Tears stung the back of Mary Ruth’s eyes as Willis’s casket was lowered into the ground. Their bishop read a hymn as the grave was covered with dirt, and he continued reading until the job had been finished. She bit the inside of her cheek, struggling to keep her emotions in check. Mary Ruth would not give in to the tears begging to be released. She had to remain strong for her family’s sake. She would have plenty of time when she was alone to give in to her grief and allow the tears to flow unchecked.
Mary Ruth thought about the plain Amish tombstone that would be placed over the spot where her husband was buried. It would simply state Willis’s name, his birth and death dates, and his age in years, months, and days. The plot itself would be bare, with no foliage planted or flowers placed on the grave. Children usually were buried in unmarked graves or had small headstones that lay flat on the ground.
Mary Ruth’s one consolation was the assurance that Willis had gone to heaven and stood in the presence of God. Her dearly loved husband had professed Christ as his Savior and lived a Christian life in every sense of the word. Someday Mary Ruth would be reunited with Willis. Until then, she had to keep the faith and set an example to her family and friends.
As the mourners headed back to their buggies following the graveside service, Ivan paused and looked over his shoulder at the place where his father had just been buried. It didn’t seem real—it felt like a bad dream, only he knew he wouldn’t wake up and realize it hadn’t happened at all.
Dad had only been gone three days, and already Ivan missed him. Ever since he was a boy, they had enjoyed playful banter. Dad had told Ivan corny jokes, and when Ivan told some of his own, Dad had always laughed and said, “That was a good one, Son.”
“Are you okay?” Yvonne put her hand on Ivan’s arm.
“No, not really, but for my mamm’s sake, I have to remain strong.”
“It’s okay to cry. No one will think you’re weak if you let your emotions out.”
Ivan bristled. “This is not about me being afraid of what others might think. If I give in to my tears and Mom sees me crying, it will only make her feel worse.”
Yvonne shook her head. “I don’t think so, Ivan. Mary Ruth will understand, because like her, you are grieving for a man who was much loved by everyone in this family. Grief is an important part of healing. The Bible tells us that even Jesus wept when He was overcome with grief.”
“Jah, I know.” He reached up and rubbed a spot on the back of his neck where a muscle had tightened. “Even so, I’ll shed most of my tears in the privacy of our home or when I’m alone in the barn.”
Yvonne didn’t say anything more, but Ivan caught her glancing at Lenore with raised brows. My wife clearly doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. After all, it’s not her father we just buried.
By late afternoon, the tables, benches, songbooks, trays, and coffee butlers had all been put back into the bench wagons and hauled to the home where church would be held the next Sunday. The barn, shop, and house had been cleaned, and all the food taken care of. Everyone headed for home, except the closest family members and a few neighbor ladies who had set out leftovers for the Lapp family’s supper.
Lenore felt relieved when the funeral dinner was over and everyone had gone home. It had been a long, tiring day, and she’d made a valiant effort to hold her emotions in check. She had wanted to be strong for her grandmother’s sake, but watching the expression on sweet Grandma’s face when Grandpa’s coffin was lowered into the ground was almost her undoing. Lenore knew her grandmother quite well, and she was not easily fooled. No matter how much of a brave front Grandma had put on today, fatigue and sadness from deep within became more evident as the day wore on.
Soon after Sara, Brad, Kenny, and Lenore’s parents and brothers left for home, Lenore insisted Grandma go to the living room to rest. Then she fixed them both a cup of chamomile tea and joined her there.
Lenore’s heart nearly broke when she entered the room and saw Grandma sitting in Grandpa’s favorite chair, staring at her folded hands.
“Your daed wants me to sell this old house and move in with him and your mudder.” Grandma lifted her head and looked at Lenore.
“How do you feel about that idea?”
“I don’t like it one bit.” Grandma shook her head. “This is my home, and I want to stay here as long as I’m able.” She moaned. “But your daed’s likely to keep pestering me till I give in and do what he says.”
“You don’t need to give in, Grandma. I’m willing to keep living here with you. I’m sure that arrangement would satisfy Dad.”
“Are you sure? What if Jesse asks you to marry him? I doubt he would want to move in here.”
“We’ll deal with that should the time ever come.” Lenore took a seat in the chair nearest Grandma. It seemed so strange not to have Grandpa here, occupying his favorite chair. She still couldn’t wrap her mind around the fact that he was gone. Lenore thought about how one of their ministers had reminded them today that life goes on, and although they felt sorrow, they also needed to face the future with acceptance, a quiet joy, and a living hope and faith that Willis Lapp was in a better place, spending eternity with the One he had served for most of his life.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. Nothing will ever be the same in this house, and I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out what my future holds.” Grandma stroked a worn spot on the arm of the chair. “When I married your grandfather, I never expected that he would be the one to go first.” She sighed once more. “Always thought it would be me, even though he said once that he hoped we would leave this earth together.”
Lenore’s throat had swollen to the point that she could barely speak. “As Grandpa said many times over the years, ‘none of us knows what the future will hold.’”
Grandma gave a slow nod. “Getting up every morning and not having him to look after is going to take some getting used to, and I’ll have a lot of time on my hands. I’m likely to feel like a horse with no buggy to pull.”
“It will be difficult at first, but you’ll find something to do.”
“I hope so, because it’s not in my nature to sit around all day and do nothing.”
Lenore sat mulling over her grandmother’s words until an idea popped into her head. “Say, what would you think about caring for Jesse’s little girl during the day while he’s at work? Or would that be too much for you?”
Grandma remained still for several minutes, staring straight ahead. Then, with one quick nod, she said, “That’s a wunderbaar idea, Lenore. If Jesse’s agreeable to the idea of me taking care of his little girl, I’m more than willing.” She touched her chest. “In fact, it might be exactly what I need to keep my mind occupied and to fill this emptiness.”
Chapter 21
Children’s laughter rang throughout the schoolyard as Lenore’s students headed for home. Today was Friday, and they were undoubtedly eager for their weekend to begin.
Lenore stood on the schoolhouse porch, watching them go and enjoying the wonderful cooling breeze. The heat wave they’d had since Grandpa’s death a week and a half ago had finally passed, and last night light sprinkles of rain took away some of the dust. Lenore was also eager to get home. It had been difficult to return to teaching, but keeping busy helped to keep Lenore’s mind active—giving her fewer chances to feel the pain of losing her beloved grandfather.
A vision of Grandpa’s face flashed into her mind and she remembered an incident from before he’d suffered a stroke. Lenore had gone to the living room to tell him supper was on the table, and she’d found Grandpa in his recliner with his eyes closed. “Wake up, Grandpa,” she’d said, giving his arm a nudge. He didn’t budge—he just lay there. When Lenore was about to call out his name again, Grandpa’s eyes popped open, and he looked at her with a teasing grin. “Wasn’t sleeping. I was just restin’ my eyes.” They’d had a good laugh.
Lenore smiled, in spite of the sharp pain of regret that penetrated her soul
. Grandpa had always been good at making other people laugh. The only time she’d ever seen him succumb to depression was after he’d suffered that horrible stroke. But later, when it appeared that he was getting better, Grandpa’s humorous side had resurfaced.
Lenore’s thoughts turned to her grandmother. On Monday, Grandma had begun watching Cindy while Jesse was at work. Lenore looked forward to seeing how they were both doing. While it was good therapy for Grandma to have something meaningful to do, caring for an eight-month-old child was also a lot of work. But Grandma had insisted she was up to it, and according to Jesse, his late wife’s aunt had seemed somewhat relieved to relinquish the responsibility.
I’m also eager to see Jesse when he joins us for supper again this evening, Lenore admitted to herself. He’d eaten the evening meal with them every night this week and would no doubt stay for some of Grandma’s delicious cabbage rolls this evening. Having his company was nice, and Grandma seemed relaxed around him. It almost seemed as if she’d accepted Jesse as part of the family.
Although Lenore enjoyed Jesse’s company, she never felt fully at ease with him. Maybe it was because she tried so hard to make an impression on him and was never sure what he might be thinking. Sometimes, like two nights ago, Jesse engaged her in conversation and smiled a lot. Other times, such as last evening, he said very little unless spoken to and appeared to be deep in thought. Lenore longed to know what was on his mind. Maybe I’m overanalyzing things. It probably doesn’t matter what’s going through Jesse’s mind when he’s quiet.
A buzzing fly circled Lenore’s head, putting an end to her thoughts about Jesse. She stepped back inside the schoolhouse to help her assistant take care of a few things, and then it would be time for them both to go home.
“You’ve been awfully quiet today,” Ezekiel said as he and Michelle worked side by side in the greenhouse that afternoon. “Are you still worried about moving to New York this fall instead of waiting till spring as originally planned? If it’s a problem, I can contact the man who is selling me his business and tell him that fall is too soon for us to move.”
Michelle shook her head. “It’s not the move I’m having a hard time dealing with, but the fact that Willis is gone. He was like a grandpa to me—the grandfather I never had.”
“I miss him too.” Ezekiel’s mouth turned down at the corners. “I’ve known the Lapps since I was a boy, and both of them always treated me kindly.”
Michelle brushed some dirt off her hand after repotting an African violet. “I’m glad Lenore is living with her grandma. Mary Ruth needs someone with her—especially now. She has to be so lonely without Willis.” Michelle teared up. “I can’t begin to imagine how much she must miss him.”
“I’m sure she does, but I guess you haven’t heard. Mary Ruth began watching Jesse Smucker’s daughter this week,” Ezekiel’s mother chimed in from the next aisle over. “I bet that little girl is keeping Mary Ruth so busy she hardly has time to think about much else.”
Mary Ruth’s knees creaked as she knelt on the blanket she’d spread on the living-room floor for Cindy. It was diaper-changing time, and since the little girl wasn’t fond of having her diapers changed, Mary Ruth decided to make a game of it. “Where’s Cindy?” she asked, dropping a diaper onto the little girl’s head and then pulling it off again. “Ah, there she is! There’s my sweet Cindy.”
Cindy giggled and kicked her feet.
After Mary Ruth put the diaper in place and fastened it, she tickled Cindy under her chin. “Kitzle voggel … Kitzle voggel … Here comes the tickle bird.”
Cindy giggled even more, and Mary Ruth did too. Thinking back to how her son and daughter had reacted when she’d played silly games with them during their babyhood brought a smile to her face. Rhoda and Ivan had both enjoyed the “tickle bird” game. Oh, how she missed those fun-loving days when she and Willis were raising their children. If only there was some way to turn back the hands of time.
Taking care of Jesse’s daughter was a joy, as well as a privilege, and it did take some of her depression away. But Mary Ruth’s life would be so much better if Willis were here to share it with. There would be no fresh apple cider this year, unless Ivan made it, and there were so many other things Willis used to do as head of the house—things Mary Ruth and everyone in the family would miss.
But he’s not coming back, she reminded herself, and I need to keep busy and stay focused on the now. In time, the indescribable pain I feel will hopefully diminish.
Mary Ruth put Cindy’s pink sleeper on and had begun patting the baby’s back when Lenore came in. “How was your day, Grandma? Was Cindy a good girl for you?”
“Jah, she’s a sweetheart.” Mary Ruth picked up the wet diaper and grunted as she pushed herself up. “Would you like to spend some time with her while I go take this disposable windel out to the garbage and wash up? Then if you don’t mind, maybe you can spend some time with her while I get supper started.”
“Most definitely. But not for too long. Jesse will be here soon, and I need to help you get our evening meal going.”
Mary Ruth shook her head. “You’ve had a busy week at school and deserve a little downtime, so just relax and enjoy being with the boppli.” Without waiting for a response, Mary Ruth left the room.
Lenore sat on the floor beside Cindy and played this-little-piggy. The little girl giggled every time Lenore wiggled one of her toes and said what each pretend piggy was doing. It felt nice to spend time with Jesse’s daughter. She missed all the fun and games they used to have. “Bissel seiche—little piglet.” Lenore wiggled all ten of Cindy’s toes and tweaked her nose.
Lenore’s attention was diverted when she heard a buggy roll into the yard. I wonder who is here. After a few moments, Lenore heard someone come up onto the porch and knock on the door. It couldn’t be Jesse. It was too early for him to be off work yet.
The door opened and Dad walked in, awkwardly carrying what looked like quite a heavy box.
“Hello, Daughter.” He grinned at her.
“Hi, Dad. I’ll help you with the door.” Lenore jumped up and went to close it. Then she scooped Cindy up and followed her father into the kitchen.
“This box is full of frozen beef from my English neighbor, Ron. His freezer died, so he came by earlier in a panic to see if I’d have enough room to hold all the packages before they thawed.” Dad set the box on the table. “I helped Ron out, and we got all the meat inside safe and sound. And for my trouble he insisted I should keep this amount.”
Lenore smiled. “That was nice of him.”
“What was nice?” Grandma asked as she came into the room. “Oh, hi, Ivan. I didn’t know you were here.”
After giving her a hug, he gestured to the cardboard box. “I’ve come bearing gifts.”
Grandma tipped her head. “Oh, what is all this?”
Cindy squirmed in Lenore’s arms, so she patted the little girl’s back. “There’s frozen beef inside the box.”
“Really, from who?”
“My neighbor’s freezer died, and for me helping him out he gave me this.”
“That’s a pleasant surprise.” She stepped closer to the box.
Lenore watched as Dad pulled out the packages of meat. There were some steaks, a roast, and a good amount of hamburger. Grandma’s eyes seemed to brighten as she watched the packages pile up on the kitchen table.
“Since you often invite me, Yvonne, and the boys over for a meal, this will save some money from your grocery bill.” He grinned.
“Thank you, Son. I’ll take a look in my freezer to see if we can get all this meat inside.” Grandma reached over and pulled open the freezer part of her propane-operated refrigerator.
Lenore leaned over to look inside too. “There’s not a lot in there right now, so maybe it will all fit.”
Dad came over with an armload of packages and began to fill up the spaces. Lenore stepped out of his way and took a seat at the kitchen table, placing Cindy in her lap.
“W
hat are your plans for this evening?” Grandma looked over at Dad.
“I’m going back to the house after I run to the bank. Why, Mom? Did you need me to do something before I go?”
“I thought if you weren’t busy you might like to join us for a cup of kaffi and some of my banana bread.”
“Danki, but I really have to go. I’ll take a rain check, though.”
“Okay.” She went to the pantry and brought out a roasting pan. “It’s probably time for me to start supper, and I really shouldn’t be snacking so close to the evening meal.” Grinning at Ivan, Grandma thumped her stomach. “If I’m not careful, I’ll end up looking like one of your daed’s old hogs.”
Dad laughed, but the mention of Grandpa’s hogs sent a pang of regret through Lenore. She’d give anything to have him sitting here at the table right now, enjoying a cup of coffee and telling some of his silly jokes. “Grandma, why don’t you take Cindy and go into the living room? I’ll get supper started.”
Dad patted Lenore’s back. “That’s my thoughtful daughter—always thinking of others.”
He pointed at the cardboard box on the kitchen table. “I’ll take that with me when I leave, unless you need an extra box for something, Mom.”
Grandma shook her head. “There are a few empty boxes out in the barn, so feel free to take this box with you.” She told Ivan goodbye and gave him a hug, then took Cindy from Lenore and headed for the living room.
Dad turned to face Lenore. “Before I go, I was wondering how things are going between you and Jesse.”
“We’re doing well.” She smiled. “He should be here in another hour or so.”
“Will he be staying for the evening meal?”
“Jah.”
“What are you having for supper this evening?”
The Healing Jar Page 13