by V. Darling
I grab my coat and stand, leaning over to kiss his forehead. He turns his face up and I peck him on the lips out of habit more than anything. His eyes widen, and I see the moment his heart cracks in two. These are familiar and dangerous waters for us. I suppose it will take some time for Nav and me to be us without actually being a couple anymore.
I give him a weary smile and head for the door.
“Scout?”
“Yeah?”
“You’ve changed. You’re not the same girl I fell in love with.”
“No, I’m really not.”
“For what it’s worth, I like this Scout Taylor better. I’m a little jealous I didn’t get to be with her.”
“Take a number, Fox.” I wink and stroll from the room with a smile on my face. His chuckle follows me down the hall and into the elevator.
When I exit the hospital into a chilly winter dusk, Lev is leaning up against the side of a town car parked in the emergency vehicle zone. My smile vanishes completely. I stop several feet from him, afraid if I come any closer, I’ll throw myself into his arms and beg for mercy.
“I thought you’d be long gone by now.”
“Hard to be long gone when I was waiting for you.”
“Why?”
“Because we need to talk. Wanna take a walk with me?”
I glance around the busy street. “A walk? You disappear for two months and you want to take a walk?”
“Please?”
I frown. I may need my hearing checked but that sounded a lot like Lev Fox begging. Lev Fox begs for no one. His standards are as high as my own. Or they were. I don’t know this man standing in front of me. He’s a different Lev than the one I fell in hate with.
“You gonna make me beg, Cub?”
I wince at the nickname and close my eyes, willing my tears away. It doesn’t work, and they slip out anyway. The driver climbs out of the Bentley, but Lev opens the door before the older man can reach the lever.
I frown. “You have a driver now?”
“I hate driving in New York. Trust me, far less homicides are happening in this city thanks to Clive.”
“You’re too kind, sir.” Clive tips his hat, but there’s something about the way the corners of his mouth tip up that makes me think he loves ribbing his employer.
Lev holds his hand out to me, and I step back as if it might burn.
“Please, Scout. Just a walk, and Clive will drive you home.”
I stare at his outstretched hand for a beat longer. I move closer, but I don’t dare touch him. I don’t want to. I can’t trust myself around Lev, and I can’t trust my heart.
He retracts his hand and steps aside to let me climb into the vehicle. It’s a typical town car, with nothing to report other than luxury, comfort, and clean sleek lines. There’s nothing luxurious or comfortable about sitting beside Lev though. I feel as if every fiber in my body is on fire. I’m screaming on the inside, but outwardly, I suppose I look as perfect as ever.
We don’t say much on the drive. I don’t know what to say. Is he hurting as much as I am just by being this close? He’s so calm, so ... robotic. Does seeing me not affect him at all?
Ten minutes later, Clive pulls up to the corner of 5th and 65th street. Central Park, or more specifically, the entrance to the Central Park Zoo. I take a deep breath. I’ve always loved Central Park in fall, but it’s even more beautiful in the winter. Snow blankets the ground and hangs on the limbs of the trees like heavy fleece. It’s freezing out, but everything has been numb since Lev walked away, so what’s a little more ice when it comes to my black, cold heart?
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Lev
I press my hand to the small of her back as we stare at the snow leopard’s enclosure blanketed by white powder. “Beautiful, isn’t it?”
“She’s always been my favorite.”
“I know.” I let out a heavy breath and a thick cloud of fog fills the air between us. “I come every day. Sometimes more than once.”
“Why?”
I shrug. “I remember how much you loved it here when we were kids, and that you’ve spent every one of your birthdays here since you were seven years old.”
If she’s surprised by my admission, she doesn’t let on. Instead, her face shuts down into the ice-cold Cub I know and love. “So, you’ve really been this close this whole time? We’ve been worried sick every second you’ve been gone ...” Her voice breaks on the words and she clears her throat, takes a deep breath, and hurries on before I can respond. “And not once did you think to pick up the phone?”
“It was easier this way.”
“For whom?” she shouts and glances at a couple and their toddler braving the cold. The parents throw awkward stares our way. “For you? Because it sure wasn’t easy for me, or Saint, or King, or any one of us.”
“I couldn’t call you.”
“Why?”
“Because I wouldn’t have been able to stay away.” I scrub a hand over my stubble and glance at the ground. When my eyes meet hers again, I’m sure she sees my plea. Don’t push me further. “I needed a clean break.”
“What about what I needed? I was broken, Lev. You ruined me, that tape ruined me, and you didn’t even care enough to stick around.”
“You had The Royals. I made Justin go away, didn’t I?”
“I didn’t have you! I needed you!” Tears spill from her lashes and she closes her eyes. “I had Saint, and I had my friends, but I didn’t have the man I love because he left me the moment my life fell apart.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you?” She frowns, exasperated. “Does it change anything?”
I don’t answer. I just hold her gaze, wishing I could go back in time to avoid hurting her this way.
“You’re not ever coming home, are you?”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because nothing has changed. We can’t be together, Scout.”
“Scout? I’m not Cub anymore?”
“You hated that nickname.”
“Things change.”
“And some things don’t.” I rake a hand through my hair, exasperated, angry, hurt, and sorry, so fucking sorry I ever touched her. “I’m not the guy you need.”
“So what? You’re the guy I want. I love you, despite everything, despite knowing I shouldn’t. I love you. I’d give my last breath for you. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
“Go home, Scout. Nav will be home soon. He’ll be right next door, and he’ll need you more than ever.”
“I don’t want Nav. I want you.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t want you.”
I shake my head. “I don’t believe you.”
“Ah, Cub, you always were a narcissist. Look, we had something, but it’s just too much like hard work, you know? You’re young, and I’m—”
“An asshole. Don’t you dare patronize me. You took everything, all my firsts, all my heart, and you walked away. You don’t mean any of this. I can see it in your damn eyes.”
“And you deserve better, so I’m giving you that. Go home. Date the quarterback. Date the whole fucking school if you want to, just forget about me.”
“I hate you. I wish I’d never fucking met you,” she snaps, her tears flowing freely down her face. “You’re a coward, Lev Fox.”
I smile, because she’s right, because even now, even when she hates me so much her heart is ripping in two, she loves me. I can live through months and years without her. I can bear seeing her with my brother again. I can take it so long as I know this one simple fact. For a brief moment in time, Scout Taylor was mine. She loved me, even when she hated me.
CHAPTER THIRTY
Lev
Christmas night I sit in my bathtub, the lights out, the water scolding and the cold, winter light of the lamps in Central Park reflecting off the snow. I swig whiskey from the bottle without feeling the burn. The blunt in my hands slowly burns away to ash, just like my heart, once lit with fire, wi
th passion, love, and hate for Scout, now reduced to nothing but dust.
I feel like shit. Probably look it too. Five days ago, I told her I didn’t want her. I set her fucking free, so why do I feel like I just locked myself in a damn cage?
I still love her. I never stopped, and I’m a fucking idiot. I’ve never been selfless. I’ve never wanted to do the right thing until now, but I don’t even know right from wrong anymore, because this wound? This division I caused between us? It’s fucking torture.
No. I’ve never been selfless. I still don’t know how to be, because I know with one hundred percent certainty, that I did the wrong thing that day at the zoo. Letting her walk away, watching her get in the car with Clive was absolutely the wrong thing to do, and I can’t take it back.
I can’t do shit about it. For the first time in my life I don’t want to be the asshole. I don’t want to hurt her, wound her, because hurting her now destroys me. Every second she isn’t in my arms? It ruins me.
For years, I tormented her. I taunted her with my vicious tongue, and paraded girls in front of her. Hell, I fucked other girls right in front of her. I didn’t think I’d ever see Scout Taylor break, but I did when I told her I wasn’t coming home, and now I feel as bitter and hollow as she does. I know she feels this pain because we’re the same, and there’s no coming back from this. There will be no forgiveness for me, and that’s exactly what I deserve—to hurt the way I’ve hurt her.
I climb out of the bath, wrap a towel around my waist, and head to the bar in the living room for another drink. Someone knocks on my apartment door.
I frown. It’s probably my cougar neighbor, Kennedy, hoping my defenses are lowered by too much alcohol and stuffing. The knock comes again, and I sigh and open it.
“I don’t know how many times I’ve told you, Kennedy, I’m not intere—” I open the door and take in the short trench coat, the patent leather heels, and hint of thigh-highs. Her lips are painted Scarsdale red, glossy and so fucking kissable. I growl appreciatively, and my dick grows hard. “You’re not Kennedy.”
“Like my parents would name me something that pathetic.” Her gaze rolls over me, hungrily, predatorily. She pushes me back and I stumble, caught off guard as she enters my apartment and closes the door behind her. “Sorry to disappoint.”
“What are you doing here, Cub?”
“You didn’t come to Christmas lunch.”
“I told you I wasn’t ever coming back.”
She pouts. “Well, I didn’t have a chance to give you a present.”
“How did you find me?” My brows furrow. “How did you get past the doorman?”
“Clive told me where to find you when he dropped me home last week. And as for how I got past your doorman, I’m hot, young, and female ... duh,” she answers with a bored expression as she steps around me and inspects my apartment. My lips quirk. Scout heads to the window and looks out over the lights of Central Park. “You haven’t offered me a drink.”
“Because you’re underage.”
She looks over her shoulder at me, a brazen smile on her face. “So are you.”
“You’re not staying.”
She unfastens the ties at her waist and slips her jacket from her bare shoulders. She’s wearing nothing but a lacy thong and those sexy AF thigh-highs underneath, and she discards her jacket to the overpriced parquetry floors.
“Are you really going to kick me out in the cold? And on Christmas? Before I’ve even given you your present?”
She turns around, her perky tits and rosy nipples greeting me. I walk toward her, my cock straining against the soft towel.
Her gaze lowers to the obvious fucking evidence of my arousal and her hungry little eyes roll up my body to my face. Her smile is devious. “That’s what I thought.”
“You shouldn’t be here, Cub.”
She steps closer, within reaching distance, but I don’t dare move a muscle as she enters my personal space and presses her body against mine. Her soft tits rub my abdomen, her flat stomach soft and warm against my dick.
I wet my lips, longing for just one taste. “This doesn’t change anything.”
The smallest of creases forms between her brow as she searches my gaze, and I can tell she’s trying hard not to let it show how much that stings.
“If I touch you, it’s one time, for this one night, and you go home in the morning.”
“You’re already touching me,” she says, lowering her gaze to the grip I have on her upper arm.
Fuck. I wasn’t even aware I had a hold of her.
“I mean it, Scout. This changes nothing between us.”
“You think I want you back? This is just sex, Lev. It’s what we do, remember? No feelings, no love. Only hate, only desire, only sex.”
“You never hated me,” I whisper, tracing the outline of her collarbone. It’s covered in a fine gold shimmer, like that stuff she puts on her cheeks that you only see when the light hits her just right. I rub my index and forefinger together, staring at the gold dust.
She’s like my own little Christmas fairy, spreading hope around my apartment, around my heart. I don’t know if Tink realizes she’s entered the enemy’s lair, and I’m as unmovable as Captain Motherfucking Hook.
“And you never hated me,” she says. She’s right about that. I’ve never been capable of hating her.
“Hate is too strong a word for how I feel about you.”
Again, she flinches, but it’s hidden as soon as she shows her hand. “Nice to see you’re still consistent.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’re still a liar.”
“And you’re still a pain in my ass.” I bring my hand down on the exposed globe of her cheek. The loud thwack rings through the room and she flinches, her back bows, and her tits press against my hard chest. Her crafty hands slip into the waistband of my towel and it falls to the floor. I bunch her panties in my fist and yank them off, ripping the delicate fabric and discarding it. Then I lift her and walk us toward the window. She gasps when her back touches the cold glass, but I pin her there, my naughty little fairy, and show her just how much I’ve missed her.
AFTER ANOTHER HOT AND heavy session in the tub, we lie in bed, staring at the snow flurries as they melt against the windows. Cub is tucked in my arms, her head resting on my shoulder, her face and body turned away from me. My front is pressed firmly against her back, and one of my long legs is wrapped over her thighs possessively.
We don’t speak, because there’s nothing to say. I think we both know words would only ruin this perfect moment. I want to tell her that I was a giant motherfucking dick for leaving, for pushing her away, for thinking I could keep my distance.
I can’t stay away.
I know that now. Fuck! I knew it when I broke her heart in her bedroom, and again at the zoo. I’m not a good person. I’m not even a halfway decent human being. To put it bluntly, I’m a fucking cunt. A dumb fucking cunt, apparently, but I’m not so dumb I can’t admit when I’m wrong.
“Cub?” I whisper, pressing a kiss to her neck. She groans. “Wake up.”
“No,” she mummers in a sleepy voice. “My vagina is broken, and I’m not letting you do anal again.”
I chuckle. “You will let me do anal again—trust me on that. One day you’ll be begging me for it.”
She makes a pffting sound and snuggles deeper into my sheets.
“We need to talk, Cub.”
“Talk later. Sleep now.”
“You know you’re cute when you’re worn out. Maybe I’ll just make you come again and—”
She shoves at my head as I move down her body. “Sleep, my dirty prince.”
“I love you.” I shake my head, as if one four-letter word could possibly define everything I feel. “I was an idiot. I don’t want to do this. I can’t do this without you.”
“Mmm,” she mumbles.
I chuckle. “Fine, we’ll talk in the morning, but then I’m gonna make you come. Night, Cub,” I wh
isper into her hair. She doesn’t reply. Her deep steady breaths fill the room and I know she hasn’t heard a word I said.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Scout
I thought I’d be okay. I thought I’d be strong enough to leave him, but I’m not. I can’t reconcile the Lev of the last twenty-four hours with the one who hurt me, who punished me by moving away when I needed him the most.
I shouldn’t have gone there last night, but I missed him. I missed him so much it hurt, and when he wasn’t there on Christmas, I thought I’d die of a broken heart.
I don’t know how I made it home in one piece, but I sit in the driveway for a long time, gripping the steering wheel like a lifeline, unable to stop my tears. Eventually, the passenger-side door opens, and I suck in a sharp breath when Saint slides in and pulls me into his arms.
“I don’t have to ask where you’ve been because no one ever makes you look that way but Lev.”
“Did you know he was living in New York?”
“Yeah, I knew.”
“God, did everyone but me know? Why did you lie? Why didn’t you tell me where he was?”
“Because he asked me not to.”
“You’re my brother; you’re supposed to have my back.”
“Lying to you wasn’t easy, Peaches. He’s my best friend but you’re my blood. I’m always gonna choose you first.”
“But you didn’t. You kept his secret.”
“You stupid, gorgeous girl.” Saint chucks my chin. “I kept his secret because I knew it was the best thing for you.”
“How is being without him the best thing for me?”
Saint sighs and takes my face in his hands. “Because being with him makes you feel like this.”
“I feel this way because I left him this morning.”
He swipes my tears with his thumb and gives me a sad smile. “I can’t tell you what to do here. I wish I could. I wish I’d been able to protect you from everything that’s happened so far. Maybe I should have beat the shit out of him when I first found out.”
“You didn’t?”
“No. I punched him once and let him walk away.”