“I feel it.” I give him a sad smile. “I could have all the people I love around me and I’d still feel just as alone, because none of them truly understand. They try, and I love them for that, but…”
“They’re not dying,” he finishes.
“Right.”
“Do you trust me?”
“Pardon?” I ask, bewildered. What does that have to do with my family coping with my illness?
“You heard me. Yes or no?”
“Uh, I guess.”
“Good, then listen to what I’m about to say. I don’t think your family is the one with the problem. I think you are. They’re allowed to cope how they want to cope with you dying. Who are you to take that away from them? Would you like it if I told you how you should be dealing with the idea of dying?”
“Isn’t that pretty much what you were doing earlier?” I shoot back.
He winces. “Point taken, but I admitted I was wrong. And you’re no different, are you? Why can’t you let them deal with this in their own way and you deal with it in yours? When it comes down to it, they’re the ones who are going to be living with it for longer.”
“So you think I should’ve stayed home?” I ask quietly. I’m not sure how I feel about what he’s saying. It hurts, but maybe it hurts because it’s true.
“I’m not saying that at all. I’m just saying don’t punish them for being sad. Call them. Skype your mother. Keep them in the loop. Those are the things they will cherish most a few months from now.”
When I’m dead. I don’t say it, because I don’t have to. Instead I retort. “Because you do?”
“I’m not dying.”
“That doesn’t matter. You have no idea what will happen tomorrow. Could you live with yourself if you let your stubbornness get in the way of saying goodbye to someone you loved and they died?”
“You don’t know my family.”
“So explain it,” I say, holding up my hands.
“My father is not my father, but I’m not supposed to know that.”
My eyes widen. I go to say something, but stop myself so he can continue.
“My mother had an affair and ended up pregnant with me. Dad insisted she end things with the other man. She did, for the sake of Noah.”
“Oh wow,” I mumble. “I feel like a total bitch. I had no idea.”
“Of course you didn’t.” He shrugs. “But it’s fine. Talking about it is actually helping. It’s been locked up inside me, festering, for too long. My whole childhood I spent trying to work out what I’d done to make my father hate me. That is why I have a problem with him. I can handle how he treats me now—especially since I know why—but for a child to feel that unwanted and unloved?” He shakes his head, angry.
“How did you find out?” I ask softly.
“I found a stack of love letters. At first I thought they were between Mum and Dad, but as I started reading through them, I realised what they were.”
“Oh Cade, how horrible. Did you confront her?”
He shakes his head. “My mother was my only ally. I couldn’t risk losing that. Besides, I knew my father was a hard man to live with. I’m sure she had her reasons for doing what she did. Not that anything excuses what she did—just sometimes things aren’t so black and white.”
“So neither of them know that you know the truth? Even after all this time?” I ask, shocked that he’s held onto this for so long. “No wonder your…” I drop my head, a blush creeping across my cheeks. Was I really about to say that?
He chuckles, his eyes sparkling. “No wonder I’m the way I am?” he finishes. “It’s okay. I think the same thing.”
“What about your real father?” I ask tentatively.
“I’ve never met or spoken to him.” He says it with a shrug, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. “That was an easy decision. Either he knows about me and never made the effort to contact me, or he doesn’t know and approaching him will create a whole lot of drama I don’t want to deal with.”
He resumes the movie, but I don’t even pretend to watch it. I’m too caught up in my own thoughts. I pull out my phone and open it to Messenger, clicking on Calli’s number. Apart from a quick message letting them know I arrived, I haven’t spoken to anyone. Cade is right about one thing—I need to keep in contact, let them know that I’m okay.
Even if I’m not.
Chapter Fourteen
Erin
Our hotel in Venice is nicer than the one in Rome, if that’s even possible. I lucked out with my hotel choices, though I’m sure it’s eventually going to bite me on the arse. After checking in and unloading our luggage, we head off exploring. Venice is one of the places I’ve been most looking forward to seeing, along with Paris, so to be here kind of feels surreal.
“I could quite easily get lost here,” I muse. Every laneway leads to another, and they all look the same. I have no idea where we are going. I’m working on the assumption that we will end up back where we started eventually.
We pass a stall full of masks. I stop, in awe of the work in each and every design. They’re all different, each one beautiful in its own unique way.
“These started my love affair with Venice,” I mumble, fingering a pretty light pink one. I take it off the shelf and hold it up to my eyes, smiling at Cade.
“Beautiful,” he murmurs.
Embarrassed, I set it back down. “I might get it tomorrow.”
“Why not now?” he asks. “I mean, chances are we’re not going to remember how to find this stall again.” He glances around. “I thought I was good with directions, but this place is insane.”
I laugh, because he has a point. “Okay,” I say. “You’ve convinced me.”
I hand over my money and wait for the woman to carefully wrap the mask in tissue paper. She places it in a bag and hands it to me. I thank her and place it in my handbag.
Eventually we stumble back upon the hotel. The sun has set, giving way to the most beautiful light display over the glistening water of the canals. My heart swells. This is what I wanted to be able to experience.
“You look so happy,” Cade says, observing me.
“How can I not be?” I ask. “It’s beautiful. More than I imagined.”
“Sure you don’t feel like a dip?” he asks mischievously, motioning towards the canal.
I laugh, hugging my arms around me. It’s freezing, so the last thing I want is to be immersed in water.
“Why don’t you take a dip,” I say. I narrow my eyes at him, a smile forming on my lips. “I think I remember you owing me for that god-awful movie? Consider this your punishment.”
“You’re hurting me here, Erin,” he says, placing his hand over his chest. His wounded look is almost convincing. “You’re going to make me swim in freezing temperatures—”
“Naked,” I add with a grin.
“Naked?” he growls. “Is this just a ploy to see my junk? Because I’ll show you that for free.” He glances around us. “Okay, let’s do this then.”
Taking my hand, he leads me across the road. He strips off, lifting his shirt above his head and tossing it at me. I catch it and laugh. He smirks at me as he unbuckles his pants.
“I can’t believe you’re making me do this, Erin. I mean, have you seen the water? I’ll probably end up sick. Or worse, dying.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “You think that’s going to work? Get in there, Wilson. Stop being such a pussy.”
He chuckles and kicks off his jeans, flicking them through the air at me.
“You know how often they clean these canals?” he asks. He turns around and lowers his boxers.
I breathe in sharply, my eyes not leaving his perfectly shaped arse.
“Never. Sewage and everything flows in here. But I’m not one to back out of a dare.” He walks towards the edge, running his hand through his thick hair.
I sigh. “Fine, you win. Get back here,” I grumble. If he did get sick, I’d never hear the end of it.
�
��This still counts, you know,” he informs me, getting dressed.
I try not to stare as he lifts his shirt over his head, but it’s impossible to rip my eyes away from his perfectly sculpted chest.
“You make me do something, I make you do something. Where’s it going to end?”
I groan. It was still worth it, just to see him naked. I throw his jacket at him, wishing he would wipe that smug look off his face.
“Hopefully it ends with you giving in, because everything you get me to do, I’m going to make you do it worse,” I threaten, only half joking.
“Really?” he chuckles. He steps closer, so close that I can feel his warm breath against my lips.
I swallow, because I know what he’s doing and it’s not going to work. Well, maybe it is going to work, but I refuse to let him see the effect he’s having on me.
“You sure you want play this game, Erin?” he murmurs, his dark eyes piercing mine. My heart pounds, the way he’s staring at me making my knees buckle.
“I’m just trying to finish what you started,” I retort.
He stares at me for a moment. I wait for him to make his move. Is he going to kiss me? God, I hope so. How much I want him to kiss me shocks me. It’s no longer about our game. It’s about us. I swallow, wetting my lips as he leans closer. His hand grasps mine as I wait in anticipation, my heart racing, until…nothing.
Just like that, the moment is gone and I have no idea why. What happened? One minute I think he’s going to kiss me and the next he’s mumbling about getting back to the hotel. I fall into line beside him, trying to figure him out. Did I read that all wrong?
We walk back to the hotel, neither of us saying a word. I’m embarrassed and confused, because I don’t know what he’s thinking—and nothing positive can come from that. I’ll end up overanalysing things and then the paranoia will set in. Paranoid Erin is never a good thing.
“Get some sleep,” he says gruffly when we arrive back to my room. “I’ve got a little surprise planned for the morning.”
“Great,” I say, forcing a grin.
At least this gets my mind off us, because now I’ll be lying awake all night wondering what his ‘little surprise’ will be.
**
“You know, I’m glad you made me take that little impromptu swim last night,” he muses, his eyes sparkling. “It makes convincing you to do this whole thing so much easier.”
“You didn’t take that swim,” I snap. “Remember?”
“True, but I did say it counted.” His eyes gleam, which can only mean this is going to be bad for me.
I glance around nervously. What can he do to me on a bridge? Throw me into the water below?
“What are—” I cut myself off when I spot the guys holding harnesses and a bungee cord near the edge. “No. Just no.” I back away from him, shaking my head fiercely. “Not going to happen.”
“You’re going to go back on a dare?” Cade holds his arms out as the instructor straps him into a harness. “Come on, Erin. Live a little.”
I narrow my eyes at him. Live a little? I should’ve known my plan to have him skinny dip would backfire on me. He agreed to it so damn easily and managed to talk his way out of doing it. Then there was the almost kiss after it. I shiver. I was worried things would be awkward after last night, but it’s like it never happened. Focus, Erin. You have more important things to thing about right now. Like throwing yourself off a bridge.
“Nup. No way. Nada. Not happening.”
It's one thing to convince yourself that you’re fearless and that you can do anything, but it’s a complete other story when it comes to doing things that are out of your comfort zone. I know that's what this whole trip is about, but surely there are ways I can push myself that don't involve endangering my life. I laugh to myself. Because endangering my life is worth anything at this point. It's kind of funny that what scares me the most right at this moment is the thought of dying—jumping off that bridge and having that be it.
He leans in closer to me. “It'll be okay. Trust me.”
I want to trust him. I really do. I take a deep breath and for a second I feel in control, but then I look down at the water crashing over the rocks below and the panic sets in again.
I can’t do it.
“I’ll do anything—anything at all if it will get me out of hurling myself off a bridge,” I whisper. My cheeks heat as his eyes sparkle and an inquisitive grin spreads across his mouth.
“You should watch the way you word things, Erin. Someone might take that kind of statement the wrong way.”
“Or maybe the right way,” I joke—or half joke, because let’s face it, at least half of me is serious. He raises his eyebrows and I hold his gaze.
“As tempting as that is, and trust me, it’s very tempting…” He motions me to come closer. “You’re doing this, either strapped against me, or not.”
“Are you threatening to hurl me off without a harness?” I grumble. “Why are you doing this? You don’t even care that I’m sick, do you?” I accuse. I let him wrap his arms around my waist as the instructor gets to work locking me in place. I breathe in sharply when Cade’s fingers graze past the bare skin of my back.
“I’m not letting you hide behind your illness,” he murmurs, his eyes piercing mine.
“You’re going to pay for this. You know that right? The things I’m going to make you do.” I shake my head and smile. “Payback is a bitch.”
He laughs, throwing his head back. “Whatever you do to me, it'll be worth it.”
I grin, wetting my lips as I narrow my eyes at him. “If you try to run, I’ve got six little friends and they can all run faster than you can.”
He lets out a low chuckle, a look of admiration in his eyes. “Ah, one of my favourites. From Dusk till Dawn.”
“Believe it or not, me too.” I take hold of his hand, close my eyes, and we jump.
There is something to be said about jumping off a bridge and into nothingness.
The thoughts that scramble through your head, the way your body kicks into fight mode, the rush that pulsates through every part of your body. It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced. The whole freefall, all I can think about is dying. I’m so scared. I try not to think about it, and then moments like this happen where all I can do is drive over and over it in my head.
Is this what it will be like when the time comes? Will my body keep fighting even when there is nothing left to fight for?
We hit the water, the rope stretching to its limit before flying us back into the air. I scream, my heart pounding as I hold Cade against me and we are thrown into the water again. Underwater, all I can hear is the pounding of my heart as I clutch onto Cade’s wet body. After what feels like a lifetime, we hang still, twirling in tiny circles just above the waterline.
I feel more alive than I ever have. My blood pulsates through my veins as my mind tries to process what the hell just happened. Every emotion possible is racing through me. Cade laughs hysterically.
“That was fucking amazing!”
We’re lynched back up to the safety of the bridge and our harnesses are removed. I’m shaking and my poor head is thumping, but I’m so glad I did it.
“Are you okay?” Cade asks, slotting his arm around my shoulder.
I nuzzle against him, enjoying his warmth. Being this close to him feels right. It’s funny that I can feel so relaxed around someone I’ve known for such a short time. I guess it proves that time really doesn’t matter. Both the short time I’ve known Cade and the short time I have are irrelevant. I smile, a shiver racing up my spine as he glides his fingers down my back.
“I’m fine. Just thinking.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have forced you into doing that.”
“It’s okay. It’s not that.” I hesitate. How do I explain what I’m feeling without making him feel worse? “It just got me thinking about dying. That moment where everything flashes before your eyes. I just started thinking, is that what it’s going to
be like?”
“I think a lot about dying,” Cade replies.
I look at him is surprise. “You do?”
“Yeah. I think everyone does. It’s the fear of the unknown, not knowing what happens to us afterwards that ignites some serious anxiety for me.” He glances at me. “Do you believe in God?”
I think about it for a second. “I’m not sure. I believe in something. I just don’t know what that is.”
We walk down the streets of Venice, between the canals, towards our hotel. The breeze is cold against my wet hair. I shiver, and twist it away from my neck.
“Are you cold?” He starts to take his jacket off.
“I’m fine. It’s just my hair,” I say, stopping him. “Do you think we come back? After we die?”
“I do,” he says. He studies my face, his eyes intense. “It can’t just end like that. I think we die, we’re born again, and we die. The cycle continues. Do you ever have moments where you feel like a situation is familiar? Like you’ve been somewhere, or met someone before, even though you know that’s not possible? I think we cross paths with our loved ones again and again, and little things spark a kind of response in us.”
“That’s a nice way of thinking about it,” I say with a small smile. “It’s not death itself I fear, it’s the thought of losing contact with the people that I love. So to think that we cross paths again is pretty comforting.” I give him a shy grin. “You’re really easy to talk to. I feel I can tell you anything. My family go into meltdown whenever I mention dying.”
“I can understand that.” He nods. “And I can also understand how talking about it is something that you need to be able to do. I’m glad I can help.”
We arrive back at the hotel. It’s been a big day, and all I really want to do is go to sleep. I’m exhausted, and my headache is worsening by the second. Cade leaves me at my door. I go inside and crawl into bed, certain I’ll be asleep within minutes.
Chapter Fifteen
Cade
“Tell me about Bella.”
I turn to Erin. Where do I even begin?
“Where did you meet?” she asks, as if reading my mind.
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