Shan threw the bowl. It struck Nylian between the shoulders and left a splattered trail of vegetable residue as it rolled out of sight. “Sard off, you shitswilling bastard. I was just starting to get my sarding life back in order when you stole me again. You stole my time, my life, my body, my freedom. I have nothing left but my mind and I wish it was more willing to break than it is, because insanity might have made those eons I was alone in the void a little easier. I hate you. Nothing that happens with the end of this physical torture will make me hate you any less.”
“I know,” Nylian whispered, then shuffled out of the solarium.
NYSSANDRIAN AND LYNDARIAN propped Shan up between them as one of the brothers knocked on the door. Shan wasn't sure which. He had been slipping in and out of consciousness ever since they dragged him from the solarium. He didn't know how many ramps they led him down or bridges they carried him across before reaching the unfamiliar door of Shan's suite. He had so rarely seen it from the outside that he could only assume this destination was his.
The heavy door swung open and Marita let out a reflexive shriek. “Shan? Oh, no, no, no, what have they done to you?”
“We didn't do this,” Lyndarian huffed.
“I know exactly who did this, Lyn,” Marita growled. “Inside. Now.”
Marita stood aside so they could drag him into the room. He couldn't see her clearly as his vision swirled between silver and...
He was on his bed, limbs askew and a sharp pain pulsing through his veins.
“Did he black out again?” Nyssandrian asked, concerned.
Lyndarian scratched at the back of his head and shrugged. “Damned if I know.”
“Maybe we should have kept him longer.”
“Oh, hell no.” Marita sat on the bed next to Shan and carefully touched the side of his bald head. “You assholes kept him long enough. I thought for sure he was dead and you were just refusing to admit it to me.” She leaned to the side to kiss his temple. “Shan? Say something. Please.”
Shan slowly rolled onto his back and looked up at her. Her face looked a little different than he remembered, perhaps fuller in the cheeks. “You were my light in the darkness. Without you I would have been lost. Are you real now?”
She grabbed his hand and squeezed it a little too hard. “I'm real. I'm right here.”
“I love you,” Shan whispered, but he wasn't sure if the words escaped his lips as any more than a quiver.
“Marita.” Lyndarian cleared his throat and paced along the side of the bed. “I have written some instructions for you. He needs to remain under this spell to control his pain. If you have any trouble with it or cannot handle it on your own, summon me immediately.”
“Ohhh, what has that dragon bastard done?” Marita mumbled as she took a sheet of paper from Lyndarian. She glanced down at it and shook her head. “This is . . . I can do this, but this is an incredibly powerful spell. He shouldn't even be conscious if this is upon him.”
“I wasn't,” Shan whispered. He reached up to touch her cheek, then let his hand fall to her belly. A strong thump greeted his palm. “You've grown.”
“You've been gone a long time.” Marita set the paper aside and rested her hand over Shan's. “I . . . you hardly look like yourself. Are you still my Shan?”
“That's the only thing I'm certain of.” He rolled his head to the side and glared at Nyssandrian. “Get out of here, Nyx. Go tell your dad to sard off for me, will you? Lyn, you're only ninety percent the shitspitting sardwanker I thought you were. I appreciate that.”
Tears in her eyes, Marita laughed. “You're still you.”
“I don't know for how much longer.”
“Then we'll make the most of it, okay?” Marita shifted and flicked her hand at Lyndarian. “Leave us. Now.”
Lyndarian nodded and left the bedroom. Nyssandrian took one last mournful look at Shan and said, “He's disoriented. If he is still unable to walk by himself in three days, tell one of us. We may be able to help him.”
“You've 'helped' him enough, Nyx. I never want to see either of you near him again.”
Shan held up his hand. “It's okay. They didn't do this. Lyn's spell is helping me. I don't think he wants to hurt me.”
“Do you have any idea what you look like now?” Marita asked as she wept over him. Nyssandrian quietly excused himself.
Shan waited until the suite door clicked shut to reply. “I saw a mirror.”
“You're terrifying.”
“I know.” He pressed his face into her side and kissed her belly. “Are you all right?”
“Am I all right?” Her fingertips tapped against his collarbone.
“I'm not worried about me. I'm worried about you. Did they even tell you where I was?”
“No. All they would tell me was this step was taking longer than expected. I thought that meant he killed you and was too much of a craven prick to admit it.”
“Not quite. Almost.” Shan nuzzled her belly as the child within squirmed. “It feels like eternity and an instant, but I'm here again now. I'm scared that I won't be for much longer. I don't want our baby to grow up without a father, but I don't know what I will be once the final step is complete. I don't know if I'll be me anymore. Maybe I won't even remember who I was.”
Marita sobbed through several breaths. “If it comes to that, I'll still be here for you. We'll make new memories as we try to recover the old.”
“Marita, Marita, Marita, I love Marita.” He smiled up at her, then shifted onto his side so she could lie down with him. He put his arms around her and hesitantly kissed her lips. “I see the horror in your eyes. I'm sorry I'm so difficult to look at.”
“It's not your fault. And I know you're my Shan. I think I need to knit you a hat, though. That will make it a little less jarring. Gods, I hope your hair grows back.”
He shrugged and held her tighter. “Doesn't matter. I understand something now that I didn't before. This mess of a body isn't me. It's just something I exist within. I spent a lot of time alone and deprived of all senses, and my thoughts became clear. I found this beacon in the darkness, this comfort that made everything else bearable. Love. Even memories of love became more powerful than the void, but present love is the most powerful of all. It is my light. You are my light.” He rested his hand over paired kicks. “And so is our child. If this baby ends up growing up without me, either because I die or my mind is lost to the void, please make sure she knows I loved her now, when I was still me.”
“You're not going to die,” Marita whispered, her voice hoarse.
“I don't know what I'm going to do.”
“Are you in pain?”
“No.” He kissed her lips, then her brow. “Keep the spell on me, will you? Where I am now . . . this is more bearable than where I've been.”
Marita reached behind her and pulled Shan's journal off the nightstand. “Your parents have been writing to you. I wrote back to them, but I had to lie. I just want to hold you right now, but I think I need to get up and find you a sponge and some fresh clothes. You smell of parsley and chalk and it's flaring my nausea.”
“Strip me naked, wash the weeks away, and do what you like with me. I'm just relieved to feel your warmth again,” Shan said, smiling as his vision clouded then cleared.
Her tears dripped upon his cheeks as she kissed him. She eased herself off the bed, then reached across the quilt to stroke the back of his arm. “I'll be right back.”
Shan opened the journal, ignored the floating silver spots, and read.
SHAN,
Hi, honey. I hope you're doing all right. We had to leave the Guardian's sanctuary to help some friends, but we're all right. We're on our way to see some old friends, the ones who helped us a couple years ago. Zinnia thinks she's on a grand adventure. She's a lot like you were at that age, and it makes me miss you even more. The twins are healthy and growing well, and Yana is quite excited to see our old friends. Ragan is with us, and I don't think I need to tell you how awkward that
is, but he and Daelis get on well, and I feel safer with him here. It doesn't matter what happened before, we'll always protect each other when necessary.
Oh, and your brother contacted us. He seems to be doing better. He was struggling before he left and I think he just needed some time away from most people so he could get his thoughts in order. My brother was with him for a while, but had to return ahead of him. We hope to see him again soon. And you. Someday I'll figure out how to bring my family back together.
I love you,
Mom
HELLO, RIN.
This is Marita. Shan is with the High King right now and I don't know when he'll return. I'm glad you're doing well. I'm rather lonely without Shan here. This baby is wearing me out, so I sleep a lot right now. It's a feisty little thing, so I anticipate being even more tired once it's born. I hope I get to meet you in person someday soon. Shan speaks so highly of you and I'm eager for you to meet your first grandchild.
Love,
Marita
MARITA,
I'm looking forward to meeting you, too. Daelis has told me about you and assured me you're a good match for our Shan. I think I'm too young to be anyone's grandmother, but I was a bit too young when I had Shan, so maybe I can get used to the idea. How much longer do you have?
-Rin
RIN,
Eight or ten weeks, not long now. I'm due right around Jadeshire's Festival of Blossoms, so about halfway between the equinox and the solstice. The heart of spring is a wonderful time for a baby, I think.
-Marita
MARITA, WHERE IS MY son? It has been two weeks. Has he returned yet?
-Daelis
NO. I WISH I KNEW MORE. I'll have him write to you when he returns, which I hope will be before this baby arrives.
Daelis, you were always kind to me and I'm glad you found someone to love and had a family with her. I didn't expect that the person I fell in love with would be your son, but it seems more appropriate than me marrying you like our families had intended. You're a good person and a great leader, and I wish things had turned out better for you in the Jade Realm. We both know my brother should never have been elevated to Duke.
-Marita
SHAN PULLED THE PEN out of the binding. It took some clumsy maneuvering to arrange it in his sluggish clawed hand and then drag it across the page. Old friends . . . that must be the Foxfire orcs of Sungate. After hearing the contents of Adina's letter, Shan was relieved that his family was away from the Guardian.
HI AGAIN, MOM AND DAD,
I'm sorry I couldn't tell you I was leaving for a while. What I'm working on needs to remain a secret for now, and even Marita didn't know where I was. I'm back now, though.
I'm relieved Tessen didn't completely disappear. He worries me sometimes, the way he works so hard not to disappoint anyone that he ends up a nervous mess. Hopefully his little escape with his friends helped him find some balance. He certainly needs that after everything that happened to him in the Faelands.
Ragan is with you? That's a little strange. He's a good man, and I felt safer with him than away from him, too. Tell him I said he needs a girlfriend. Maybe he can find someone among our old friends who can deal with his shenanigans. I know exactly who you're referring to with them, and it makes me feel better knowing that if you had to leave the sanctuary, you're with Ragan and our old friends.
I haven't seen Zinnia since she was days old and I've never met the twins, but I miss them. Yana, too, of course. Maybe she will come visit us in Anthora someday. There are some spectacularly gifted mages here who would be happy to help her refine her skills.
Marita is wonderful. And Dad, I'm also glad she ended up with me and not you. You and Mom are perfect together. So are Marita and I. I'm kind of a mess, but she understands me. She has so much love in her heart and I can't wait to see her with our baby in her arms. We're not going to follow the Goldtree naming conventions for it. I'm sure you understand why.
I love you and miss you,
Shan
HE CLOSED THE BOOK, and then Marita was at his feet, tugging off the soft, white sleep pants he hadn't even noticed he was wearing.
“Did you lie to them again?” she asked.
He slowly raised his hips so she could slip the pants down his legs. “Of course. She and Ragan would both come for me if they knew even a tiny bit of what is really going on. And I am certain he would kill them.”
“Oh my gods, Shan. Doesn't this hurt?” Marita touched the silver scars spiraling down his legs and winced. “There is so much magic in you. Every scar, every visible vein . . . all this sparkling silver.”
“That's what Lyndarian's spell is for. Green witch spell to numb the agony.”
“Can you feel anything at all?” Marita helped him sit upright, then pulled his shirt over his head. The runic scars on his chest were radiantly silver.
He held her hand to his heart and closed his eyes. “I feel you. I feel your warmth and the softness of your skin. I don't have much of a sense of balance right now so I feel like I'm tumbling, but that should improve over the next few days. I don't really need it right now, aside from needing help getting to the washroom as necessary. There is some pain here and there, but to be honest, I feel decent. Calmer than I've felt in a long time. Just keep that spell on me, please. That's how you're going to keep me here with you as long as possible.”
She ran her fingertips along the edge of the resilience pendant hanging around his neck. “You are the strongest person I've ever known. I hope our baby inherits that from you, because Light knows I don't have a fraction of your strength and right now I'm struggling not to cry.”
“You can cry. I know my appearance is upsetting.”
“But none of this hurts, right?”
Shan opened his eyes. He nudged her jaw until her teary eyes found his. “It doesn't hurt.”
Sniffling, she ran a damp sponge along his shoulder and down his arm. She wiped away the first round of tears and said, “Then I'm going to wash this awful smell from you. And then I'm going to lay you back down and gently and awkwardly make love to you. I'm still afraid I'm going to hurt you and I have no idea how to position this belly, but I've missed you so much I can't bear to go any longer without touching you.”
Shan laughed and leaned against her. “You're my light, Marita. Touch all you want.”
25
Tessen
Misty gray fog collided with the crashing waves. Tessen rode Abandon down the beach, salt spray in his hair and a chilled wind upon his skin. It was unseasonably cold for early spring in southeastern Bacra, and they wouldn't be able to leave Auberline until the water warmed enough for the reefwalkers to leave their Azure Coast breeding grounds and travel northward to colder and more hostile waters.
Tessen didn't mind the extra time in Auberline. The manor was quiet, the company was calm, and no one bothered him during his morning shore rides. He needed that time to purge himself of any gathered emotions and reset his mind enough to survive the rest of the day.
A splash and a slosh sounded behind him as Serida jumped through a wave. She often remained at the manor, asleep at Kemi's feet, but today she woke early to frolic with the crabs and foam.
Abandon nickered and trotted around a horse-sized clump of beached seaweed. There were many such clumps on the beach this morning, perhaps agitated ashore by a pending storm. Tessen hadn't been in the Azure Realm long enough to guess at the weather. In the Jade Realm, fog was usually just fog and not a sign of a gathering maelstrom.
Find a crab, eat a crab, Serida said and Tessen heard a sickening crunch.
“Is that your favorite right now? Crab?” he asked. He pulled Abandon to a halt, then dropped to the sand to examine the debris around a Y-shaped driftwood log.
No. I like the pink and orange fish best. The kind Iefyr smacked you with.
“Urzal said they're called 'Auber Bay kissing fish'. They have an odd, bitter flavor so people don't generally eat them.”
I think they're
delicious. Serida gulped the remainder of her crab and joined Tessen by the log. What are you looking for?
“Nothing. I just like to look at the things the tide washes up. Tell me if you see any sea glass. I'm collecting it to make something for Kemi.” Tessen's upper back ached as he crouched to pick up a flat stone with a hole bored through the middle. “And these. Adder stones. Witches sometimes use them for spells, but some non-magic people just consider them good luck.”
Serida pressed her snout between Tessen's shoulders and huffed. Your spine pains you again.
“I don't think those fractures healed quite right. Oh well. Physical pain is an irritation. The pain of my mind is more vexing, but I haven't felt much of that for months, so I'm feeling the back more than usual today.”
You don't like to admit when you're in pain.
“No one does.” He picked up a smooth stick half the length of his body and used it to prod the white sand. “Pain like this is something you need to learn to live with or it twists you while it consumes you. I suppose the same is true for my empathic pain.”
Serida flipped over a large sea snail shell. The hermit crab within retracted and she knocked it beneath the log. Those ones don't taste good. Too crunchy, then too chewy past the crunch.
“Do you ever stop eating?” Tessen asked.
I'm growing. I've nearly doubled in size this year. Serida looked up at him and whipped her glowing tail through the mist. Taking a mate has helped you control your pain. I had hoped I could help because I was the one who caused your magic to strengthen, but she was the one you needed.
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