by Jenn Hype
CJ noticed my distraction and looked at me funny from across the table. I just smiled and shook my head. He was enjoying his time with his friends and I didn’t want to talk about Dan in front of them.
“Hey, Blake,” Josi said from across the table. “Tell us about Doug.”
I groaned at the sky. Michelle snickered from beside me. Brat. She had to have put Josi up to this.
“Yeah, Blakey, tell us about Doug,” Liam chimed in, smiling widely when I glared at him.
“It’s not even that interesting of a story,” I assured them. To which Michelle, of course, immediately jumped in to argue.
“Yeah right. It’s one of my favorites in the book of Blake’s Tall Tales.”
“Is that a real book?”
I glanced at Clara. She looked serious. “No,” I answered her. Everyone around the table was staring at me expectantly. I was so going to kick Chelle’s ass later.
“It was the first time I’d ever been on a blind date, so I was kind of nervous.”
Malcolm snorted then shrugged when I looked at him. “Hard to imagine you being nervous.”
That made me smile. It was rare my nerves got to me, but it did happen on occasion.
“So anyway, I met him at the restaurant.”
“He didn’t pick you up?”
Josi shushed Clara for interrupting.
“It was a nice day out, and when I got there, he’d already been seated at one of the outdoor tables on the restaurant’s patio. It was sunny and he had on sunglasses, which I didn’t think anything of. He didn’t get up to pull out my chair or greet me right when I walked up, though, so that kind of annoyed me.”
All the girls made noises in agreement.
“We’d barely said hello to each other before the waiter walked up and asked if we’d like to order. I’d already been to that restaurant and knew what I wanted, so I said I was ready and asked Doug if he knew what he wanted or if anything in particular looked good to him. To which he responded, ‘I’m blind, so no, nothing looks good.’”
“What a jerk!” Clara exclaimed, making Josi shush her again.
“Don’t worry. He gets what’s coming to him,” Michelle assured her.
The next part didn’t paint me in the best light, which is why I hated telling this story, but it was a good example of my approach to life I suppose. I had no issues with dating someone with a disability. A lot of people get uncomfortable in those situations and don’t know what to say or do, but not me. Where other people avoided the elephant in the room as much as possible, I would hop on and take him for a ride. So even if I had known beforehand that I was being set up with a blind guy, I still would have gone.
“So I was all ‘my bad’ and decided it would be better to fill the awkward silence with some questions.”
“Uh oh,” Liam said while rubbing his hands together, like he knew the story was about to get good. “What kinds of questions?”
“I asked him how he knew whether or not someone spit on his food. Or if his toilet had a giant splash guard since he couldn’t aim, or if he just sat down to pee. And how he knew when to quit wiping after he pooped.”
Beer sprayed out of Sebastian’s mouth, drenching Malcolm. Everyone broke out into hysterics. Except for Malcolm, he was pretty pissed. And Sebastian, who was still having a coughing fit.
“Oh my gosh,” Josi said on a laugh. “What did he say?”
I laughed. “He called me a bitch and started to get up and stick me with the bill. I stole his walking stick and held it hostage so he couldn’t.”
“I can’t. No more,” Liam said, clutching his side.
“I told him that while he was blind, I wasn’t, to which he accused me of bragging that I had eyesight. He was shouting by this point. We’d drawn a lot of stares, but I just sat there and waited for him to chill out. When he was done with his tantrum I told him to have a seat or I’d follow him home so I’d know where he lived, then I’d break in when he was asleep and put saran wrap on all his toilets.”
“Does this story end with a restraining order?” CJ asked, smiling ruefully with something that looked an awful lot like adoration in his eyes. An odd time for the emotion, but it affected me all the same.
I shook my head. “No, it ends with me and Doug being besties. I wound up introducing him to the woman he married about a year later and he asked me to be his best man. He told me I had to wear a tux. I told him I’d wear whatever I wanted and just lie about it because he’d never know the difference. My best man speech at the reception was full of blind people jokes.”
“Only you could pick a fight with a blind person and wind up standing up with them at their wedding,” Clara said while wiping tears from her eyes.
I shrugged. “Sometimes my approach works out, sometimes it doesn’t. Doug was a good guy. He’d lost his eyesight five years before when a mugger hit him in the back of the head with the butt of a gun. It was kind of a freak thing that he went totally blind and he was still really bitter.” I took a drink of my water, thinking back to that day and Doug’s not so stellar reaction to my brutal honesty.
“Blake is being modest,” Michelle spoke up. She ignored the warning glare I gave her. “Growing up, she was always the one who would befriend the one the mean kids at school treated like outcasts. She was never afraid to say what was on her mind and she treated everyone as an equal.”
Again I shrugged. “People get so caught up in trying not to offend people, they pretend a disability isn’t there or walk on eggshells. I think ignoring it only makes it more obvious, so I never pretended not to notice. It was easier in school. Kids handle disabilities a lot better than adults who acquire them later in life because it’s all they know.”
I looked at CJ and found him staring out into the distance. We hadn’t talked about it in depth, but I knew he still struggled with accepting that part of him was missing. He was easily the strongest, most determined person I’d ever met, but no one walks away without emotional scars to match their physical ones. By time I met CJ, he’d already worked out most of his demons. Not in a very healthy way, though, in my opinion. His way of managing was to stuff everything down so deep it couldn’t touch him. By doing that, he’d made it impossible for him to feel at all.
A side effect of Rose’s plan to unlock those emotions was going to be having to finally face his demons directly. It meant the possibility of dark times, but if anyone could emerge from the darkness a better person, it would be CJ. And I’d be there by his side the entire time, if he let me.
Conversation turned to lighter topics but CJ remained lost in thought. Most people might leave someone alone who looked as far away as CJ did, but I wasn’t most people.
“Hey.” I nudged his shoulder with my hip after walking to his side of the table. “Wanna go for a walk?”
He nodded and stood from his seat. We walked side by side down the stone path that led to the far end of the garden-slash-backyard. Neither of us spoke, content to keep each other company while living in our own heads.
My mind wandered back to Doug and the rest of that first dinner.
“You might not be able to see, Doug, but I can,” I declared after he called me a bitch. He’d muttered it to himself, but it wasn’t nearly quiet enough for me to miss. “See?” Used that word on purpose, by the way. “You think being blind gives you a pass on the politeness? You are not exempt from social niceties just because you expect everyone to feel sorry for you or be too uncomfortable to call you out on being a dick. I, however, am not afraid to speak my mind and I would appreciate it if you’d quit acting like I’m a dog that shit in your shoe.”
“I never should have agreed to this blind date,” he mumbled.
“Is there a different kind of date than a blind one when you are literally blind?”
“You’re one to talk, you know,” he started in, sitting up a little straighter. “At least I have an excuse for my bitterness. What reason do you have for being such a bitch?”
I smirked,
though he couldn’t see it. Probably a good thing, because it likely would have pissed him off even more.
“I’m not being a bitch, Doug. I’m being honest. You just don’t like it.”
He scoffed. “You think you’re doing me a favor by being so blunt. Like you’re somehow better than everyone else for not handling me with kiddie gloves. I think you just get off on feeling superior.”
That stung a little, but not enough to intimidate me. I could see why he’d think that and I couldn’t fault him for it.
“Can I ask you something?”
He made a sound in his throat. “Like you’d hold back if I said no.”
“True,” I laughed. “So tell me, Doug. Were you an ass before you went blind, or is that an unpleasant side effect?”
His hands gripped the edge of the table, his fingers digging in so hard his knuckles turned white. I was digging myself deeper and deeper into a big ass hole. (As in, extra big hole, not a big asshole. Ew.) Once I started digging though, I never stopped till I reached bottom. I wasn’t a quitter.
“Be angry at the guy that mugged you, at the world, at God, at the universe, whatever. I’m not saying not to feel, but I highly recommend you not taking it out on everyone around you. You seem fairly intelligent, and despite not being able to see yourself in the mirror to do your hair or shave or make sure your clothes match, you’re very attractive. You’ve got a lot going for you. Winding up alone would be a shame.”
Doug smirked, and I wanted to pat myself on the back.
“You want my advice?”
“Not even a little bit,” he deadpanned.
“You’re the only one who can’t see past your blindness.”
“Really?” he said dryly.
“It’s too easy, man,” I teased. Blind jokes were fun. “Quit interrupting me. Anyway, don’t miss out on life because you’re too hung up on something beyond your control. Everyone feels disconnected and lost, even with a working set of eyes. We’re just wandering around, trying to figure out where the hell we belong and where to go next. Half the time we end up falling on our asses because we get so focused on trying to get to that finish line that we overlook the giant, gaping hole in the middle of the road leading us there. At least you have that little stick thing, so you wouldn’t miss it. So, see? You actually have a one-up on us.”
“You are so messed up,” Doug said on a laugh.
“Hey, don’t hate the messenger. I deliver the reality, I don’t create it. Sucks to find out you’re just like all the boring, seeing people of the world, though huh?”
“Thank you,” CJ said as we took a seat on the bench. The bench we’d sat on that first time.
“For what?”
He wrapped a strand of my hair around his finger. “For being you.”
The sentiment was so sweet and out of nowhere I was momentarily stunned. Then without thinking, I leaned up and pressed my lips to his. Though we touched each other with natural affection in private, we’d never been anything but a little flirty in front of others. If it bothered CJ, he didn’t show it. He returned my kiss with so much affection and passion, my body instantly went boneless. I melted against him, enjoying the way he smiled against my mouth when he had to hold me so I didn’t slide right off the bench.
We broke apart before things got too heated. He swung his arm over my shoulders and I snuggled into his side. The sun was setting and I sighed contentedly, wrapping my arms around CJ’s waist.
“Every time I watch the sun setting it makes me crave sorbet.”
CJ’s chest rumbled with low laughter. “You say the most ridiculous things sometimes.” He tugged on my hair and I smiled, tilting my head to look up at him.
“There’s something else I’m craving,” I purred as my fingernails lightly scraped up his jean-clad thigh.
He tensed then stood abruptly and clapped his hands. “Alright, we’re out!”
I yelped when CJ grabbed my hand and yanked me up, practically dragging me back down the path to the house. As we ran by everyone still sitting at the table, CJ called out, “Clean up after yourselves and don’t forget to lock up!”
A chorus of applause and cheering followed us all the way to the car. It might have been embarrassing if I hadn’t been too damn happy to care.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
BLAKE
“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.”
- Edgar Allan Poe
One more look in the mirror and I was satisfied. Somewhat.
Why was I feeling so damn anxious?
Things with CJ were great. Perfect, even. And maybe that’s what had me feeling so off kilter. It was like he’d completely changed overnight. No amount of reassurances from his friends and family were helping me feel any better about it, either. It didn’t matter that he was back to being his ‘old self’ if it was only temporary. I couldn’t help but fear that one day, it’d all flip. Something would send him back into hiding and he’d push me away. Would I be able to survive it? Would I be strong enough to keep fighting for him - for us - if that happened?
I’d never struggled with so much doubt and insecurity in my life. Then again, I’d never felt so deeply for someone as I did CJ. It changed everything. Smells were sweeter, colors were brighter, the air was fresher. Even in the moments where doubts plagued me, it didn’t lessen the impact of my feelings for CJ. Even when the fear of losing him gripped my throat so tight it hurt to breathe, it wasn’t enough to make me walk away. I knew, come hell or high water, I was in it for the long haul. So long as he’d have me, I’d be there.
The doorbell rang and I jumped out of my skin. No matter how many times I heard it, or even when I was expecting it to happen, the sound of a doorbell always scared the shit out of me.
I fluffed my hair with my hands before swinging the door open and striking a sexy pose.
“Hey, sexy. I’ve been-“
My words died on my tongue when I found it wasn’t CJ that had rang my doorbell. It was Dan, my ex. I gripped the sides of my silk robe and yanked them closed, but it was too late. His mouth was hanging open, his tongue wagging. He’d seen the bustier, stockings and garters I’d purchased specifically with CJ in mind.
“What are you doing here, Dan?” I asked impatiently.
“I came to see you,” he said before trying to pull me to him for a kiss.
My hands shot to his chest and I pushed him gently.
“Right, sorry. Let’s take this inside. Don’t want to give the neighbors a show.”
I pushed him harder when he tried to move past me and into my apartment. His face registered shock, confusion, then anger.
“You’re not wearing this for me, are you?”
Lord, give me strength not to flick my ex in the forehead for being such a dimwit.
“No, Dan. We broke up. I had no idea you were coming, and, again, what are you doing here?”
In all the months we’d dated, I’d never seen him so angry. His face got so red, I worried he was going to burst a blood vessel in his forehead or that he’d stroke out right on the spot.
“You said you didn’t want to do long distance. I foolishly thought that meant if I were closer, we could work things out. I’m here for a job interview. Your mom gave me your new address. I wanted to surprise you. I didn’t realize you were already spreading your legs for half the city.”
Oh, good grief.
I plastered on a patronizing smile and searched for the patience to deal with Dan quickly. He needed to be gone when CJ got home or he was going to kill the mood. Which, honestly, he sort of had anyway, but hopefully seeing CJ would be enough to get me back on track.
“I’m seeing someone, Dan. We broke up, I moved on. I never gave you any reason to think there was hope for us. I haven’t responded to any of your texts, calls or emails since I moved. Even if I had lead you on, we were never serious enough to warrant you uprooting your life to follow me to another state. That’s just ridiculous.”
Shit. Wrong thing to
say.
“Ridiculous? For fuck’s sake, Blake.” He ran his hand through his hair, tugging on the ends in frustration. Of all the time we’d spent together, I’d never seen Dan like this. His murderous glare didn’t match his expensive jeans, cashmere sweater and Rolex. Dan had been safe. Easy. Uncomplicated. That’s the reason I’d stayed with him as long as I had. He never pushed for more, never argued over what movie to watch or which restaurant to eat at. All traces of that laid back man I’d spent so many hours with was gone.
“I invested in you, in our future, for months, only to have you walk away. Do you know how humiliating that was? To be left behind like I meant nothing? Do you think I appreciate having my time wasted?”
Dan took a menacing step forward with each rhetorical question. I was too stunned to do anything other than back away. All my self-defense training eluded me in that moment, and every ounce of courage I had was replaced by fear. There was no doubt that Dan was going to strike out at me. The question was, would I be ready for it? Would I be able to protect myself?
Suddenly, with painful clarity, I realized what Michelle must have felt. Secretly, I’d always wondered how she could let someone hurt her like that. Why she didn’t stand up for herself. Sure, I was more physically capable of defending myself due to practice, but it never made sense to me that she just let it happen.
But now I got it. When your attacker wasn’t a random thug on the streets or someone you’d expect to be violent, it completely threw you off. When the person hurting you, or about to hurt you, was someone you knew and never thought was capable of physical violence, it made it difficult to react with a clear head.
“Everyone back home knows about this. Knows that I flew out here to see you. I can’t go back empty handed. I asked for your father’s permission to marry you, and he granted it. Now you want me to tell them all you rejected me? That you’re fucking some other guy already?”
He pulled a little black box out of his jacket pocket and clenched it in his fist. Seriously? He planned to propose? I’d never told him I loved him. Because I didn’t love him. Even before moving to New York, we hadn’t been serious enough to talk about marriage. If my dad really had giving him his blessing I was going to kick his ass.