She used to tell them in class how her mother named her after the dancer in hopes she would be a famous dancer one day. Her dream was to teach, though, and her dream came true. She told them to always follow their dreams.
I followed mine. But what happens when dreams change?
“Sit down, please. Here is our coffee.” The secretary brought in two cups, then smiled and left.
“You see, when I became the principal, we hired Ms. Evans.” Isidora stirred her coffee. “In the meantime, she wrote a novel and published it. Luckily for her, it became a hit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for her...”
“But?”
“But when her book hit bestseller lists, she decided she wanted to be a full-time author and quit the job.”
“Oh.” Zach sipped his coffee.
“She put us in a tight spot. We are, beginning next school year, one English teacher short.” Expectation was clear on her face. Wide eyes looking at him without blinking.
“Hmm...” Marge was right.
“You see where I’m going with this, right?” She cocked her eyebrow. “I know you have a job in New York and we probably can’t compete with them salary wise, but I’m willing to play on your emotions here.” Her take on the ruthless facial expression was comical. “This is your old school and we need you, Zachary. What do you say?”
“Wow. First, how did my mother already know about this?”
“She probably heard rumors. Suburbs, you know...”
“Yeah, probably. Second, you do know I’m gay, right?”
“Yes, I am aware of it. Are you expecting me to be surprised? Enraged? That has nothing to do with the job. Times have changed.” That stern look he knew so well crossed her face. “You will not find enemies here.”
“Schools are reluctant to hire gay teachers. Especially male gay teachers. They don’t discriminate, per se, they cite other reasons, but things are pretty clear.”
“We’ve had gay teachers in the past, either substitute or regular, and we’ve never had problems. Not with the kids or with the parents. Times have changed, even here, and we have a couple of kids with gay parents.” She frowned. “Don’t get me wrong, there are some bullies among the kids. But they don't discriminate; they bully everybody.” She huffed and Zach snorted.
“I never thought about coming back here. It was never a possibility in my mind.” He rubbed his hand over his mouth. “But I am intrigued. How long do I have to decide?”
“We need an answer before the school year ends.”
“OK, you’ll have it by then.”
“Great! Now, let’s talk numbers...”
Chapter 15
Rob wiped the sweat off his face as he stepped down from the treadmill. He pulled off his t-shirt and entered the bathroom. He welcomed the ache in his muscles. The need to get rid of all this pent-up energy was overwhelming. God, he was so restless lately. What the hell is wrong with me?
He missed Zach. He obsessed over Zach.
“I need a new hobby. Something besides the garden. Maybe I should build something...”
Plans for the gazebo were done. Maybe he should start now and not wait for the summer.
He got in the shower and let the hot water rain down on him. The skin on his back tightened and his palms tingled. The need for physical touch was coming back. He hadn’t felt it in years, and he didn’t want to feel it. Although now, it didn’t seem so wrong anymore. A longing for human touch snuck up and he didn’t even notice it coming. He skimmed his palms down his torso and wrapped his fingers around his cock. It wasn’t enough. He squeezed and moved his hand. He longed for someone else's hands on him. Hands. Mouth. His hand moved faster.
The imaginary mouth was warm and wet, and a tongue was sliding up and down over the head, teasing the slit. It was too much. His head fell forward as the imaginary throat closed around his dick. He felt zap of electricity from his spine through his veins and he couldn’t hold back. The hazy form in his mind morphed into a familiar face. Eyes opened, and the gray storm in them ended Rob. He came all over the shower wall.
Holy shit!
He opened his eyes and tried to calm his breathing.
“Zach...”
He hadn’t come that hard in a long time.
No, this was just a coincidence.
He slammed his hand against the tiles and stepped out of the shower. Shame was mixing with the aftereffects of the orgasm in his gut, and he couldn't stop trembling. What is wrong with me?! He's my friend. He was betraying their friendship.
Zach is 30, he will find a nice guy, get married... I'm old. This must be some middle age crisis or something. No need to worry himself with this.
He would push through this, too. He would just keep pushing.
He would find something to do, and Zach would leave soon. He stood in the middle of the bathroom, water still dripping down his body. The realization hit him like a ton of bricks. Everyone leaves. Everyone leaves at some point, and that is my reality. He needed to put some distance between them. Zach would leave.
Yes, distance. Then Rob should not be so attached to him. After all, he was just a neighbor’s kid. Nothing more.
Yeah, keep telling yourself that.
“But why him?”
All that talk of boyfriends got to me. I’m not g—
When Zach leaves, everything will get back to normal. He would have his routines, and everything would be just fine.
He dressed quickly and went to the kitchen.
“Meow, get off the table!” Rob filled the kettle for tea and turned it on. “How many times do I have to tell you?”
He was putting the tea bag in a mug when he heard the knock on the back door.
“Hey, neighbor!” Zach came in carrying a huge paper bag. “Are you hungry?”
“Hey, neighbor! You read my mind.” The muscles in his back relaxed, his shoulders lowered, and his anxiety left the room. “I was thinking about making a sandwich with my tea.” Maybe he should be ashamed of himself, but all he ever felt around Zach was peace. He doesn't have to know what I did in the bathroom.
“No tea, abort the mission.” Zach switched off his kettle and put the bag on the counter. “Get the plates and glasses. I got us some Chinese takeout. And beer.”
Zach grinned at him and Rob felt his cheeks burn. Oh, there you are, shame... my old friend.
“What you got in there?”
“Chow mein, egg rolls...” Zach counted as he took the boxes out.
“Ginger beef?”
Zach took the box in question out of the bag and cocked his eyebrow.
“Of course. What do you take me for?”
Rob grinned as he took out two plates and went to set the table.
“What did you do today?” Zach asked.
“Nothing much. Took care of the garden, tried to read a book but couldn’t concentrate, ran seven miles on the treadmill...”
“Nice.” Zach took beer bottles to the table and smirked. “You sure I don’t need to call you an ambulance?”
“You little shit! I can still outrun you.” He punched Zach on the shoulder playfully.
“Yeah, yeah... I’ve heard that one before. You still haven’t proved it, though.”
“Oh, I’ll prove it to you all right.” He took Zach in the headlock. “You need to respect your elders, kid. Don’t push me.”
He felt the hard muscles of Zach's body flexing and pressing against him. Warmth spread through his chest, stopping the air flow. With a fist lodged in his throat, he let Zach go.
What the hell is wrong with me?
“Quit playing around and come sit. I’m hungry.” He turned to the table quickly, hoping Zach didn’t notice his reaction.
Zach sat and pulled the food out of the boxes.
“How was your day?” Yup, get the conversation back on track.
“Weird.” Zach cocked his head and looked out of the window. “Yeah, my day was weird.”
“How so?”
“I went to pick t
hose handles for the kitchen cupboards and then I went to my old high school.”
“High school? Why?”
“Well, I called my old English teacher, and she said I should stop by.”
“Oh, and something happened?”
“Hmm, you could say that.” Zach twirled the bottle in his hand. “She offered me a job.”
“What?!” Are you staying? Please say you’re staying.
“Yeah, they are one English teacher short and she wants me. Gay and all.”
“That’s... that’s great! Right?” Rob gripped his glass.
“Honestly? I don’t know.”
“You don’t?” I’m so eloquent today.
“I never planned to move back here. I made a life for myself in New York. I wanted to go to Hong Kong for a year...”
“But you are interested?” Hope bloomed threatening to overpower his cautiousness. He needed Zach to stay. He realized that now. Zach accepted him, all of him. All? Are you sure? What about today? Remember the shower, Rob?
He flinched. I refuse to think about that.
Yeah, right.
“Well, surprisingly, I am interested, but the timing is off. I really don’t know what to do.”
Stay.
“I can’t tell you.” Rob busied himself with food. “It’s your decision, and I can only respect whatever you decide.”
Bullshit! Respect your decision to leave? Not a chance in hell.
“Thank you. That’s nice, and more than I will get from most people. Marge has been on my case for a long time now about moving back home. She won't take no for an answer.”
“Well, the good thing is she doesn’t have a say in it now. She moved out.”
“Oh, how little you know her...” Zach chuckled. Rob stared at his mouth.
“Why?” His eyes were following the slope of Zach’s neck.
“Living in New Haven won’t stop her. Besides, we have this house in Cranston, my father’s investment, and it will not surprise me if the two of them move in there.”
Rob’s eyes paused at that spot, where Zach’s neck and shoulder connected. Smooth and warm skin pulled him like a magnet. He closed his eyes.
“I can’t believe it.” Rob laughed. It was forced.
“Oh, you better believe it, my friend.” I’m not your friend, Zach... “You’ve been here a few years, but you have a long way to go in getting to know Marge Steel.” Zach saluted him with his glass.
“So, you’re not taking the job?” Stop with the questions.
Rob was watching him through his eyelashes. He enjoyed this so much. They were getting closer every day, weren’t they? This can’t be all my imagination. He wanted this, this easy relationship. He wanted Zach.
“We’ll see, but probably not.” Zach took a bite of his noodles.
Rob's heart stopped. Everyone leaves. He fought back tears. Going back to his routines and his old life wasn't appealing anymore. It felt like punishment now. What did he really expect?
Zach twirled his chopsticks and smiled at him. Rob used every ounce of his strength to smile back.
He is gay, he has sex with men. Would he like me?
Rob looked at Zach’s hands. Long fingers he wanted to feel on his skin, around...
Probably not. On TV they are all handsome and fit and young and I’m... me. He shook his head. Yeah, probably not.
Zach chewed slowly and swallowed, then took a sip of his beer, exposing his throat.
What would it be like? How does that work? I mean I know how it works, technically, but me and him... how would we fit together?
Rob shook his head again.
No point in wondering. He wouldn’t want me, anyway.
Chapter 16
Zach stood in the middle of the living room. How many memories could one room hold?
The carpet in front of the TV. This was where I played as a kid. The empty space next to the window. The Christmas tree stood there every year, presents piled under it. The exact spot he was standing on...This is where my father turned his back to me one last time.
Half-full boxes surrounded him, personal items from cabinets strewn all over the room. Picture frames would stay until the end because Miranda said she wanted it to look lived in. There was not one photo of he and his father together. The pictures hanging were pictures of a family that showed nothing of what really happened.
He was going through photo albums when the house phone rang.
“Hello! Steel residence,” he said, expecting Marge.
“Hello, Zach?” He didn’t recognize the voice.
“Yes, this is Zach...”
“Hey, it’s David. David McKellan.”
“No! Cookie?” Zach gasped.
“Oh, God! Please don’t...” David was laughing. “No one has called me Cookie in years!”
“You should feel lucky that it quickly evolved from Gingerbread Man to Cookie.”
“Ha Ha, hilarious.”
“Well, well, well... this is a nice surprise!” Zach threw himself on the sofa. “How are you, man? What have you been up to?”
“College, job, student loans... you know, the usual.”
“Family?”
“Nope. Single. Had a few boyfriends here and there, but nothing serious. Not for a lack of trying.”
“Sorry to hear that.” Zach remembered David as a good kid. The only other openly gay student and his friend.
“Yeah. Never mind that. I heard you came back and thought to give you a call.”
“Came back? I came for my father’s funeral, but I didn’t move back.”
“I heard you were thinking about taking a job here...”
“You know, this is the part of life in a small town I didn’t miss, like, at all. I’ve been to the high school and talked to the principal, but it’s just an offer. I haven’t decided anything yet.”
“Gossip mills. What can I tell you?”
“It was three days ago. Three. Days.” Zach said, but David just laughed.
“I called you to see if you were free for dinner. There’s this restaurant in downtown Providence I think you’d like.”
“Dinner? When?”
“When are you free?”
“Oh, I don’t know... let me check my schedule.” He laughed.
“Well, how about tonight then?”
He wanted to get out of this house. The stifling air filled with sad memories choked him.
“Tonight sounds great!”
“Great! It’s a date!” David gasped. “Unless you don’t want it to be... I mean—”
“No! Date is good.” Maybe if I find someone else... He could go out and not think about Rob. He could give himself some space to try and forget him for five fucking minutes. “Date it is, then.”
“Good, OK. Date.” David sounded shocked. “Well, I’ll pick you up at seven. Is that OK?”
“Yeah, seven is good.”
“Good. OK, see you then.”
“Bye, David.”
Zach stared at the phone in his hand. The hole in his chest gaped wider with every heartbeat. Maybe this was exactly what he needed. This obsession with Rob had to end. It wasn’t healthy. He would only get heartbroken if it continued. He couldn’t take the job; he couldn’t stay knowing he could never resist the pull. Rob was his star and he would always go in circles around him. It was too much.
He got up and continued packing.
Why do I always have to complicate my life? It’s my fault. The man was nothing but helpful and friendly... What would he say if he knew what I really thought of him?
He dreamt of Rob every night. The dreams were getting steamier, and it was getting harder to pretend around Rob. If this went on, there was a big possibility he would give something away. And what would happen then? He would lose Rob forever, even as a friend. And he wanted to keep that friendship if at all possible.
When he looked at the clock, it was past five.
Where did the day go? He had a date with David, and he had thought of nothin
g but Rob all day. Again.
I need to take a shower. I need to stop this madness.
As he got in the shower, his body remembered. For weeks now, this was where the fantasies played out. It was like a reflex. His body had a mind of its own.
No. None of that tonight. Zach hit the handle and turned the cold water on.
He was deciding what to wear when the doorbell rang. With a towel wrapped around his hips, he opened the door.
“Um...I... did I come at a bad time?” Rob’s eyes darted around.
“Hey! No, no... come on in.” He moved to the side and let Rob in.
“Um, I came to see if you wanted to come over for dinner. I thought I could make veggie burgers and we could watch a movie after dinner. I’m on a 50s list right now and we could watch some comedy...” Rob was rambling and refused to make eye contact.
Straight men. As long as I’m fully dressed, the gay is fine. I’m not going to attack you, Rob. As much as I want to.
“Let me put something on.” He went into the bedroom and put on shorts and t-shirt. He crushed the impulse to call David and cancel. That wouldn’t be right. David certainly didn’t deserve it. And I can’t keep ripping pieces of my heart off. I can’t do this to myself anymore. This is stopping now.
“Sorry about that. I was taking a shower, and I took too long to decide what to wear.” He pushed his fingers through his hair. Here it goes. “I can’t do dinner tonight, sorry. I have a date.”
“A date?” Rob squeaked. “You have a date?”
“Don’t sound so surprised,” Zach chuckled. “I had those in the past. Men do find me attractive sometimes. Shocker, right?”
“No, no... I didn’t mean it that way. Of course, you would have a date. I haven’t heard you talking about looking for a boyfriend, that’s all. I-I’m surprised.”
“He’s not a boyfriend. Not yet anyway. It’s our first date. We went to school together, and he heard I was in town, so he called.” Why am I explaining myself to him? “Anyway, we’re going out tonight, so...”
“Yes, right...” Rob was looking at the floor. “Right. Good.” He looked up and away too fast for Zach to read him. He kept looking at the damn floor. Why is he shaking?
What We Want Page 6