“Carrie…”
She stood up unsteadily. “Don’t worry, I’ll leave you alone in a second. I just wanted to ask you something without my father standing there watching.” She met my eyes one last time. “Are you just pushing me away for my own good? Or did you really mean it when you said you didn’t love me anymore because of what I’d done to you?”
No. No, no, no, no, no.
I opened my mouth, ready to beg for forgiveness, but then I saw it. The bruise I’d given her. “Y-Yes. I meant it.” I swallowed hard. “Too much has changed between us. I went over there to make myself better for you, to save us, but instead it ruined everything. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry it has to be this way, but I can’t love you like I used to, and you shouldn’t love me either.”
She bit down hard on her lower lip and nodded, still not crying. “I think it’s my fault, too. I totally get it if you can’t love me because of what I did to you.” She bit down again, even harder. “But we promised each other no more lies. If you do this, if you say this, you can’t show up later and take it all back.”
I shook my head, even though I wanted to hug her. Kiss her. Love her. “I’m not lying.”
“Okay.” She tilted that stubborn chin of hers up again, looking more like her father than ever before. “If it wasn’t for me, for us, you would have never been offered that job. You would have never been hurt, and you’d still be the you that you so clearly want to be. I’m sorry for that. So, so sorry.”
My heart wrenched. She couldn’t take the blame. It wasn’t on her shoulders, damn it. She wasn’t the broken one here. “It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault. It’s all me. Forget what I said earlier. I didn’t—”
“Don’t go backing down now,” she snapped. Then she regained that calm she’d been showing me, and looked at me with a cool smile. “One more thing. I love you, and I’ll always love you, but I don’t want to ever see you again if this is the end. Don’t come looking for me. Don’t come check on me. It’s done.”
I counted to three in my head. I wouldn’t tell her the truth. I wouldn’t fall to my knees and beg her to forgive me. And I definitely wouldn’t tell her it had all been an act. That I hadn’t really broken any promises to her.
That I loved her with all of my fucking heart and always would.
I closed my eyes. “Carrie…”
“Don’t.” She headed for the door. “Just d-don’t.”
She was making this so damn hard, when all I was trying to do was save her. She needed to leave before I snapped. But when she grabbed the knob, finally ready to leave me alone, I laid my hand over hers. Stopped her. Her skin was so soft. So perfect. So mine. How was I supposed to live without her by my side? How was any of this right?
“You won’t see me again,” I promised, meeting her gaze before looking at the bruise again. It kept reminding me I was doing the right thing. “Someday you’ll love someone who actually deserves your love, and I’ll be happy you found him.”
“Yeah. Okay.” She looked away first, tears finally escaping her eyes. “Whatever.”
I moved away from the door, and for the second time that night…
I watched her walk away.
Month one
Without opening my eyes, I shut off my blaring alarm. I slowly rolled over and blinked at the window. The sun was shining bright and cheery, completely opposite of the weather in D.C. It had been so weird coming home without…without him. I refused to even think his name—it hurt too much. I fingered my necklace, still staring outside at the bright blue sky. Funny that it was so pretty and cheery outside, when my life felt so dark I didn’t want to move. I rolled over, pulled the covers over my head, and went back to sleep.
Finn
I chugged back another shot, squinting through the dim bar across all the bodies, shouting, and laughter. A girl with red hair turned my way, smiling coyly when she spotted me watching her. It only made me think of Carrie, which made me want to drink more, damn it. I motioned the bartender over, pointing at my empty shot glass. Where was she right now? Was she happy? Sad? Did she miss me as much as I missed her? I didn’t know, but fuck, I wish I did.
Month two
I sat up in bed, smoothing my messy hair out of my eyes. I was five minutes late to class, so I needed to move fast. Throwing the covers over the side of the bed, my feet hit the bare floor within seconds. After I tossed my scattered homework into my bag, I hobbled over to my closet, eyeing the shirt I’d left curled up in a ball on my pillow. Finn’s shirt. It had taken me three weeks to find it mixed in with my stuff; I’d been that much of a mess. Now I slept with it every night. It calmed me, even while it made me cry. I couldn’t let it go.
Couldn’t let him go.
Finn
I sank onto the bench, a bottle of beer in my hand, glowering at the ocean. I had thought it would bring me peace, being back out here in California. Being near her. But she didn’t even know I was here, and I hadn’t gone near her. I looked down at my ripped jeans and trailed my hand over my scar. The cast was off my arm now, but it still hurt like a fucking bitch. Everything hurt. I had no meaning to my life. Nothing to live for.
No one who cared.
Month three
I entered my dorm room, smiling as I shut the door behind me. I’d been out to dinner with Marie and her latest love interest, Sean. For the first time in months, I thought maybe I was starting to feel alive a little bit again. I walked up to the window, staring out into the night. I played with my necklace as I stared at the full moon, wondering where he was right now. If he was okay. If he was happy. I glanced down to where he used to always stand while watching over me…and my heart stopped. I swore, I freaking swore, I saw him out there, looking up at me. Pressing my forehead against the glass, I squinted into the darkness, desperately seeking him.
He wasn’t there. I’d imagined the whole thing.
Swallowing past the tears that welled up in my throat, I rested a hand against the glass window. “I miss you, Finn.”
The door opened behind me. I swiped the tears away and left the window.
Finn
I looked up at her, my heart racing so fucking hard I swore she could hear it. I saw her scanning the shadows, looking for me. Had she seen me, or had I imagined that? I tightened my fist around the bottle of whiskey I always seemed to carry around with me, wanting so badly to step into the light and shout her name at the top of my lungs. To beg her to forgive me. To love me again. Then I saw the empty bottle in my hand…and I hated myself.
“I miss you so much, Ginger,” I whispered, dropping the bottle to the grass at my feet. “So fucking much.”
I stumbled forward. I shouldn’t be alive. Shouldn’t be here anymore. Maybe I should go to the beach, take all my pills, and end it. End the suffering, pain, and agony. No. That wasn’t painful enough. I deserved worse.
I deserved to fucking suffer.
Slowly, I made my way to the store, my heart in my throat the whole time. As I stood in the camping aisle, staring at the rope that could end my life, I tried to think of how best to do it. Where best to do it. I didn’t have a house, and hanging myself from a tree seemed too poetic. I just stood there calmly contemplating the best place to die, and I didn’t even care.
I’d hit rock bottom.
Month four
I blinked up at the blinding light, covering my eyes with my hand. Peeking through my fingers, I just managed to catch sight of the bright blonde hair hanging down over my head. I’d been blissfully sleeping moments before, but now the light was freaking killing me. “God, Marie. What the hell?”
“Get up.” She yanked the covers off me, leaving them tangled around my feet. “We’re going out.”
I pulled the covers back up over my sweats and loose T-shirt. “What? No. I’m not going out. It’s…” I looked at the clock. “Uh…eight o’clock at night.”
Wow. I’d have sworn it was at least midnight.
“Yeah. Just noticing the pathetic
depths to which you’ve fallen, huh?” She ripped the covers off again. This time I let her. “It’s a Friday night in spring, the weather is perfect, and we’re going to a party whether or not you like it. Enough moping around over him.”
“I’m not moping,” I protested, sitting up and rubbing my eyes. “I’m just tired.”
“You’ve been moping ever since you came back from D.C., and you know it. You woke up and he was gone. It was over. It was tragic and sad. He broke your heart.” She put her hands on her hips. “I’ve allowed you four months to get over it, but enough is enough already. You need to come back to the land of the living. Finn’s gone, but you’re not.”
I swallowed hard at the mention of his name, my fingers automatically closing around the sun pendant. Had it really been four months? It felt like only days ago that I’d woken up to find his room empty. No goodbye. No hugs. Nothing. Just empty, like me.
I nodded. “I know that.”
“Then get the hell up.” Marie headed for the drawers, rummaging through them and slamming them shut in progression. “Ugh. You need one of my dresses. All of yours aren’t right.”
“Right for what?” I asked, shoving my hair out of my eyes. “I really don’t want to go to a party. I’m tired. And there’s—”
“‘No other Finns out there.’ Yeah. I got that loud and clear the other twenty times you told me.” She rolled her eyes and pulled out one of her black dresses. I hated black dresses now. They reminded me of him. “How’s this?”
“No.”
She rolled her eyes and pulled out a dark green one. “This?”
“Marie…” I met her eyes. “Don’t make me go. I-I’m not ready.”
“You’ll never be ready.” She sat down beside me and hugged me so tight I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t mind one little bit. “But all you’ve done is sleep, hang out with me, study, and study some more. The only person you get dressed nicely for anymore is Riley, and even that’s a chore for you. Do you really want your life to be like this forever? To be stuck in mourning like this?” She squeezed my shoulder. “You broke up with him, he didn’t die.”
It felt like he had. I hadn’t heard a word from him since he’d packed up and left my parents’ house in the middle of the night. Lately, I kept thinking I’d seen him here and there. Outside of my classes. At the gym. At the cafeteria after dinner. But then I’d look again, and he wouldn’t be there. His ghost kept haunting me, even though he was still alive.
Hernandez was my guard now, and by unspoken agreement we didn’t discuss Finn at all. I didn’t ask, and he didn’t tell. Heck, I didn’t even know if they still talked. It was better that way…or so I kept telling myself.
Maybe Marie was right.
Maybe I needed to stop being so darn sad all the time. It had been four months, and he’d obviously moved on with his life. Maybe I should try to do the same, no matter how dull and boring it might be now. “Where’s the party?”
“At Sean’s fraternity.” Marie’s eyes lit up at the mention of Sean. All I knew about the dude was that he was loud when they made out, and he had a hell of a smile that Marie couldn’t shut up about. “You in?”
I sighed. “Yeah, I guess so. I’ll have to let Hernandez know.”
I’d told her who I really was two months ago, when I’d finally stopped moping around long enough to actually form a coherent sentence. We’d gotten even closer since she knew the real me. It was so refreshingly fun to not have to hide my identity from someone like Marie.
“Oh.” Marie’s smile faded. “Does he have to come? He ruins the fun with that frown and serious disposition of his. And those judgey eyes.”
“He’ll stay back,” I said, grabbing my phone. “And he won’t stare at you. Why do you hate him so much?”
“He’s Finn’s friend. That makes him the enemy in my book,” Marie said. She stood, the dress still in her hands, looking less than convinced. “I wonder if Riley could come down to meet us? What do you think?”
I pulled up Hernandez’s number and jotted off a quick text. Going to party. “I doubt it. He’d need more notice than twenty minutes.”
“Well, about that…” Marie fidgeted, her gaze skittering away. “I kind of sort of invited him down yesterday. Thought it might be time for you to open your eyes and see the boy’s in love with you.”
I tightened my grip on the phone. It vibrated, but I didn’t look at it. “No, he’s not. We’re friends. That’s it. Why does everyone keep shoving us together like we’re suddenly going to fall in love or something?”
Marie snorted. “You might want to be friends, but he wants more.”
“No, he doesn’t.” My stomach twisted at the thought. “He really doesn’t.”
“Yeah. Sure he doesn’t.” Marie pulled out a clean—maybe?—towel and chucked it at me. I caught it reflexively. “He’ll be here in ten minutes, so you better go shower and shave.”
“I don’t have to shave,” I said, my voice low.
“Have you seen those legs?”
“Yeah, it’s not that bad.” I lifted my leg and looked at my calf. Then, well, I flinched. “Okay, you’re right. I’ll shave.” I looked at my phone and opened Hernandez’s text. Address? I gave it to him before I tossed the phone aside. “’K, off I go.”
“Is Sourpuss coming?” Marie asked, applying her eyeshadow.
She acted as if she hated him all the time, but every time we got together with him, Marie came to life. I’d bet my bottom dollar that she got off on their arguing. “Yep. Wear red. He likes it.”
She rolled her eyes. “Now you’re the crazy one.”
I laughed and headed for the showers, feeling a little bit lighter for the first time since I’d gotten my heart broken by the guy who’d sworn he would always love me. I tried not to think about it much, but it was hard. Especially when my new guard was his freaking BFF. At first, I’d tried to avoid Hernandez out of principle. Dad kept sending him after me, though, and I’d realized I wasn’t punishing Dad or Finn by avoiding the tail. I was punishing Hernandez, because he was getting in trouble for losing me.
So now I played along. I hated it.
I turned on the water, stripped, and stepped under the stream. The hot water woke me up even more, and I shaved and cleaned up as fast as I could manage with the jungle I’d been growing on my legs. As I dried off, I looked down at my tattoo. I wish I could say I regretted it, but I didn’t. It represented a short period in my life where I’d been happy—really, truly happy—and even if he didn’t love me anymore, he had.
And I’d loved him, too. So freaking much.
My heart wrenched, and I wrapped the towel around myself before making my way back to my room. I passed a few people on the way, but for the most part the halls were empty. When I opened the door, I called out, “You win. I’m no longer a hairy Amazon beast.”
A man cleared his throat. “Uh, that’s good.”
“Riley?” I scanned the room and found him sitting on the edge of Marie’s bed, his cheeks red. “You’re early.”
“You’re naked.” He raised a brow, looking me up and down casually. “Call it even?”
I clutched the towel tighter to my boobs, swallowing hard. It was longer than most dresses, yet I felt horribly exposed. “Uh, where’s Marie?”
“Someone knocked on the door, and she left.” His gaze dipped low again before slamming back up to my face. His gaze heated significantly, making me shift on my feet. “I guess I should do the same so you can get dressed. Or are we wearing towels to this party? I could totally rock that.”
I laughed. “Yeah, you probably could. But I kinda need to get dressed, so…”
“I don’t suppose I could sweet-talk you into letting me stay?” He stood up and crossed his arms. “I make excellent company.”
“Bad boy,” I said, laughing and pointing at the door. “Out.”
He laughed and held his arms up in surrender. “Yes, ma’am.”
“I’ll call out to you when I’m decent
,” I said, grinning.
“You already look decent to me.”
I cocked my head. “Are you flirting with me?”
“And if I am?” He brushed past me on his way to the hallway, his arm rubbing against my bare one. “Would that be so bad?”
I rolled my eyes and closed the door in his face. I couldn’t answer that. Any girl would be lucky to have a guy like Riley flirting with her, but I wasn’t any girl. I might not be with Finn anymore, but I knew I wasn’t ready to fall for someone else.
I wasn’t even sure if I could.
I slipped into my panties, bra, and then slid the dress over my head. It was soft, short, and sexy. For a second, I debated taking it off and changing into my usual jeans and loose T-shirt, but then I shook off the urge. I refused to be that girl anymore. Marie was right—enough was enough. It was time to move on…
Even if I still felt like I was dead inside.
“You can come in now,” I called out, walking up to the mirror where all our makeup was. “I’m dressed.”
As I applied light gray eyeshadow, Riley came back inside and sat down on my bed this time. He whistled through his teeth. “Damn, girl. You look good.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I leaned closer to apply my eyeliner. His gaze dipped down. Oh my God, he’s totally checking out my ass. “Hey. Eyes at face level.”
He met my eyes in the mirror. “They are at my face level. That just happens to be at your ass. It’s a nice one, you know.”
“Sorry to bail, I had to lend my curling iron to—” Marie stopped in the doorway, a smirk on her face as she took in me at the mirror and Riley on my bed. “Oh. Am I interrupting something?”
The OUT OF LINE Series Page 52