It’s weird how I noticed this crap now, of all times.
I knew why. Denial and stress and avoidance and some more denial thrown in for good measure. But I embraced it anyway. It was easier than accepting the truth.
“Here you go.” He held a glass of white, sparkling wine out for me. It looked stupid in a red Solo cup, but I’d opted to grab something we could easily dispose of instead of bringing breakable glass. After he poured himself some wine, he ripped his sunglasses off and tossed them aside. Meeting my eyes, he held his out and said, “To us?”
“To us,” I echoed, tapping his cup with mine before bringing it to my mouth and drinking deeply. Finn threw me a concerned look, then pried it out of my fingers before I could drain it. “Hey, I was drinking that.”
“I can see that.” He set the cup aside and grabbed my hands, squeezing them in between his. “It’s going to be okay. You know that, right?”
I shook my head, my eyes blurring with the tears that I was trying really, really hard to hold back. “Eat your sandwich and stop talking. Or talk about something else. Anything else.”
“This is ridiculous, Ginger.” When I shot him a look, he squared his jaw and looked out over the ocean. I could read the tension in his shoulders as easily as an open book. The fact that he stayed silent for me only made me love him even more, if that was possible. “What kind of sandwich is it?”
“Turkey and cheese. I got it from your favorite deli on Pico.” I scooted closer and grabbed his, opening it up and handing it to him. “It’s just the way you like it. I remembered what you…”
I faded off, not finishing my sentence. I couldn’t talk past my throbbing throat, anyway. I was a word away from breaking down right now.
“Thanks.” He took the sandwich and smiled at me, but it was fake. Fake, fake, fake. “I saw you were at my place last night.”
“I was. Today too.” I opened my own sandwich, swallowing hard. I didn’t think I’d be able to eat a freaking bite with this huge, aching lump currently choking me. “How’d you know?”
“The clothes were back in the closet, and my pillow was on your side of the bed, and you cleaned. Or at least, I think that’s what you were trying to do.”
Your side of the bed. I hadn’t even realized I had one of those. Funny, how you just kind of fall into a pattern, and don’t even know it. “I tried, but that Swiffer thing is weird. I couldn’t get it to squirt the right amount.”
“The batteries might be dead. I’ll check it later.” He chuckled. “And my pillow? What did you do to that?”
I lifted a shoulder. “I might have hugged it all night long.”
“I’ve never been so fucking jealous of an inanimate object as I was that pillow.” He took a bite of his sandwich, chewed and swallowed. His gaze fell on my sandwich. “You aren’t eating.”
I looked down at my sandwich. “Yeah, I am.”
“Eat, or I won’t.” He pushed the hand holding my sandwich up toward my face, his mouth tight. “I can’t be worrying about you eating, Ginger. Come on.”
When he was gone. That’s what he meant.
As if that was the biggest thing he had to worry about? Me eating?
I choked down a hysterical laugh and the lifted the sandwich to my mouth. I took a big bite and chewed, but it might as well have been newspaper for all I cared. It was tasteless and horrible. I barely managed to swallow it down. “I’m eating. See?”
“I see,” he said slowly, his brow up. “You okay, Ginger?”
No, I wasn’t freaking okay. “Yeah, why?”
His brows slammed down. “Gee, I fucking wonder.”
“Wonder away, then, babe.”
I forced a smile, knowing it was killing him to see me be so…down. I needed to snap out of it for him. When he was gone, I could be as miserable as I wanted. But not now. I took another bite, my eyes on him the whole time. He relaxed a little bit and ate his sandwich, never dropping his gaze from me.
“So we’re keeping that nickname, then?”
I lifted a shoulder. “I can’t think of a better one.”
“You could call me sugar daddy,” he said, wiggling his brows. “I give you anything you want, after all.”
I rolled my eyes. “No.”
“Sweetheart?”
“Gross. My mom calls me that.”
He flinched. “Yeah, that’s a no. Umm…” He took another bite, his gaze on the ocean. When he swallowed, he said, “Surfer boy.”
“Cory called you that.”
“You mean Cody.” He hesitated. “Where is he lately, anyway?”
I blinked at him. “Why would I care?”
“I don’t know.” Finn shrugged. “Just curious.”
I took another bite, then set the rest of my sandwich down. I’d eaten half. If I tried to shove anything else down, I might vomit all over him and totally ruin the romantic thing we were both trying so hard to hang on to. Reaching around him, I grabbed my cup and drained it, sighing when the bubbly drink went right to my head.
Thank freaking God for small favors.
He finished his sandwich, refilled my glass, then his. “You ready to talk yet?”
“How was your weekend?” I took a long sip. “Did you get any sleep?”
“Yeah, I did.” He pressed a hand over his forehead and made an impatient sound. “You know that this isn’t going to make it any easier, right?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
I scanned the beach. There was only one other couple here with us now, and the sunset was descending rapidly. Soon, the beach would be dark. And we’d be alone on a dark, crazy beach in this dark, crazy world. I took another long sip, desperate to have a buzz going on before we had this discussion.
Finn cupped my chin and turned my head, forcing me to look at him. “Carrie. Look at me.”
“I can’t. I just…can’t.” I closed my eyes tight, scrunching them shut. “I don’t want to do this.”
“Ginger…” I felt his hand take my cup away, and he pulled me into his lap. “I need you to look at me.”
I rested in between his legs, but facing him, a leg on either side of his hips. I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter, like a kid terrified to open her eyes and see the monster looming over her bed late at night. I couldn’t handle it. Couldn’t handle this. I wasn’t strong enough, darn it.
Wait. Yes, I was. I had to be strong for him. He needed me to be strong.
I took a deep, shaky breath and opened my eyes, my chest moving far too rapidly and my heart echoing in my head so loudly it freaking hurt. I knew what he was going to say, and I knew I was going to lose it. Completely lose it. I rested a hand behind his neck, directly between his shoulder blades, and the other on his shoulder. I nodded, knowing he was waiting. Waiting for me to be ready.
It’s not that I couldn’t handle it. I could. I’d just needed some time.
And I loved him even more for totally getting this about me.
I nodded once. “Go ahead. Say it.”
Finn
This whole fucking weekend had been hell. My C.O. had waited until the last possible second to tell us what was going on, and even then it’d been with reluctance after countless questions. After they poked us with needles for hours, and had given us God knows how many vaccinations, they made us spend all fucking night filling out paperwork. I hadn’t slept at all, but I didn’t want Carrie to know that.
She was already worried enough.
There was no reason she needed to know about how I hadn’t slept since Friday night, and probably wouldn’t be sleeping much at all in the next year. This whole picnic thing was all both bittersweet and ridiculous. The not talking about what we were both so obviously thinking about was even more so.
It was time to just man up and open my fucking mouth. She was ready now.
I closed my hands around the back of her waist, holding on tight in case she tried to bolt or something. Fuck if I knew. I just knew I needed to hold onto her. “I’m going
on deployment.”
She squeezed her eyes shut again, tears streaming down her cheeks, but she didn’t make a sound. She just sat there, her eyes tightly shut like a little kid who was too scared to open her eyes, and didn’t move. I held her, letting her process it all, and tried not to freak out myself. Not because I was scared to go over. I mean…I was a little bit.
But mostly because I wanted her to be okay.
After what felt like fucking hours, she opened her eyes. She looked so resolute and strong, even with wet cheeks and makeup running down her face, that she took my breath away. “Where are they sending you?” she asked, her voice surprisingly steady.
“I’m not entirely sure yet. I’m not even sure that I can say, once I do know.” I rubbed her lower back gently, still not letting go of her. If I had it my way, I’d never let go of her again until I had to walk on that fucking ship. “I think we’re going out on the Cleveland, but I could be wrong.”
She licked her lips, not dropping my gaze. She was so strong. So fucking strong. “How soon?”
“It’s looking like it’ll be after Christmas sometime. It’s still in the early stages, but I know we’ll be doing workups sooner.” I hesitated, not sure how much information I should give her. “We’ll be going to a combat zone, but I don’t know if I will be able to tell you anything else.”
She made a small sound, but clamped her lips together. “I…see.”
“Carrie…”
“I’m fine. We’re fine.” She cupped my cheek with one hand, the other one still pressing against the spot in between my shoulder blades. “I love you.”
I swallowed hard, the emotions inside of me warring with one another. I let go of her and lowered my head, not wanting her to see the tears that welled in my eyes. I wasn’t fucking crying, damn it. I was just moved by her emotions.
But on top of that, I knew it wasn’t fair of me to put her through all this shit. When I’d given her the “I don’t date because of my job” excuse, it hadn’t been one hundred percent truth. I hadn’t even been referring to my job as a Marine.
But now…now maybe I was getting that a little bit better.
Maybe it wasn’t fair of me to do this to her.
“I’m sorry, Ginger.” I closed my eyes and breathed her in. “I know you didn’t sign on for this when we fell in love. I’m sure you weren’t thinking of how this would be, or how you would feel if I went away.”
“I tried not to think about it, but I freaking knew it was possible.” Her fingers flexed on my shoulder. “I’m not as weak as you think I am. I— ”
“Weak? Are you shitting me?” I laughed, the words flowing without a stop valve. “I think you’re the strongest fucking person I know, but I’m terrified to ruin that in you. Scared to ruin you.”
Her eyes flashed at me. “And how the heck are you going to ruin me?”
I should just break it off. Walk away and set her free. But beneath all my brave words and actions, I was a selfish man who didn’t want her to leave me. Who didn’t want to let her go, even if I knew I should. But I had to be honest with her. “I might die. And if I did, then you’ll—”
She made a broken sound, tears filling her eyes again, and smacked me. “You will not die. Tell me you won’t. Promise me.”
My heart wrenched. “I can’t make a promise I can’t keep, Ginger. You know that.”
“That’s why I need you to promise me.” She shook her head, the tears streaming down her face, clinging to my arms so hard it hurt almost as much as my heart did at the sight of her tear filled eyes. “If you say it, I know you’ll be okay. I know you’ll stay safe for me.”
I wanted to give it to her. Wanted to make her feel better. But what if I went and died? I didn’t want the last promise I made her to be a lie. Fuck no. I ducked my head lower, hiding my eyes from her. She was fucking killing me here. “Damn it, I wish I could. But I can’t.”
Her lower lip trembled, but she bit down on it so hard I feared she would draw blood. “Please.”
I buried my face in her neck, hugging her against my chest as best I could. I swallowed hard, my chest and throat tight. “I promise to be diligent and to keep myself as safe as possible. I promise not to be an idiot. I promise not to be a martyr. But most importantly, I promise to fall asleep every night with you on my mind, and wake up smiling because I’m lucky enough to have you in my life.”
And just like that, I broke her. “Finn…”
She let out a shattered sob, her whole body trembling in my arms. She felt so fucking frail and small just now, even though I knew underneath the fragile façade she was stronger than anyone I’d ever met. My heart shattered and I blinked rapidly, my own vision blurring. I couldn’t handle her tears, damn it. “Shit, don’t cry. Not for me.”
“I c-can’t stop,” she wailed, holding me even closer. “I’m s-sorry.”
She was sorry? Seriously. This was all my fault. Not hers. My chest grew even tauter. I wanted to say something, anything, to make her feel better. Anything to make the moment less terrifying for her. Less painful. “I love you, and nothing is going to stop me from coming back here to you. Nothing.”
She drew back and looked up at me. Her eyes were red and the tip of her nose was even redder. It was fucking adorable, even if my heart broke to see her so upset. “I love you too. Just…just do your best. That’s all I can ask.”
I forced a smile. What if I came home crippled or broken or shot? Or what if I came home so fucked up I wasn’t even the man I used to be? The man she fell in love with. Would she still love me then? Would anyone? “I will.”
She took a shaky breath and swiped her hands across her face, trying to get rid of the tears. All it did was smear her makeup worse. “Will you still be able to come home with me for the holidays?”
“I think so.” I twisted my lips into what I hoped was a smile. “As long as I’m not floating in the middle of the ocean for it.”
She tried to smile but failed as horribly as I probably did. “And what will my dad do? Does he know about this?”
“He knows it’s possible I’m going, but I didn’t talk to him yet. I’m sure I’ve got a million texts from him by now.” I dropped my forehead to hers. “This is all just logistical bullshit, really. It’ll all be the same except…I’ll be gone.”
“And Dad will send someone else in your place.” Her lower lip quivered. “Maybe we should tell him I know, and then I’ll tell him to knock it the heck off.”
I cocked a brow even though she couldn’t see me. “Do you think it would work?”
“No,” she admitted. “It didn’t work last time. He sent you.”
“No falling in love with the next one,” I said, keeping my voice light. “I’ll have to come back and kick his ass.”
She chuckled, but it sounded forced. Of course it fucking did. “I promise that won’t happen.”
“And when I’m over there…” I broke off, not sure how to word this in a way that wouldn’t piss her off, but then decided I couldn’t think of a single way. “Just let me know if something changes, you know?”
She stiffened. “Like?”
“Like if you meet someone who isn’t in the fucking desert.” I tightened my grip on her when she started to pull away. “Hey, I’m just saying—”
She squirmed. “Yeah, well, just say it one more time and I’ll punch you so hard in the balls you won’t be able to talk in anything but a soprano for a month.”
I pulled back and looked her in the eye for the first time since she started crying. I finally had myself under control. “It’s just that I love you enough to be able to let you go, if that’s best for you.”
“Being without you will never be best for me.” She pressed her lips together. “No matter what, it’s me and you together—even if we’re apart. Promise?”
“I promise.” I kissed the tip of her still red nose. “It’s us against the world.”
She gave me a small smile. “Right. And together, how could we possibly los
e?”
Her grip on me tightened, and she kissed me. She tasted like wine and tears, and I pressed even closer to her, needing more. Needing so much fucking more.
The night had fallen, and the dark shadows surrounded us, but all I smelled and heard and felt was her. I knew if a threat came close-by, I’d be on my feet in two-point-two seconds, fists swinging. But right now, we were alone on a dark beach. Our beach.
When I’d seen her, in tiny shorts and a striped sweater looking for all the world like she was standing at gunpoint instead of waiting for her boyfriend to come, my heart had stopped. Literally stopped. I would never get used to the way she made me feel.
How much better she made me.
Jen McLaughlin is the New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of sexy New Adult books. Under her pen name Diane Alberts, she is a multi-published, bestselling author of Contemporary Romance with Entangled Publishing. Her first release as Jen McLaughlin, Out of Line, released September 6 2013, and hit the New York Times, USA Today and Wall Street Journal lists. She was mentioned in Forbes alongside E. L. James as one of the breakout independent authors to dominate the bestselling lists. She is represented by Louise Fury at The Bent Agency.
Though she lives in the mountains, she really wishes she was surrounded by a hot, sunny beach with crystal-clear water. Though she lives in the mountains, she really wishes she was surrounded by a hot, sunny beach with crystal-clear water. She lives in Northeast Pennsylvania with her four kids, a husband, a schnauzer mutt, and a cat. Her goal is to write so many well-crafted romance books that even a non-romance reader will know her name.
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Out of Line
Copyright © 2013 by Jen McLaughlin
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, distributed, stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form of by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, without express permission of the author, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages for review purposes, if done so constitutes a copyright violation.
The OUT OF LINE Series Page 63