by Sara Foster
‘I’m listening,’ Grace told her quietly.
Liza took a deep breath before she spoke. ‘I saw Adam in the library in Ockton, the day before he went missing. I’d nipped in there to browse while I waited for a bus, and I was amazed to bump into him. We recognised each other straight away, even though it’s been, what – over fourteen years… But during the summer he spent in Roseby, my sisters and I saw him all the time – he made life far more interesting for a while, I can tell you. Anyway, it was really lovely to catch up. He told me about you, Grace – said he was married and had a baby girl – he looked really proud.’
Grace felt a searing pain in her chest. She went across and leaned on the railing, studying the inky-black lake. Patchy light illuminated small parts of its glassy surface, and highlighted the dark outlines of plants and bushes surrounding it.
Liza came closer and put a hand on her arm. ‘I’m sorry, Grace. I can only imagine how difficult it must be -’
‘Why the hell didn’t you come forward at the time?’ Grace interrupted, anger sitting low in her voice.
‘I didn’t know that Adam had gone missing straight away,’ Liza explained, withdrawing her touch. ‘And when I found out, it was complicated… for reasons I don’t want to go into, but which have nothing to do with Adam. Anyway, at the time I didn’t think our conversation would be relevant – but when I heard you were back, I knew I should talk to you, just in case…’
‘What else did he say?’ Grace demanded impatiently.
‘Well, he was sitting at a computer when I saw him, with the phone book open next to him, and when I asked him what he was doing, he looked kind of sheepish and said, “Looking for my dad.”’
On hearing those last four words, Grace froze. Liza didn’t notice, and carried on.
‘I was taken aback by that. When he’d stayed in Roseby after his mother died, the main things I remember about him were first of all that he pretty much chain-smoked, and secondly that he talked a lot about how much he hated his father for abandoning them. So I wasn’t sure what to say, but he added, “I’d just like to hear his side of the story.” And then I’m certain that we began talking about something else – that’s all I remember him saying about it anyway. But I recall him telling me that very clearly, because he’d obviously had such a big change of heart.’
Grace was trying to imagine this conversation taking place. ‘Adam rarely talked about his father to me,’ she told Liza. ‘He seemed to have dealt with the trauma of his early life. He was one for always looking forward, not backwards.’
‘Well,’ Liza said, ‘he had changed then, because he used to be obsessed with his dad. And that’s probably a good thing, actually, because although I didn’t really understand at the time, it wasn’t very healthy the way he talked then. But he had only just lost his mother – he needed someone to direct his anger at, I guess. The way he spoke in the library struck me, because that hate wasn’t there any more – he was quite matter of fact about it.’
Grace swung round. ‘I want to tell the police about this,’ she said. ‘In case it makes a difference. I wish you’d said something at the time.’
‘Grace, I understand how you must feel, but I’m asking you – begging you, in fact – not to get me involved.’ Liza sounded frightened.
‘Can I ask why?’ Grace persisted.
Liza shook her head. ‘I can’t say, I’m sorry. Please – I’ve told you all I know. Leave me out of it now.’
Grace made a noise of frustration and looked back across the lake for a while, lost in thought. When she turned round, she was alone in the gazebo.
All at once, the cold was unbearable. She looked through the trees towards the lights of the hall. She wasn’t ready to go back there yet. Her thoughts tumbled over one another as she tried to make sense of what she had heard. While Liza had been talking, half of Grace had been listening attentively, but the other half had been picturing Adam’s earnest face and trying to figure out why he hadn’t told her what he was doing. She had a disconcerting feeling that she might know the answer. While Grace was pregnant, she had asked Adam if he’d thought about tracing his father. He had seemed agitated by the suggestion, and had given her a big speech about how the past was best left alone. If he’d changed his mind, and decided to do some research while they were at the cottage, he might well have put off telling Grace, knowing what he’d said before, reluctant to admit his change of heart.
She remembered his note now, with a shudder of disquiet: I have to talk to you when I get back, don’t go anywhere. As she sighed, a cloud of mist formed in the frosty air. Surely this was it – he had meant to tell her about Jonny. So why had he chosen that moment? Had he found something in the library?
She watched her breath dissipating. This was all supposition – who knew if it even had any bearing on why he’d disappeared. She recalled Liza and her family at the table tonight. Meredith’s indifferent stare. Perhaps they were trying to unnerve her, make her feel that her husband had been keeping secrets from her, manoeuvre her out of the cottage so Meredith could take it over. Well, if that were their intention they were going to be disappointed.
It was time to get back inside before she caught pneumonia. She left the gazebo and moved hurriedly along, careful not to trip on the long undergrowth next to the murky water. As she walked through the car park, she pictured Millie’s sleeping face, and rummaged in her small bag to phone Emma.
‘I’ve been expecting you to call!’ Emma said as she answered. ‘And she’s fine. Not a peep out of her. Enjoy yourself while you’ve got the chance. I’m not expecting you back until way past midnight.’
‘Thank you, I really appreciate it,’ Grace said.
‘Don’t you worry, I’m sure we’ll be needing a favour from you at some stage.’
As Grace hung up, she registered the sounds of the ball again, and wondered if James and Annabel had realised that she was missing. Annabel probably won’t even notice if I’m not in the car on the way home, she thought, since she’s likely to be both drunk and exhausted by then.
Grace’s mother had always urged her to be a responsible older sister and look after Annabel, even though they were only thirteen months apart. She had once done so willingly, yet nowadays at times she resented her sister’s devil-may-care approach to life. ‘Grace was born responsible,’ her father used to say proudly. And so it appeared. Was this what she was doing now by moving back to the cottage – putting herself through all this because of some questionable notion about what ‘the right thing to do’ might be? What if she didn’t want to be responsible any more? Perhaps that should be her New Year’s resolution, she decided, with a surge of defiance.
There was an unexpected movement behind her. She whirled around, peering back towards the trees, and saw a familiar figure vanishing behind one of them, a tall man with dark hair.
She shook her head briefly to try to re-establish reality, but it was no use – that short glimpse had stung her so hard that she broke into a run, screaming as loudly as she could, ‘Adam!’
22
At the sound of her cry, the man spun on his heel. ‘Grace!’ Ben said, a mixture of astonishment and worry on his face. ‘What are you doing out here?’
For a moment she had imagined it was her husband, and nothing else had mattered except catching up to him. Now, bitter disappointment derailed her.
‘Why the hell are you creeping around?’ she shouted. Ben appeared to wince at her loud voice, and glanced uncomfortably towards the trees and the car park and hall beyond, but there was no one visible, only the faint sound of music.
‘Grace, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you – I didn’t know anyone else was down here.’
‘But what are you doing here?’ she demanded, still angry. ‘You said you weren’t coming.’
‘Well, I changed my mind. A few times, actually. I was wondering if this might be -’ He stopped, as though reluctant to go on.
‘Be what?’ Grace insisted.
/> Ben shook his head. ‘Never mind, it doesn’t matter.’ He came closer. ‘Here,’ he took off his jacket and held it up to drape over her shoulders, ‘you must be freezing.’
Grace became aware of how tightly she had wrapped her arms around herself, and how hard she was shaking. She let him lay the jacket over her, and as the fight left her, tears began to form in her eyes. She looked down.
‘You should go back inside, Grace, where it’s warm.’
She kept her focus on the ground. ‘I’d rather not, for a minute.’
‘All right then, come and sit in my car for a while and get warm.’
He led the way to the Land Rover, slivers of light from the hall reflecting off the bonnet. She heard the click of his key-fob and the doors opened. Grace climbed into the passenger seat and laid her head back against the head rest, while Ben got into the driver’s seat and started the engine.
‘Where are we going?’ Grace asked, alarmed as the doors automatically locked with a loud click.
‘Nowhere,’ Ben said, ‘I was just switching the engine on to get the heat coming through properly.’
Grace looked at the bright lights of the hall, and pictured the cheerful celebrations inside. Right at this moment she wanted to be far away from it all. ‘Actually, can you take us for a drive?’
Ben didn’t say another word, but put the car into gear and began to reverse.
Once they were heading slowly down the gravel driveway, Grace nestled into her seat. The silken lining of Ben’s jacket was soft against her arms, and she pulled it closer around her, breathing in the unfamiliar scent of his aftershave on the lapels. The dark sky formed a backdrop to the sable silhouettes of trees as they sped along. Nightfall made everything an illusion. The small red and blue lights on Ben’s dashboard were comforting, reassuring little beacons of safety; the car their small enclave on the unfamiliar roads.
She roused herself as Ben slowed, to find that they were caught in a traffic jam.
‘What’s going on?’ she asked, intrigued.
‘They’re heading for midnight mass.’
Grace looked towards the church in the distance, then at the cars pulling up. ‘I’ve never been,’ she said. ‘Have you?’
‘Would you like to go now?’
Grace considered the unexpected offer. ‘Yes.’
Ben pulled in to the kerb without a word. They got out of the car and made their way through a small lych gate, then along the churchyard path towards bright, welcoming light. Grace hadn’t been to a church service since she was a child. Her parents used to attend every week, until her father had found a new religion called golf.
They slid into an empty pew at the back, and Grace looked around. The church was long and thin with an ornate high ceiling. The organ droned in the background as the congregation filed in, then struck up with a renewed vigour as the clergy processed slowly down the aisle.
When the service began, Grace let the words wash over her, the vicar’s voice rising and falling in prayer. When she was asked to kneel, she pressed her face against her hands and let her tears come in silent relief, acknowledging how helpless she felt, and sending out a plea that the coming year would be brighter and happier for Millie and for herself.
When the service ended, she felt lighter. She hadn’t so much as looked at Ben since entering the church, but now, as people began to wish one another a merry Christmas, he turned to her with a smile. ‘Happy Christmas, Grace.’ She smiled in reply, enjoying the snatched moment of tranquillity. Then she glanced at her watch.
‘Oh no, I’ve got to get back. Annabel and James will be going mad… and I need to get home for Millie.’
‘The ball doesn’t finish until one,’ Ben reassured her. ‘They might not have even registered that you’ve gone.’
But Grace had no doubt that they would have noticed by now. ‘Can we go quickly?’ she asked as they hurried out of the church, saying a brief Merry Christmas to the vicar before rushing back to Ben’s car.
Ben unlocked the doors as he went swiftly around to the driver’s side. ‘Don’t panic, Grace, we’ll be there in ten minutes,’ he said as they climbed inside.
During the journey, Grace jiggled her knees up and down impatiently. But as they came onto the long gravel drive she was distracted from her worry, as Ben said, ‘Look, why don’t I leave you all to have Christmas dinner on your own. I don’t want to intrude.’
‘Ben, you’re not intruding – really,’ Grace insisted, keen for him to come after he had been so gently supportive of her tonight. ‘We’d love to have you. Annabel will grumble all day if you back out now…’
‘Well, all right, if you’re sure.’
For some reason his detachment infuriated her, and she twisted in her seat to face him. ‘Ben, why are you house-sitting in the middle of nowhere on your own? What’s going on?’ Jenny’s wary face and long auburn hair flashed through her mind. What role did that woman play in his life?
Ben lapsed into silence for a long moment, his features grim, before he said, ‘I have some unfinished business, like you.’
‘You skirt around giving straight answers every single time, do you realise that?’ Grace demanded, irritated.
She saw his jaw tighten. ‘Grace, I can assure you, this is not a Christmas Day kind of conversation.’
She sat back in her seat with an exasperated sigh, unable to think of a reply.
When they reached the end of the drive, instead of going right to the car park, Ben pulled up on the grass beforehand.
‘Will you be all right from here?’ he asked.
‘Yes, of course,’ she said, puzzled. But before she could turn away, he slowly leaned towards her, and she felt her heartbeat skitter as his face drew close to hers. She smelled his aftershave again, studied the taut line of his jaw, and when his face was almost touching hers, she looked into his eyes. He was watching her curiously.
She had forgotten to breathe. Then she heard the latch of her door as he opened it for her, and he straightened back up into his seat, even though he was still scrutinising her.
‘Ben,’ Grace began as she let go of her breath, forgetting that anyone was waiting for her now. She sensed she might not get another chance at such intimacy with him. ‘You can trust me, you know.’
Ben leaned back, staring at the car roof. ‘I know,’ he said. ‘I know that, Grace. I just don’t want you to think…’ He stopped, apparently lost for the next words. Then he turned to face her. ‘I left here under a cloud, Grace. A very, very black cloud.’
‘Even so, can’t you come and join the final hour of the party?’ she urged, giving his sleeve a small tug of encouragement. ‘Have a drink for Christmas, forget your troubles for a little while. You can stick with us,’ she added, in case he was worried about more reactions like those of the publicans in Roseby – briefly trying to imagine what he might have done to have caused them, then wishing she hadn’t.
‘I wish I could. I drove all the way over here because my sister told me to come – in fact she said it was an excellent idea – but now I’m here I doubt it very much.’
‘I didn’t know you had a sister,’ Grace said, pleased that he had shared this small confidence with her.
‘I have four of them, Grace,’ Ben replied, ‘and three are in there right now, along with my mother, who hasn’t spoken to me for fourteen years, and who still isn’t ready to talk to me now.’
Grace’s mouth dropped open as her mind began clicking things into place.
‘Meredith?’ she breathed, unable to believe it.
‘Yes, Grace,’ Ben said. ‘Meredith is my mother.’
23
Grace was stunned, but as she sat beside Ben with no idea what to say next, she caught sight of two people standing on the front steps to the hall, looking around while they talked agitatedly.
Ben had spotted them too. ‘You’d better go.’
‘Will you be okay?’
He turned to smile at her, though his eyes were weary. ‘I’m
fine, Grace. You go now, I’ll see you tomorrow.’
She gave him a worried glance, climbed out of the car and heard him reversing down the road. She waited a moment then began to walk up to the hall.
James and Annabel swooped on her as soon as they saw her. Annabel was beside herself, declaring that the party was definitely over and they were heading back.
‘Don’t you EVER do that to me again,’ she shouted at Grace. ‘Where the hell have you been?’
‘I needed some time to myself,’ Grace told them, grateful that the music from inside was drowning out their remonstrations, and reluctant to tell them that she had been with Ben, knowing they were likely to read it all wrong.
They walked to the car. Once they were inside, Annabel refused to speak to Grace for the rest of the journey. Grace looked to James for support, but he stared stonily ahead as he drove, and made no move to dispel the fraught atmosphere.
Grace glanced out of the window, exhaustion creeping over her. The roads heading home were disturbingly hushed. The headlights’ full beam did their best to penetrate the black night, but to little effect.
It was hard to believe it was Christmas Day. She had a suspicion that when they got up again in a few hours, it would feel more like going through the motions than a true celebration. She remembered Ben, standing outside the hall tonight, so close and yet so far removed from the rest of his family. What on earth had happened to make it that way?
She was tempted to share her discoveries – it might thaw the frostiness in the car – but stopped herself, feeling she could be betraying Ben’s confidence. He would tell them about it himself if he wanted to.
‘People were saying we’re in for a heavy snowfall tomorrow,’ James said beside her, breaking her train of thought.
‘Good job you stocked up today then,’ Grace responded, after which they said nothing further.