by Jo Leigh
“Me, no. What would I have to worry about?”
“The fact that your entire life is about to change, perhaps?”
“Oh, that.”
“Yeah. So you want to talk about it?”
He thought about lying to her, but that was only his pride speaking. “I am worried,” he said.
“Oh.” Jessica’s gaze went from his eyes down to the table.
“Not about you,” he said, reaching his hand over to hers. “About me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve never been a father before. It’s worrisome.”
Her gaze moved back up. “I’ve never been a mother, either.”
“You? You’ll be perfect. Of all the people in the world I’d want to have my child, you’re the one.”
Again, her gaze skittered away. Evidently he’d said the wrong thing. “Jessica?”
“Hmm?” She stood up to put the cake back in the refrigerator.
“I mean it. I’m not just saying words. I really can’t imagine a better mother.”
“Thank you, Nick. I know you mean it, and I appreciate it.”
But something was still wrong. She wouldn’t look at him. He stood and moved over to where she was leaning against the counter. He captured her hand, and when that wasn’t enough, he reached under her chin and lifted her face until she met his gaze. “What is it, cara? What did I say that made you unhappy?”
“Nothing.”
“You must be forgetting who you’re talking to. You can’t lie to me, Jessica. I’ll always know if you are.”
She sighed. “I really do appreciate what you said. It’s just that...”
“Yes?”
“God, it sounds so selfish.”
He chuckled. “That’s something I understand, too.”
“It’s just that through all of this, you’ve never once said you loved me.”
“I...I...”
She broke free from his grasp and ran out of the kitchen. He stood there, knowing he’d just hurt someone he cared about very much. But did he love her?
Chapter Thirteen
Jessica sat on the edge of the bathtub and pulled her kimono tightly around her. All she wanted was for Nick to leave. What made it worse was that it was her own damn fault. If she hadn’t asked the question, he wouldn’t have given her his answer. Knowing for sure that he didn’t love her was infinitely worse than pretending he did. She should have just kept her mouth shut.
All her illusions about her future came crashing in—that this child was born of love, that Nick would have married her, anyway, that they had a chance in hell of being happy. It seemed ludicrous that she’d even had those thoughts. They were all based on some idealistic notions she should have abandoned years ago. Funny thing, but for once in her life she agreed with Mona. Love was a fantasy, a fairy tale. It was a panacea for the weak.
His knock on the door made her jump.
“Jessica?”
She didn’t want to talk to him. Not when she was feeling this vulnerable. God, when they’d made love she could have sworn... But that was a fairy tale, too. Not on her part, unfortunately. The tragedy of this was that she loved him. She didn’t want to, but that didn’t seem to matter much. She had fallen in love with Nick about ten minutes after they’d met. And now look at her.
He was going to marry her, but only because of the child. Why not? What did he have to lose? He would still have his life; hell, he’d barely be around. She was the one who’d be stuck in a loveless marriage, with all the time in the world to have her regrets.
“Jessica, please. Let me in. Let me explain.”
“There’s nothing to explain, Nick.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know. Don’t worry about it. I’m fine.”
“If you were fine, you’d be out here.”
“I just want to take a bath.”
“Open the door, Jessica. Please.”
She couldn’t avoid him forever, even though that’s what she wanted. It took all her strength to stand, to walk to the door and open it.
“Thank you,” he said softly.
“For what?”
“For giving me a chance to make amends.”
“There’s no need. Honestly.”
“But there is. We’re in a strange circumstance, Jessica. And we need to talk about it.”
She couldn’t look at him. If she did, she was going to cry, and that was simply not acceptable. “It’s late. Can’t we talk about it tomorrow?”
“No. Now. Come with me,” he said, reaching for her hand.
She moved away. “I can’t do this now. I don’t feel well.”
“Jessica, I do love you.”
Her head snapped up. “Don’t. Don’t go there. I’m warning you, Nick, if you start lying to me I’ll never forgive you.”
“It’s not a lie.”
“Bull. You’re only saying you love me so I’ll go through with the wedding. Well, I have a news flash for you. I’m not going to marry you. I won’t deny you access to the baby, but dammit, I’m not walking into a marriage that’s based on nothing. I won’t do that.”
“Cara—”
“Don’t call me that!”
“Jessica, please. I was stupid, that’s all. I do love you, you have to believe me.”
She studied his eyes. She tried to find the lie there, but all she saw was concern. If he loved her, though, he would have said so when she asked. This was all too little, too late. “I really want to take my bath now.”
“Don’t. Don’t close this door, Jessica.”
“I have to.”
“No, you don’t. You can come and sit with me. Talk with me. Don’t dismiss me because I was caught off guard. It’s not fair.”
“Fair? Since when does fairness have anything to do with it?”
“All right. I’ll grant you that. Let’s look at it logically, then. It doesn’t make sense for us to ignore this. You’re the one who’s always talking about looking at issues from all angles. That’s all I’m asking for. Give me a chance to show you the angles.”
“What angles could there be? You either love me or you don’t. There’s no half way.”
“No? You’re an expert on love, are you? You know all the ways a person can be in love?”
“I suppose you might love me the way you love a hot fudge sundae, but frankly, that doesn’t cut it.”
“You’re impossible. These ormones of yours make you think like a...like a...”
“Female?”
“Exactly.”
“Well, pardon my lack of a y chromosome.”
“Mi stai facendo impazzire!”
“I have no idea what you just said, but I resent it.”
Nick threw his hands up in the air and said something else in Italian. She meant to go past him, march into her bedroom and lock the door. But he kept waving his hands around, pointing at her, then up at the sky, then back at her again. All with the accompaniment of what she could tell were old Roman curses.
She was just about to teach him some good old American curses when she noticed his boxers. Mickey Mouse? He was wearing Mickey Mouse underwear? She burst into laughter.
He stopped talking to look at her. It was clear he thought she was ready for the men in the white coats, but she couldn’t stop. It hurt, she was laughing so hard. She held her side and wiped her eyes. Finally, she pointed to his drawers.
He looked down. And she watched him turn red, starting with his chest then moving slowly up his neck to his face. That made her crack up harder. She had to sit. She plopped down on the toilet seat and wrapped her arms around her aching stomach.
“These were a gift,” Nick said.
“Oh, yeah. Right,” she said, struggling to stop laughing.
“My mother brought them for me. My cousins went to EuroDisney.”
“Okay,” she said. “I believe you.”
His blush got deeper, and he wouldn’t look at her. She could tell he wanted to run a
way, but then he’d never run from her. Not just because she’d caught him with his pants down. But because he was too much of a man.
“I thought you’d like them,” he said. “But I guess I was wrong.”
“No, no. You aren’t wrong. I love that you wore them here. For me. They’re darling.”
“That wasn’t exactly the reaction I was hoping for.”
“Oh, Nick. What am I going to do with you?”
He smiled as he walked over to sit on the side of the tub. “I don’t know,” he said. “But I hope you’ll stick around to figure it out.”
She’d lost all her outrage. Not her fears. They were still there, as real as ever. But it was impossible to stay angry at a man in Mickey Mouse underwear.
“Do we have a deal?” he asked, taking her hand in his.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Good.” He stood. “Now, come back to bed with me. We’ll talk.”
“I know you mean that in the most generous sense, and I don’t want you to misinterpret what I’m going to say, but can we talk tomorrow? I’m so tired I can’t see straight.”
“Of course,” he said, pulling her to her feet. “We can talk tomorrow, and the day after that. I’m not going anywhere, either.”
She looked at him sharply. “I thought you had a flight scheduled.”
“Not for another week. I didn’t want to leave while Mama and Theresa were here.”
“I see,” she said. But she didn’t. She let him walk her back to the bedroom, and she crawled under the comforter. He snuggled next to her, wrapping his arm and leg around her so she was cocooned in his embrace. She was grateful that her back was to him. This way, he wouldn’t know she was crying.
JESSICA TOOK A LAST LOOK at herself in the tiny mirror of her compact. No mascara under her eyes, no shine on her nose, no lipstick on her teeth. She closed the compact, put it in her purse, then stood up straight. It was going to be fine, she was sure of it. Angelina and Theresa had invited her over so they could get to know each other better. Not to scare her away from Nick.
But her heart still pounded as she knocked on the hotel room door. She’d barely lowered her hand when the door swung open. Theresa beckoned her in, her smile wide and generous. “Come in,” she said in that charming accent. “We’ve been so anxious for you to get here.”
“Thanks.” Jessica was once again treated to a warm hug. She’d been prepared, and yet it was still hard for her to relax in the embrace. Probably because she’d had so little experience with physical affection in her own family. Jeff and Paul were both very affectionate, and hugged and kissed her often, but that wasn’t the same thing.
Theresa took her hand and led her into the living room. The suite was stunning and astonishingly large. Much bigger than her apartment. It was always a shock to remember how wealthy Nick and his family were. Although they all dressed to the nines, they weren’t ostentatious. But man, this was some room!
The paintings on the wall were all impressive and, she was certain, originals. The baby grand by the window was a Steinway, for heaven’s sake. Jeff would have had an orgasm looking at the furniture. It was opulent yet comfortable. Elegant without being obnoxious.
“Sit,” Theresa said. “What can I get you to drink? We have Evian, fruit juice, tea, soda?”
“Orange juice would be wonderful.”
“Perfect,” Theresa said. “Not to make you jealous, but we were thinking a mimosa before dinner would be divine.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Jessica said, sitting on a burgundy mohair club chair that was as cozy as it was striking. “How was your day?”
Theresa left the well-stocked wet bar with their drinks. She put Jessica’s down, then went to the nearest couch and made herself comfy. It was all Jessica could do not to laugh. Here she’d taken such pains to look her best—silk pants and matching blouse, pearl earrings, high heels—and Theresa was in a pair of jeans with a Donald Duck T-shirt. Probably a gift from the same cousin.
“Hello, darling!”
Jessica turned at Angelina’s greeting. She stood up, and Nick’s mother rushed over to give her a hug. It felt so warm that Jessica was ashamed of her uncharitable thoughts.
“So good of you to come tonight. We’ve been wanting to spend time with you away from everyone. We’re very selfish, my daughter and I. We don’t like to share.”
Jessica laughed. “I’m all yours.”
“Good.” Angelina looked at her glass. “I see you’ve got your drink, so sit. I’ll just get one for myself, and we’ll talk, yes?”
Jessica nodded. As she sat back down, she watched Angelina. The woman was so impressive. There was an innate sense of style about her, a grace and charm that Jessica had only seen a few times in her life. It came from breeding, she thought. From being trained in etiquette and social graces from birth.
She’d like her daughter or son to have that. Just like Theresa and Nick, she’d like her child to be socially adept, charming, at ease anywhere. She’d also like her child to be comfortable hugging and touching like Nick’s family was.
Angelina came back and sat next to Theresa. Looking at the two of them, she couldn’t help but think that if this had to happen, it was really quite wonderful that it happened with Nick. It would have been infinitely nicer if he loved her, but she’d learn to deal with that. There were so many pluses for the child, that she felt selfish and petty, wanting it all.
“Nick tells me that you like lists,” Angelina said.
Jessica had to smile. “It’s not so much that I like lists, as I find them a useful tool.”
“What do you mean? Tell me about these lists.”
“They’re nothing, really. If I’m faced with a dilemma, I write down the pros and cons of each choice. It helps to clarify things.”
“Do you always choose the one with the most pros?”
Jessica nodded. “Sure. Why do it if I’m not going to use the information?”
Angelina’s brow furrowed. “But what about your...” She turned to Theresa and they spoke rapid Italian, then Angelina faced Jessica once more. “Your guts. Is that right?”
“Yes, that’s right. I’m not very comfortable going with my guts. I don’t trust them very much.”
“No? I can understand if you want to buy a car, you make a list. But if the question deals with your heart?”
“Ah, those are the most important questions.” She sipped her juice.
“Mama, I think Jessica is very smart. She knows that emotional decisions are sometimes wrong. This way, she stops and thinks about things. Si?”
“That’s the idea, at least.”
“All right,” Angelina said, “then let’s make a list of the pros and cons of you moving to Rome.”
Jessica nearly dropped her glass. “Pardon?”
Theresa glared at her mother for an instant, then turned a brilliant smile toward Jessica. “What Mama was trying to say is that we were wondering if you’d given any thought to the idea of moving to Rome.”
“Quite frankly, no, I haven’t. Is that what Nick wants?”
“We haven’t talked to him about it yet. First, we wanted to see if it was something you’d consider.”
Angelina nodded. “This is my first grandchild. I would like so much to watch him grow up. It’s hard to think of being so far apart.”
“And we could help, too,” Theresa said. “When you want to go out, we could watch him.”
“My nephews both have little ones, so the baby would have playmates,” Angelina said.
“The nursery at the villa is so beautiful.”
“You could stay home with the baby.”
“We could have so much fun!”
“The child would grow up with family all around.”
“Wait!” Jessica held up her hand to stop the barrage. “I get the picture,” she said. “And I’ll certainly consider moving to Rome as one of my options.”
“Don’t forget,” Angelina said, “Nicolo will be flying so mu
ch. You’ll be alone here.”
“We just want what’s best for you and the baby,” Theresa said. “But don’t misunderstand. You don’t have to. We just wanted to make sure you knew that coming to live with us was, as you say, an option.”
“Thank you,” Jessica said. Her head swam with this huge new chunk of information. She’d never once imagined that Nick’s family would want to participate so much in the raising of her baby. It was an idea so foreign to her, she barely knew how to feel about it. On the one hand, it scared her. She’d be a stranger in Rome, amid all of Nick’s family. She didn’t even speak Italian! On the other hand, the idea of the baby growing up in a big family was something she’d never dared hope. It seemed too outlandish to want something as wonderful as that.
“We’ve scared her, Mama.”
“No, Theresa, you haven’t. You’ve just given me a lot to think about.”
“So we must go eat,” Angelina said “No one can think properly on an empty stomach.”
Jessica laughed. “How can you stay so slim, with an attitude like that?”
Angelina sighed. “Simple. I don’t think properly.”
Theresa stood up and held out her hand to Jessica. “Don’t believe that for a moment. She’s a very smart woman.”
“You don’t have to convince me of that,” Jessica said, taking her hand. She stood up, but Theresa didn’t let her go.
The phone rang, and Angelina went to answer. When she was out of the room, Theresa looked at Jessica shyly. “I’d love you to be my sister,” she said. “I always wanted one, you know.”
“Me, too,” Jessica said.
“Nick’s waiting downstairs,” Angelina said as she came back from the bedroom. “He wants to know if he can join us.”
Both women looked at Jessica. “I don’t see why not,” she said, hoping she wasn’t committing some kind of faux pas.
“Good,” Angelina said. “Because I already told him it was okay.”
“Mama!”
“What?”
“You don’t know Jessica well enough to do that”
“But now I know her better,” she said, taking her purse from the counter, “and she knows me better, too.”