He nodded and then smiled suddenly. ‘Put it away now. I want to ask, but if you want to share this with anyone it should be Usha.’
‘I’m not sharing it with Usha. This is just for me. I might tell her about some of the things I’ve written but...not about you.’ It seemed suddenly as if talking to someone else about what they’d shared would be a betrayal.
Ethan shrugged. ‘It’s okay. I’m not going to pretend that I’m not curious, but we both have things to work out. At the moment it’s enough for me to know that you’re doing it, and I hope that’s enough for you too. It’s important that you say whatever you need to say to Usha. That’s how counselling works.’
‘You don’t mind?’
‘I’d mind a lot more if you ever stopped reaching for the healing you need.’ He stretched forward, touching the diary. Kate held on to it tightly, her fingers trembling.
‘Trust me, Kate. Give it to me.’
He wouldn’t look. Kate relinquished the book, watching as he opened the small drawer of the bedside table. His gaze never left her face as he slipped the book inside, closing the drawer.
What would he say if he read the parts about him? The parts where she’d confided her worries about how she’d fit in to Ethan and Sam’s tight family unit. About what place she’d have there, the woman who could never replace Ethan’s wife or Sam’s mother. The parts where she’d said she wasn’t sure she could ever trust any man, not even Ethan.
‘I... I decided to write two things each day. The best thing that’s happened and the worst.’ This was something—an admission that the diary wasn’t wholly out of bounds and that one day the things in it might be told.
‘That sounds like a good idea. Is it working for you?’
‘Yes, it is. I...’ Kate shrugged helplessly. She just wasn’t ready to tell him any more just yet. ‘Thank you, Ethan.’
He nodded, a slow smile working its way across his face. He nodded at the clock that stood by the bed. ‘As it’s only eleven o’clock, I still have time to figure out something that might be the best thing for Saturday.’
‘You’re already the best thing that’s happened to me today.’ In so many ways. It wasn’t just the sex, it was the way that Ethan understood her. The way he pushed her towards better things, but didn’t ask any more of her than she could cope with.
He chuckled quietly. ‘There’s always something better.’
Moving towards her, his hand closed over the top of her foot and his thumb reached around to massage her instep once more, this time a little harder, more demanding of a reaction. Kate sighed and then caught her breath as she felt his lips against the inside of her leg, working up from the knee.
‘Ethan...’ She knew exactly where he was going with this. That delicious state, somewhere in between relaxation and tension which was beyond any words. He did it so well.
There was only now. Only his touch. Everything else faded into soft focus as he ran his tongue along the inside of her thigh.
* * *
The bed rocked in response to urgent movement. Kate’s eyes snapped open and then she squeezed them shut against the light. Ethan’s warmth beside her had suddenly been snatched away and it felt as if he’d taken a part of her with it.
‘I’m sorry.’ She heard his voice, full of regret and panic. Opening her eyes, she focussed on the clock. She’d set the alarm for seven, and they must have both slept through it.
‘I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I have to go.’ Ethan had dressed in less time that it had taken her to realise what day it was.
She wanted to grab him, pull him back into bed with her. Tell him that Sam would be okay with his grandparents. Have Ethan make love to her for another hour. But that wasn’t possible and, even if it had been, Kate wouldn’t have done it. She’d known about this going in, and now was no time to complain.
‘It’s all right. I know.’
He was already making for the door, and she felt a tightness in her chest, the prelude to tears. At least he wouldn’t see them. He’d be gone in a moment. But Ethan turned, striding back towards the bed.
‘I wish I could stay.’ He wrapped his arms around her, kissing her forehead.
‘I wish you could stay too. But you have to go and get Sam. Go...’
All the tenderness, all the passion from last night, was still in his eyes. One last look, and then he stood. This time he didn’t turn back.
Kate heard his footsteps on the stairs and the quiet sound of the front door closing. Outside in the lane, a car engine burst into life.
She reached for her diary, flipping through to find the first blank page. She already knew the best and worst things that could possibly happen to her today.
Best: making love with Ethan.
Kate paused, wondering whether she should elaborate. But that pretty much said it all.
Worst: when he left.
She snapped the diary closed, throwing it down on the bed. Now that she was awake, she might as well get up and get on with the day.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
KATE LOOKED AT her phone. Ethan had called every day for the last four days, just to talk for half an hour after he’d put Sam to bed, and there was no reason why she shouldn’t call him. It was half-past nine and he must be alone by now.
Her hands were shaking as she flipped through her contacts list. Maybe she could call Usha instead. But, although Usha had said she could call at any time, Kate didn’t want to disturb her at this time in the evening.
‘Ethan?’
‘Hey there, beautiful. I was about to call you.’
‘Sam’s asleep?’ Why was she whispering? Probably because Ethan was, but then he had to think about not waking Sam. Last night their whispered conversation had seemed delicious, but tonight it felt as if she was doing something wrong by calling him.
‘Yes, finally.’ There was a moment’s silence on the line. ‘Is anything the matter?’
How quickly things changed. On the night she’d been mugged, he’d tried to comfort her and she’d pushed him away. Tonight, she wanted him to hold her, but he couldn’t.
‘I fell asleep on the sofa. I...had a nightmare.’
‘Sweetheart...’ Ethan’s voice seemed very far away. ‘I wish I could be there.’
She wished that too. ‘It’s okay. I just wanted to hear your voice.’
‘I’d rather...’ He left the thought unfinished. Ethan knew as well as she did that there was no point in talking about what couldn’t happen right now. ‘You haven’t had a nightmare in a while.’
‘Not for a couple of weeks. I thought they’d gone, but this one...it was so real. Much more so than the others.’
‘Sometimes it needs to be real. We need to get things out of our system before we can let go of them.’
‘You think so?’ Maybe she should tell him that she needed him and get that out of her system. But it wouldn’t do any good. It would only make Ethan feel guilty for not being able to leave Sam, and Kate feel as if she was clinging to him when she had no business doing so.
‘You should talk to Usha about this. But it seems to me that it’s a good sign—you’re ready to face what’s happened to you and feel that fear.’
Kate wasn’t so sure she was. ‘Okay. Yes, I’ll do that...’
‘Are you going to be able to get back to sleep tonight?’
‘Yes. I feel better for talking to you.’
‘I wish I could hold you.’
The problem wasn’t a practical one. She could get into her car and drive over to his place. But Ethan couldn’t offer that. Tonight he was a father and he couldn’t mix that with being her lover.
‘We’ll save that for when I see you. On Saturday.’
His quiet sigh told Kate that he was as unhappy about this as she was. She should face facts and make the best of them. There was no magic wand with
which to wave the situation away.
‘Yes. I miss you, Kate.’
That was a start. ‘I miss you too. Let’s talk about something else, eh?’
* * *
Kate hadn’t remembered before now. It was as if she’d been pushed and then found herself at the bottom of the steps with nothing in between. But, in her dream, she’d felt herself falling. Felt the terror and the pain each time she hit the metal-edged steps on the way down.
Ethan had done his best to cheer her up, but only the warm presence of his body next to hers had the power to ward off the chill of her dreams. When she ended the call she felt even more alone than she had when she’d woken up from the nightmare.
She could deal with this. Kate stood up, walking to the mirror over the fireplace, staring at her reflection.
‘You’ve done this before.’ She saw her own face take on a stern look. ‘Now’s no different.’
But it was different. Knowing that Ethan was there, but that they couldn’t be together, made all the difference. Kate turned away from the mirror, not wanting to get into an argument with her own reflection. Maybe writing it all down in the diary Usha had given her would get this feeling under control.
* * *
Ethan became aware that he was tapping his foot when the policeman behind the counter raised his eyebrows and glanced downwards.
‘Sorry.’ He made an effort to keep his feet still and resorted to staring at the ceiling tiles. Then he tried counting them, but fatigue made the rows swim in front of his eyes. It had been a busy week at work and he’d been up early with Sam. But he’d promised Kate that he’d be here.
Finally, after what seemed like an age, she appeared, holding a large brown manila envelope. She smiled at the officer behind the counter as he let her through and his rather forbidding demeanour brightened by several degrees.
She grabbed Ethan’s arm, leading him through the doors and bundling him down the steps.
‘Guess what?’
‘I’ve no idea.’ From the look on her face it was something good. ‘You’ve won the police raffle?’
‘Better than that.’
‘They have some good prizes, you know.’
Kate dug her fingers into his ribs. ‘Behave. The guy is pleading guilty.’
‘Guilty. Really?’ Ethan had kept in touch with Mags and there had been no hint that this might happen.
‘Yes. It was unexpected, but apparently they found a load of stuff hidden in the loft at his mum’s house. Once they had that, he admitted to all the charges. It’s such a relief.’
Ethan smiled. Kate hadn’t spoken of being worried about this morning’s interview, but he knew it had been preying on her mind.
‘What did Mags say? Did you see her?’
‘Yes. I didn’t expect to because she’s so senior. She’s nice, isn’t she?’
‘Yeah, she’s very nice. Less so if you happen to break the law.’
‘Well, she was very nice to me. She said she was very pleased for us.’
‘Right.’ He supposed that waiting downstairs for an hour had been a bit of a giveaway and this time Mags had put two and two together and come up with the right answer.
‘Did you tell her? About us?’
‘No. She is a detective, though.’ It might make Ethan feel slightly uneasy that everyone seemed to know about him and Kate, but it wasn’t exactly a secret. They just didn’t tell very many people about it.
‘Anyway...listen!’ Kate seemed too excited to bother about that at the moment. ‘She explained it all to me and said that he’s signed a statement and everything. They have him on more than one count of mugging and some other things as well. He’s pleading guilty to everything, in the hope that he gets a more lenient sentence.’
‘And how do you feel about that?’ Ethan asked.
‘Well, if it all goes the way it should, I won’t have to testify. I wasn’t looking forward to that.’
‘True enough. You’re sure you don’t want your day in court, though?’ Ethan knew that some people felt that was part of the healing process.
‘No. I know what he did and everyone else knows it too. You know it, don’t you?’
‘I was there, remember? I know exactly what he did.’
‘Then that’s what I want. I want it over with, and for the courts to decide what happens to him.’ Kate gave a firm little nod.
‘Then I’m pleased you got what you wanted.’
Kate was practically skipping down the road and it was a joy to see her so happy. ‘Oh, I nearly forgot. This is for Sam.’
‘What is it?’
‘It’s for his show-and-tell at school.’
‘His what?’
‘It’s where they stand up and tell the rest of the class about something.’
‘Yes, I know what it is.’ Ethan could feel a prickle of unease at the back of his neck. ‘I just didn’t know he was doing one.’
‘You must have just forgotten. He asked me if I could get something from the police station when I came round this morning. So I asked Mags if she had anything suitable for his age group and she gave me this. I’m sure we can find something good amongst it all.’
Something gripped the pit of Ethan’s stomach and twisted hard. It was entirely up to Sam if he wanted to ask Kate to get him something for school. But he’d rather his son had asked him. The realisation that he possibly had but Ethan had forgotten made him feel even worse. Looking after Sam was his responsibility—not Kate’s.
‘What?’ she asked, taking in his expression. ‘I thought you’d be pleased.’
‘Yes, I am. Thanks very much.’ His own voice echoed in his ears, not sounding very pleased at all.
‘Did I overstep? I know I’m just a friend...’ She was frowning now, and Ethan knew exactly what the unspoken end of the sentence contained. I know I’m not his mother.
‘No. It’s okay, really.’ Ethan took the envelope, resolving to listen more carefully in future. Kate wasn’t Sam’s mother and she was always very careful never to try to be. This was his fault entirely.
But he couldn’t let it go. Ethan had grown used to the juggling act that a demanding job and sole care of a five-year-old entailed and now, with his growing relationship with Kate... He was beginning to wonder if he hadn’t stretched himself too thin and that he was in danger of dropping all the balls.
But Kate was too precious for him to give her up. He just had to hope that she’d understand that he couldn’t always be there for her. That he couldn’t rush to her side and kiss away her fears when she had a nightmare, however much it tore him in two not to.
‘Look, I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I have to—’
She arched an eyebrow. ‘Go?’ she finished for him. ‘You don’t have to apologise for needing to be somewhere else. I assume that you do?’
Her understanding didn’t make it any easier, because he knew that he was short-changing her. ‘Yeah, I do. And I should probably be sorting Sam’s show-and-tell out with him as well.’
‘Okay. Good.’ She smiled and Ethan wondered if she was just making the best of a bad job. ‘At least that means I won’t embarrass you by celebrating over a coffee with the most embarrassing combination of flavours I can think of.’
A stab of guilt slashed at Ethan’s heart. ‘You couldn’t possibly embarrass me. Caramel, cream and a beautiful woman?’
Kate laughed, and this time she seemed truly happy. ‘Go. We’ll celebrate together later.’
Ethan watched her go, her step a little lighter as she negotiated her way along the crowded high street. It seemed that they still had a way to go before they could work out a way forward in their relationship, but he wanted to make that journey. All he could hope was that Kate would hang on in there with him while he found his way.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
WHEN ETHAN W
AS there all Kate’s doubts disappeared. They lay side by side on a blanket at the top of Summer Hill watching the sky darken. There were plenty of places they could have chosen to go on this balmy Saturday evening, but just being together was the most perfect.
‘Are you cold?’ Ethan’s fingers were entwined with hers and he lifted her hand, pressing it to his lips.
‘No. Are you tired?’ Kate had noticed the dark rings under Ethan’s eyes when she’d seen him that morning at the police station.
‘Yep. You make me feel tired and happy, instead of just tired.’
‘We’ll go home. You can sleep.’ Tomorrow seemed a long way away at the moment and all Kate could think about was ending today by curling up with Ethan.
‘I don’t want to sleep when I’m with you.’
Kate sat up, looking down into his face. ‘I’ll make you sleep.’
‘And how are you going to do that?’ Ethan grinned suddenly.
‘Wait and see.’
‘I don’t have to get up so early tomorrow.’ His lips quirked downwards and Kate wondered what could possibly have got in the way of his morning hug for Sam.
‘Is that...good?’ The idea of being able to wake lazily with Ethan sounded wonderful.
‘Yes, it’s good.’ He reached up, caressing her cheek. ‘My mother’s doing a “breakfast in bed” party for Sam. Apparently they’ll be busy sitting around in their pyjamas and getting crumbs in the bedclothes until ten thirty. There are going to be games and Mum made it very clear that I’m not invited.’
‘That’s really sweet.’ Kate had wondered whether everyone in his parents’ village saw Ethan as just the grieving widower. It seemed that his mother, at least, was open to the idea that he might be ready to move on.
‘Yeah. When I dropped Sam off this afternoon, she hustled me into the kitchen and gave me a piece of her mind.’
‘And?’ Whatever Ethan’s mother had said, he was obviously thinking about it carefully. And clearly not entirely in agreement with her.
‘She says I’m spreading myself too thin. That it would be better for Sam if I included him a little more in our friendship.’ Ethan grinned. ‘She’s being tactful. She knows it’s not just a friendship.’
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