Assuming Room Temperature (Keep Your Crowbar Handy Book 3)

by S. P. Durnin

  Carson snorted. “Damn right. Protect and Serve, remember? That doesn’t mean just when it’s convenient. Like, say, when I’m not turning into a maggot-head.”

  “What are you going to do?” Jake asked quietly.

  “Buy you some time.” Penny smiled weakly. Her lips were darkening noticeably as her body fought against the turn. “Who knows? Maybe it’ll earn me some leeway at the Pearly Gates, yeah? God knows I’ll need a good word, if I wanna spend eternity surrounded by hotties and not listening country music in a gynecologist’s waiting room... Look, can I talk with you for a minute? Alone?”

  O’Connor looked questioningly at Cho who shrugged and moved a-ways back toward the barricade. Bee nudged Carson with one shoulder and smiled before hopping off her barrel, then followed Kat until he and Penny had some relative privacy.

  “I wanted to say I’m sorry about before,” she told him. “I... Well, let’s just say I’ve never been what you’d call subtle.”

  “Not really news. If you remember, you did kind of suggest we bump ugly to fool your old group back when we first met.” Jake took out his American Spirits and offered her one. She surprised him and took one.

  “No time like the present to start, right?” She allowed him to light them both and took a healthy drag. “Damn... Now I understand why people smoke. These go great with shitty booze... Always thought the habit was stupid, but it’s not like I’ll have time to develop lung cancer.”

  “I’ll leave you the rest of the pack.” Jake blew a cloud towards their captives.

  “Appreciate that.” Carson leaned on her M-4. “You’re a good guy Jake. You didn’t deserve what I did earlier.”

  Obviously uncomfortable, O’Connor tried to brush the subject off. “Don’t sweat it. I’m sorry about... Christ. How trite does I’m sorry you’re going to die sound? Maybe if I’d been quicker I could’ve shot the damn thing. Maybe if I hadn’t responded when you—”

  “Hey, this is on me, not you.” Penny looked at him intently. “You understand that, get me? It was stupid to pull that, outside the walls or not. I was trying to mess with your head. Make you pull back from Kat a bit. Fuck. What a stupid move. I never did crap like that before all these things got up and started eating people. I wonder what changed.”

  “Life in the Apocalypse.” Jake shook his head. “I’ve thought about that very same thing a lot. While none of us went full on Beyond Thunderdome, all the combined stress and fear kind of push everybody to just say To hell with it, and look for whatever comfort they can find.”

  Penny turned her yellowing eyes to regard him. “You didn’t.”

  “I’m not so sure.”

  She snorted. “You’re talking about Kat? Rae’s right: You’re an idiot if you believe that. She’s been making goo-goo eyes in your direction ever since I’ve known all of you, and it’s no secret you have real interest in her. My mistake was trying to steer you off her. Chalk it up to my love of great tits, I suppose.”

  “Really?”

  “Come on. You’ve noticed.” Penny smirked, then winced as pain shot through her head. “She’s got a great rack. Rest of her’s put together really nice too. If I’d been given half a chance, I’d have hit that so hard her toes would still be curled. Not in the cards thought. That’s going to be your job. Don’t screw it up. Or I’ll come back and haunt your hunky ass.”

  O’Connor concentrated on his cigarette. “I don’t know. It could just be—”

  “That’s crap, and you know it. Foster told me all about how you two met before all this. And what’s happened since. The both of you are dancing around one-another. She’s scared you’ll think she’s being a slut, you think you’re just weak for admitting you like her and always have, so she doesn’t want to push the issue.” Carson pointed a shaking finger at him. “Stop being such a pussy and take a little initiative.”

  “Well. Don’t hold back. Tell me what you really think.” Jake’s eyebrows went up.

  She laughed. “Hey, dying kind of frees you from having to beat around the bush. Just stop waiting. Like you said: Life is short. Especially now. Trust me, I’d know.”

  Jake glanced at the ring of restrained men on the road. “Is there anything I can do? Is there anything you want me to...?”

  “Well, I wouldn’t mind some matches or something. Be kinda hard to smoke without more fire.”

  He pulled a pack of wind-proof matches from his vest and handed them over.

  “Thanks.” Penny set them on her barrel beside the smokes. “One more thing...”

  * * *

  O’Connor joined Kat and Bee, and they entered Langley proper again. The last of Mooney’s people made sure the barricade dump truck sealed the entrance once more then headed off to take their spots on Bus Two, leaving the trio staring after them.

  “What did the two of you talk about?” Bee asked.

  Jake intentionally kept his eyes from going to Cho. “She told me to quit beating myself up. That I should concentrate on what’s important and stop letting all that’s happening turn me into something I’m not.”

  “Good advice.” Kat was busy hooking a small Hello Kitty key-chain to one of the belt loops on her leather pants. “Especially considering we’re about to go head to head with an army.”

  “I’m not sure how I’d deal, if I was in her place” he admitted.

  “Let’s not find out, shall we?” Satisfied with the addition to her wardrobe, Kat rose on her tip-toes, flexing her calves.

  Bee nodded. “I can get behind that plan. So, what now?”

  After looking back at the wall, Jake took a deep breath. “Now we wait.”

  * * *

  Penny smoked another cigarette and ignored Kirk as he raved, trying to convince her to let his men loose and come to her senses.

  She couldn’t have cared less when he cajoled, pleaded, and then threatened all kinds of retribution on her for not listening. Carson was beyond caring about that. In all likelihood, she wouldn’t last long enough for Kirk to make good on any such threats. Her vision had lost all color, leaving the world to look much like a 1930s black and white movie. Just with a lot more horror, bloodstains, and goop-splatter then even Hammer Films ever envisioned at their peak. Her hands were starting to go numb too. And her legs. That’s why she’d chosen to sit on the barrel as she and Jake had spoken. There was no feeling anywhere below her knees, and if she didn’t actually see the cigarette between her fingers she wouldn’t have known it was there at all.

  “Wow. This turned out great.” Penny mused wryly, and listened to the music playing from a pair of speakers hooked to Bee’s spare I-Pod back on the barricade. George had insisted on something ‘good’, which was why 70s era rock-and-roll was currently blasting out into the Apocalypse. “Survive a sex-cult, escape with a group with a way to reach safety, get chomped right before we get there. Awesome. Just awesome. Worst, luck, ever. Knew I should’ve moved to Montana when I had the chance. At least I don’t have to die listening to crappy tunes.”

  She flicked her cigarette over the edge of the damn as Gene and the rest of The Best began cranking out God of Thunder, and carefully lit another with her shaking hands. Carson held the match until it burned down to sear her fingers. The pain was distant. Faint, like a slight sunburn, even though she could see blisters rising on the tips of her thumb and index finger.

  “Ah, well. At least I got to go out with a bang.” Penny looked down at the barrel. “Or two bangs, I should say…”

  * * *

  “First vehicles have reached the curve down there,” Leo called out, following Bee as she scurried down from the roof of the Post Office. “They’ll be here in a few minutes.”

  “Good. I’m sick of sittin’ around on my thumb anyway.” George led them back inside and entered the Mimi’s clam-shell rear hatch. “Time ta’ get this show on the road.”

  He was bringing
the behemoth transport to life when Gwen and her friend—the ex-member of Kirk’s squad—Mark Ryan made their way into the drive unit behind them. Gwen’s face was white. “George? We’ve got a big problem.”

  “Don’t worry, kid. I got it all planned out.” Foster chuckled and continued activating the Mimi’s systems as Bee dropped into the navi-guesser seat. “By the time Hess an’ his men manage ta’ deal with everything me and Hot Rod put in place, we’ll--”

  Ignoring the use of his pet-name for Rae, Gwen cut him off. “Mark knew about the MATTOC, remember? He reminded me earlier, but we were busy finishing the buses and I didn’t have a chance to talk with you about it?”

  “Yeah.” George cycled up the hydrogen drive and a low hum filled the cabin, “So what? So Hess knows. Big deal. We got it, he doesn’t, and there’s no way fer him ta’ grab it now that Kirk an’ his bitch-boys are outside with Carson. Shame about her. Tough broad. Had a yard o’ guts.”

  Gwen took a handful of his sweaty t-shirt and spun his seat around. “He knew about it because he’s seen one before!”

  When that sank in, George’s face went from surprise to all-out fury.

  “Oh, you have got ta’ be shitting me!”

  * * *

  “Are you shitting me?”

  Jake looked on from the inverted school bus comprising Langley’s watchtower with Kat as the first vehicles approached the far end of the dam. A pair of IAV Strykers—eight wheeled transports ,who’s armor could withstand direct hits from 14.5mm artillery shells—led the way, followed by a line of deuce-and-a-half’s—two and one half ton cargo trucks—outfitted with steel grating across the windows and enclosing their beds followed. There were a lot of them. Those weren’t what drew such an exclamation from his lips though.

  It was what came around the curve next..

  The MATTOC looked virtually nothing like their Screamin’ Mimi. It wasn’t bright, Pepto-Bismol pink for one thing, but done in awful “digital-camo” and it only had two sections, not three like Foster’s baby. It also didn’t possess the Mimi’s eight-foot prow blade. The monstrous thing’s nose was blunt, like that of a Rheinmetall 8x8 HXs that were once used to transport heavy weapons (and missiles) by the Bundeswehr units of the German Army, and it had been heavily modified. The front grill and bumper area was obviously armored to the max, and Jake had no doubt conventional rounds would have absolutely no success penetrating the thing. There was a lone access hatch on the rear driver’s side of the aft section that looked like it originally belonged in a bank, keeping men with naughty ideas away from other people’s pretty, pretty, shiny things. There were a hell of a lot of what looked like gun ports along the port and starboard sides too, evidencing the fact that unlike the Mimi, this MATTOC’s primary function was attack not command/control.

  And it had a really big gun.

  To be more specific: while the Strikers all sported M2 heavy machine guns—thankfully without the remote operation option—one of the vehicles’ 105mm tank guns rode upon the MATTOC’s back. The weapon could fire six rounds per minute and could turn buildings into craters in fairly short order.

  “Whoa.” Kat was staring at the gigantic machine. “That’s... Whoa.”

  Jake watched as it moved ponderously the head of the convoy. The combat-armored tires and heavy suspension allowed it to roll over one of the abandoned Chevy Silverados they’d used to block the road, then brush aside another, but marks were evident from the MATTOC scraping against other vehicles.

  “Elle!” Jake called down through the body of the bus. “Change of plans! You Leo get in the Hummer and stay there! Once this kicks off, were going to want to leave fast!”

  The pretty sergeant’s face peered up at him from the nose of the bus forty-five feet below. “Jake, that’s a really bad idea. Without us down here, you’ll be totally exposed. This thing isn’t going to be a defensible location once—”

  “Look, park beside it here and keep the engine running!” Jake wanted to keep his eyes on the armor sitting at the other end of the dam. “We can be down in a few seconds if things go all pear shaped.”

  “Doesn’t he mean when?” Leo mumbled, double-checking the magazine on his M4 and making sure his machete was secure at his hip. “I’ve noticed our plans seem to do that, more often than not.”

  “Hush dear,” Elle told him under her breath. “We’ll discuss it later. Jake, the buses are already in place and Foster had that Oliver guy move the dump truck out of the far barricade. He’s already moved the Mimi around to lead them off, and it won’t be long before—”

  “Just do it!” Jake turned away to focus on the MATTOC again.

  “I don’t think George counted on something like this when he came up with his strategy.” Kat knelt beside him, watching as Penny stood weakly from her barrel and raised a hand-held radio at the convoy. “I hate to say it, but maybe we should, you know, run? Like, right now?”

  O’Connor shook his head. “No. We need to buy time for the buses. Besides, someone needs to be here, just in case.”

  “In case what?” Cho wondered aloud.

  “In case George’s little surprise doesn’t work and one of us needs to activate it manually.”

  Kat’s eyes got big. “What?”

  Jake shrugged. “Don’t get me wrong, George is a badass. He’s a lot more intelligent than people think, no matter what Rae says. He’s methodical, sneaky as all hell, and he’s got a backbone made of pure adamantium when it comes to killing bad guys, but—”

  “Really? Things are about to go “Boom!” in a major way and you let your geek flag fly now?” Cho’s lips pursed.

  “Huh?”

  She laughed. “I liked the limited series the best. The one in set in Japan, with all the ninja? They were punks, by the way. Real ninja wouldn’t go down that easy. Anyway. I know that element—which doesn’t actually exist on the periodic table—makes up a certain mouthy, gaijin’s skeleton and awesome sauce claws.”

  “One of these days, we’ll have a long conversation about which character in that particular universe is the coolest,” Jake told her. “And if your answer is anything other than everyone’s favorite merc, we’re going to have a problem.”

  “Oh really?” Kat glanced towards Penny.

  “Seriously. There could be spankings. And they would hurt. Nobody messes with DP.”

  “The guy with the mouth? He’s alright, I guess. I was always partial to Betsy Braddock myself.” Cho sniffed.

  “Why?”

  She looked at Jake like he was crazy. “Super-hot, Asian, ninja, could read minds? Sound like anyone you know?”

  “You can not read minds.” O’Connor didn’t buy that. Maybe.

  “I’ve been able to tell what’s on a guy’s mind since the twins came along.” Kat took a deep breath, causing said female augmentations to rise in an obvious way.

  “We’ll discuss this later.” Jake assured her.

  “Promises, promises.” Cho countered.

  The pair fell silent as the MATTOC’s heavy hatch opened with an audible hiss. A pair of men climbed from the rear unit then made a beeline for Penny and her captives. Neither looked happy.

  Jake readied the Long-Arm rifle he’d retrieved from the Mimi’s stores. “Here we go...”

  * * *

  Penny watched calmly as the two aggressors drew closer.

  One of them was your run-of-the-mill bodyguard type: Shaved head, big chest, big arms, no neck, the usual. He moved like a lumbering outhouse with legs. If she didn’t know better, Carson would’ve sworn she could feel the pavement vibrate with the impacts of his heavy footfalls. The other had an air of authority that proceeded him like the nose of a Spanish galleon.

  That must be Hess, she thought. He has that ‘My shit smells like roses’ aura to him.

  The pair stopped twenty yards away when Penny leaned on her barrel and brou
ght her M4 up to aim at the restrained soldiers. While Big Boy frowned and adjusted his grip on an odd looking rifle she didn’t recognize offhand, the older one took in her appearance. As he evaluated her, the haggard looking woman did the same to him. He was comparable in age to Foster, with short grey hair, a stocky build, and calm eyes that held a distinct lack of empathy. His chin protruded like that of a bulldog under the firm line of his mouth and, while surely in his early seventies, was spry of step and straight of spine.

  Finished with his evaluation, he spoke. “Well, you look quite awful, miss. Would you mind telling me why my search and rescue team is currently zip-tied on the road there?”

  “Deputy Penny Carson. Nice to meet you, general.” Penny said.

  “Really.”

  “Actually, no. But I was trying not to be rude.” Carson shrugged and hid a wince when her stomach cramped painfully. The change was taking her faster now.

  “I find it strange—since you and I assume whoever is with you tied my men up outside your walls, where the creatures could easily get to them—that you would wait out here, unprotected.” Hess glanced over her shoulder at the wall, taking in the gap where Oliver had moved the dump truck away and the watchtower where Jake and Kat looked on.

  “Who says I’m unprotected?” she asked, and pointed at an empty coffee can resting on the northern, hip-level wall of the sidewalk.

  The can was knocked suddenly from its resting place. It flew over the wall, displaying a large bullet hole before dropping out of sight into the lake beyond, and Carson smirked weakly when Big Boy glared at the watchtower. Though she couldn’t hear it from her position, Penny was sure Jake had just loaded another round into the chamber of his Long-Arm, and let out a large breath in relief. While he was a decent shot, he’d been more than a little nervous about hitting the targeted can. He hadn’t had much experience with the sniper rifle, but Cho was even more clueless with the weapon, so it had fallen to him to make the shot.