HE GREAT AMERICAN WESTERN
by Bruce Guelden
Copyright © 2015 Bruce Guelden
All rights reserved.
Ebook formatting by www.ebooklaunch.com
Table of Contents
Characters:
ACT I SCENE I
Act I Scene II
Act I Scene III
Act I Scene IV
ACT II SCENE I
ACT II SCENE II
ACT II SCENE III
Contact the author:
Characters:
Lone Ranger…………All American Hero (clueless)
Tonto ………………..Trusted sidekick
Sioux (Sue) ………….Gold digger (...and she's hot)
Little Fester …………10 year-old boy (orphaned and crippled)
Carrie Nation ……….Ax-wielding temperance advocate
J. Edgar Hoover …….Federal Agent
Mayor Joe Carboni …Political Hack
Maggie ……………..Likes to blow-up things
Garmaine …………..Works part-time at Dairy Queen
Narrator ……………Straight man
ACT I SCENE I
(Set: Main Street, Dirtwater, Texas. On the left is the sheriff's office. On the right is the Redeye Saloon. There is a hitching post in front of the saloon. Lights up slowly as the "Sound of Music" begins playing. Suddenly Carrie Nation and her three followers burst into the theater from a back door. The girls are carrying signs protesting alcohol. They march through the theater, harassing the audience, then onto the stage).
CARRIE NATION
All right, all right! Somebody shut the music off! (to sound booth) I said kill the music!! Wrong play, moron! (music stops) Cheap, low budget outfit anyway! O.K. girls, everyone have their signs? Maggie, where did you learn to spell anyway?
MAGGIE
What? (Maggie carries sign: "Down with Boos")
CARRIE
Oh, never mind. Now listen here. Up 'til now we've been pretty soft on these booze hounds and it ain't done us no good. So the way I figure it, maybe we better start bustin' some heads around here to get our point across.
GARMINE
Yeah, just like ya done to the sheriff.
CARRIE
That's right. So I figure today's the day we march on into the Redeye Saloon and commence to breakin' some bottles and some heads.
SIOUX
Oh boy, maybe we could smash the piano!
GARMINE
Or even set the whole place on fire!
MAGGIE
Hey. I know where we can get some dynamite then we could blow...
CARRIE
Now, now girls, sounds like fun but let's not get carried away. We do have an image to maintain. O.K., everyone ready? A one and a two and a...
(all four women break into song)
TEMPERANCE SONG ("Hey Look Me Over")
Hey whiskey drinker, lay off the booze
Hey whiskey drinker, you're only gonna lose.
Put down your glasses, it's up against the wall.
You're cruising' for a bruising' by abusing' alcohol...so all ya...
Hey whiskey drinkers, drinking's just vice,
No matter how you take it, straight up or over ice...so
Put down your glass, you better pass, your drinking days are through...
Whiskey drinkers we'll get you!
(song starts on stage then the women disappear into the Redeye Saloon. Sounds of bottles breaking; cowboys shouting—running out of bar and off stage. Finally women exit bar onto stage.)
(enter Mayor Joe Carboni and Fester. Fester is a ten-year-old boy on crutches—left leg heavily bandaged.)
CARRIE
(sarcastically) How ya doing Mayor? Been in any parades lately? Well, maybe you should join ours. Come on girls, let's get outta here. We've got better things to do.
(Exit women.)
MAYOR
What am I gonna do, Fester? Those women have been like a spur under my saddle ever since they come up with this Temperance Business. My popularity around town ain't been so good lately. Say, they're not voters are they? This is an election year ya know.
FESTER
Gee, I don't think so Mr. Mayor. They're women aren't they?
MAYOR
Sometimes I wonder my boy. Sometimes I wonder. Hey Fester, why don't you just call me Joe. You're almost like my own son ya know.
FESTER
O.K....Joe.
MAYOR
There ya go. (ruffles his hair) Say, how's that leg of yours doing?
FESTER
It's comin' long pretty good Mr. May... I mean... Joe. That last operation finally gave me some feeling in my toes. Doc says a couple more times under the knife and I won't need these here crutches no more.
MAYOR
Couple more times huh? (thinks to himself)
FESTER
Yeah, then the Doc says I'll be good as new. Ya think there's enough money for two more operations?
MAYOR
(still thinking) Two more operations ya say.... Hmmmm.... Why sure Fester, sure. Hey, don't worry kid. When your folks passed away they left ya plenty of money, and I stuck most of it in high-risk home loans. Why shoot, there's probably enough money now for twenty more operations if that's what it takes.
FESTER
(excited) And enough so I can go to school?
MAYOR
Sure, kid, any school you want.
FESTER
Even bartending school?
MAYOR
(chuckling) Bartending school? Why sure, Fester, any school you want. Say...ah...listen, I gotta fill out some more of them government papers, so why don't you do me a favor and mosey on down to the sheriff's office and see if he....
FESTER
But Joe... (talking over Mayor)
MAYOR
....can do anything about these uppity women. Them town fathers been puttin' a lot of pressure on me lately.
FESTER
But that's what I been trying' to tell you Mr. Mayor... I mean Joe. We ain't got no sheriff.
MAYOR
(startled) No sheriff!? What do ya mean no sheriff?
FESTER
Well, yesterday I saw him talkin' to that there Miss Nation gal 'bout all this protestin' business, but before he could get a word in edgewise, she went and conked him on the head somethin' fierce. Next thing ya know, I see him saddling' up his horse, backwards, and high-tailing out of town, yellin' "giddy-up" to its rear end. (giggles)
MAYOR
Oh that's just great. Now what are we gonna do? O.K., Fester, tell ya what. Run on down to the telegraph office and send out a notice to all the newspapers advertising for a new sheriff. Oh, and Fester, put in something about health insurance. Everyone loves government health insurance these days.
FESTER
O.K. Mr. Mayor.
MAYOR
Fester?
FESTER
I mean...Joe (exit Fester).
MAYOR
Thatta boy.
(Starts to exit, hears women chanting offstage, decides to exit into saloon).
Bartender, Bartender! Set 'em up!
(Black out)
Act I Scene II
(black out. Spot lights pan audience. "William Tell Overture"... Music down, Announcer: "A fiery horse with the speed of light, a cloud of dust, and a hearty: Hi Ho Silver! It's the Lone Ranger"...
Music up, then down. "This is the legend of the Lone Ranger, along with his faithful Indian companion Tonto, as they led the fight for justice throughout the American West. Return with us now to thos
e thrilling days of yesteryear as the Lone Ranger rides again!")
(a single spotlight sets on a side entrance to the theater. Music fades. A voice is heard outside theater: "Whoooooaaa, Big Fella!" Enter Lone Ranger and Tonto.)
(Enter Lone Ranger, with Tonto pushing a shopping cart. It is filled with aluminum cans, plastic water bottles. The Lone Ranger is dressed like a homeless person except for a white hat and the mask. They beg: "Spare change?, aluminum cans?" from audience as they push shopping cart toward the stage. Finally...)
LONE RANGER
Are you sure this is the right place, Tonto? Everything looks so dark and depressing.
TONTO
This right place Kemo Sabe.
LONE RANGER
What time did that letter say Tonto?
TONTO
Letter say ten-thirty, Kemo Sabe.
LONE RANGER
I hope we're not late. You know how I hate to be late.
TONTO
Come, Kemo Sabe. Over here.
(lights up on stage. Set: State Unemployment Office. Three people wait in line to talk with the State Worker. Lone Ranger and Tonto enter stage and get in line.)
EXTRA 1 (Biker)
I sure hate coming here. They act like it's their own money they're giving away.
EXTRA 2 (Hard Hat)
Hey, you think you got it bad. They made me come in today just 'cause my horse took lame. They want to know how I can look for a job with a lame horse. Don't that beat all.
LONE RANGER
You know, Tonto, this reminds me of something my mother once said. She said, "Give a man a fish and he eats for one day; but if you teach him how to fish, he eats for life."
EXTRA 1 (Biker)
(wait 2 beats)....You’re not from these parts are you?
STATE WORKER
Ten-thirty!... Diez y media!...Ten-thirty?!
TONTO
Come Kemo Sabe. That us.
L.R.
No, Tonto. My mother always taught me never to cut in front of lines.
TONTO
Come! (Tonto pushes Ranger to front of line)
SATE WORKER
Are you ten-thirty? (looks up at L.R., startled by his mask) Oh my goodness! Please don't shoot! Here, have some food stamps! How 'bout free dental? Do you need childcare? Just don't shoot, please!
L.R.
Ma'am, I'm afraid you don't understand. We have an appointment for ten-thirty.
STATE WORKER
But that mask?
L.R.
(facing audience to make his point, hands on hips, steps forward, spot lite) Although I wear this mask, I always ride on the right side of truth and justice. (Steps back into line)
STATE WORKER
(puzzled) Yes...well...ah...that's fine. May I see your booklet, please?
L.R.
Here you are. (handing her a bullet)
STATE WORKER
What is this?
L.R.
(proudly) 100% sterling silver.
TONTO
No, no. Not your bullet. Your booklet. Booklet.
L.R.
Booklet? I don't think I have a booklet...Tonto?
TONTO
Just letter Kemo Sabe.
STATE WORKER
Let me see that.
EXTRA 3 (Nun)
Could ya hurry it up? I got cramps.
STATE WORKER
Mr. Ranger, I'm not entirely certain your claim is valid at this time, but let me ask you this one simple question: In-the-twelve-month-period-starting-April-first-last-year-and-proceeding-forward-until-March-thirty-first-of-this-year, have-your-earnings-been-over-five-hundred-dollars-for-any-one-quarter-and/or-in-excess-of-seven-hundred-and-fifty-dollars-for-your-entire-previously-mentioned-benefit-year?
L.R.
What?...Well...I don't think so. You see rarely do I accept money. (proudly)
STATE WORKER
Oh, good! Sorry. Next!
L.R.
Wait! You don't understand! I need employment. I want a job.
STATE WORKER
A job? You want a job? Mr. Ranger, I want you to understand something. This country is in the middle of a recession. I can't be expected to waste my time finding jobs for people. If I gave a job to everyone that came in here, what possible good would that do me? Pretty soon I wouldn't have a job and I happen to like my job. (to audience, smiling) I work for the government.
TONTO
Tonto figure that.
STATE WORKER
Now, if you're just looking for work, why don't you look in the newspaper like everyone else, Dummy. Next! (gestures to next person in line)
(Tonto and Lone Ranger move to stage front)
L.R.
Tonto, that woman's got all the charm of a rattlesnake. However, she did say something that might provide us with a means of attaining employment. (Tonto pulls out newspaper) She said to look in the newspapers like everyone else. Now what could she have meant by....
TONTO
(reading newspaper) Kemo Sabe, look here.
L.R.
(taking paper from Tonto) Wow! I don't believe it! This is perfect! "Wanted: 40 year old divorcee seeks fun-loving cowboy. 30 bucks an hour."
TONTO
(disgusted look from Tonto) No Kemo Sabe. Here. (points)
L.R.
Oh..."Wanted: Sheriff; Free room and board....also burial site. See Mayor Joe Carboni at WWW Dirt-water dot com" (excited) By golly Tonto, this is perfect. I'm gonna get this job and turn this recession around. And with my first paycheck I'm gonna go out and buy me some good old, Made-in-America, durable goods. Tonto, it looks like we're going to Dirtwater. We've got a job to do!
Song: Dirtwater, Dirtwater (New York, New York)
(choreography: a la Rockettes)
(as the song progresses, the Lone Ranger's clothes are changed by the cast on stage from homeless attire to his powder blue outfit, white hat, and guns)
L.R., TONTO
Start spreading the news
We're leaving today
(Cast joins in) I want to be a part of it
Dirtwater, Dirtwater.
These vagabond shoes,
are longing to stray;
right through the very heart of it,
Dirtwater, Dirtwater.
I want to wake up in the city
that doesn't sleep
And find I'm king of the hill
top of the heap.
These little town blues
are melting away,
I'll make a brand new start of it
in old Dirt-water.
If I can make it there,
I'll make it anywhere,
It's up to you,
Dirtwater, Dirtwater.
(repeat chorus)
(blackout. Music...Announcer: "The Masked Man and Tonto departed the Unemployment Office with a new sense of direction. The prospects of a job and also the knowledge that they would be off on a new adventure were the driving forces that moved them onward. Later that day they headed for Texas. Their mood was upbeat and positive as they rode along across the great American Desert. On the fourth day, however, as they descended a high plateau preparing for the final stretch into Dirtwater, an otherwise uneventful journey was interrupted by a curious stranger — a stranger who would affect the lives of the citizens of Dirtwater for many years to come.")
Act I Scene III
(Enter Lone Ranger and Tonto who are riding "stick" horses. They ride in place for a while, looking bored)
TONTO
(finally) Kemo Sabe? Me think maybe we stop and let horses eat.
L.R.
Oh I don't think that's necessary. Why would we do something like that?
TONTO
(looking behind him at "stick" horse) It just a thought.
L.R.
Well, think what you want. I know old Silver here is good for another couple of days. (Silver rears-up in protest) You see? He's as feisty as ever.
TONTO
>
(giving up on getting through to this moron) Yes, Kemo Sabe.
L.R.
Ya know, Tonto, I think I feel a song comin' on.
TONTO
Again?
L.R.
(to audience) This has always been one of my favorites and I hope some day it will be one of yours as well. It's a simple little number, and it goes something like this:
Song: Don't Fence Me In
(song lyrics printed on back of program)
L.R. and TONTO
Oh give me land lots of land
under starry skies above,
Don't fence me in.
Let me ride through the wide
open country that I love,
Don't fence me in.
Let me be by myself in the evenin' breeze
Listen to the murmur of the cottonwood trees
Send me off forever, but I ask you please
Don't fence me in.
Just turn me loose
Let me straddle my old saddle
underneath the western sky,
On my Cayuse, let me wander over yonder
till I see the mountain rise.
I want to ride to the ridge
Where the West commences
Gaze at the moon 'til I lose my senses
Can't look at hobbles and I can't
stand fences.
Don't fence me in.
L.R.
(cheerily) Now that wasn't so bad was it?
TONTO
Maybe next time you sing on key.
(cold stare from L.R. as he "rides" a few feet in front of Tonto)
But Tonto did like song.
(L.R. smiles and eases back to once again ride with Tonto.)
L.R.
Ya know, Tonto, I think I once passed through this town of Dirtwater, oh about ten years ago.
TONTO
They got Karaoke there?
L.R.
I don't think so. If I recall it's a fairly civilized town.
Tonto:
That Karaoke — it bad medicine. (sour face)
L.R.
I think you're right again, good buddy. (pause) Ya know, Tonto, I do believe I hear nature calling.
TONTO
You go ahead. Me ride on.
L.R.
I just gotta' drain the old water trough. I'll catch up soon. (pulls horse back and exits) (Tonto continues "riding" in place)
HOOVER
Hey you! Hey you over there! Pull up! Pull up I say!
(enter Hoover carrying carpet bag)
TONTO
Whoa! Whoa Scout.
HOOVER
Alright fella, let me see the registration on that horse.
TONTO
This open territory. No need paper.
HOOVER
I'm afraid you're mistaken my friend. You just crossed the border into Texas and that's where I come in - Federal Agent. (shows badge) What's your destination?
TONTO
Me go Dirtwater.
HOOVER
Isn't that the town that's got that Mayor Carboni?
TONTO
That right. Joe Carboni, Mayor.
HOOVER
And what's your name?
TONTO
Me name Tonto.
HOOVER
Is that so? Well, my name's Hoover, F.B.I.
TONTO
What you got in bag? Vacuum cleaner? (starts laughing to himself)
HOOVER
(not amused) That's funny redskin, real funny. Say, I've heard of you...yeah, you and that masked man. Some of the boys back at the office were talking about you two. They say you ride your horses awfully close together. I've even heard that sometimes you two ride the same horse.
L.R.
(enter L.R., pulls gun, taps Hoover on shoulder,) Go ahead. Make my day.
HOOVER
(Startled) The Masked Man!!! (Nervous) Hey, I didn't mean nothin' by it. Honest. I was just horsing around.
TONTO
You like "horse around"? (smiling)
HOOVER
Well, sure...Sometimes...I mean no....No I never horse around...(regains composure) O.K. you two get moving. Get outta here or I'll ticket you for blocking a roadway....C'mon. Move it! (exits offstage)
TONTO
Yes, sir... have nice day.
(Blackout. Music...Announcer: "As our travelers continued on across the Texas plains, the Masked Man sat back and quietly pondered this latest encounter. Exactly who was this Federal agent and what possible business could he have in Dirtwater. The Masked Man had dealt with the Feds before, but this Hoover fellow was a different breed. Even this town of Dirtwater left our hero somewhat unsettled. What exactly had happened to the previous sheriff and would his own job interview be tarnished by a slightly embellished resume?" Music..."In a few short hours they finally arrived at their destination. Ignoring a mild case of saddle rash, our two weary travelers set off to find the mayor of this rustic little town called
The Great American Western (The Lost Episode), A Musical Comedy Page 1