«Anyway, Mordegan said it would take some time to free you, but he promised he would. And he did. He's always been good with impossible odds. Except . . . when it comes to reefwalkers, I suppose. He kept his word and now you're safe and with me. But gods damn it all, I miss him.» Tears in her eyes, she held her hand to her mouth and gazed at the night sky behind Benny. «I'm sorry. Ragan, I'm so sorry.»
“Ragan?” Benny twisted around to see a pair of long legs behind her. She looked upward to see the flick of a fluffy, tawny-blonde tail. The gentle waves and wind through the trees had masked his quiet approach. Benny carefully shifted Radella's head off her knee and onto the grass, then stood to embrace her brother. “You made it. I'm so glad you made it.”
“I had to pretend to be an orc for most of it so I wouldn't be killed on sight, but I'm here,” Ragan said, his voice hoarse. Tears gathered in his vivid blue eyes. Benny had forgotten how much he looked like their father. “And you're here. I didn't think I'd ever see you again, not when we couldn't find you. I know what happened to you now, Benny. Gods damn it, if those sardlicking Nightshadows were still alive they'd be answering to me for what they did to you and Shan.”
Benny reached up to brush the tears from his freckled cheek. He was over two hands taller than her, and less wiry than he'd been in his mercenary days. “That's over now. We're safe here. Belda and our youngest siblings are here, too. I don't know where any of the half-orc Vales are, but they were always better at taking care of themselves than we were so I'm not worried about them.” She looked down at Radella, who yawned, but remained asleep. “This is my daughter, Radella. Your niece. She'll be getting a little brother or sister herself toward the end of autumn. Your lovely friend Iefyr helped with that, not long after I married him.”
“Iefyr . . . good choice.” Ragan's smile turned to a pained frown as he noticed the stone behind Berra. “Dad didn't make it, did he?”
“No. He broke me out of prison, dragged me across the whole of southern Bacra, reunited me with my mothers and daughter, survived a Fae ambush, and then fell beneath the strike of a reefwalker two days before we landed here. Ragan, I wish you'd gotten to see him again. He was so excited for you to find your way here. You were always his favorite. You know that, right?”
“I wasn't his favorite, just his first,” Ragan said, his voice full of tears.
“You were the reason he chose to create the rest of us. He was always so proud of you,” Benny whispered. She pulled his head down so she could kiss his cheek and nuzzle his nose. “I love you, big brother. This is our home now, and I'm so glad you're a part of it.”
The head of a small white and pink dragon popped out of Ragan's hood and let out a soft, “Peep?”
His lips trembling, Ragan reached up to stroke the dragon's neck. “This is Cadriel. Given to me as an insult by that dragon bastard, the High King himself, but I love this little guy. Thought he was all I had for a while, but I was wrong. I have a lot, especially now.” He sniffed and looked down at the grave marker. “And I've lost a lot. Benny, Berra, do you two mind giving me a few minutes with him? I need to . . . I thought I would be saying hello again, but instead I need to say good-bye.”
«You're still a sweet boy, Ragan. I want you to know that no one will ever look down on you here. Your father became who he was because of you. He was the delinquent kid everyone thought would end up at the gallows, but then he had you. He loved you so much. He wanted you to see how what everyone else thinks is a mistake can be turned into a blessing. You were that blessing to him, Ragan. You inspired him to better himself.» Berra brushed stray grass off her hands, then bent to touch Radella's shoulder. The little girl's dark eyes fluttered open. Berra smiled and pointed at Ragan. «See that man? He's your Uncle Ragan. He's fantastic, and he's going to be living here with us now.»
Ragan held his hands forward as his trickle of tears became a flood. «I'm happy to be here. I just wish Dad was here, too.»
Berra stood upright and patted the back of his hand. «He is here, Ragan. He'll always be here. We'll leave you to talk to him. I know he's listening.»
«Thanks, Berra.» Ragan walked past her and knelt on the grass.
While Radella found her bearings, Benny embraced Ragan from behind. She avoided the dragon to kiss the back of his neck, then whispered. “We have a room ready for you in the big house. Come find me when you're ready and I'll help you get settled. We're working on building more houses, but they're not ready yet. Both of us were lost, for a very long time and for very different reasons. I think we'll be stronger now that we're together again. You may not think you were Dad's favorite, but you certainly are mine. I love you, Ragan, and you're not alone.”
Ragan set his trembling hand over hers. “Love you, Benny. Go get your girl in bed. We'll have a lifetime to talk later.”
Benny held Radella's hand and led her toward the settlement. Berra walked next to them, silently counting off some unknown tally on her fingertips.
«What's that?» Benny signed, then returned her hand to Radella's.
«Oh, just thinking about which of my girls might be a good match for your brother. Too bad Laladar wasn't one of the ten who remained. I think she would have liked him. The others . . . I don't know. Only three didn't bring someone with them. Even so, maybe one of the others will be open to an arrangement like you have. Let's wait and see.»
Benny turned her head away and coughed, “Meddling old sea cow.”
The commotion ahead caught her eye. So many people, milling about, gazing around with luminous, uncertain eyes set within shimmering faces.
«Oh!» Berra halted and her jaw tensed. «So many. We have a lot of work to do. That's okay. I like building. They're beautiful people, aren't they? Didn't expect so much color variation.»
«The Varaku bred them so they could harvest their skin when their lives were spent. It's horrible. I've never seen Uldru like this. They're healthy, happy. Free. I think this is their sanctuary, not ours, Mom.»
«Maybe it should be.» Berra's mouth fell open as she caught sight of a human woman with short, curly black hair and a baby on either hip. «Bless my waves, that's Rin Sylleth.»
«Goldtree. She married the Duke's son, remember?» Benny watched Rin set one of the babies in Kemi's reaching arms and the other on Tessen's lap. «I'm glad she's here. Tessen needs her. I think Kemi does, too. Look, there's Juna. Do you see the girl next to him? The golden one? No one else looks like her. I think she must be Hael. I didn't realize she'd be so young. She can't be any more than sixteen.»
The girl's ears perked. She left Juna and walked straight to Benny and Berra. She smiled with a mouth full of slightly-pointed teeth, then said, “Hello. Are you Benny?”
“Yes. Are you Hael?” Benny asked.
The girl's grin spread as her eyes traveled across Benny, Radella, and Berra. Of all the Uldru here, she was the only one radiating contentment rather than wariness. “I am Hael.” She motioned toward a dark-haired, silver-skinned boy nearly as tall as herself. “That's my brother, Elan. I know about you. Juna and Ragan told me. Ragan is my friend, but sometimes he acts like he's my father. Thank you for inviting us, Benny and Berra. I think this place is safe. I think it's what we need.”
“I'm glad we could help you and your people,” Benny said gently. This felt right, giving a home to Uldru refugees. They deserved it.
Hael nodded and walked back into the Uldru crowd.
«So young. Beautiful child. I wonder who she'll become,» Berra said.
«We'll get to find out,» Benny replied.
Radella dashed away from her to join Radamar and Iefyr by the fire pit. Someone had dragged out a second cauldron and a young elf with silvery-blonde hair and features similar to Kemi's was happily filling it with chopped vegetables.
Benny pulled up a crate and sat next to Radamar. He was frail and thin, but his coloring was improving now that he could finally eat properly again. Benny held his hand while Radella clambered onto Iefyr's lap. Benny knew she prefe
rred to cuddle with Radamar, and she spent most nights sleeping next to him, but she didn't want her energy to hurt him while they were awake.
Iefyr nodded toward the cooking elf. “That's Adina. Kemi's sister.”
“Sister?” Benny asked. She hadn't been certain if the androgynous-looking elf was male or female, but she didn't think Kemi had any living sisters of this one's age.
“Yes. Didn't know that about her, but can't say I'm surprised. The Uldru aren't the only ones thriving with their newfound freedom. I heard she lost her dragon on the way here, though, so be gentle with her. There is devastation hiding behind that little smile.”
Radamar squeezed Benny's hand. Orange fire flashed in his eyes as he smiled at her. “I can barely move and it still hurts to breathe, but I've suddenly found myself surrounded by free Uldru and some people who decided for whatever nonsensical reason that they love me. It's surreal. The only thing keeping me from floating away is the glare my cousin keeps sending over to me. I don't know if a bridge can span that chasm. I tried to kill him and instead left him with a useless left arm. I'm not sure if he knows that was me or if he is only giving me that look because he knows I'm related to him.”
Iefyr shrugged, then nestled his chin in the tangles of Radella's hair. “Daelis is good at surprising people. I think you should tell him what you did and apologize for it. Even if he decides not to forgive you, it will help you. Look around us, Radamar. This is the redemption you've been working toward. You can't fix the past, but you've done a damned good job atoning for it.”
“You're not a shadow anymore, my Radamar. Now you're a beacon.” Benny leaned over him for a long, deep kiss. He tasted of mint and fresh summer strawberries. She giggled as she brushed her lips along his earlobe. “You are delicious. Now tell me, where are you hiding these strawberries?”
“Urzal has them,” he whispered, his hand combing through the curls at her nape. “Kemi ate the entire last bowl she picked, so she hid these and sneaked a few to me. She said she's just trying to put some weight back on me.”
“You could use that. I'm afraid I'll break you.” Benny kissed his temple. “But now I really want those strawberries.”
Radamar gave a breathy laugh. “You craved them with Radella, too. It was winter, so I had to teleport into three different Azure Realm greenhouses to find some for you.”
Benny sat back and narrowed her eyes. “You didn't even like me then.”
“I liked you more than you think. I'd just never been taught how to express it.” He relaxed as he twisted a strand of her hair around his fingertips. “I loved you then, but I didn't recognize what it was until you were taken from me. No matter what the nightmares try to tell us, you won't be taken from me again. It's the three of us now—you and me and Iefyr, and our children—and we'll use all that love to fight the nightmares away. It protects our hearts in ways no blade or armor ever could.”
“Gods, I love you,” Iefyr said, grinning.
“Strange feeling, isn't it?” Radamar said, pursing his lips. He patted the back of Benny's hand and his pout broke into a weary grin. “You'd better go get your strawberries before Urzal eats the rest.”
32
Shan
Hey, Shannon.
This is Ragan, in case you're reading this before I finish writing. Your mom passed the journal to me so I could write to you, but now I'm sitting here in shock and I don't know what to say. I love you, Shannon. I know you hate when I call you that, but to be truthful, I always loved your name. When I was a kid I used to pretend my toys were my children. My favorite was a plush squirrel named Shannon. Carried that thing with me everywhere for years. Always thought that if I ever had a son, I'd use the name for him. Seemed like a bit of fate when I ended up with your mom, like your name was a sign that I had found what I needed. Didn't turn out so well, but life never does.
Damn it, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Marita was my friend, and my mind is on fire just trying to work my way through these thoughts. The only thing I'm grateful for in all of this is that your little boy is healthy and she got to spend some time with him. Not enough time. Grief is such a fickle little asspony. You'll find that sometimes it rears up and kicks you in the face when you least expect it. And then you feel like kicking back at anyone who tries to tell you that it's been long enough and you should have moved past it. Grief isn't something that can be fixed or moved on from, it just becomes part of you. If you run from it, it chases you, but if you embrace it and use it as a way to preserve the good memories, it can bring you some melancholy comfort. Tessen taught me that.
I'm going to ask your mom to let me borrow this book from time to time. I want to write some memories down in it, little things to tell Maritan about his mother. If we ever manage to find Iefyr, I'll have even more stories. He's the one who found her haunting the redwoods and brought her to me. I guess I'll start you off with that.
It was raining when I met her. Door to the teahouse opened and here stomps in Iefyr and this waif of a girl, both covered in mud. I thought maybe he'd found himself a girlfriend and they had a mud wrestling kink or something, but it turned out Iefyr's horse had spooked at the lightning and thrown them. Damned Rakas is a chicken of a horse. We brought him with us for this little jaunt and he jumps more than any orc-bred should.
So, I yelled at them because I'd just mopped the floors, then I made them go out back so I could toss a bucket at them. I figured out what Marita was as soon as the mud came clean of her arms. That sort of tattooing only comes on forest elves. She didn't look like a forest elf, more of a chaparral elf, and judging by quality of the tool belt revealed under the muck, she was either highborn or a thief. Dripping wet, she took my arm and led me into the residence while Iefyr tried to scrape mud out of everywhere. She told me she knew who I was and who I worked for, and then she told me exactly who she was and asked if I'd train her. She wanted to take down her own family. I'm sure she told you why. She told me, too, because I thought she was sarding with me at first. So I took her on. I trained her, got her proper papers with her new name, sent her with Iefyr and Nador on a couple little missions. She was
Hold up, something's going on. Air feels funny. I'll get back to you later.
Love you,
Ragan
SHAN,
We need to leave the journal behind. We just figured out it's being used to track us.
Damn it, I don't want to do this. This is abandoning you to protect ourselves and it makes me feel like the worst mother in the world. I want you here with me, safe in my arms. I want to know my grandson. I want you to know your sisters and for your son to know the cousins he might eventually have. I thought for a while that if we couldn't be together, at least we could write to each other. I'm a bad person. I'm abandoning you and I'm a horrible person for it. I love you so much. I miss you, and I'm so very, very sorry. Please forgive me.
Love,
Mom
SHAN,
Your mother is not a horrible person and I'll be working to convince her of that. I know how much she loves you and has always loved you. She told me about you the same day she figured out she was pregnant. She cornered me and said, “I'm carrying your baby, and you can't convince me not to go through with this pregnancy because I already love it. I want this baby, this specific baby. I've never seen it. I don't know who it is or what it looks like. I just know it's ours and I love it.” I wish I'd felt the same. I was scared and stupid, and I spent months trying to pretend you didn't exist until you couldn't be ignored anymore, and then I panicked and abandoned you both. We've already talked about this at length and I'm still sorry.
I love you now and will for always, even though I have to disappear from you again. I've never met Maritan, but I love him. Never give up on us, please. We're going to try to find a way to communicate with you. I don't know how that will work if you can't leave Anthora and we can't go there, but I promise you, we'll be trying. Maybe we'll find ourselves with some magic-skilled people who can help us.
Dad
SHAN,
I miss you. Thank you for taking me out of the underground, trying to protect me from the bad people, and helping me learn about the world. It's a good world, but sometimes people make it ugly. Kiss your baby for me. Maybe you'll get to kiss one of mine someday.
Love,
Yana
HEY, SHANNON.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Might burn a hole in the paper if I keep writing 'shit'. I don't have time to write any more stories in this particular book, so I'll find another to write them down in, one that's not got any enchantments on it. I'll keep my language cleaner since I'm writing it for Maritan. If we find Iefyr, I might have to remind him to tone down the profanity for his contributions, but you know him. Some of that Pearl Realm cursing is bound to slip. I know where you are, so I'll try to mail it to you when I'm done. I don't think Rin and Daelis have realized yet that we can just arrange to have things sent out by post. You won't be able to send anything back and it's not anything we can do very often, but at least it's something.
We need to bury this thing now and keep moving. So sorry about that. This came on unexpectedly. I'm watching out for your family. I'll do everything I can so nothing happens to your parents or any of your cute little sisters. I know, I know, it's awkward. It's okay. They're worth the trouble.
I love you, kid. Take care of yourself and that baby. If it's ever safe for me to travel within Bacra again, I'll head to Anthora and check on you.
–Ragan
NO. PLEASE. COME BACK.
Mom? Dad? Anyone? Please?
I can't do this alone. Maritan and I are alone now. Just alone. Come back. I don't think I can survive this. I have to. Maritan needs me. He needs someone. Maybe not me. Where are you? If I knew where you were, maybe I could figure out how to take him to you.
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