His eyebrows shot upward. “There’s that word again. I see you still assume my every action must be perfect.”
“The demand for perfection is in your makeup. Both for yourself and for all around you.”
“How lofty of me.”
“It’s who you are, Your Grace. To help your endeavor, I have already written to Celie to explain what exemplary care you took of me, and how you assisted me. You can rest assured Celie will forgive your previous indiscretions and you will have your family returned to you.”
“I see,” he answered.
“I sincerely hope that you do,” Amanda added. “Your charade is over. I don’t intend to accept anything more from you. As you are aware, my brother left your premises yesterday. I intend to follow shortly.”
“When will that be?” he asked.
“In only a few days. A week at the outside.”
“I see.”
“Yes, well…” She stopped to take a deep breath. “Once I leave, I would like to ask that you sever our relationship as completely as I intend for it to be severed.”
“Does that mean you prefer not to speak with me again?”
“Not only to never speak with you, but never to see you, or have any association with you. To ensure that happens, I will remove myself to the country and reside at Mattenden Estate.”
The Duke of Hadleigh pushed himself to his feet. His back was to her as he overlooked the quiet waters on the pond. “How long do you intend to distance yourself from me, as well as from any association with polite Society?”
Forever.
“I’m not sure. The time is yet to be determined.”
He turned to face her. “Don’t do this, Amanda. I didn’t mean what you overheard.”
“Like you didn’t mean to do what you did to Haywood and your sister?”
He jerked back as if he’d been struck, then raked his fingers through his hair, hair she remembered raking her fingers through often. But that was in the past. In another lifetime.
“Is there anything I can say to convince you that I didn’t mean what you heard? Anything I can say so you’ll believe how much you mean to me? Anything I can say or do to prove that I love you?”
Amanda’s heart skipped a beat.
“Yes, Amanda. I love you. I’m not sure when I knew that I did. Perhaps when I kissed you that first time in the ally outside Marquit’s office. Perhaps when I brought you to live in my home, knowing that our fates were sealed, and that thought pleased me more than I thought it would. Perhaps the first time we made love and I realized I didn’t want to spend my life without you beside me.”
“I would have done anything, including wrestle the devil himself if it provided me a way to get my sister back.”
Amanda clutched her fingers in her lap until they ached. Oh, if only she could believe him. She loved him too, had from the first time she’d seen him when he was a strapping young man and she a young, impressionable girl. Long before he’d noticed her. Long before he’d come to dislike her. Long before she’d made love to him.
It seems she’d loved him her whole life. But she couldn’t allow herself to believe that he loved her. He only said he did because he couldn’t live with himself now that he’d ruined her for any other man.
Doing what was right was part of his makeup. He needed to do what he considered the perfect thing to do. Because he was the perfect Duke of Hadleigh. And the perfect thing to do was to marry her.
But marriage wasn’t something he wanted. It was something he felt obligated to offer. She only had to reject him until she was strong enough to leave. Until she was well enough to be away from his influence. Only a few more days.
“You don’t love me, Your Grace. You feel responsible for me. You feel obligated for my welfare, but you do not love me. I was nothing more than a means for you to work your way back into your sister’s good graces. In time you will realize that too.
“You have accomplished everything Celie demanded of you and more. I am glad I could be of service in that regard, but please…” She swallowed hard. “Please, don’t ask more of me. I’ve given all I can give and still survive.”
“Please, Amanda. Don’t do this.”
“Don’t do what? Don’t prevent you from doing what your code of honor tells you that you must? Don’t give in like so many of your acquaintances do when you take a stand? Don’t refuse to capitulate to your wishes?”
Amanda saw the effect of the blows she’d leveled at him. Her words were making an impact. She should be pleased, but she was anything but. She hurt as greatly as he did. Perhaps more.
“When I marry, I need to know that the man whose name I bear chose me because he loved me. Not because I was the baggage he had to assume in order to gain a greater reward. I will never know that if I marry you. What I will know is that you married me because you felt obligated to.”
She’d wounded him. She saw that her words had injured his pride. His stoic stance, his tightly-fisted hands at his side, the rigid brace of his shoulders, it all evidenced the damage her words had done.
He stood with his back to her, his gaze focused somewhere far into the distance. A long, tension-filled silence stretched between them. Finally he spoke.
“You have made yourself abundantly clear, my lady. I will not intrude on your privacy, nor will I assert my will again where it is not wanted. I will, in fact, make myself absent from the house until you are well enough to leave. At that time, my carriage and my staff will be available to transport you.”
Amanda swallowed hard. This was harder than she thought it would be. Leaving him hurt more than she thought it would. “Thank you, Your Grace. I appreciate your understanding.”
“I will leave you to enjoy a few more moments in the sunshine, then,” he said, taking one step away from her, then another. He stopped before he’d gone too far. “I have one question before I leave. And I would like a truthful answer.”
“Of course,” she answered.
“Are you with child?”
Amanda’s breath caught. “No, Your Grace. I’m not with child.”
He answered with a sharp nod, then continued on his way out of her life.
CHAPTER 23
The Duke of Hadleigh had been true to his word. Amanda hadn’t seen him once since their conversation in the garden. If he spent his nights at Hadleigh House, she wasn’t aware of it. Nor was she aware of his comings and goings. It was as if he’d disappeared until she was no longer in residence.
She thought that would make her feel better, knowing that she wouldn’t have to struggle with her body’s reaction to his nearness. Knowing that she wouldn’t have the constant reminder of how much he meant to her. But it hadn’t. She missed him more than she thought she would. More than she thought she could.
And her heart ached with a longing powerful enough to bring her to her knees.
Amanda placed her final belongings into a valise, then let a footman carry it to the waiting carriage. Everything was packed and she was ready to travel to Mattenden Manor in the country.
“Are you ready, Nellie?” she asked her lady’s maid.
“Yes, my lady.”
Amanda shook her head. “I don’t know why His Grace insisted you accompany me. I’ll get along fine until I reach home.”
“His Grace was most insistent, my lady. He still considers it his duty to see to your welfare.”
“Of course.” Amanda reached for her reticule, then walked out of the room that had been her home for the past several months.
Several of the household staff were there to bid her farewell, along with Barkley, who waited by the door.
“Thank you for everything, Barkley. You have been a great help.”
“Thank you, my lady. It is with regret that you are leaving us. His Grace will strongly feel your absence.”
Amanda couldn’t find words that offered an adequate response. Instead, she nodded a reply, and waited for Barkley to open the door.
“Reynolds is wait
ing to take you,” he said as she left the house.
“Thank you,” she answered as a final reply, then walked to the waiting carriage.
Her eyes burned as she stepped inside the carriage. She fought tears, but knew as the carriage pulled away from Hadleigh House that she was losing her battle to stay strong. Oh, how she wished things would have been different. How she wished Hadleigh could have loved her freely, not cared for her because she was an obligation. Not cared for her because it was the proper thing to do. Or because she was the means to a very important end.
She leaned back against the squabs and let her heart ache for what could never be. She let her heart splinter and crack, then finally break. But most of all, she allowed her heart to come to terms with losing a love she’d only dreamed of ever having.
She closed her eyes and let Sterling’s carriage carry her farther away from him, and any hope for a future with him.
. . .
She may have fallen asleep. She wasn’t sure. Neither was she sure of the time, or how long they’d been traveling. She only knew they should have already arrived. Mattenden Estate wasn’t that far from London.
Amanda looked out the window, searching for familiar landmarks that would indicate that they were nearing home. She didn’t see anything that looked remotely familiar. In fact…
She looked at the surroundings, then at the position of the sun in the sky. She stuck her head out the window and yelled at the driver.
“Reynolds, this isn’t the way to Mattenden Estate. You are going the wrong direction.”
“We aren’t going to Mattenden Estate, my lady. My instructions were to take you to Haywood Manor.”
“No, I want to go to—”
“We’re almost there, my lady. The lane is just ahead.”
Amanda watched out the window as the carriage slowed, then turned, then made its way up the tree-lined lane toward Haywood Manor. Her friend, Celie, Hadleigh’s sister, stood at the top of the stairs waiting for her. Her husband, Jonah, stood at her side.
The moment the carriage came to a halt, Celie rushed down the stairs. Amanda barely had time to step to the ground before Celie wrapped her arms around her and held her close.
“Oh, Amanda. I didn’t think you’d ever get here.”
“I didn’t think this was where I was going.”
“Consider that my fault,” the Earl of Haywood said, standing beside them. “Hadleigh was fearful that you weren’t completely healed and was afraid you wouldn’t be adequately taken care of. Since Celie has missed you to no end, I offered to bring you here so you could not only have a nice long visit with my wife, but be pampered and spoiled for as long as you want.”
“See what excellent care he takes of me?” Celie said, reaching up and cupping her palm to her husband’s cheek. “Not to mention that this will give you an excellent opportunity to become a part of our son’s life.”
“How is the little fellow?” Amanda asked.
“Not so little any more. He eats as if it has been a week since his last feeding.”
“I can’t wait to see him, Celie.”
“I suggest that we get you settled, and you can rest, then take you to meet little Sterling tomorrow.”
Sterling. She’d forgotten the babe’s name was Sterling. She’d forgotten that he’d been named after his uncle.
“Come,” Celie said, hooking her arm through Amanda’s and leading her into the house.
Haywood Manor was much improved since the last time she’d seen it. “Your house is beautiful,” she said as they walked into the foyer, then up a curving staircase.
“Haywood has worked tirelessly to make it into our home.”
“He’s to be congratulated.”
When they reached the top of the stairs, Celie led her to a room at the far end of the hall. She opened the door, and Amanda entered a beautiful room, done in various shades of burgundies and creams. “The room is gorgeous. Very warm and welcoming.”
“That’s how I hoped you’d see it. I want you to feel welcome, Amanda. I want you to stay for as long as you can. It’s been too long since we’ve had time together.”
Amanda wasn’t sure what came over her, but her eyes filled with tears and an ache in her chest hurt more painfully. Before she could consider her actions, she reached out and pulled her friend into an embrace. “I’ve missed you, too,” Amanda said, pulling away and swiping at the wetness on her cheeks.
“Then we will remedy that with your visit. We will spend so much time in each other’s company that we will get tired of each other.”
“I doubt that can happen,” Amanda said, giving Celie’s fingers a gentle squeeze.
Celie squeezed Amanda’s fingers in return. “Now, I promised my husband that I wouldn’t over tire you when you arrived. He described the ordeal you went through and explained that you aren’t yet completely healed. I want you to rest for a while. We’ll have days and weeks to spend time together.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to overstay my visit.”
Celie laughed. “You just arrived. Promise me you won’t think of leaving for a very long time.”
Amanda couldn’t answer her friend.
“Promise, Amanda. Not for a very long time.”
Amanda tried to smile. “I promise.”
Celie returned her smile. “Good. Now rest for an hour or so, then we’ll take a stroll through the gardens before dinner. I’ll wait until morning to introduce you to little Sterling. He’s a handful at any time, but will be impossible when you aren’t rested yet from your journey.”
“Yes, I am quite tired.”
“Take care of your mistress,” Celie ordered Nellie before she left. “Get her out of these traveling clothes and put her to bed for a while.”
“Yes, my lady,” Nellie answered with a smile.
Celie opened the door, but stopped before she left. “I’m glad you’re here, Amanda. I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too. I’ve missed having a friend to talk to.”
Celie smiled. “We’ll talk then until you are hoarse. It’s been too long.”
Amanda watched her friend leave the room. Nellie helped her out of her flared skirt and jacket, then slipped a wrapper around her shoulders. When she’d washed and was comfortable, Nellie pulled back the covers and stood by the bed until Amanda crawled in.
Nellie pulled the drapes before she left, leaving the room in semi-darkness. Amanda knew the maid’s intentions had been to provide an atmosphere that was more conducive to resting and sleeping, but the truth was that the darkness exposed thoughts of a love she’d experienced and lost. Of dreams that had turned into nightmares.
If only she could keep the Duke of Hadleigh from intruding where he wasn’t wanted. If only she didn’t feel as if more of her heart had died every day she’d been separated from him.
If only she didn’t love him as desperately as she did. If only she thought that it was possible that some day she could live without his love.
. . .
Amanda strolled through the Haywood gardens with Celie at her side. She loved it here. She loved the fragrant scent of the flowers in full bloom. She loved the riot of amazing colors. But most of all, she loved the sense of peacefulness that settled over her every time she walked through the beautiful grounds.
She’d been at Haywood Manor almost a month now, and knew it wouldn’t be long before she had to leave. No matter how much she’d enjoyed spending time with Celie, and Haywood, and little Sterling, she couldn’t impose on her friend’s generosity forever. It was time to get on with her life.
She tried to tell herself that she could manage now. That she could survive a life without the Duke of Hadleigh in it, but there were times when she wasn’t sure. Especially in the dark, or when she was alone, or when she was idle and had time to think. And reflect. Then, she lost herself to agonizing tears. She ached with such loneliness she was certain she wouldn’t be able to exist another day without him in her life.
&n
bsp; But she had to. She didn’t have a choice. She couldn’t throw herself at a man who had never wanted her. Who had only wanted what she could provide him—the means to be reunited with his family. Which was another reason she had to leave.
As long as she was here, he honored the promise he’d made to stay far away from her. As long as she was visiting Celie, he hadn’t come near Haywood Manor, or visited even once to acquaint himself with his namesake.
Yes, she had to leave, and soon.
“The weather has been perfect nearly every day since I arrived,” she said as she and Celie walked along one of the cobblestone paths. “I will miss your gardens, and your company.”
“You’ve decided to go, then,” Celie answered. “I’ve anticipated your decision.”
“Yes, it’s time I returned to Mattenden Estate. I’ve left it on its own far too long.”
“I thought you said your brother had taken an interest in its running.”
“He has, but there’s much he doesn’t know about managing an estate.”
“When are you going to give him a free reign, Amanda? He will never learn to be in control if he is not allowed to. You said yourself that he has changed.”
“He has. His experience with the smuggling ring, and knowing he was unwittingly associated with human trafficking changed him beyond recognition.”
“For the better?”
“Oh, yes. He is much more responsible now. All I worry about where he is concerned is his reluctance to enter Society. He was badly scarred, you know. If left to his own design, he could easily turn into a recluse.”
“What about you?”
Celie’s question startled her. Her first impulse was to lie. To vow that she would return for the Season next year. But Celie would see through her lie and call her out on it. “I don’t know,” she finally answered. “I don’t know what I will do yet. Being an integral part of the Town scene has never held great appeal, as you know. It holds even less now.”
“It doesn’t have to be like this, Amanda—” Celie started to say, but Amanda held out a hand to stop her words, and Celie was forced to halt on the path beside her.
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