THE MOMENT THAT Ethan had dreaded became something peaceful that didn’t feel as if something was tearing chunks out of his heart. Kate had waited a little while and then tucked Jeff’s blanket over him, almost as if he really was just asleep.
This time Ethan made the tea, deciding at the last moment that as he wasn’t driving he could have a glass of wine. Kate refused a half-glass for herself, and they sat on the steps which ran down from the open door of the conservatory onto the dark lawn.
‘To Jeff.’ She clinked her mug against his glass and Ethan smiled.
‘Yeah, to Jeff.’ He took a sip of the wine. ‘Thanks for staying. I... I actually don’t have the words to tell you how much I appreciate it.’
She nodded, staring straight ahead of her. ‘You’re welcome. We’re not always lucky enough to be able to say goodbye to a friend like this but, when we can, it’s something I want to try to make possible.’
‘Well, thank you for making it possible this time. Can I ask you a question?’ He’d tried to let go of the idea, but couldn’t.
‘Yes?’ She turned to him, her eyes bright in the darkness. The thought that, if he reached for her, she might melt against him in the warmth of a summer evening’s embrace almost made Ethan choke.
‘What did Sam say to you?’
‘Ah. I wondered when you’d get around to asking.’
‘Is it a secret?’ Ethan wasn’t sure quite what he’d say if it was. He wouldn’t blame Sam for wanting to share his secrets with Kate, but somehow it would seem like a rejection.
‘No, it’s not a secret. He said that I was to look after you.’
A tear pricked suddenly at the corner of Ethan’s eye, and he rubbed his hand across his face, trying to cover the emotion. But it seemed that Kate wasn’t fooled and she leaned towards him, bumping her shoulder gently against his arm.
‘Growing up fast, is he?’
‘Yeah. Very.’
‘You said he was kind, and he is. That’s a real credit to you.’
Ethan nodded. ‘Yes he is. I’m not sure whether I taught him that, though, he seems to have come up with it all by himself.’
He heard Kate chuckle quietly beside him. ‘I imagine that kindness is one of those things you get by example. You’re worried about him?’
Ethan laughed. ‘I’m always worried about him. That comes with the territory. Since Jenna died, I do the worrying for both of us.’
The words just slipped out. Maybe the darkness, and maybe the way that tonight had stripped away the boundaries. Or perhaps the way that Kate seemed to understand everything so well. Ethan tried to think of something to change the subject, and then he turned into her gaze.
She was wide-eyed and unflinching. When he talked about Jenna most people averted their gaze, but Kate didn’t. ‘I imagine that comes with the territory too. You must miss her very much.’
That wasn’t an easy question to answer. Usually he would say, yes, he did miss Jenna, but tonight the simple response didn’t seem enough.
‘The first anniversary was hard. Sam and I... We’re learning to move forward.’ Ethan shrugged. ‘Actually, he seems to have a momentum all of his own. I’m learning to keep up with him.’
Kate nodded. No questions. But, in the silence, Ethan felt that he could give whatever answer he wanted to.
‘When Sam does something new, I miss not telling her about it.’ Or just having someone to tell. Ethan wasn’t sure which. But, since he’d promised himself he’d never let another woman down the way he had Jenna, he probably would never know.
‘Jenna died very suddenly, and I’m not sure that she heard me when I told her I’d look after Sam...’
‘I don’t imagine she would have been in any doubt about that. It’s obvious that Sam’s your first priority.’
Ethan nodded. Here, now, it didn’t seem so difficult to allow Kate in, even if it was just for a short time. If falling in love a second time would require a completely different skill set from any that he’d needed before, then perhaps Kate could teach him.
Ethan rejected the thought. They could be friends, without the complicating factor of his wanting to protect her all the time. Knowing that wasn’t enough and that he should give all his energies to Sam.
‘Time heals a lot of things.’ He resorted to the familiar cliché and saw Kate nod.
It was getting darker, but Kate showed no signs of wanting to leave. Ethan didn’t want her to go. He wanted these moments of quiet peace to last.
‘Sam’s been talking about a new puppy.’ It seemed suddenly quite natural that Ethan should share it with Kate.
‘Yes? What do you think?’
‘I think...it’s a really good idea. And it’ll be good for Sam.’
‘A little bit soon for you, though?’ Kate wasn’t afraid to voice Ethan’s one reservation.
‘Yes. But if it’s what Sam wants, then that’s fine with me. I wondered if you could recommend anyone.’ The small hope that she couldn’t still tugged at his heart.
Kate nodded, staring silently out into the darkness for a moment, her lips pursed in thought. ‘Yes, I do know a couple of people who have litters of pups which are ready for new homes. Were you thinking of any particular breed?’
‘Not another Newfoundland. Jeff was always so beautifully tempered, and he was great with kids, but he was a bit big for Sam to take for walks. Something a bit smaller would suit him better.’
‘Yes, I’m sure it would. Can I suggest an alternative to taking a puppy home right away?’
‘If you’re going to tell me to wait, then that’s not an option.’ Ethan had already made that decision. Sam’s wants and needs came first.
‘I hear you. But one of our veterinary nurses is hand-rearing a litter. They’re far too small to be rehomed just yet but Sam could choose one. You could visit every now and then, he’d see it grow, and then you could take the puppy when it’s older.’
Ethan stared at her. He hadn’t expected Kate to come up with a solution that would suit both him and Sam. ‘That’s... I think that Sam would really like that. What breed are they?’
‘There’s no pedigree certificate, but we know where they came from.’ She grinned. ‘They’re definitely beagles. You can take my word on that.’
‘Pretty good size for Sam, then.’
‘I would think so, and generally speaking beagles are good with children. They need a lot of exercise, though, and you can’t leave a beagle pup on its own all day while you’re at work.’
‘That wouldn’t be a problem. My parents live in one of the villages about twenty minutes away from here. They look after Sam during the holidays and after school, and my dad’s already said if Sam wants a puppy they’d take care of it while I’m at work. He’s almost as keen on the idea as Sam is.’
Ethan made his decision, finding that it wasn’t as difficult as he’d thought it would be.
‘Would it be okay if we came to have a look at them?’
‘Yes, of course. Give me a ring, whenever you’re ready.’ She shot him a mischievous grin. ‘If one of the puppies chooses you, then Sam can visit any time he likes.’
‘Thank you. That’s very kind.’ Ethan wanted to hug her, but that wouldn’t be quite fair. She’d hug him back, thinking he needed comfort, but that wasn’t his motive. He just wanted to feel her, soft in his arms.
‘It’s my pleasure.’
There were no words for this. Sitting here with Kate, the light from the house casting warm shadows around them. If he could just make tonight something which stood by itself, which had no yesterday to sour it and no tomorrow to make it impossible, then he would have kissed her.
‘I’m going to take Jeff now.’ Her gentle words interrupted the dream of what Ethan knew couldn’t happen. ‘You can pop in over the next couple of days and see our receptionist to make arrangements.’
‘I’ll come with you.’
She hesitated, then shook her head firmly. ‘No, that’s okay. I’d appreciate it if you could give me a hand getting him into my car, but I’ll be fine once I get to the surgery.’
Kate might feel okay about this, but he didn’t. It was one thing to rationalise about lightning not striking twice, but quite another thing to leave her to negotiate the darkness outside the surgery.
‘I’d like to just...see Jeff off. And, now I’ve thrown away three quarters of a glass of a very nice Chablis, it’s the least you can do to let me tag along. I might go to my parents and spend the night there, so I’m around for Sam when he wakes up.’
‘Okay. That sounds like a good idea.’
Ethan supressed a smile, wondering if he might add that he’d follow her home and see her inside. But there was an obvious flaw in the assertion that her place was on his way to his parents’ house, which was that he didn’t know where Kate lived. Maybe he’d work his way round to suggesting that later.
* * *
Ethan seemed to want the company and Kate had to admit that she was very glad he was there. They’d carried Jeff into the surgery together, and Ethan hadn’t left her side until she was safely back in her car. Then he’d bent down, tapping on the window.
‘Which way are you going?’
‘I live in Eadleigh. On the edge of the village.’
His face broke into a broad grin. ‘It’s on my way. I’ll follow you and see you inside.’
The last time she’d negotiated the dark shadows which crowded in on her front path at night, she’d forced herself to walk and not run, but had still arrived inside the house breathless and pushing away the panic. Kate would certainly appreciate him being there, but she didn’t want to admit it.
He turned suddenly, not waiting for her answer, and got into his car.
She parked in the lane outside her cottage, dimly aware that the lights of his car, which had shone reassuringly behind her all the way from the surgery, had just been extinguished. She looked in the rear-view mirror and saw him swing out of the driver’s seat.
Okay. So he was a gentleman. The closeness that had tingled in the air between them this evening somehow made this a more obvious move than it otherwise might have been. Kate got out of her car, marching towards him.
‘I’d ask you in but the place is a terrible mess. End of the week, you know? I do my housework on a Saturday...’ She pressed her lips together. She was protesting too much and, if Ethan couldn’t see the lie on her face in the darkness, he might well hear it in her voice.
He shrugged. ‘Yeah, I know.’
‘Well, goodnight, Ethan. I’m so sorry you lost Jeff this evening.’
He nodded. ‘I think we both did our best for him and that means a lot. Thank you.’
Kate swallowed the impulse to hug him, and turned, hurrying up the front path. As she fumbled for her keys in her handbag, she saw Ethan leaning against his car, watching her inside, and breathed a word of thanks that she knew he couldn’t hear.
Waving to him, she closed the front door, shooting the bolt on the new deadlock. Everything was quiet, undisturbed. Just the way she’d left it this morning. The back door was locked and the windows were secure.
She walked into the sitting room, slumping into a chair. The place was clean and rather relentlessly tidy, to the point that it looked a little starker than usual. During the hours when she wasn’t either at work or trying to sleep she’d been keeping herself busy, finding that physical effort gave her some relief from the clamour of her thoughts.
She could have asked him in—offered him a cup of tea, given him the opportunity to talk a little more if he’d wanted to. But somehow, asking anyone into her home, her sanctuary, was a little more than she was able to do at the moment. Here she was safe.
Safe from the feeling that it would feel good just to curl up with Ethan and go to sleep, undisturbed by the nightmares. He’d taken on the role of hero in her imagination and this couldn’t go on. His eyes were just eyes and they didn’t need any adjectives to describe them.
She looked at her watch, stifling a yawn. She had an early call tomorrow and she hadn’t had a great deal of sleep last night. Hopefully tonight would be different.
CHAPTER FIVE
JOY. THE EMOTION came before Kate had the opportunity to temper it with reason. Her phone caught her unawares and when she saw Ethan’s name on the caller display there was one moment of pure, heart-stopping joy.
‘Hi, Ethan. How are things?’ Her voice sounded strangely breathless and Kate looked around at the crowded waiting room full of patients for her evening surgery to see if anyone had noticed.
‘Good, thanks. Are you okay?’
‘Yes. I’m good.’
That got the denial over and done with. The last few days couldn’t have been easy for Ethan, and they hadn’t been easy for Kate either. But she was managing, and she couldn’t imagine that Ethan was doing any differently.
‘I was wondering if it would be okay for me and Sam to see the puppies you were talking about. Um, hold on a minute...’
Kate grinned. The shrill voice in the background told her that Sam was obviously getting excited at the prospect.
‘Sorry about that. Sam! Holding your breath isn’t going to make any difference.’
People were starting to look. Kate hurried into her empty surgery to hide the stupid grin on her face. ‘When do you want to come and see them?’
‘Would the weekend be convenient for you?’
Kate was taking the puppies this weekend. She dismissed the feeling that it would be better to see Ethan again on neutral ground. She should look at it as seeing Sam. Letting him into her home, her safe place, was a great deal easier to contemplate.
‘The weekend would be fine. Sue, the nurse who’s looking after them, is going away, and I’m going to be taking them. How about Friday evening? I’m finishing work early.’ From the sounds in the background, the sooner the better for Ethan. He obviously had a very excited child on his hands.
‘Friday would be great.’
‘That’s good. Come to my place around seven. Do you remember where I live?’
‘Yes. I remember.’
‘Okay...’ An awkward silence reminded Kate that really the only connection she had with Ethan was a professional one, even though it felt so very personal. ‘I’ll see you then. I’m in the middle of a surgery. I’ve got to run.’
‘Of course. Thanks, I’ll see you tomorrow.’ The line abruptly cut out. Maybe the excitement was just too much for Sam and Ethan had to go and calm him down. Or maybe, that was really all they had to say to each other.
* * *
Settling the puppies into their home for the weekend had taken a while. Kate looked around the cottage and decided against vacuuming in favour of changing out of her work clothes. The top that she picked from the wardrobe was one that she rarely wore, but particularly liked.
‘Stupid little...’ Her fingers fumbled with the tiny mother-of-pearl buttons. Ethan wasn’t going to notice, and Sam almost certainly wouldn’t. Maybe the pups would like it, but if they gnawed at the fine cotton she’d be sorry.
Pulling the scrunchie out, she brushed her hair. That was going to have to do. Any more and it might give the impression that she’d dressed up, and dressing up to spend Friday evening at home wasn’t really her style any more.
There was a time when it had been. After the first mugging, she’d returned home from the hospital and locked herself in her flat. Locking out the hurt and the fear. Telling herself that she had to cope alone, because no one else would help her.
And s
he’d stayed there for six months, immobilised at first and struggling to get out to the hospital for her outpatient appointments. Her body had healed, but her heart hadn’t, and she’d found herself alone, hardly ever going out and never letting anyone in.
As soon as she’d been able to, she’d dressed up on a Friday evening, marking the end of the week in the same way that ordinary people did, despite the fact that her weekends were pretty much the same as her weekdays. She’d cooked a nice meal and settled down to watch a film on the TV.
That wasn’t her any more. She’d given in to the fear after she’d been mugged the first time, but this time it would be different. She would go out and invite people over just like any other normal human being. And Kate had to admit that she was looking forward to seeing Ethan, even if it meant letting him and his son into her home.
The sound of a car in the lane outside reached her. Hers was the last cottage in the row and it was either Ethan or someone who’d taken a wrong turn and got lost. Kate approached the window, standing back from the net curtains so that its occupants couldn’t see her. Ethan’s dark-blue SUV was manoeuvring into a parking space.
She paced up and down the hallway impatiently. How long did it take to get one child out of a car and up the front path? Kate was just considering peeping through the letter box to see what was going on when the doorbell rang.
* * *
‘Hold the flowers, Sam.’ Ethan retrieved the small bunch of flowers from the footwell of his car and put them on the back seat next to Sam.
‘Dad!’ Sam clearly wasn’t in the mood for flowers. He was in the mood for puppies and viewed anything else as an obstacle.
The choosing and buying of flowers and their careful arrangement into the kind of posy that a child might give had been a calculated time waster, intended to fill the hour between picking up Sam from his parents’ and arriving at Kate’s house. But, even though the urge to give them to Kate himself had grown during the course of the exercise, it was impossible.
‘Come on, Sam. Kate’s helping us, and this is our way of saying thank you to her.’
‘But she’s not my girlfriend!’ Sam protested.
Healed by the Single Dad Doc Page 5