by Nicola Haken
“Wait… is that why you won’t go out with me? Because you’re worried what people will think… of me?” The air turned instantly thicker as Rachel’s face melted into a frown. “Rach?” I prompted while squeezing her knee with my hand. “Talk to me.”
“Partly,” she said quietly. I waited patiently for her to elaborate but after several minutes of serious silence, I figured she needed a little prompting.
“Please don’t worry about me, saffy. I’m a big boy now, you know. No amount of looks or whispers could ever be bad enough to make me regret being with you. So if that’s all that’s stopping you…”
“That’s not all. I just… well… ah fuck, I don’t know.”
“You do know,” I argued, hopeful that we were finally getting somewhere. “You trust me don’t you?”
“That’s just it…” she trailed off, shaking her head at herself.
“What? You don’t trust me?” Crap, that stung.
“I do trust you, Jared. That’s the problem.”
“I don’t get it.” I scratched at my head for a second but guess what? I still didn’t get it.
“I don’t like trusting people. The only people I’ve ever trusted are my parents and Emily. I can’t afford to become reliant on you. I can’t let myself need anybody, Jared. But sometimes when I’m around you I feel it slipping. Sometimes when you’re not here I think I do need you. Then when we’re together I find myself letting you take control sometimes… it could be something small that I’d usually do myself, and then you’ll do it and… and I like it. That’s scares the living shit out of me.”
“I’m sorry, Rach but I still don’t understand. You like me being around but you don’t want to like it?”
“No. I don’t. Because what if I let myself get used to it, or even worse dependant on it? And then you’ll leave and I’ll be completely fucking screwed!” I tried to hold it back but it came anyway – a huge, proud smile took up residence on my face. “What the fuck are you grinning at?”
“That’s the first time you’ve said you want me.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You kinda did. Or at least, that’s how I’m choosing to interpret it.”
“Well it doesn’t even matter. I can’t be with you.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Rachel. I have no way of proving that to you right now, but if you let me in, I will show you.” She looked up at me with such sad eyes. They weren’t dubious, or doubtful… just sad. “It’s okay to need people, saffy. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. Hell, no one could deny what a strong person you are. I’ve never heard you complain about your disability once. Never heard you ask for help once– even though it’s okay to ask. You’ve never let it hold you back and I admire you so much for that. But there’s independence, then there’s loneliness, Rachel. Don’t live your life alone because you’re too afraid of being close to someone… to me.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying. I know I’m independent and I play it off as no big deal but the truth is, it is a big deal. Everything I do is a struggle. Yeah I’ve grown up like this, so I don’t know any different… but that doesn’t mean I don’t find it tough sometimes, you know? I like how you see me now. I like that we’re ‘mates’. I like how we can drink together, insult each other… I like that you see me and not that bloody chair…”
She nodded her head towards her wheelchair that was parked parallel with the arm of the sofa.
“But if you had to see me every day…”
“I do see you every day,” I interrupted.
“I mean really see me – see how I live, how I get through each day. I know I sound dramatic but I’m just…”
“Just what? Spit it out, Rach.”
“Afraid.”
“Afraid?” I repeated incredulously. “Afraid of what?”
“Of being pitied. Especially by you.”
“I do not pity you, Rachel,” I said assuredly. “And I never will.”
“You will. Everyone does. My mum, dad and even Emily to a degree. Imagine if I wanted that pen over there,” she pointed to the small glass table in the corner of the room. “Could you just sit there while I hauled myself in my chair, went and got it and then hitched myself back on here? Or would you just get it to save watching me struggle? Or what if I fell getting out of the bath again? Would you feel sorry for me?”
“Of course I fucking would! But that’s got jack shit to do with the fact your legs don’t work, Rach, it’s because I’m fucking human! I could walk in one day and find Emily’s slipped and cracked her head open… and yeah, I’d feel sorry for her too. You’re confusing caring about someone with pitying them. As for the pen? I have no idea if I would get it. My guess is, sometimes yes, sometimes no, depending on whether I could be arsed. It’s like you’re worried people can’t see past your chair… but I think it’s you who’s struggling to see past it.”
“I just don’t think you know what you’re getting into,” she argued. “I couldn’t bear it if you thought I needed taking care of. Or that you-”
“You’ve got it so wrong, Rachel.” I interrupted. “I don’t want to be your carer. I want to be your lover dammit!”
“Kiss me.”
“What?” I had to double check because her voice was so faint I barely heard her.
“Kiss me, Jared.”
“Are you saying y-”
“I don’t know what I’m saying yet. I just want you to kiss me. I need you to kiss me.” Well I’ll be damned. She just admitted that she needed something from me. If I thought I could’ve gotten away with it without getting a whack to the nose, I would’ve punched the air.
So, resisting the urge to high-five someone, I knelt up on the sofa and slowly pressed Rachel down into the cushions. My fingers trailed up her neck and settled on her cheek as I bent down and brushed her nose with mine.
“Anything for you.”
Chapter Six
Rachel
“I’m sorry,” I murmured against Jared’s bare chest as I traced small circles around his nipple with my finger. We were both warm, sticky and still a little breathless from yet another mind-blowing sex session.
“What the hell for?” he all but snapped, pushing slightly away from me so he could see my face.
“Being a whiny bitch who doesn’t know what’s good for her,” I confessed.
“So you’re admitting that I’m good for you?” Honestly if he’d smiled any wider his skin would’ve split.
“You were right. It’s me who’s been making a big deal of everything. I never realised until recently how insecure I really am. Even admitting that makes me feel stupid.”
“Don’t ever feel stupid. Not around me,” Jared assured, stroking my cheek with the back of his hand and staring intently into my eyes.
“It’s not all an act. I am loud, too opinionated for my own good and not overly keen on other human beings… but I never knew how badly I wanted to be… accepted I guess, until I developed these weird feelings for you.”
“Weird, huh? Good weird I hope.”
“Now that I’ve decided to roll with it, pardon the pun…definitely good weird.”
“Whooooa, wait up,” he said, shrugging out of my hold on his chest and sitting upright against the headboard. I had to try very hard not to stare at the tip of his flaccid cock poking out from beneath the sheet. “Is this your way of saying yes?”
“It’s me saying you screw me around and I will serve you your bollocks for breakfast.”
“Sounds fair,” he agreed, reigning in his smile. “Does that mean I can fuck you whenever I want now you’re my girlfriend?”
“Um… no. I’m afraid you still kinda need my permission. There’s this law about rape and shit. I’ve heard it can get pretty ugly if you go against it.”
“Well, girlfriend… I’m requesting permission to fuck your brains out,” he groaned against my ear after rolling himself on top of me and nudging between my thighs with his suddenly gloriously hard cock.<
br />
“Permission granted,” I said, grinning wickedly and already feeling the swell of anticipation between my legs.
There was no going back from here. This is the first person I’ve let get close enough to break my heart… and I’m powerless to do anything but wait and see if it happens.
**********
The next morning I rolled over expecting to drape my arm over Jared’s warm body. Holy fuck, I’m in a relationship. How grown up does that sound? However, I was met with a cold empty space. His shirt from the night before was still in a crumpled heap on the floor so I knew he was nearby.
Pulling myself to the end of the bed, I reached over to my chair and pulled it so it was level with the mattress. After lifting myself into it I made my way to the door, plucked my dressing-gown from the hook on the back and wrestled my way into it.
I found Jared in the kitchen filling the kettle with water. He hadn’t seen me approach so I just sat gawping at his shirtless body while he pottered around my kitchen. It was like watching a scene in a movie – perfect. I sighed contentedly, feeling a bizarre sense of completeness. As I stared up and down his glorious athletic body, landing on his head of sandy-blonde ‘bed hair’ sticking out in every direction… I had to stop myself yelling ‘I love you’.
Because I do. He’s become my best friend, my lover and the only person I want to spend every breathing second with. I love him – and it scares the fuck out of me.
“Dammit, saffy!” Jared grunted when he spotted me in the doorway. “Will you stop getting up every time I plan to bring you breakfast in bed!”
“Well I hope you’re going to make it right this time,” I sneered over the fuzzy warmth wrapping around my heart and making me breathless.
“At least go and sit down.”
“Are you taking the piss?”
“You know what I mean,” he said, shooing me away with his hand. “In the living room. Now.”
“Ooo how very dominant of you,” I teased. “If I don’t do it will you spank me, master?”
“Either that or I’ll ruin your breakfast. So go on, piss off.” Chuckling like a lovesick thirteen year old, I turned to leave. “But, Rach?” he called after me. “If you want kinky shit, I can give you kinky shit.” The intense ache deep in the pit of my belly, spreading downwards and making me wish I could squeeze my thighs together, told me I did indeed want whatever ‘kinky shit’ he was offering.
Biting my lip to stop a moan escaping as an unfamiliar giddiness seared through my veins, I kept my hands on my wheels-rims and practically sped into the living room.
Five minutes later Jared and his glorious abs sauntered into the living room. He walked slowly, balancing a tray in his hands which he cautiously lowered onto my lap when he reached me. This was his second attempt at making me a Pot Noodle and as I prodded inside the plastic cup with my fork, I wondered if he’d taken on board the advice I gave him last time.
“Looks good. Not too watery,” I said while twirling the noodles around my fork. “Smells good,” I added, bringing it up to my mouth. I made a point of chewing for longer than necessary, noting that Jared was watching me with eager eyes as he awaited my opinion. “Tastes good too,” I praised with a smile.
“So I’ve mastered the perfect Pot Noodle?” he asked enthusiastically.
“Not quite.” He raised an eyebrow, looking down quizzically at me. “You’ve cut my bread into rectangles. I like triangles. They’re easier to dip that way.”
“In that case maybe it’s me who’s in need of a spanking, eh?”
Images of smacking that perfectly taut arse of his flooded my mind and I had to push them away before I started drooling into my breakfast.
“I need to take a shower after this and leave. I’ve got classes this morning and then I’m going to attempt to finish my Cezanne assignment in the library… where there’ll be no hot men to distract me.”
“There’d better not be. I’m the only man who gets to distract you now, saffy. Hot or otherwise… got it?”
“Wow, you’re really getting into character aren’t you, master? I can’t wait to get home tonight.” I winked at him before tipping the dregs of my noodles into my mouth. “You got work tonight?”
“Yeah. Suppose I better show my face. I’ve had a lot of time off lately and after my… disagreement with Ben yesterday, I think Mick’s pretty pissed off with me.”
“You know, I’ve heard you and Dex talk about Mick being this big fat arsehole… but come on, he lets you get away with a lot of shit.”
“Yeah well, Mick can be an arsehole – but he’s an arsehole who just happens to be my uncle.”
“Your uncle?” How didn’t I know that already? “How didn’t I know that already?” I repeated out loud.
“Probably ‘cause I’ve not told anyone before,” he shrugged.
“You’re being weird. Why are you being weird? Jesus, he didn’t fiddle with you did he?”
“What? Fuck no! I guess I’m just used to not being allowed to talk about him. I’d be thrown out before I even finished speaking his name in front of my parents.”
“Why?”
“Apparently he got pissed one night and tried it on with my mum. Oh, and in case that didn’t make it clear – Mick is my dad’s brother.”
“Yeah I got that.”
“It was years ago now. I barely saw him growing up but I knew who he was and that he owned the pub. But as you can imagine, my dad’s not happy that I work for him.”
“So why do you? Aren’t you mad about what he did too?”
“Sure. At least I was. But Mick helped me out when I was going through a pretty tough time. He got me back on my feet when my dad wouldn’t even speak to me.”
“What ha-”
“But that’s a whole other story. Go on, you better get ready or you’ll be late,” he cut me off, deliberately forcing a subject change. I nodded weakly and forced a smile. Then, after kissing my nose Jared took the tray from my knee and disappeared into the kitchen.
I’ve always seen Jared as my goofy friend who could rival any fifteen year old in the behaviour department. But now it feels like I’m seeing more of him every single day and it’s as exciting as it is nerve-wracking. When I looked into his vivid green eyes as he spoke about Mick, his surprise uncle, helping him out… I witnessed a sadness in his eyes that made me suspect he wasn’t as carefree as he liked people to believe.
Maybe we’re more similar than I originally thought.
**********
“You’ve slept with someone!” is how my friend Holly greeted me when I met her in Starbucks. Holly’s great. I suppose she’s the closest thing I’ve got to a ‘girl’ friend since Emily left. She’s in several of my classes and like Emily, she’s too sweet for me to be a bitch to, so somehow we’ve ended up mates.
“It was Jared,” I admitted, wondering what gave me away and blushing ridiculously like I’d just lost my virginity or something.
“About time! Congratulations!” she squealed and I couldn’t help wonder what setting the love balls she must’ve been wearing were on.
“Seriously? You’re congratulating me on having sex?” Holly laughed and flicked her mousy-brown hair over her shoulder like really ‘girly’ girls do.
“I’m congratulating you on making your mind up. It feels like he’s been chasing you forever.”
“It’s only been a few weeks,” I argued playfully.
“In guy time that’s forever. Unless he was completely smitten with you he would’ve given up after a couple of days. So does this mean I get to meet him now?”
“Sure. You could’ve met him anyway, you know that. We hang out all the time.”
“No I couldn’t. How awkward would that have been? Watching him drool over you while you pretended you weren’t interested. Sounds about as much fun as plucking my bikini line.”
“How about Saturday? We can swap ideas about our sculptures for the display next month.”
“Sounds good to me. Providing
I finish this Cezanne assignment. I’m so behind I just can’t seem to get into it.”
“Really?” I’d been finding it quite easy but I didn’t want to gloat.
“His paintings depress me. They’re so dark and miserable. Ugh.” Holly literally shuddered. “Anyway – subject change. What’s going on with your hair?”
“What do you mean?” I asked quizzically, curling one of the pink strands around my finger and bringing it in front of my face.
“It’s been pink for weeks. That’s not like you.” Hmm, she was right. I usually get bored after two weeks max.
“Guess my mind has been preoccupied. But now you’ve mentioned it I won’t be able to go to sleep tonight before I’ve changed it.” I was quiet for a moment while I decided which shade to go next. “Red. Not had red in months. I’ll go and get the stuff during dinner hour. Want to join me?”
“Sure. I’ll help you apply it if you want?” My back instinctively stiffened slightly. Then I remembered everything Jared had said and realised I had to let this stupid notion about people pitying me go. “We’ll make it a real girly afternoon!” Holly beamed, snapping me from my thoughts. You see? She would have offered to help any of her friends. Like I said, she’s girly. She’s into this kind of shit. She probably just wanted to play human dolls while talking about guys – nothing to do with the damn chair.
“Great,” I agreed.
“You could sound a little more enthusiastic,” she complained, pouting at me.
“You should know by now I don’t do squealing and waving my hands in the air. I’ll leave the girly shit to you thanks.”
“I’ll make a girl of you yet, Rachel Mason.” Doubtful. “Look I’ve got to get to sketch class but I’ll text you when it’s over and we’ll arrange a place to meet, ‘kay?”
“Sure. Catch you soon.” Holly blew me a kiss before flicking her hair again and then she stood up and left. I waved her off through the window as she passed it and continued sipping my Gingerbread Latte. This drink is without a doubt the best thing about winter.
After draining the cup, I began my journey through the maze of tables, chairs and caffeine addicts towards the exit. The queue for the counter was backed up though so I ended up waiting in line, hoping it would go down quickly so I could escape. Now, you’d think it’d be hard to miss someone in a big square chair with two giant wheels on either side of their arse wouldn’t you? Well you’d be wrong. Honestly, the amount of people who carry on about their business as if I’m invisible is unbelievable.