by Nicola Haken
I didn’t move for almost two hours. After throwing my pile of envelopes onto the floor and watching them scatter in a thousand different directions I just… sat. I stared at the old wooden clock above the couch for a while. Then I looked at the black screen of the TV while contemplating texting Jared. Then after deciding I wasn’t brave enough to have it confirmed just yet, I stared at the coffee table and circled the coffee ring around and around with my eyes.
A month. That’s how long we’ve been together – as in together together. Longer actually – one month and three days if we’re being specific. It took me a good three and half weeks of that month to get to a point where I started really believing I might be able to do this ‘relationship’ shit. Ugh, I was getting so frustrated with myself, and my inability to switch my mind off. But as another hour passed I began to soften.
What if I was completely overreacting? Jared has proved himself to be different from your average man-slag from the start. He’s never been anything but sweet, gentle and understanding. Jesus, just yesterday before he started sending those dodgy texts I was almost ready to admit that I love him! He couldn’t fake the way he looked at me. Could he? Or the sincerity in his voice whenever his face was inches from mine. Is sincerity fakeable? Is fakeable even a fucking word?
Or maybe I’m the real problem here. All this fuss I’m making without even having the balls to talk to him about it… Maybe I’m just not ready. Maybe I’ll never be ready to put so much faith in another person. Fuck, even Emily’s let me down lately – the one person I’ve automatically trusted for as long as I can remember.
I’m really starting to think being alone is just easier. Or am I just being a whining bitch? Go on, you can tell me the truth.
Yeah… thought so.
“Fuck it,” I said out loud to the empty room. Time to grow some balls…
Me: Feeling better?
Jared: Lots. Really sorry saffy. I’ll show u just how sorry when I come round in an hour ;-)
Me: Glad u survived with no one to take care of u. Were u lonely?
I felt my heart beating through my arse while I waited for his reply. This was it. This was the moment he was either going to lie to me or offer me a perfectly reasonable explanation.
Jared: Nah. I slept straight thru. Would’ve made shit company anyway :-)
And there it was. The lying, deceitful, conniving, two-faced, motherfucking, cunting, twatting, bastarding, arseholing… convincing wanker with a cherry on top.
And sprinkles.
And whipped fucking cream.
Jared: McDonald’s breakfast?
Jared: Earth to saffy?
Jared: U planning to reply today?
Jared: I’ll just get it anyway. Might even remember your maple syrup this time ;-)
By that point I’d stopped picking up my phone to read what had come through. Choosing instead to leave it vibrating alone on the coffee table. When they stopped coming through the silence was… agonising. I tried to surmise how I was feeling but I genuinely had no idea. I’d never felt anything like this before. Was I hurt? Disappointed? Upset? Heartbroken?
No.
No fucking way was I heartbroken. I never have and never will let a man have that kind of power over me.
I was grateful for the interruption when I heard a knock at the door –though I’d been so wrapped up in my own world I almost shit my pants at the sound. Shaking my hair out and putting my game face on, I wheeled over to the door and stretched up to undo the latch.
“Good morning, Miss Mason,” the now familiar courier driver greeted with a wink as he handed me the small box. I gave him a tight, forced smile in return and made a point of signing for it quickly and closing the door on him.
I stared at the little white box in my hands for a few long seconds, knowing there was no point opening it yet feeling an intense urge to see the thirty-four petals inside and torture myself a little more. So, sliding my fingernail along the edge to break the seal, I slowly pulled open the cardboard lid.
My phone dinged on the table at the exact moment my eyes landed on the pink petals. The sound was like a knife jabbing into my brain so I gave in and picked it up. Without even reading what he had to say, I typed a reply.
Me: I don’t want McDonalds. What I want is for u to stay the fuck away from me. Don’t reply, don’t call, and only come over if u want ur bollocks feedin to the dog next door
Simple enough request, right? I think I made my point fairly clear, wouldn’t you agree? So why the fuck did my phone start ringing, tormenting me with a picture of Jared’s goofy grin about three seconds after I hit send. After three unsuccessful attempts to get me to answer, the texts started.
Jared: R u fucking with me or genuinely pissed off????
Jared: Rach? U okay?
Jared: I’m getting worried now. Coming straight over
Fuck.
Me: I’m serious. We’re thru Jared. Please don’t come. I really don’t want to see u or talk to u. Y don’t u give last night’s whore a bell if ur lonely?
After pressing send I switched my mobile off and placed it on the table. When I pulled my fingers away I noticed they were trembling slightly and I hated the fact I’d let him, let anyone get under my skin like he had. As I felt my blood begin to simmer in my veins, cooking me from the inside out, I felt so fucking angry with myself. So, in a moment of rage and madness, I grabbed a fistful of petals from the box on my knee and squeezed them as hard as my shaking hands would allow before throwing them angrily into the air.
Then, the delicate petals – torn and bruised from my merciless assault – started raining back down in front of me.
And so did my tears.
Chapter Nine
Jared
I was at Rachel’s door within minutes of receiving her last text. What the hell did she think I’d been up to? I thought we were good… more than good. I fucking love her!
I began with a light knock like I always would… well like I used to before Emily gave me her key. But knowing she was mad with me, it didn’t seem appropriate to let myself in… yet. When I got no response I knocked harder. Thirty seconds later I was banging utter shit out of it.
“Fuck this,” I muttered under my breath before pulling my key out and stabbing it in the lock.
Fuck. The chain was on.
“Rachel?” I called through the small gap in the door. “Come on, Rach, at least tell me what I’ve done!”
Silence.
“I know you’re in there. Talk to me. Please.”
More silence.
“Rachel I swear to fucking God I will break this damn door down if you don’t open it right now!”
Silence… followed by the jangle of the chain.
“Who in fuck’s name is the ‘whore’ I’m supposed to have seen last night?” I practically growled the second my eyes met hers. “I’m confused,” I added in a softer tone, reaching out to touch her and then backing off when she yanked her neck back.
“Holly saw you last night with your hands all over some slut. Don’t bother lying to me either. It was definitely you. You were right outside your apartment with her.”
Thank. Fuck.
“Are you laughing?” she barked. “Jesus, you’re actually fucking laughing at me! Get the hell out of my house NOW!” she yelled… even though I wasn’t technically in her house… I was still standing on the opposite side of the doorway.
“I’m laughing because that ‘slut’ I was seen with last night, was my little sister.” I couldn’t seem to prevent the smug tone of my voice, even though I knew it would piss her off even more.
“But you had your hands all over her,” Rachel accused, eyeing me up warily. “Holly saw you, remember?”
“I hugged her. I think I might have cupped her face at one point too. Hardly all over her.”
“Well why the fuck would you cup your sister’s face? That’s just… weird.”
“Because she was upset. Because she’s in a bad place right now
and needed her big brother to comfort her. Do you need another reason? Or how about you just let me in so we can talk about this without me freezing my balls off?”
Rachel moved aside and I stepped cautiously passed her, tucking my hands into my pockets to stop my fingers - that were itching to touch her - reaching out and grabbing her. I settled myself on the sofa and waited for her to close the door. It felt like an eternity as I watched her wheel backwards from the door and spin around to face me, then my heart sank into my bollocks when she applied her brakes at the farthest end of the room.
“You’re still angry?”
“Yes. No. I… I don’t know.”
“Come sit with me,” I said encouragingly, patting the cushion beside me.
“I don’t want to,” she spat petulantly.
“Is there more to this than Jess coming round? Have I done something else? Because honestly, Rach, I thought we were solid.”
I love you.
Christ knows why I wasn’t brave enough to say that out loud in that moment.
“So did I,” she murmured faintly with a look of pure unadulterated sadness oozing from her deep-brown eyes. “But now…”
“Now what?” I all but demanded. “You know I haven’t done anything wrong, so what’s changed?”
“I have. Or rather… I haven’t. I don’t do relationships, Jared. They’ve always been a nice idea in my head… but when it comes to it, I’m…”
“You’re what?”
“Insecure I guess.” She looked embarrassed as she shrugged her small shoulders and swept the carpet with her eyes. I wanted nothing more than to scoop her up in my arms, take her to the bedroom and just… hold her. But I figured right now that would probably earn me a punch in the balls so I stayed where I was with my arse fixed firmly to the sofa.
“Look how quick I was to judge you?” she continued. “I wasn’t even prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt. I just believed in here,” she laid a flattened palm across her heart, “that you would hurt me. That’s no kind of relationship for either of us.”
Screw it. I needed to touch her and I needed to touch her fast. Almost leaping from the couch, I went over and dropped to my knees in front of her before resting my hands on her knees.
“If you don’t trust me, Rachel… I can deal with that. I’ll prove myself to you. I will make you trust me. Just don’t do this to us. I’ve never felt so close to someone before. I… I… Oh for fuck’s sake Rachel, I love you!”
“You… love me?”
“I’m afraid so, saffy. I am one hundred and fifty percent, wholeheartedly, can’t think straight when you’re not around, can’t imagine your face without getting a raging hard-on, in love with you.”
“I don’t know, Jared. Being in a relationship has never really interested me before. Therefore I never knew I was so insecure until we started going out… or jealous, possessive. I’m one of those girlfriends I have spent my life thinking were dumbarse fucking imbeciles and now, it turns out I’m one of them.”
“But I want you to be my dumbarse fucking imbecile.” Ah, there we go… a smile! I was getting somewhere and the feeling was like crack in my veins… addictive. I will spend my life proving to her how much I want, no need her if I have to.
“I’m worried I’ll end up pushing you away. Honestly, I’ve been so bleeding miserable all morning. All I’ve done is whine to myself – feel sorry for myself. I don’t like being that person, Jared and if that’s what being in a relationship does to me, then we’re both better off steering clear.”
“Right, so if I hereby promise to accept you and all your whiney, possessive and jealous flaws… can things go back to normal? ‘Cause I’m kinda hungry.”
“Pot Noodle?” she asked with a slightly embarrassed smile.
“Well we’ve missed McDonald’s breakfast thanks to this whiney bitch I know,” I teased, winking at her. I stood up and planted a lingering kiss on top of her head, inhaling the scent of her hair as if I wouldn’t be able to breathe without it. Then, smiling widely, I started making my way to the kitchen.
“Jared?” she called after me.
“Uh huh?”
“I’m sorry,” she said faintly.
“I’m not sure I believe you,” I replied with my best poker face. “I’m going to need you to prove it in there after breakfast,” I said, pointing towards her bedroom as a suggestive smirk crawled across her face.
Fuck me. That was one hell of a morning… but not nearly as strenuous as the hours that followed.
**********
Heaven. That’s where I was. Lying on my back with the naked body of the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid my eyes on nestled into my chest after what can only be described as a sex marathon. I traced the lines of her tattoos with my fingers, noticing the firmness of her arms compared to the flimsy softness of her legs. Her arms are so strong - she could easily take me out with one punch.
“Does this have a meaning?” I asked, running my finger over the koi fish’s fin on her upper arm.
“Well, koi fish are supposed to stand for luck and good fortune. There was an old fable that stated a koi fish would try to climb up the falls at a specific point on the Yellow River to become a dragon. It’s supposed to represent the strength and perseverance a person experiences through the trials and tribulation of life.”
“Wow.”
“But really, I just got it ‘cause I thought it looked pretty.”
Laughing softly, I brought her hand up to my mouth and kissed her knuckles. Then I pulled her closer and wound my fingers in her hair.
“Would you ever get one? A tattoo or a piercing?”
“Not a chance. I’m way to much of a pussy when it comes to needles and shit.”
“Wimp.”
“And proud, baby. So anyway, Sunday should be a barrel of laughs,” I continued. While twirling strands of her fading red-hair around my finger, I’d been telling Rachel earlier all about my sister and the fact we were planning to drop the ‘you’re gonna be grandparents’ bombshell on my mum and dad this weekend. “What’s so funny?” I asked when Rachel started giggling against my bare chest.
“Your accent,” she said. “You’re so posh sometimes. Like the way you just said ‘barrel of lorfs’.”
“I do not talk like that!” I protested. “So are you saying you would prefer me if I was a common northerner like you?” I teased, earning me a swat on the arm. “If I said ‘laff’ instead? Or maybe, ay up, chuck?”
“I’m a Mancunian, not a fucking farmer.”
Rachel and I both laughed a little and then I scooted down the bed so her head was on my shoulder and I buried my face in her hair.
“Do you trust me, Rach?” I asked quietly. The question created a brief pang of panic in my heart while I awaited her response.
“Why are you asking me that?” she replied nervously, turning her head to look me in the eye.
“Before this morning, I thought we were good you know. Tight. I thought you had no doubts about how much I care about you.”
“I’m sorry,” she breathed on a long exhale. “I’ve never done this before. If I’m honest I never thought I would. I didn’t think anyone would… I don’t know… want to stick around with the cripple. I suppose I’m finding it difficult to accept that you just might.”
“Don’t talk about yourself like that. It hurts me when you belittle yourself in that way. You know, when I was an outsider so to speak, I never would’ve guessed you had these doubts about yourself. And it really gets to me that you do. But at the same time, I kind of like it. To everyone else you’re so sure of everything and I feel sort of honoured that I know a different side of you - that I know the real you.
“I don’t know if you’ve had some kind of bad experience, whether some guy has said something out of order or treated you differently because of your disability… but I need you to remember I’m not that guy. The fact your legs don’t work means shit to me, Rach.
“I fell in love with y
our personality – your confidence and your sense of humour. I love the way you would make mince out of a man’s balls with your bare hands if they dared mess with someone you care about, and for some bizarre reason I even love your gross fetish for Pot Noodles. I love you, Rachel… fucked-up spinal cord and all.” I said firmly, cupping one side of her face with my hand and stroking my thumb across her jaw.
“I. Love. You. Every little piece of you. Your mad hair, your tattoos, your rich-brown eyes, this sparkly little ring,” I traced the ring sitting flush on her lower lip with my thumb, “and I especially love that cute little freckle just below your left bum cheek.”
“Jared, I…”
“Shh,” I muttered, pressing a finger over her lips. “You don’t need to say it back. Not yet. I already know you feel it… but I don’t want you to say it until you trust me. And like I said this morning, you will, Rach, because I’m going to spend every day of forever proving it to you.”
“I don’t know what to say,” she mumbled timidly before chewing on her lip ring.
“Well,” I said with a devilish grin as I took hold of her hand and placed it on my throbbing hard-on. “Actions speak louder than words, baby.”
“Now that,” she breathed - her eyes beginning to twinkle. “That, I can do.”
And by God was she telling the truth. Rachel spent the next two hours showing me how she felt over and over again and in a thousand different ways.
Yes. I definitely fucking love her.
**********
Sunday rolled around quickly enough. It’s been a strange week with Rachel though. I think she feels guilty for doubting me. Either that or she is still secretly a little suspicious. It’s like she’s closed a part of herself off from me. The invisible wall she puts in front of herself for the rest of the world suddenly seems to remain when we’re alone and I don’t like it.