I have to stop seeing Hawk.
I don’t know how I’ll stand it, but I do.
The pain that hits me in the chest as I tell myself this is almost physical. I thought being cheated on by my fiancé was the worst possible way I would ever be hurt by a man. But somehow, this is so much more devastating. Even though it’s not a betrayal of me, exactly.
It hurts, I realize, because Hawk hasn’t even betrayed me yet. But now I’ll always be afraid that eventually he will. And that makes me feel like all the oxygen is being sucked out of my lungs.
The phone rings a couple of times, but I don’t answer it. I have an appointment later in the day — with a potential client for some family reunion photos — but I call and cancel it in between crying jags. After a while, I stop crying and fall into an exhausted sleep on the couch. Thankfully, I don’t dream.
When I wake up, it’s almost dark already. I’ve slept almost the entire day away. I feel a little better, and make myself some toast for dinner. Then I sit down and force myself to go through some emails and plan my day tomorrow.
I’m just about to shut my laptop and make myself go to bed when there’s a soft knock at the door.
I tiptoe up to it and see Hawk’s profile in shadow on the other side.
“I know you’re in there, Samantha. Your car is here,” he says.
“Go away.”
“No.”
“I’m not opening the door.”
“If you don’t open the door tonight, I’ll just sleep here,” he says. “Your grandma might take offense at me camping out in her back yard after a while.”
I shut my eyes tight and will him to go away, but when I open them again it’s clear he means what he says. I fling open the door.
“Go away,” I say again.
“I need to talk to you.”
“No.”
“Please.” His deep voice is gentle. Almost like a caress. I almost burst into tears again.
“I don’t want to talk to you,” I whisper.
“Sam.”
He doesn’t move, doesn’t try to come in, but he makes it clear through his body language that he’s not leaving, either. “That wasn’t what you probably think it was,” he says.
Somehow I manage to laugh. “Oh, no?” I ask bitterly and shake my head. “I have to admit, I can’t think of a lot of alternative explanations to why a woman with a little boy would be coming to you asking for money. So you must have spent some time to come up with a really good one.”
“Samantha.” He doesn’t get angry, or defensive. If anything, he just sounds tired. “Please. Just please let me in and give me five minutes. If you still don’t believe me after what I have to say, then I guess I’ll just have to live with that.”
I open my mouth to say no again. I swear I do. So I have no idea why that’s not what comes out.
I sigh.
“You promise to leave the next time I ask you to.” It’s not a question. It’s the only way I’m letting him in this house.
He nods. “I promise, Sam. Just hear what I came here to say.”
“When Liam found Anita in my bed, he assumed we’d been going behind his back for a while,” Hawk is saying now, staring at his hands. “He was so upset he wouldn’t listen to anything I tried to tell him.” He shakes his head. “And Anita wasn’t saying anything at all. Fuck, it didn’t even seem like she cared all that much that we’d been caught. Maybe she thought I’d take her back if she and Liam broke up. I don’t know.
“Liam went running out of the apartment. By the time I got some clothes on and ran after him, he’d sped away in his car.” Hawk’s voice goes ragged. “The next morning, the police came knocking. Liam had been in a one-car crash outside of town. He was going too fast around a corner and hit a tree. They said he probably died on impact.” He looks down. “I’ll never know whether he did it on purpose or not.”
“Oh, my God,” I breathe. I want to reach out, to touch him, but I’m afraid to move. I feel sick to my stomach at Hawk’s words. It’s clear to me he’s not lying, at least about this part. He looks too destroyed. Like it just happened yesterday, instead of ten years ago.
“Not long after Liam died, Anita miscarried. At least, that’s what she said.” He rubs his jaw absently and finally looks at me, his eyes full of pain. “She wasn’t far along enough to be showing. Looking back on it now, I’m not sure she ever really was pregnant. Or if she was, whether it was even Liam’s kid.”
“I’m so sorry, Hawk,” I murmur. And it’s true. My heart is breaking for him. Even though it happened so long ago, it’s clear he’s still living with the guilt.
Hawk leans back against the couch cushions. “Anita tried to start something back up with me after Liam died, if you can believe that shit.” He blows out a disgusted breath, his face contorting into a snarl. “I told her to stay the fuck away from me and changed the locks on the apartment. After that, I didn’t see her for a while. I heard she left town, then she was back, and somewhere along the line she got into drugs. I think she managed to piss off pretty much everyone she knew who wasn’t a fucking deadbeat. Then she got pregnant.” His jaw tenses. “Somehow managed to give birth to a healthy baby.”
Connor.
“So… the little boy. He isn’t yours?” I ask.
He sighs. “No. I don’t know who Connor’s dad is. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if Anita doesn’t, either.”
I feel sick, and horrible for judging Hawk for something he didn’t do.
“I feel damn sorry for that kid,” Hawk says huskily. “Because as far as I can tell, Anita doesn’t give two shits about him. And it could have been Liam’s kid, you know? Maybe if my brother was still alive, it would have been his. Hell, Liam would have been fucking miserable with Anita, but at least he would have been a good dad to his son.”
“So, that’s why you give her money for food sometimes,” I say softly.
“Yeah, I guess so.” His expression is impossibly sad. “Probably doesn’t do much good, but I just keep hoping it’ll get Connor through for a little longer, and that maybe one day Anita will pull her shit together and start being a decent mother.” He lets out a humorless laugh. “Not much chance of that, though.”
I reach out and gingerly run a finger over the outline of Hawk’s newest tattoo.
“Liam,” I whisper, reading the word inscribed underneath the guitar. “Thank you for telling me, Hawk.”
“I’ve never talked to anyone about it before.” Hawk glances over at me.
“I’m honored,” I say. “Truly.”
His eyes meet mine. “I’m pretty sure my five minutes were up a while ago. Do you still want me to leave?”
In response, I move closer to him.
“No,” I murmur, as he takes me in his arms. “I don’t want you to leave.”
29
Hawk
A couple weeks later, I’m doing something I never would have imagined in a million years.
Samantha and I are on a fucking double date. With Ghost and Jenna.
Jenna suggested the whole thing, and Sam seemed so excited about the idea that after a while I started to come around to it, too. It seemed to make her happy to do something so normal with me. Like regular couples do. And hell, making Sam happy is worth anything, just to see the smile on her face.
The four of us ride out to a popular lakeside bar a few towns over, called The Lakeshore Tap. It’s a place where bikers from all around the area like to meet after a long day on the road. Tonight, the place is hopping when we arrive, as it often is on the weekends. There’s a stage inside where a band’s going to be playing later. The four of us ask for a table outside on the patio, where we can enjoy our drinks and food with a view of the lake.
I haven’t been on anything even resembling a date since I was in high school. And even then, I was only doing it to get into some chick’s pants. At first, I feel conspicuous as fuck as we sit here, like I’m trying to fit into some weird “couple” mold. But little by li
ttle, I start to relax and enjoy myself. After all, it’s a nice evening out, I’ve got a sexy as hell woman with me who keeps giving me these dazzling smiles, and I’m with one of my club brothers. Life is good.
Life is good.
I haven’t had that thought in a very long time.
“I’ve never seen this many bikers at once,” marvels Sam as she looks around. “Who are all these guys?”
“They’re from clubs all over. Some of them are weekend warriors. Those guys over there are from the Death Devils,” I say as I nod toward a large, loud group on the other side of the patio. “Some, I don’t really recognize.”
“Is it dangerous here?” Sam asks, wide-eyed. She doesn’t know much about our club business, but I know she’s thinking about how I got shot a while ago.
“Nah, it’s okay,” Ghost shrugs, leaning back in his chair. “This place is kind of neutral territory. The owner used to be the prez of one of the clubs the next state over, just across the border. He doesn’t take any shit from anybody, and he doesn’t hesitate to throw people out on their ass if they step over the line.”
Inside, a four-piece band takes the stage to a smattering of applause. They start their first song, a cover of an old seventies classic rock song.
“Maybe you should try to get a gig here sometime,” Sam says to me in a teasing tone.
“Not a chance,” I tell her. “I only play guitar for myself, and for family on special occasions.”
Across the table from us, Jenna smiles. “It’s the world’s loss, Hawk.” She glances lovingly over at Ghost. “We were awfully lucky you agreed to play for our wedding. I’ll never forget it.”
“Okay then,” I say gruffly, getting up. “Enough sap. Ghost, come out front and have a smoke with me.”
Jenna and Sam laugh as the two of us push our chairs back, leaving them to whatever it is women talk about when their men aren’t around.
Out in front, we go over to the bikes and lean against them. I offer Ghost a cigarette from my pack, which he takes.
“So, yeah,” he says. “You and Sam, then.”
“You gonna ride my ass?” I ask in a mock-angry voice.
Ghost laughs. “Of course not, brother. I’m happy for you. And for Jenna. She fucking loves Sam. I think she’s excited as hell to have a close girlfriend around the club.”
I don’t say anything. Truth be told, I’m happier than I can ever remember being in my life, but I’m not ready to have a conversation about it.
Maybe sensing my reluctance, Ghost changes the subject. “Anyway, so I was talking to Angel earlier today. Sounds like we’re gonna be looking at moving forward with the garage plans. Rock wants to talk about it at church in a couple of days.”
“Good deal. It’s about time we started moving forward on that.” I take a pull on the smoke and blow it out. “You know, Sam had an idea a while back when I mentioned it to her. I was telling her how I’ve always wanted to design custom bikes. She said maybe we should expand the garage idea. Open a custom bike design workshop in the space, too.”
Ghost thinks about it for a second and starts to nod. “That’s not a bad idea. Shit, it’s not like we don’t have enough room at the warehouse. And I’ve seen what you’ve done to your bike and some of the other guys’.”
“Yeah, and that’s without a dedicated shop,” I tell him. “I could do a lot more if I had the space and equipment to do it.”
“Well, there’d sure as shit be demand for it,” he agrees. “I can’t think of another place around here that does any decent work of that kind. No way I’d ever trust any of them with my bike.” He leans forward and claps me on the shoulder. “I think it’s a great idea. It’d be a way to grow the garage and make a name for ourselves in the area. I bet the rest of the brothers would feel the same.”
Shit, I’m starting to get excited about this. Without even meaning to, I start to dream about where things could be for me by this time next year. With Sam by my side, a new custom bike shop to get up and running… All of a sudden, it feels like my life’s got a plan. A purpose. Instead of me just living in the moment and trying not to think to much about the future or the past.
I finish my smoke and give Ghost a grin. “Come on, let’s get back inside,” I say. “I’m in the mood for another beer.”
Later that night, the four of us ride home in the moonlight. Sam’s arms are wrapped around me as she snuggles against my back for warmth. The moon is full, and so bright that I almost don’t even need my headlamp.
Once we’re back in Tanner Springs, Ghost gives me a wave and turns right toward his and Jenna’s house. I continue straight toward my street. It’s not even a question that Sam’s staying the night with me, so I don’t ask. I just drive up to my place, pull the bike into the garage, and take her hand to lead her inside. The two beers she had at the restaurant have made her sleepy, so we make slow, deliberate love until she cries out in the darkness and I crash over the edge with her.
Lying in bed afterwards, she softly traces the Lords of Carnage tattoo on my left pec. “Do all the club members have a tattoo like this?” she asks softly.
“Pretty much,” I nod. “It’s not a requirement, strictly speaking. But by the time you’ve gone through enough to get patched into the club, it’s something you want to do.”
“It’s a lifelong commitment, then.” She doesn’t sound bothered, only curious.
“Yeah. Like a family. Maybe more so.” I think about my own blood family, and what Sam’s told me of hers. “Sometimes the family you choose ends up being more of a bond than the family you’re born with, I guess.”
I start to drift off to sleep, listening to the music of Sam’s soft breathing beside me. As I do, I think about the two of us, and what the future might hold. Maybe someday, when we think of family, it will mean the two of us.
The loud crack of gunfire startles me awake, repeating so fast it can only be from a semi-auto rifle. I bolt upright, my brain struggling to understand what’s happening. Then almost before I even know what I’m doing I’m pulling Sam to me and diving for the floor.
“Keep down!” I shout at her as the sound of shattering glass bursts in my ears like an explosion. Sam lets out a shriek and clings to me as I throw my body over hers to protect her.
Afterwards, I’ll realize the whole thing probably only lasted five seconds or so before the squeal of tires and a revving engine signaled the gunmen’s departure.
“Hawk!” Sam cries, her voice cracking with fright.
“It’s okay, baby,” I soothe. “It’s okay. We’re all right.”
But the bastards who just tried to kill us won’t be for long.
30
Samantha
The next day, I still start to shake uncontrollably whenever I think about the shootout at Hawk’s place, and how close we came to being killed. When the rest of the club finds out what happened, Jenna immediately comes to the clubhouse to sit with me while the men have a meeting about it.
It’s the first time I’ve been in the clubhouse. Any other time, I might have been intimidated or scared to come here, but under the circumstances it makes me feel safe and protected to have the entire club here, all around me. I remember back to when Hawk got shot, and how the club decided to go into lockdown. As I wait with Jenna while the men have what they call church, I ask her if she thinks they might do that again.
“I don’t know,” she says. “It’s possible. It will depend on whether they think a lockdown is the best way to protect us all.”
“Why would this happen?” I ask miserably. “Who would have done something like this?”
Jenna purses her lips. “Cas said this morning that he thinks someone from the Lakeshore Tap might have seen us last night and followed us back to Tanner Springs. When we split up, they could have just made a decision to follow you instead of us.”
“Oh, my God!” I shudder, feeling suddenly cold. If they’d followed Jenna and Cas instead, the gunfire could have killed one of their kids, or
one of them.
Jenna puts an arm around me. “It’s okay. We’re all safe now.”
“Does the club have any idea who would have done this?”
Jenna nods grimly. “Yeah. I think they do. Cas also said he thinks this was just a warning. A kind of ‘we know where you live’ thing to spook the Lords. He said that if their aim had been to kill one of us, they probably would have just done that, instead of shooting up the front of one of our houses.”
The door to the room they call the chapel opens, and the men come filing out. Hawk and Ghost come straight to us. Hawk sits down on the couch next to me.
“We’re not going into lockdown,” he tells me. “But you and I are going to stay here at the clubhouse for a few days.” He strokes my cheek with his thumb. “My place is gonna need some repairs, and I don’t want you going back to your grandma’s right now.”
I nod. I don’t want her to be dragged into this — whatever it is.
“Hawk, can you please tell me what’s going on?” I ask in a small voice.
“Just some problems with a rival club,” he murmurs. “It’ll get handled. But until then, I’m not letting you out of my sight.”
“But… I can’t just live here twenty-four seven indefinitely,” I complain. “I’ll lose clients. I’ve got the night class to teach. And photo shoots planned.”
At first, Hawk argues with me and threatens to put his foot down. Eventually, I manage to convince him by promising I’ll check in with him faithfully whenever I do anything or go anywhere, so he’ll always know where I am.
A frown darkens his face as he considers this. Finally, he nods once, even though I can tell he doesn’t want to.
“We’re putting a GPS tracker on your phone, too, and connecting it to mine,” he says, and it’s not a question. “You keep that phone on your person at all times. No exceptions.”
HAWK (Lords of Carnage MC) Page 15