Lean On Me (Take My Hand)

by Nicola Haken

  “You know…” I began as we rounded the corner. “I’ve never met any of your other friends. So either you’re keeping them a secret or you don’t have any. You’re not some kind of creepy, loner, serial killer are you?”

  “Well I have been known to massacre a cornflake or two in my time.”

  “You’re such a loser.” I couldn’t see his face but I could almost feel his smiling eyes boring into the back of my head.

  “I have friends,” he continued. “But they’ve all grown up I suppose. They’re all settling down with girls and babies and shit.” That was one of those moments where I was reminded just how much older Jared is than me.

  “And don’t you want that, old man? Babies and shit?”

  “Sure I do.” Whoa… why wasn’t I expecting that answer? More importantly, why did my heart feel like it was having a party in my chest? “I’ve just never met anyone I wanted to do that with. Until now.”

  No way did he just say that. No. Fucking. Way… was he mentioning babies and shit, and me in the same sentence.

  “Let’s start there,” I said, pointing towards a bar called Beatz and purposely changing the subject before my cheeks combusted, my heart exploded and my nerves disintegrated.

  **********

  Three hours, two bars and a pub later… we ended up back at Beatz. We found a free table and decided to stay there for the rest of the night because the whole city was hammered with people celebrating the New Year. Jared and I were just the right side of drunk. We weren’t wasted, but were easily tipsy enough to forget the awkwardness that had been looming over us lately.

  Or was that just me?

  “Can I ask you something personal?” Jared asked, slurring only slightly as he folded his arms across the table and leaned towards me.

  “Shoot.”

  “I hope I’m not being disabledist…” Disabledist? He can be so stupidly adorable. Or rather, so stupid it’s adorable. “But can you, you know… feel stuff down there?” His gaze dropped to my crotch and if I hadn’t been bordering on drunk, I probably would’ve slapped him. “Is that a stupid question?”

  “It’s not stupid,” I confirmed with a small laugh. “And it’s not ‘disabledist’ either. I have what’s called an incomplete spinal cord injury. That means I still have some sensory function in random places below the waist. Luckily for me, down there is one of them,” I clarified with a wink. What was I doing? I was bloody flirting with him! Ah well, we weren’t planning to stop drinking any time soon so neither one of us would probably remember tomorrow. “But it’s not like that for everyone. People with complete spinal cord injury can’t feel anything at all.”

  “Wow,” he muttered. “Poor bastards.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed, shaking my head and sniggering.

  “So you can…you know?” He stopped mid-sentence and bit his bottom lip. Dear God how I wished that was my lip between his teeth.

  Stop it! I mentally scolded myself.

  “Oh, baby… you wouldn’t believe the things I can do,” I answered, leaning closer to him.

  Seriously… stop it, stop it, stop it!

  “I have very strong arms that can lift me into all kinds of positions.”

  Fuck it. I give up. As you were…

  “And if you stand up, my mouth is at just the right level to blow your fucking mind… among other things.” Jared swallowed forcefully and shifted in his seat before sliding his chair closer to mine and pressing our noses together.

  “Rachel… I have never wanted to be inside of a girl so much in my whole life as I want to be inside you right now. Let me take you home. Let me have you before the New Year begins, and if when it does you still just want to be friends… I’ll back off, I promise.”

  Oh, sweet Jesus, I’d never wanted to be able to cross my legs so badly. It was the only thing I could think of that might dull the violent throb between my thighs.

  “Please, Rachel. Let me fuck you,” he whispered hoarsely into my ear before nibbling on my lobe. How did he make such crude words sound so incredibly beautiful? Must be the alcohol…

  “Okay.” I rushed the word out before I had a chance to change my mind. Just one night then we could be ‘friends’ again? I could do that. It might even be beneficial to get it out of our systems. Maybe it would kill Jared’s curiosity (because that’s all it was, right?) and I would be able to stop obsessing over these stupid, nonsensical feelings all the damn time.

  Yeah, the more I thought about it, the more I decided this was exactly what we needed to do.

  Just. One. Night.

  Jared called for a wheelchair accessible taxi to take us back to my place but after waiting for nearly twenty minutes, he got impatient and started pushing me home. It was only a ten minute walk away but it was one of the most nerve-wracking ten minutes of my life. I’d never been so aware of my own heartbeat, I’d never felt so hot despite the frigid December air and I had never had so many nerves fluttering around inside my belly. Forget butterflies, I had a herd of a thousand tiny elephants stamping around in there.

  We didn’t speak the whole way home and I’m pretty sure it was the longest time we’ve ever been in silence together without being passed out from drinking too much. I’d done this before – been home with a guy. So why was I so nervous? Actually fuck nervous, I was almost petrified. I had the most distorted fear that I was about to let him down. What if I was too much for him? Too overbearing? Jesus Christ, what if I wasn’t enough? What if I made him nervous or afraid to touch me? Fuck, what if he pitied me?

  I’d always been so confident in the bedroom department, possibly to the point of being over the top. Maybe that’s because, as with everything, I’ve always felt this need to prove myself – prove that I’m not hindered by these damn legs of mine.

  Before tonight I’ve been safe in the knowledge that guys dig the fact I take control. If I focus entirely on them and what they want, they’ll be too busy reeling from what I’m doing to them to worry about me or what I’m capable of. If I’m giving them the time of their life, they won’t have time to feel sorry for me, or even worse… be fascinated by me. I can’t bear to be looked at like I’m some kind of circus animal, and yes, some dickholes really do do that.

  Tonight felt so different and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why. Could it be because I knew I would see Jared again regardless of us remaining just friends? Maybe that was it… could we really continue our friendship after sleeping together?

  I guess I was about to find out…

  When we reached my flat and after fumbling around in my bag for my keys for what seemed like an hour, I found myself in my bedroom. I don’t remember the journey from the front door to my room because I had my eyes closed. That was the only way I could slow my heart before it jumped up into my throat and choked me to death.

  Somehow I found enough brain-hand coordination to apply my brakes after Jared released the handles on my chair beside the bed. I’d never felt like this before. My veins were buzzing as my blood coursed through them, my pulse throbbed so quickly it made me feel lightheaded and I’m pretty sure if I happened to have functioning legs, they would have given way in that moment.

  If I hadn’t have felt so stone-cold sober, I would’ve sworn I was drunk.

  My breath hitched when Jared dropped to his knees in front of me. I knew my hands were trembling on top of my knees but I couldn’t look down at them to confirm it because my eyes wouldn’t leave his.

  We hadn’t spoken to each other in the longest time and just as the intense silence began bordering on uncomfortable, Jared placed his hands on my knees, leaned forwards and brushed my lips with his so gently I might not have felt it if I hadn’t seen him coming.

  “One night,” I murmured against his lips. I wasn’t sure if I was reminding him or trying to convince myself. He didn’t reply, choosing instead to smile against my mouth before running his tongue across my bottom lip. “I don’t want to lose you,” I said in my mind…

  Or
so I thought.

  “You’ll never lose me, Rachel. Whatever happens after tonight, I’m right here.”

  God, how I want to believe that…

  Thankfully my thoughts stayed inside my head that time, possibly because when I felt Jared’s lips part against mine my tongue dipped into his mouth of its own accord. I teased and licked at the corners of his mouth as my tongue danced with his, drinking in the taste of him. I didn’t realise my fingers had wandered to his shirt and started un-popping the buttons until he backed away slightly, looked down to his chest and then looked up at me with a wicked smile broadened across his face.

  Almost immediately he jumped to his feet and before I could second-guess his next move I was moving in his arms. Tucking one arm under my thighs and one around my back, he lifted me effortlessly from my chair and lowered me gently onto the bed. Every so often I would think about making my move… about taking control… but it was almost like more than my legs were paralyzed. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. I take control. I have to. What am I if I’m not in control? Weak, vulnerable…

  But I was frozen in some kind of mesmerized trance, unable to take my eyes off his face as I stared at him in bewildered anticipation.

  After lying me backwards on top of my bed, Jared hovered himself over me and tucked his hands inside the waistband of my jeans.

  “I want you naked quickly,” he whispered hoarsely as he started tugging them down my legs, taking my black lace knickers with them. “But don’t think that means it will be over quickly. If you’re only giving me one night, I plan on taking my time with you.”

  “Jared,” I breathed before realising I was unsure of what I even planned to say.

  This scene wasn’t playing out right. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t ‘wrong’ per se, just… different. Unexpected. Forgive my bluntness, but experience told me he should’ve been grabbing at my hair while playing cock tennis with my tonsils by now. He should’ve been growing impatient, itching to get inside me to finish himself off. Instead, he was just staring hungrily at the newly exposed flesh of my stomach as he teased my shirt up and over my head as if he had all the time in the world. The most fascinating thing? He hadn’t even been touched yet but somehow his green eyes smouldered like he was getting exactly what he needed.

  Jared’s eyes glossed over my body before he smiled, leaned down and began kissing a trail up to the cups of my bra. He groaned against my breasts as he pulled the flimsy fabric down and they sprang free. His eager mouth was ready and waiting to catch them and when he took my nipple into his mouth and sucked gently, a deliciously violent shiver shot down my spine.

  “I’ve dreamt about teasing these nipples a thousand different ways,” he whispered in a husky voice that vibrated through my skin and sent ripples of something unfamiliar trickling through my insides.

  After reaching behind my back and unclasping my bra, he licked and teased each nipple in turn while palming the soft flesh surrounding them with his hands for what could’ve been hours. At some point during that time he managed to shed his own pants without me noticing and now lay on top of me wearing nothing but an unbuttoned shirt.

  Lifting himself off me, he fell back on his heels and I almost choked on the gasp I tried to keep hidden inside. That was the moment I realised I’d never seen Jared shirtless before. I knew from the way some of his t-shirts hugged his chest that he was a fit guy – though lean… athletic you could say. Gawping unashamedly at his bare flesh when he shrugged his white shirt from his shoulders, my mouth dropped open slightly as my eyes followed each and every perfectly defined line contouring the delectably flawless muscles from his chest, right down to the delicious ‘v’ of his hips.

  “Like what you see?” he teased with a wicked grin. I just nodded after being rendered literally speechless. “Well you’re gonna like what you’re about to feel even more.” I felt my hips tremble in anticipation and then Jared leaned across me, reaching towards the drawer in my bedside table and pulling out a condom. “Lucky guess,” he muttered proudly before I had chance to ask how he knew where I kept them.

  He leaned back on his heels again and I couldn’t stop myself from staring at his fingers in awe as he rolled the condom down his length from tip to base, like it was the most magnificent thing I’d ever seen. Once it was snugly in place he palmed himself up and down a couple of times, and then using one of his knees, he parted my legs one at a time and nestled himself in between them.

  “Jared I can’t…” I was about to tell him (well, remind him) that I couldn’t lift my legs, but he placed a finger over my lips and smiled.

  “I’ve got you, baby,” he assured as if he knew what I was thinking. Then, tucking a hand under each of my thighs, he lifted my legs and anchored them around his waist - never letting them go as he slid himself excruciatingly slowly inside of me. “Holy fuck, Rachel…” he groaned, forcing his legs slightly apart so his hips could take the weight of my legs.

  I gasped loudly when, still anchoring his hands under my thighs, he thrust into me once again – still slowly, but a hell of a lot deeper.

  “Oh my God,” I whimpered, feeling the spasms of an orgasm threatening to explode deep inside my core.

  Already? Holy hell…

  “This feels so… so… right. Perfect,” Jared breathed, still torturing me with slow, teasing thrusts. He was right. This was right. I had never felt anything close to this level of connection with another person but a small bubble of fear ballooned in my throat, preventing any words of agreement escaping.

  Keeping his strong arms by his side to support my legs, Jared’s pace gradually picked up, driving faster and harder into me as I clawed at his firm chest. Every so often he would bend forward and kiss me, groaning into my mouth and then moving to my neck, my shoulders and my breasts.

  “You feel… So. Fucking. Good,” he cried out between thrusts. “Tell me you like it too. Tell me you like feeling me inside you.”

  “Yes. Oh God… yes!” The build was growing stronger. What started as a faint hum in the pit of my belly had swelled and spiralled, plunging between my legs and increasing in intensity every time I felt Jared slam back into me.

  “It’s like I was made to fit inside you. Nothing has ever felt this good. Nothing. No one. Only you.”

  Oh God…

  “Tell me this isn’t the last time, Rachel. Say I can have you again.”

  “Y-Y…” The word was on the tip of my tongue but something was stopping it from rolling off.

  “Say it, Rachel! I need more of this. More of you. Tell me I can have you!”

  “Yes!” I whimpered. My body was trembling… hungry… desperate. I would’ve agreed to sell my own grandma in that moment. “Jared, I…” I wasn’t going to be able to contain it much longer. The faint hum had ballooned into a raging fucking disco and the speakers were just one decibel away from blowing. “I-I… oh fuck, Jared I’m…”

  “I know, Rach. I’m right there with you, baby.” Somehow he started urging himself into me impossibly and deliciously faster. Then when I felt the heat of his warm tongue flick against one of my nipples, I threw my head back and fell apart beneath him. “That’s it. Let it go, baby.”

  Seconds later he started swelling and pulsating inside of me, making my already intense orgasm, absolutely fucking mind-blowing.

  “Fuck!” he growled upon his last thrust while I lay a helpless, trembling puddle of mush beneath his beautiful, glistening body. Then, rendered weak from the rush of pleasure, I felt my legs drop to the mattress and Jared settled himself on top of me, burying his nose in my neck and inhaling deeply. “Look me in the eye and tell me that wasn’t the best experience of your fucking life.”

  “Sorry, Jaz… but nothing will beat the first time I tasted a Pot Noodle,” I mocked, playing what just happened off completely. The truth is… I had never experienced anything even remotely close to that in my whole life. And for the first time… I did nothing to earn it. All I had to do, all he wanted me to do,
was lie there and let him touch me, kiss me and make me feel amazing. Intentional or not, for that one night, Jared had made me feel like the most special, wanted, ‘normal’, girl in the whole bloody world. “But it was pretty damn amazing.”

  Jared had rolled onto his back and when he opened one arm for me, I hesitantly nestled into his chest. Huh… It felt nicer than expected. It felt comfortable… right.

  “You know,” Jared began. “It’s ten past one.”

  “Um, okay?” I replied, looking up at him quizzically.

  “That means the deal’s off. I said if you let me have you before the New Year came in, I would back off. But seeing as we didn’t finish until past midnight… I’m afraid our agreement is null and void.”

  “That’s such bullshit,” I said, intending to be serious but ending up laughing.

  “Nuh uh. It was my deal so I make the rules. But let’s face it, after what just happened you’re ready to say yes anyway, right?”

  Ah, there you are serious atmosphere. I wondered where you were hiding…

  “Jared I-”

  “Jesus, you really are going to make me work for this aren’t you?”

  “I just-”

  “Tell me what’s holding you back, Rach?”

  “Well maybe I would if you’d quit interrupting me!”

  “Okay,” he said, pulling closed the imaginary zip on his mouth.

  “Nothing’s holding me back.”

  “You’re lying. You’re afraid.”

  “Bollocks! Don’t make out like you know me when we’ve only known each other a few months!” I barked, snapping my head from his chest.

  “Hey.” He reached out and gently grabbed my forearm, pulling me back to him. “I didn’t mean to make you mad, Rachel. I just… look I’m just going to come out and say it.”