Everything I Learned about Life, I Learned in Dance Class

by Abby Lee Miller

  For those kids who are naturally talented and have the gift of becoming great athletes, you need to be careful not to push them beyond their limits. I know one parent, a basketball coach, who had his daughter dribbling a ball with her right hand a hundred times and her left hand a hundred times each morning. She was only four years old. The child began to stutter. Her parents, clearly upset, headed to the pediatrician for some answers. Physically, everything checked out, so the doctor asked for her daily routine. Well, after hearing about the basketball practice, he quickly stopped Coach O. in his tracks and explained that she didn’t have a dominant side, because her dad was having her work both left and right equally. Needless to say, his all-star was registered for dancing school the very next day. The closest she came to a half-court was as a cheerleader.

  Every dancer has a good side, but when working with the well-trained ones, you will never be able to tell what side it is.

  When is too much too much? I think parents should let their children lead the way, as far as what activities they want to try. They need to let their kids figure out what they’re going to be good at and how much time they want to invest, and as I previously mentioned, some kids just get it and others don’t.

  Dear Abby:

  My mom is always pushing me to be the best dancer in the studio although my teacher always says I’m one of her best dancers. My mom is driving me crazy! What should I do?

  Perhaps you should sit down with your mom and explain that if you were always the best at everything, then continuing to take lessons to learn would be pointless. It’s good to have other dancers to look up to and to challenge yourself.

  Abby

  YOUR KIDS DESERVE THE VERY BEST

  Finding the best teacher for your child is important. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again: investigate your child’s teachers or coaches the way you would a pediatrician. Dance teachers don’t need a license, unlike a hairdresser or even a dog groomer. Nobody has a say over what I teach or what I do. A health inspector doesn’t visit my studio. Any hands-on activity like teaching dance should be carefully selected.

  Be sure to check out the facility. Is it conducive to the training? In our case, the floors are specifically designed for dance and they are Equity approved. If it’s a track, is it made of the right materials? Is it clay, dirt, or what? What is the facility like? Does all the equipment look up-to-date and top-of-the-line? Is everything up to your standards as a parent?

  Your children are entitled to the very best. Why not give it to them? Maybe they’re not going to do it forever, but if you’re paying money, why take them to a glorified babysitter? Why not take them where they can get a formal education?

  There are kids who come to my studio for a year or five and they don’t end up being dancers, but they got what they paid for, a dance education. They had qualified, certified instructors who knew what they were doing. They had opportunities to get onstage and perform. They even had bus trips to see alumni in various productions.

  Are the instructors themselves continuing their own education? Do they attend classes? Do they attend conferences and seminars? Are they constantly upgrading their teaching techniques? Dance is an ever-evolving, constantly changing art form. Is this studio changing with the times or are they still doing jazz from 1978?

  COMPLEMENTARY ANGLES

  by Mark McCormick

  Raising kids today is a whole lot different from when we grew up. Growing comes more from the mistakes you make than from all of the exciting victories, and parents today don’t let their kids fail—ever. Both Abby’s parents and mine were part of a different generation, solid middle-class people who worked hard, had perfect credit, and wanted more for their children than they had for themselves when they were growing up. Our dads both enjoyed nice cars, a round of golf with the guys, and regular games of gin rummy at Alcoma Golf Club. Our mothers found solace in their Catholic upbringing, while they worked, raised children, and contributed to the PTA all with one hand tied behind their backs.

  Supposedly, we met as toddlers in the kiddie pool, but it wasn’t until tenth grade when our geometry teacher, Mr. Roman, thought it would be a great idea if the guy that sat in front of Abby—ugh, lucky me, McCormick—went over to her house and helped her figure out why two complementary angles are as easy as pie! It is crystal clear today why school wasn’t Abby’s thing; she had somewhere more exciting to be and something else more interesting she could have been doing. We’ve had a lot of laughs, many intelligent conversations, and a few brilliant ideas throughout the years, yet too much time always passes in between. Fortunately, Abby made some good choices along the way. She had to be tough and strong, and she’s all the better for it now.

  As we enter this next chapter of our lives, I am so amazed by what she has accomplished. I was there at the start, back when they only gave out first-, second-, and third-place trophies. I remember how hard the struggle was and how sad the defeat. That is what makes this success all the sweeter. Enjoy it, Abby! You deserve all the wonderful things that are coming your way.

  Mark McCormick is an old friend and the vice president of Abby Lee Apparel. He oversees the development, production, and distribution of all logo wear. Mark is also the general manager in the Sporto Division.

  DEALING WITH ENVIOUS FRIENDS, MOMS, AND TEACHERS WHO JUST DON’T GET IT

  Dance isn’t recognized in public schools like football games on Friday night, and there are no letterman sweaters. Your classmates at school may wonder why you’re not a varsity cheerleader or on the school’s dance team or in the high school musical when you’re this hotshot dancer, acrobat, or gymnast. They don’t get it. But there is something you can do to help: invite your friends to come to the dance studio to watch what you do. And if you’re dead sure you’re going to win a competition, then invite your friends from school, pay their admission fees, and have your mother go pick them up so they can see what you do. That will give them a whole new respect for you and your dancing.

  I urge you to entertain your teachers as well. If there is a talent show at school or in the community, sign up! Show them how talented you really are. One of my professional dancers who performed in the Beauty and the Beast show at Walt Disney World’s Hollywood Studios in Orlando, Florida, was in the talent show at her school every year. She never wanted to participate, but her dad forced her to take part. He was a celebrated math teacher in the high school. He wanted his little girl to get the recognition she deserved. He was a smart guy who had a long-term plan. When his graceful girl graduated, not one principal, guidance counselor, or teacher gave her a hard time about pursuing a dance career before college.

  And that’s with everything, not just dance. It could be bringing your friends from school to your piano recital or golf tournament. Let them see for themselves what it is you dedicate so much of your time to—don’t try to teach them. And if they don’t respect what you do and don’t understand that you can’t go to the sleepover because you have early morning or weekend commitments, then they aren’t really your friends.

  Not getting it and envy are two different things. Let’s break that down. You can still have fun with people who don’t get it. You can have your neighborhood friends, friends in other activities, and school friends. This way you always have someone to go to a Sadie Hawkins dance with. You always have someone to trick-or-treat with, because you can call anyone a good friend. As far as envy goes, never compromise your own dream because you are frightened of someone mocking you, of someone causing you unnecessary stress.

  At the Abby Lee Dance Company, one of our students started dancing when she was older, and she didn’t have a lot of time to commit because she worked. She was inexperienced because she didn’t walk in at four years old, and she didn’t know any dance history, but she worked really hard. That kid doesn’t have good legs, good feet, or good flexibility, but what she does have is a brain. She picks up choreography quickly. On the flip side, you could be book smart and get straight As and tak
e all the accelerated classes, but when it comes to comprehensive choregraphy and learning an entire routine overnight, you fail.

  I think there are envious people everywhere, and I tell my students all the time that when the envious people quit talking about you, that’s when you need to start worrying. Girls are mean, that’s a fact! Girls are going to be nasty, and they want what they can’t have. If you “have it,” that’s when envy comes into play. It’s an ugly disease, yet it’s everywhere. People can ruin their lives by being envious of others. People try to make other people’s lives really difficult when envy sets in.

  You have to let the haters hate and turn the other cheek and stick your nose up in the air while continuing the journey on the road to success. There will always be a lot of envious people, and the tougher your skin can be, and the more you can blow those people off and not give them an ounce of credibility, the better off you’ll be.

  It’s tough. I don’t like having to tell a ten-year-old girl to watch her back because there is a grown person who’s nasty and bitter and envious of her success, but sometimes I have to.

  Dear Abby:

  My daughter has been taking ballet for seven years now and absolutely loves it. The problem is, she is now fixated on losing weight, thinking this will improve her ballet. She wants to be a “skinny” ballerina. She is well within a normal weight for her size and age, and we’re worried she is going to develop an eating disorder with this kind of thinking. What should we do?

  Contrary to popular belief, eating disorders do not originate from dance class, gymnastics, or skating. There’s usually a deep-rooted self-esteem issue such as not wanting to grow up, to develop, or to get your period. (Sadly, some of the most talented people are obsessed with the idea of being perfect. When they look in the mirror, they only see imperfections, so little by little they slip away.) Sometimes parents don’t want to admit there is a problem. Trust your coach; coaches usually see the signs before Mom and Dad do. There’s also not wanting to have the responsibility of driving a car, of being independent, or of making decisions. Or perhaps the child is in a family where she’s never been allowed to make a decision. She doesn’t pick out her own clothes. She doesn’t get to choose what she’s going to do today or where she’s going—her parents control everything. Maybe the only thing she can control is what goes into her mouth or what comes out. Perhaps she is starving for attention. I think it’s important for your daughter to have some role models who are thicker and stronger and healthier-looking ballerinas. Investigate professional companies such as ABT and New York City Ballet. Find some dancers who are taller, broader, and stronger. Get videos and pictures of them. Buy her posters, so she can see that the too skinny, emaciated look has gone away for good.

  Abby

  BALANCING DANCE AND SCHOOLWORK

  There are so many more alternative ways of educating your child today than were available when I was a kid. You need to gather information and investigate your options. I think a lot of time is wasted at school—waiting in line to get on the bus, and then riding the bus home, and stopping at every neighborhood along the way. Waiting in line to go to the cafeteria, buying your lunch, eating your lunch, and giggling with your girlfriends.

  A big story line on Dance Moms this season has been about Melissa’s choice to homeschool her children, Maddie and Mackenzie. Well, let me say my piece. I grew up in Pennsylvania and I am a firm believer in our public education system. However, we have a very strict attendance policy in our public schools. Take it from the kid who grew up with allergies and asthma, who had bronchitis for all of September and October one year, and got to school late with Vicks VapoRub still on her chest. The policy is: thirty days absent and you fail. How would Maddie and Mackenzie, these exemplary students, fly to L.A. to audition for a movie? How would they spend weeks recording a CD? And how would they take additional classes that their school doesn’t offer?

  Also, nobody is letting Melissa teach her children anything, not even Men 101. When I pitched the idea of an alternative education for Maddie and Mackenzie, I proposed that Melissa take the girls to the Carnegie library daily. Have a Carnegie Mellon University computer-engineering major teach them math, science, and computer lessons. Then have a scholarship student from Spain teach them Spanish and another from Japan instruct them in Japanese. Obviously, a professor from the renowned musical-theater program would teach them history and English, and give acting lesson too.

  On the other hand, academic professors say that from kindergarten through fifth grade, every kid should attend school so they learn how to stand in line at the water fountain, how to go through the lunch line, and how to put things back where they found them. This is where they learn how to get along well with others. You learn all of these important things in school, just like in the baby class at dancing school.

  If your kid is going to a traditional public or private school, take time to figure out if he or she is in the right class. Did the AP Calculus teacher happen to see your daughter in the hallway and ask her to join his class because he thinks she has what it takes? Does this scenario ring a bell? Did you, as the parent, call the guidance counselor and request that your daughter be placed in the AP Calculus class? If your child takes four hours to do her homework each night, she’s in the wrong class, because the curriculum was designed for a child who can handle that class. Someone who would only take thirty minutes to do the same homework.

  Some of the kids at my studio are homeschooled and some attend the Cyber Charter School, which is an online educational program. I have a recent graduate who’s nineteen and he was cyberschooled. Things got bad for him when he was in junior high and had a medical issue. It was much easier for him to sit at a computer in the comfort of his home. It made more sense in his case. Now he’s on Broadway in the cast of Newsies, doing eight shows a week.

  As far as balancing their education with dance, you would find that most overachievers and perfectionists do it all. If they’re really on the ball at dance, then they’re generally on the ball academically as well. If they’re lazy, they simply aren’t going to do it. I think time management, which their parents should teach them, is important.

  Do the mothers have a job, a husband, children, get supper on the table, get the kids where they need to be, and make cupcakes for the next day? It’s up to parents to teach their children good work ethics and responsibility. If you live it, then your children will learn it. I guarantee it!

  Dear Abby:

  I’m twelve years old and all I want to do is dance, but my parents want me to take lots of other lessons, like piano and tennis. How can I convince them not to make me do that???

  I would figure out some way to outsmart your parents. Bang on that piano as loud as you can early in the morning and late at night. And there’s only so many times you can forget your tennis racket before the coach is going to tell your mom and dad that he or she doesn’t want you as a student. So drive with your mom all the way to practice, get out, and announce that you forgot your racket or tennis shoes or whatever it is you need to play. The coach is going to say, “She’s not serious, we don’t want her here,” and then you’ll be free to dance.

  Don’t get me wrong—I think there are a variety of activities out there that can make you a better dancer. Playing piano is helpful for your dancing because it teaches you musicality and teaches you how to read sheet music and understand the music you’re dancing to better. You might want to squeeze in a piano lesson once a week. If you want to excel in dance, then my advice is to avoid sports that work against you. Track-and-field activities make your feet go straight ahead, which works against your turnout and this goes against what you’re trying to do in ballet class. Long-distance running is hard on the knees too. Stick to sports that are educational and that you can do for the rest of your life, such as golf.

  Abby

  * * *

  ABBY’S ULTIMATE ADVICE

  Three Key Points to Remember

  1.Luck is that place
where preparation meets opportunity. Work hard and be prepared when opportunity comes knocking—it may be a while before it comes back for another visit!

  2.Start your kids in dance young, and help them find their passion. Encourage them to dream big dreams, and give them the tools they need to pursue them.

  3.Find the best dance instructor and the best dance studio for your child—don’t settle for second best (or worse).

  * * *

  GRANDE FINALE

  You’re Only as Good as Your Last Performance

  I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.

  —Audrey Hepburn

  I WISH I HAD a crystal ball and could tell the future like Zoltar in the Tom Hanks film Big—or like the fortune-teller who read my aura at that charity event a bunch of years ago—but I don’t, and I can’t. I do know that I’ve worked very hard to get where I am today, and that’s not going to stop anytime soon. I have even bigger plans for the future, and I can’t wait to see how everything turns out five, ten, and twenty years from now.

  There’s one thing I do know for sure: I don’t want to die in Pittsburgh.

  Nobody wants to die in Pittsburgh. I cannot die in Pittsburgh and that’s the honest-to-God truth. I can’t go down that way. So when I look ahead to my own future, I see myself doing something that will take me to another part of the country. For example, I would like to design dance costumes for the masses, and also design a line of children’s clothing. I see myself living in Orlando or Miami, or even in Los Angeles—wherever the work takes me. I know that the place I eventually move to has got to be hot and sunny. If I want snow I’ll go to Steamboat Springs, Aspen, or someplace where it’s white and pretty—not gray, dirty, and slushy like the stuff I pay to have removed from my parking lot.