I got tired of the roller-coaster effect and reviewed the problem with my colleague, Dr. Beck. His comments were extremely helpful, so I’ll pass them on to you. He suggested I imagine I had a job driving a car to City Hall each day. Some days I’d hit mostly green lights and I’d make fast time. Other days I’d hit a lot of red lights and traffic jams, and the trip would take much longer. My driving skill would be the same each day, so why not feel equally satisfied with the job I did?
He proposed I could facilitate this new way of looking at things by refusing to try to do an excellent job with any patient. Instead, I could aim for a good, consistent effort at each session regardless of how the patient responded, and in this way I could guarantee 100 percent success forever.
How could you set up process goals as a student? You could make it your aim to (1) attend lectures; (2) pay attention and take notes; (3) ask appropriate questions; (4) study each course between classes a certain amount each day; (5) review class study notes every two or three weeks. All these processes are within your control, so you can guarantee success. In contrast, your final grade is not under your control. It depends on how the professor feels that day, how well the other students did, where he sets the curve, etc.
How could you set up process goals if you were applying for a job? You could (1) dress in a confident, appealing manner; (2) have your résumé edited by a knowledgeable friend and typed professionally; (3) give the prospective employer one or more compliments during the interview; (4) express an interest in the company and encourage the interviewer to talk about himself; (5) when the prospective employer tells you about his work, say something positive, using an upbeat approach; (6) if the interviewer makes a critical or negative comment about you, immediately agree, using the disarming technique introduced in Chapter 6.
For example, in my negotiations with a prospective publisher about this book, I noticed the editor expressed a number of negative reactions in addition to a few positive ones. I found the use of the disarming technique worked extremely well in keeping the waters flowing nonturbulently during potentially difficult discussions. For example,
EDITOR X:
One of my concerns, Dr. Burns, involves the emphasis on symptomatic improvement in the here and now. Aren’t you overlooking the causes and origins of depressions?
(In the first draft of this book, I had written several chapters on the silent assumptions that give rise to depression, but apparently the editor was not adequately impressed with this material or had not read it. I had the option of counterattacking in a defensive manner—which would have only polarized the editor and made her feel defensive. Instead, I chose to disarm her in the following way.)
DAVID:
That’s an excellent suggestion, and you’re absolutely right. I can see you’ve been doing your homework on the manuscript, and I appreciate hearing about your ideas. The readers obviously would want to learn more about why they get depressed. This might help them avoid future depressions. What would you think about expanding the section on silent assumptions and introducing it with a new chapter we could call “Getting Down to Root Causes”?
EDITOR:
That sounds great!
DAVID:
What other negative reactions do you have to the book? I’d like to learn as much as I can from you.
I then continued to find a way to agree with each criticism and to praise Editor X for each and every suggestion. This was not insincere because I was a greenhorn in popular writing, and Editor X was a very talented, well-established individual who was in a position to give me some much-needed guidance. My negotiating style made it clear to her that I respected her, and let her know that we would be able to have a productive working relationship.
Suppose instead that I had been fixed on the outcome rather than on the negotiating process when the editor interviewed me. I would have been tense and preoccupied with only one thing—would she or would she not make an offer for the book? Then I would have seen her every criticism as a danger, and the whole interpersonal process would have fallen into unpleasant focus.
Thus, when you are applying for work, do not make it your aim to get the job! Especially if you want the job! The outcome depends on numerous factors that are ultimately out of your control, including the number of applicants, their qualifications, who knows the boss’s daughter, etc. In fact, you would do better to try to get as many rejections as possible for the following reason: Suppose on the average it takes about ten to fifteen interviews for each acceptable job offer you receive in your profession (a typical batting average for people I know who have been recently looking for work). This means you’ve got to go out and get those nine to fourteen rejections over with in order to get the job you want! So each morning say, “I’ll try to get as many rejections as possible today.” And each time you do get rejected you can say, “I was successfully rejected. This brings me one important step closer to my goal.”
8. Another way to overcome perfectionism involves assuming responsibility for your life by setting strict time limits on all your activities for one week. This will help you change your perspective so you can focus on the flow of life and enjoy it.
If you are a perfectionist, you are probably a real procrastinator because you insist on doing things so thoroughly. The secret to happiness is to set modest goals to accomplish them. If you want misery, then by all means cling to your perfectionism and procrastination. If you would like to change, then as you schedule your day in the morning, decide on the amount of time you will budget on each activity. Quit at the end of the time you have set aside whether or not you have completed it, and go onto the next project. If you play the piano and tend to play for many hours or not at all, decide instead to play only an hour a day. I think you’ll enhance your satisfaction and output substantially this way.
9. I’ll bet you’re afraid of making mistakes! What’s so terrible about making mistakes? Will the world come to an end if you’re wrong? Show me a man who can’t stand to be wrong, and I’ll show you a man who is afraid to take risks and has given up the capacity for growth. A particularly powerful method for defeating perfectionism involves learning to make mistakes.
Here’s how you can do this. Write an essay in which you spell out why it is both irrational and self-defeating to try to be perfect or to fear making mistakes. The following was written by Jennifer, the student mentioned earlier:
Why It’s Great to Be Able to Make Mistakes
1. I fear making mistakes because I see everything in absolutist, perfectionistic terms—one mistake and the whole is ruined. This is erroneous. A small mistake certainly doesn’t ruin an otherwise fine whole.
2. It’s good to make mistakes because then we learn—in fact, we won’t learn unless we make mistakes. No one can avoid making mistakes—and since it’s going to happen in any case, we may as well accept it and learn from it.
3. Recognizing our mistakes helps us to adjust our behavior so that we can get results we’re more pleased with—so we might say that mistakes ultimately operate to make us happier and make things better.
4. If we fear making mistakes, we become paralyzed—we’re afraid to do or try anything, since we might (in fact, probably will) make some mistakes. If we restrict our activities so that we won’t make mistakes, then we are really defeating ourselves. The more we try and the more mistakes we make, the faster we’ll learn and the happier we’ll be ultimately.
5. Most people aren’t going to be mad at us or dislike us because we make mistakes—they all make mistakes, and most people feel uncomfortable around “perfect” people.
6. We don’t die if we make mistakes.
Although such an essay does not guarantee that you will change, it can help get you started in the right direction. Jennifer reported an enormous improvement the week after she wrote the essay. She found it useful in her studies to focus on learning rather than obsessing constantly about whether or not she was great. As a result, her anxiety decreased and her ability to
get things done increased. This relaxed, confident mood persisted through the final examination period at the end of the first semester—a time of extreme anxiety for the majority of her classmates. As she explained, “I realized I didn’t have to be perfect. I’m going to make my share of mistakes. So what? I can learn from my mistakes, so there’s nothing to worry about.” And she was right!
Write a memo to yourself along these lines. Remind yourself that the world won’t come to an end if you make a mistake, and point out the potential benefits. Then read the memo every morning for two weeks. I think this will go a long way toward helping you join the human race!
10. In your perfectionism you are undoubtedly great at focusing on all the ways you fall short. You have the bad habit of picking out the things you haven’t done and ignoring those you have. You spend your life cataloging every mistake and shortcoming. No wonder you feel inadequate! Is somebody forcing you to do this? Do you like feeling that way?
Here’s a simple method of reversing this absurd and painful tendency. Use your wrist counter to click off the things you do right each day. See how many points you can accumulate. This may sound so unsophisticated that you are convinced it couldn’t help you. If so, experiment with it for two weeks. I predict you’ll discover that you will begin to focus more on the positives in your life and will consequently feel better about yourself. It sounds simplistic because it is! But who cares, if it works?
11. Another helpful method involves exposing the absurdity in the all-or-nothing thinking that gives rise to your perfectionism. Look around you and ask yourself how many things in the world can be broken down into all-or-nothing categories. Are the walls around you totally clean? Or do they have at least some dirt? Am I totally effective with all of my writing? Or partially effective? Certainly every single paragraph of this book isn’t polished to perfection and breathtakingly helpful. Do you know anyone who is totally calm and confident all the time? Is your favorite movie star perfectly beautiful?
Once you recognize that all-or-nothing thinking doesn’t fit reality very often, then look out for your all-or-nothing thoughts throughout the day, and when you notice one, talk back to it and shoot it down. You’ll feel better. Some examples of how a number of different individuals combat all-or-nothing thoughts appear in Figure 14–5.
12. The next method to combat perfectionism involves personal disclosure. If you feel nervous or inadequate in a situation, then share it with people. Point out the things you feel you’ve done inadequately instead of covering them up. Ask people for suggestions on how to improve, and if they’re going to reject you for being imperfect, let them do it and get it over with. If in doubt as to where you stand, ask if they think less of you when you make a mistake.
* * *
Figure 14–5. How to replace all-or-nothing thoughts with others that are more in tune with reality. These examples were contributed by a variety of individuals.
* * *
If you do this, you must of course be prepared to handle the possibility that people will look down on you because of your imperfections. This actually happened to me during a teaching session I was conducting for a group of therapists. I pointed out an error I felt I had made in reacting angrily to a difficult, manipulative patient. I then asked if any of the therapists present thought less of me after hearing about my foible. I was taken aback when one replied in the affirmative, and the following conversation took place:
THERAPIST
(in the audience): I have two thoughts. One thought is a positive one. I appreciate your taking that risk to point out your error in front of the group because I would have been scared to do it. I think it takes great courage on your part to do this. But I have to admit I’m ambivalent about you now. Now I know that you do make mistakes, which is realistic, but … I feel disappointed in you. In all honesty, I do.
DAVID:
Well, I knew how to handle the patient, but I was so overcome with my anger that I just got caught up in the moment and retaliated. I was overly abrupt in the way I reacted to her. I admit I handled it quite poorly.
THERAPIST:
I guess in the context that you see so many patients each week for so many years, if you make one blunder like that it’s definitely not earthshattering. It’s not going to kill her or anything. But I do feel let down, I have to admit.
DAVID:
But it isn’t just one rare error. I believe that all therapists make many blunders every single day. Either obvious ones or subtle ones. At least I do. How will you come to terms with that? It seems you’re quite disappointed in me because I didn’t handle that patient effectively.
THERAPIST:
Well, I am. I thought you had a sufficiently wide behavioral repertoire that you could easily handle nearly anything a patient said to you.
DAVID:
Well, that’s untrue. I sometimes come up with very helpful things to say in difficult situations, but sometimes I’m not as effective as I’d like to be. I still have a lot to learn. Now with that knowledge, do you think less of me?
THERAPIST:
Yeah. I really do. I have to say that. Because now I see that there’s a reasonably easy kind of conflict that can upset you. You were unable to handle it without showing your vulnerabilities.
DAVID:
That’s true. At least that time I didn’t handle it well. It’s an area where I need to focus my efforts and grow as a therapist.
THERAPIST:
Well, it shows that at least in that case, and I assume in others, that you don’t handle things as well as I thought you did.
DAVID:
I think that’s correct. But the question is, why do you think less of me because I am imperfect? Why are you looking down on me? Does it make me less a person to you?
THERAPIST:
You’re exaggerating the whole thing now, and I don’t feel that you are necessarily of less value as a human or anything like that. But on the other hand, I think you’re not as good as a therapist as I thought you were.
DAVID:
That’s true. Do you think less of me because of that?
THERAPIST:
As a therapist?
DAVID:
As a therapist or as a person. Do you think less of me?
THERAPIST:
Yes, I suppose I do.
DAVID:
Why?
THERAPIST:
Well, I don’t know how to say this. I think “therapist” is the primary role that I know you in. I’m disappointed to find you’re so imperfect. I had a higher expectation of you. But perhaps you’re better in other areas of your life.
DAVID:
I hate to disappoint you, but you’ll discover that in many other aspects of my life I’m even more imperfect. So if you’re looking down on me as a therapist, I presume you’ll look down on me more as a person.
THERAPIST:
Well, I do think less of you as a person. I think that’s an accurate description of how I’m feeling about you.
DAVID:
Why do you think less of me because I don’t measure up to your standard of perfection? I’m a human and not a robot.
THERAPIST:
I’m not sure I understand that question. I judge people in terms of their performance. You goofed up, so you have to face the fact I’ll judge you negatively. It’s tough, but it’s reality. I thought you should perform better because you’re our preceptor and our teacher. I expected more of you. Now it sounds like I could have handled that patient better than you did!
DAVID:
Well, I think you could have done better than I did with that patient that day, and this is an area where I think I can learn from you. But why do you look down on me for this? If you get disappointed and lose respect each time you notice I’ve made a mistake, pretty soon you’ll be totally miserable, and you’ll have no respect for me at all because I’ve been making errors every day since I was born. Do you want all that discomfort? If you want to continue and enjoy our friendship,
and I hope you will, you’ll just have to accept the fact that I’m not perfect. Maybe you’d be willing to look for mistakes I make and point them out to me so I can learn from you while I’m teaching you. When I stop making mistakes, I’ll lose much of my capacity to grow. Recognizing and correcting my errors and learning from them is one of my greatest assets. And if you can accept my humanity and imperfection, maybe you can also accept your own. Maybe you’ll want to feel that it’s okay for you to make mistakes too.
This kind of dialogue transcends the possibility you will feel put down. Asserting your right to make mistakes will paradoxically make you a greater human being. If the other person feels disappointed, the fault is really his for having set up the unrealistic expectation you are more than human. If you don’t buy into that foolish expectation, you won’t have to become angry or defensive when you do goof up—nor will you have to feel any sense of shame or embarrassment. The choice is clear-cut: You can either try to be perfect and end up miserable, or you can aim to be human and imperfect and feel enhanced. Which do you choose?
13. The next method is to focus mentally on a time in your life when you were really happy. What image comes to mind? For me the image is of climbing down into Havasupai Canyon one summer vacation when I was a college student. This canyon is an isolated part of the Grand Canyon, and you have to hike into it or arrange for horses. I went with a friend. Havasupai, an Indian word meaning “blue-green water people,” is the name of a turquoise river that bubbles out of the desert floor and turns the narrow canyon into a lush paradise many miles long. Ultimately, the Havasupai River empties into the Colorado River. There are a number of waterfalls several hundred feet high, and at the bottom of each, a green chemical in the water precipitates out and makes the river’s bottom and edges smooth and polished, just like a turquoise swimming pool. Cottonwood trees and Jimsohweed with purple flowers like trumpets line the river in abundance. The Indians who live there are easygoing and friendly. It is a blissful memory. Perhaps you have a similar happy memory. Now ask yourself—what was perfect about that experience? In my case, nothing! There were no toilet facilities, and we slept in sleeping bags outdoors. I didn’t hike perfectly or swim perfectly, and nothing was perfect. There was no electricity available in most of the village because of its remoteness, and the only available food in the store was canned beans and fruit cocktail—no meat or vegetables. But the food tasted darn good after a day of hiking and swimming. So who needs perfection?
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Page 32