“Because we definitely are not on Carrie’s side,” Steph said. She gulped the rest of her brandy.
“I don’t like that we have to take a side. Carrie shouldn’t have taken Susan’s offer and Susan shouldn’t have offered it,” Parker said. “At least without Tess’s knowledge.”
“Who’s going to tell her?” Rosa asked.
“I think you should talk to Susan,” Steph said to Rosa. “You’re closest to her.”
“That gives her a chance to remedy the situation. If she comes clean with Tess, it might go over better,” Amy said.
“Good point,” Steph said.
“Parker, what do you think?” Rosa asked.
“I think that the you-know-what is about to hit the fan,” Parker said simply.
Nobody disagreed. They sat without talking, allowing the night noises to lull their thoughts. It was like the calm before the impending storm.
Chapter Thirteen
Susan felt horrible. She’d purposely taken the early shift at the hospital in order to avoid having breakfast with Tess. Susan couldn’t face her yet because she was at a loss as to what to tell her—how to explain why she’d done it. She knew she had to tell Tess, that it was the right thing to do, but Susan knew it would hurt Tess deeply. How could Tess trust that she was no longer in love with Carrie when it seemed that at every turn, Susan became more entwined with her past? It was as if the universe were conspiring to get them back together.
And then there was the promise. Susan had promised Tess that she wouldn’t hide anything. If she didn’t tell Tess, then she broke her promise. Susan knew only too well what broken promises did to one’s heart. Should Susan sit her down and say, “I did this thing I shouldn’t have, but I didn’t think it through clearly and I didn’t discuss it with you. I know I should have?” How could she explain that it didn’t mean she loved Carrie?
Or did she? Was she lying even to herself?
Did she still love Carrie?
Staring at her mocha latte with a shot of caramel that she’d gotten from The Perk, Susan knew there was something wrong. She knew she’d gone in there because she wanted to see Carrie glowing with happiness. And she was. Even her barista skills had improved. She told Susan she was keeping the barista job because she could work morning shifts and then start her pickup service. She’d already made arrangements to go to Kansas City and purchase the gently-used van with a lift she’d chosen. She was so grateful to Susan.
Susan admitted it had given her a jolt of happiness that she had been able to help Carrie get back on her feet. She sipped her latte and wished a patient would come in so she’d have something to take her mind off her troubles. She didn’t usually work the early shift and now she knew why—it was boring. Evidently, people managed to hurt themselves mostly in the afternoon and evening.
As she filled out paperwork, Tess texted her that she loved her. Susan texted back with a heart emoticon. Her chest constricted. It wasn’t a lie, she did love Tess.
What was she going to do?
Rosa. She needed Rosa badly. She pulled out her phone and speed-dialed. “Can you take a late lunch? I need to talk to you. I’ll be off by one o’clock barring a major emergency.”
“Sure,” Rosa said.
“Great,” Susan said. She sensed a terseness in Rosa’s one-word response. “Is everything okay? Is your back hurting?”
“No more than usual.”
Susan breathed a sigh of relief. Evidently, Rosa didn’t know about the loan she had cosigned. Susan wanted Rosa to hear her side of the story without any outside influence. She felt if anyone could grasp the situation, it was Rosa. She’d seen Susan through many a crisis. It was all going to be okay.
Susan was saved further ruminations as Bobby Fairfield came in with a broken nose and a cut eyebrow from a playground accident. Bobby had been showing off, going down the slide headfirst.
His mother was shaking and on the edge. Bobby seemed to think of his bloody face and shirt as a great adventure. Bobby wanted to know if he’d have a scar like a pirate. Susan told him she hoped not. He seemed disappointed in her answer.
“The stitches are going to make you look really tough,” Susan said. “Plus, you’ll have a couple of beautiful black eyes for a week or so.”
Bobby brightened. “Awesome! The guys’ll be so jealous.”
“Do we need to bring in a plastic surgeon?” Mrs. Fairfield said. “He’s such a good-looking boy, I’d hate for him to be scarred for life.”
“I dated a plastic surgeon once and I learned some tricks of the trade. I’m really good with a needle,” Susan said. As she got out her instruments, she noted that Mrs. Fairfield grew pale. “Bobby, would it be okay if just the two of us did this and maybe Mommy could get a coffee?” She pointedly looked at Mrs. Fairfield, adding, “Or perhaps juice?”
“Sure. Mom isn’t real good with gore. She screams at scary movies. And this one time she threw up when I cut my finger and part of it was…”
Mrs. Fairfield interrupted, “I’ll take you up on that.” She almost tripped trying to get out of the room.
“She’s a wuss,” Bobby said.
“Not everyone is as strong as you,” Susan said. Herself included, she thought.
***
Rosa was sitting on the bench in front of the police station when Susan showed up for lunch. Susan had stopped by the juice bar and gotten them two smoothies and veggie sandwiches.
“I was hoping you’d bring lunch because I don’t have a lot of time. The chief is watching the phone lines because Clifford is dealing with an overflowing toilet in one of the jail cells.”
“I did not need to know that,” Susan said.
“Let’s go to the hidey-hole,” Rosa said. “It’s my new spot.”
Susan knew where that was. She’d been there before with Carrie, of all people. She figured it was the universe’s way of giving her a poke in the eye, even though as an avowed humanist, Susan did not believe in all that magical-thinking hoopla. “Great idea. Nobody will see us back there. You won’t get called in for a police emergency and no one will think I’m having legal trouble.”
They walked back around the courthouse and sat at the bench by the fountain. Rosa unwrapped her sandwich, picked up one corner of the bread, and stared at the sprouts.
“Don’t make faces. It’s a good-for-you lunch. At least I didn’t get you a kale smoothie,” Susan said.
“Thank god for small favors,” Rosa said. She tasted the smoothie. “This on the other hand is damn good.”
“Berry blast.”
They ate their sandwiches in companionable silence. Susan ate half of hers and wadded the remainder up in the wrapper. She barely registered what it tasted like and it took everything she had to get it down. The smoothie was easier.
Rosa noticed. “The sandwiches are pretty good. Don’t you like yours?”
“No, it’s fine. I’ve just got a lot on my mind,” Susan said.
“I bet you do,” Rosa said. She slurped her smoothie.
“What does that mean?”
“Susan, how long have we been friends? It’s time to come clean.”
“You know about the loan,” Susan said, staring down at her clasped hands.
“Yes, and pretty soon, so will half the town.”
“What?” Susan’s heart pounded and sweat broke out on her upper lip. Knowing the symptoms of the onset of a panic attack, she took deep, steady breaths.
“You were seen coming out of the bank with Carrie and it didn’t take much digging to find out what you were doing in there.” Rosa stared at her.
“A person can’t do anything in this town,” Susan said, her fear sparking anger.
“Especially, if you know you’re doing wrong. I’m sorry, but what the hell were you thinking?”
“Obviously, I wasn’t,” Susan said morosely. “And it’s not like I can take it back. I signed on the dotted line. I just wanted to help. That was first in my head. And then seeing Carrie happy made me fee
l better about us, about all this baggage we both need to let go of. I figured her getting a new start would make it easier for that to happen.” Susan knew she was floundering. Under Rosa’s intense scrutiny, she felt as if she were making up excuses for her own behavior.
Rosa took her hand. Susan thought it was a sweet gesture. She quickly changed her mind when Rosa bent her pinky back.
“Ouch! What are you doing?” Susan said, trying to pull her hand back. Rosa held on for a moment longer and then let go.
“That is how Tess’s heart is going to feel when she finds out what a shit you’ve been. What the hell are you doing? Are you still in love with Carrie? Because if you are, then you need to let Tess go. Now.”
Tears welled up in Susan’s eyes. “I love Tess. I don’t want Carrie. I still love her in that kind of way that we have a history that can’t be erased, but it doesn’t mean I want her. I can’t even imagine Carrie and me taking up where we left off.”
“Left off, as in she dumped you at the altar. That kind of left off?” Rosa’s face was red.
Susan angrily swiped at sudden tears. “I am fully aware of what she did, okay?”
Rosa put her arm around Susan and held her, letting Susan’s tears wet the front of her uniform shirt. “Shhh…it’ll be okay. We’ll make it okay,” Rosa said softly. She stroked Susan’s back until the sobs subsided.
Susan gathered herself together and pulled away. “Sorry. I kind of lost it there.”
“I didn’t notice,” Rosa said. She smiled at Susan.
Susan massaged her aching pinky finger. “Was that one of your police interrogation strategies?” she asked, taking the napkin from her sandwich and blowing her nose. She hated crying. It made such a mess with all that mucus, not to mention inflamed sinus passages.
“I’ve found it to be quite effective.”
“Oh, Rosa…What am I going to do? I know I have to tell her, but I don’t know how without making it into some big deal that it really isn’t.”
Rosa frowned. “Susan, it is a big deal. In fact, it could be a deal-breaker. You don’t seem to grasp that.”
“Damn it!” Susan said, pounding her fist on her knee. Why did this always happen when Carrie came into her life? Carrie was her own private hell.
“Hey, calm down. We’ll come up with something. Do you want me to talk to Tess for you?”
Susan vehemently shook her head. “That would be cowardly. I’ll tell her tonight and hope no one else gets to her first. She had to go to Kansas City to give a deposition today—that should buy me some time. I’ll get flowers and a good bottle of wine, then we’ll talk. How about that? I’ll give her the sordid details, explain myself, and hope for the best.” She looked over at Rosa. “I don’t want to lose Tess.”
“Then do the right thing.”
***
Tess’s drive home from the city was not pleasant or smooth. It was raining and there was an accident involving a tractor trailer and three cars—one of the cars was smashed beyond recognition. It reminded Tess of the ephemeral quality of life and how precious hers was now that Susan was in it. She’d been without a girlfriend for so long that she’d made up her mind not to open her heart to just anyone, that she would wait for the right person to come along before making the leap. And then Dr. Susan Everett had walked into her life like a prayer answered. Loving Susan had given her a quality of life she hadn’t known was possible.
As the rain pelted down on the car windshield, Tess thought of the warmth of the fireplace, of her and Susan having a glass of wine, telling each other of their day, eating a nice dinner. That was love, Tess thought: a good meal and the anticipation of lovemaking.
As she reached the city limits of Fenton, she breathed easier. She liked living in this small town full of good people, a community that cared, and the mellowness that seemed to envelope it. After spending the day in the city, coming home was relief. The rain stopped and the downtown streets glimmered with the wet. The street lamps gave it an ambient glow. It looked like a Thomas Kincaid painting where everything radiated peace and joy.
Her heart sang when she pulled in front of her house and saw Susan’s car in the drive. For once, no major emergency had kept her at the hospital. When she opened the front door of the house, she saw a fire in the fireplace and a very good bottle of cabernet sauvignon breathing on the table. Two empty wineglasses sat beside the bottle like an invitation.
Susan walked out of the kitchen and greeted Tess with a warm kiss. “I’m so glad you’re back safe and sound. I was worried with the rain and the roads—you know how people drive.”
“I hope you get the night off for real,” Tess said. “I passed a big accident on the road.”
“I’m not on call, thank god. It’s Rich’s turn and we’ve got a full complement tonight. I’m fairly certain we’ve got it covered,” Susan said. She helped Tess off with her raincoat and hung it on the coat rack. She kissed Tess’s neck and ran her hands over Tess’s shoulders. “The doctor recommends a shoulder rub, a glass of wine, and some serious relaxation.”
“Oh, I like that prescription,” Tess said. “But I’ve got to put the casserole in if we want to have dinner.”
“I can do that. All I need to know is the temperature and time,” Susan said.
Tess wrinkled her brow. “I wasn’t aware you cooked or knew how to make a fire.”
Susan walked back toward the kitchen. “I have many talents you are not aware of.”
“Do tell,” Tess teased.
***
Susan set the timer and put the casserole in the oven. They’d have time to talk later. She didn’t want to spoil dinner. They’d eat first and talk afterwards while they sat in front of the fire. They’d both be more relaxed by then. She went out to the living room where Tess had removed her boots and was leaning back, warming herself by the fire, and sipping wine. She looked so beautiful. Susan was glad she’d lit the fire. Even though it was spring, the storm had dropped the temperature by several degrees. Soon they’d be lighting the ceramic chiminea in the backyard, sitting under Tess’s small but cozy gazebo that Parker had designed and built especially for them.
Tess looked at Susan. “I love you so much,” she said. She patted the sofa beside her.
“I love you more,” Susan said. She meant it too. She sat next to Tess.
Tess curled into her. “You build a pretty good fire for a city girl.”
“Oh, yeah, and you’re so countrified,” Susan teased back.
“I was a Girl Scout.”
“I went to science camp,” Susan countered.
Tess laughed. Susan loved her laugh. If laughs were gems, Tess’s would be a handful of sparkling diamonds.
Please let her understand why I helped Carrie, Susan thought. I want this beautiful, caring, lively, and fun woman in my life. Tess was so different from Carrie. She wasn’t selfish or self-absorbed. Carrie was mostly about Carrie. Tess was a giver. She genuinely cared about people, whereas Carrie had trouble connecting with people past a superficial level. Perhaps that was why Monica, who was also self-absorbed and shallow, was such an attraction for her. Carrie must have felt more comfortable with that kind of a lover. Susan’s caring and nurturing personality had been too much for her.
“Am I too needy?” Susan asked.
Tess laughed. “Did Carrie tell you that?”
“No. I guess her being around has me questioning myself as a partner. You’d tell me if I were annoyingly cloying?”
Tess laughed again. She turned Susan’s face toward hers. “I would tell you, but for the record, you’re not. You are caring and kind and respectful. Don’t let Carrie’s being back in town make you question yourself. Okay?”
“Okay,” Susan said softly.
Tess leaned in and kissed her. Her kisses began shy then quickly grew more passionate. When she pulled away, she studied Susan’s face. “What happened with Carrie was not your fault. You know that right?”
“I just want to be perfect for you.”
<
br /> “You already are.” She kissed her again. “What are you doing after dinner?” Tess whispered seductively.
“What did you have in mind?” The serious conversation could wait a little while longer, Susan thought.
“A bubble bath,” Tess said. “With the woman I love.”
“I think I might have an opening in my schedule,” Susan said coyly.
***
After dinner they took their wine glasses into the bath. Facing each other, their legs intertwined, ankles crossed behind each other’s backs, they relaxed in the lavender-scented bathwater, bubbles up to their necks.
“Remember when we first met at Griffin Park?” Tess asked.
“How could I forget?” Susan said.
“Parker told me that you were worth going after,” Tess said. “And she was right.” She scooped up a handful of water and dripped it over Susan’s shoulders. The rivulets ran down Susan’s skin, causing her nipples to harden.
Susan shivered. “We also had a little help from Steph, the matchmaker,” she said.
“Steph pretends she’s tough and butch, but underneath she is a true romantic,” Tess said. “We have good friends.” She poured more warm water over Susan’s shoulders, and watched the bubbles drip over her breasts.
“We do.” Susan felt a pang of guilt. Her friends wanted her to fess up. But really, was it such a big deal? Here she and Tess were, having a bath, talking about how wonderful their lives were. What did it matter if she had helped an old friend? Did Parker tell Amy everything? Hadn’t Rosa kept secrets from Steph when Rosa had been injured and stuck in a wheelchair? Didn’t we all keep harmless secrets? That was the key word: harmless.
Susan decided that if Tess found out about the loan, she would explain with as little fanfare as possible, telling her that helping Carrie was no skin off her back. Susan was just a name on a line. What did that really matter? She’d only spent ten minutes in the bank signing and initialing loan papers.
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