My third and final request is an important one, and you’re probably going to roll your eyes, but humour me, okay? I want you to remember how important family is. Your parents love you, and now more than ever, you’re going to need them. Call them, Cade. Talk to them. Call your brother. I’m not telling you to forget everything that’s happened, but give them a chance to fix their mistakes, just like you wanted the chance to fix yours.
Now, on to the serious stuff.
I’m pretty confident that right now you’ll be blaming yourself, but I need you to understand that this was my decision. You should know by now that I don’t give in to peer pressure very easily. All you did was give me the chance to buy more time, and while it didn’t work, I’ll never regret trying. I love that you did that for me. You always put me first, which was one of the things I loved about you.
Meeting you was the highlight of my life. It was only a few weeks, but it was the best few weeks I could’ve asked for. I’m not going to tell you to forget me and move on, because I know you won’t listen, but I want you to be open to falling in love again. You don’t have to go out and find someone tomorrow, but someday, if you meet someone, know that I want that for you. You’re such an amazing, beautiful person that nothing would make me happier than knowing you’re sharing your life with someone who makes you feel the way you made me feel.
I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but our story does have a happy ending, because I found you. You were everything I needed to be able to accept my fate. You were the missing piece that I spent my life searching for. Every moment I spent with you is a moment I cherished (God, now I’m quoting Aerosmith) and I’ll never forget you.
I love you so, so much,
“Now, be brave and don't look back.”
Erin xxx
“Star Wars,” I mumble, a sob escaping me.
I can’t move. I sit on the floor, clutching her letter in my shaking hands, tears stinging my eyes. When did she find the time to write this without me knowing? It’s exactly what I needed, with every word piercing through my heart.
Even until the last second, she wasn’t thinking about herself. It was about me, and her family, and making sure we were going to be okay. I get up and tuck the letter safely into my suitcase, next to my passport.
It’s not going to be easy, I know that, but I’m going to do my best to achieve her requests and make her proud of me. I can start with number two: see the world. I saw so many places as a child, but it’s completely different travelling when you’re older. You don’t have the restrictions of parents, or age. You can do anything, and see anything.
I’ve always wanted to go to Iceland and see the northern lights. I smile tenderly. Erin would’ve loved that. That’s it. I snatch my phone up and click on Calli’s number, waiting impatiently for her to answer.
“Hello?” she says.
I breathe in sharply at the sound of her voice. I don’t think hearing it will ever get easier.
“Calli, it’s Cade. I just wanted to see what I should do with Erin’s suitcase. Did you want me to leave it with reception so you can send someone to pick it up?”
“That would be great if you could,” she says. “Thanks, Cade.”
“There was something else,” I say hastily. The real reason I called. The thing that I have no idea how she’s going to react to. “I wanted to run something past you.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Cade
Six months later
I stare out at the spectacular skyline in absolute awe. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful than the display in front of me. The sky is a pallet of blue, green, and purple, each colour swirling into the next, creating the most mind-blowing illusion that is stunning enough to make me forget that it’s minus twenty degrees. Even in my thick jacket, warm woollen gloves, and beanie, I’m still freezing my arse off.
She would’ve loved this.
I close my eyes and try to imagine her reaction. Those blue eyes would light up with excitement and those full lips would lift into a smile. Her smile was one of the things I loved most about her. Thinking about her evokes so many emotions in me. I’m sad our life together was so short-lived, but I’m honoured to have met her in the first place, and that’s what I try and focus on.
I look down at the small silver pendant I clutch in my hand—the same one I’ve been carrying with me everywhere for the last six months. At every destination, I twist open the tiny silver heart and sprinkle a little piece of Erin. She wanted to be everywhere, and I was doing my best to make that a reality.
The night I found Erin’s letter, I’d called Calli to ask her something.
“I don’t even know how to say this,” I’d said with an embarrassed laugh. “You said Erin wanted to be cremated so she could be anywhere and do anything. I want to do that for her. Let me take her to all the places that I know she would love and let her go.”
“You want to release her ashes?” Calli asked, her voice soft. “She’d love that idea, Cade. I think Mum and Dad would too.”
Two days after her funeral, Calli arrived back in London to hand Erin’s ashes over to me. I stayed at the airport with her for the few hours before she caught her connecting flight back home. From there, I began our journey.
In the last six months, I’ve made sure that Erin has seen more of the world than I bet she ever thought she would. I’ve been cave-diving in Mexico, skiing in Switzerland, elephant-riding in Thailand—and on every adventure, she was right there with me. Finally, it’s brought us here, to Iceland, to see the northern lights.
If I could only choose one place to release her ashes, it would’ve been here because, like Erin, it’s beauty is unrivalled.
My heart races as I unscrew the tiny heart for the last time. A rush of sadness shoots through me as I scatter the last of her ashes against the freezing cold wind and watch her disappear into the atmosphere. As if on cue, a fresh gust of wind hits me in the face, almost toppling me over.
I smile. She’s here with me. I’m sure of it.
This is where my trip ends. Iceland is my last stop before I head back over to London to finish my medical degree. I had to jump through so many hoops to get my credits transferred over to the prestigious University College, but with the help of Erin’s surgeon and his connections, I’m in. I’ve been given a great opportunity, and I’m going to make the most of it, because if there’s one thing Erin taught me, it’s that life goes on.
No matter what happens, the world doesn’t stop moving, even if it feels like it should.
Before Erin, I didn’t understand loss. Finding her, even for the short time I knew her, turned my life around. What she taught me most of all was that you should cherish what you have and live your dreams now, because you never know when they’re going to be taken from you.
I didn’t lose Erin. I found her, and every day I’ll remember how lucky I was to find someone like her to fall in love with. So many people never get to experience that, but I did for a few wonderful weeks.
Our story has a happy ending, because it began in the first place.
Epilogue
Cade
Three years later
I knock on the door before walking inside. It feels like forever since I’ve been home, and I guess it has been. It’s been nearly four years since I was last in this house. I push the screen door open and walk down the hallway towards the kitchen, where I can hear my mother banging away. She curses loudly and the stench of smoke wafts past me. I smile. She never was a great cook.
“Hey Mum.” I poke my head around the corner.
She looks up, her eyes widening like she can’t believe it’s me. She drops the whisk she’s holding and rushes towards me.
“You’re home,” she whispers, tears rolling down her cheeks. She looks older, her dark brown hair now peppered with grey. “It’s so good to see you, Cade.” She throws her arms around me, hugging me so tight that I wonder if she’s going to let go.
I close my eyes.
It feels good to be hugged, because it hasn’t happened in so long.
“When you didn’t come home for her funeral…” She shakes her head, her eyes teary. “I’ve been so worried about you, Cade. I had no idea how you were coping.”
“I told you I was okay, Mum.” I smile. “I’m sorry I didn’t come back earlier, just with university and work…” My voice trails off. We both know I could’ve made time if I wanted to.
“Come in here.” Mum leads me into the living room, ushering me to sit down. I do, and she sits next to me, her hands not leaving mine.
Since Erin died, things between my parents and I have been strained, to say the least. I’ve kept in contact with them, but mostly through weekly emails, letting them know I was okay. It took a long time for me to be able to face my many problems, and I couldn’t risk the issues I have with my parents setting me back. I was determined to succeed and be someone that Erin would’ve been proud of—someone that I could be proud of. It’s taken a long time, but I think I’m finally there.
“I’m so sorry, Cade. All I ever wanted was to help you. I didn’t mean for you to fall in love with her.”
“Don’t be sorry for that,” I mumble. She thinks Erin is the reason I haven’t been home. “She was an amazing girl that I was lucky to have in my life at all. I’m fine, Mum. You don’t need to worry, okay?”
“How long are you back for?” she asks. “Maybe your father can find you a job at the hospital—”
“I’m not back for long,” I say, cutting her off. “I’m starting my residency in Switzerland next month. It’s two years, but I hope it turns into more.”
“Switzerland?” Mum says. I see the hope fade in her eyes and feel guilty.
“You can visit me as much as you want,” I say with a smile. “And I promise I will come home more now that my studies are done.”
I take a deep breath, remembering why I’m here. To fix our relationship. The only way this is going to work is if we are open and honest with each other about everything. This is the first time I’ve felt strong enough to bring this up.
“I need to speak with you about something.” I pull my hand away and rub my face. Shit, this is hard. Who would’ve thought your mother’s infidelity would be a difficult topic to bring up?
“What is it?” Her face tenses and I know her first thought is gambling.
The truth is, I haven’t touched a bet since that night in Paris, and I haven’t wanted to. Maybe that’s why I went searching for extreme adventures, to give me the high I was chasing without breaking one of Erin’s wishes. Every time I felt like I was falling apart—and it happened a lot—I’d pull out her letter, her words becoming my addiction.
“It’s about you,” I begin. “And my father.”
Her face pales, a stark contrast to her wide, dark eyes. Her reaction surprises me, because even though it’s never been brought up, I’m shocked he didn’t tell her that I knew. I push myself to continue.
“When I was fourteen, I found a stack of letters in the back of your wardrobe.” I’d been looking for my birthday present, but I found more than I ever wanted to. At the very least, it stopped me from ever snooping again. “They were a series of letters between you and my father. My real father.”
Mum weeps softly. She can’t even look at me.
I put my arm around her shoulder. “I’m not mad, Mum, I just need you to know that I know. Finding those letters explained a lot for me, like why nothing I did was ever good enough for Dad.”
“Your dad loves you—”
“He also saw what you did to him every time he looked at me.” I sigh. No matter how hard this is, I need to keep going. “I need you to make me understand why you did it. You wrote that you felt neglected and that he left you to look after Noah. Is that true?”
“If you want to know whether I’m to blame or your father is, then it’s me. One hundred percent,” she replies. “Your father worked hard to provide for his family, and I…” She shakes her head. “I never should have done what I did, and I regret it every single day.”
“I’m not looking to blame anyone,” I say gently. “I just need to understand, Mum. I grew up wondering why he loved Noah more than me. I couldn’t work out what I’d done wrong.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I never thought…I never realised you felt that way.”
“Does my real father know about me?” I ask. I brace myself for her answer, not sure what I want to hear.
“He didn’t. He died in a car crash when you were a year old. I never told him about you, and once he was gone, things between your dad and I got better.”
I nod, taking a moment to digest everything. At the very least, I feel like I’m getting closure. Maybe I’ll finally be able to put this behind me and move on. Whether or not I can build a relationship with Dad remains to be seen.
“I’ll see you later, okay, Mum?” I lean over and give her a hug, because I want her to know that we’re going to be okay.
**
“Uncle Cade!”
I crouch down and let Eden jump up into my arms. “Oh look at you! You’re getting so big,” I exclaim.
She proudly rolls up her sleeve to display her tiny muscles, making me smile. She’s by far the cutest two-year-old I’ve ever seen. “Mummy said if I eat my crusts I’ll be big and strong,” she says with a wide, toothy smile.
I glance up at Bella and grin. “Then you better listen to your mummy. She knows a lot.” Standing up, I ruffle Eden’s mop of thick brown hair and then walk over to Bella.
“You’re looking good,” she says to me and I smile. She looks good too. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this happy, or my brother.
Noah walks in carrying two beers. He hands me one and slaps me on the back. “Good to have you back, bro, even if it’s only for a few days.”
The funny thing is, even though things are difficult between Mum, Dad and I, Noah and I are the closest we’ve ever been. He flew over to London shortly after Erin died to check on me. We bonded over a few too many drinks and somehow repaired our fragile relationship. He stayed for a week, until he was sure I was going to be okay, and by the time he left, we were in a good place. I’m grateful for that because it enabled me be a part of Eden’s life. They’re been over to visit twice, and with all the Skype sessions, I feel like I’ve watched her grow up.
“It’s good to be back,” I say, meaning it. “How’s the world of podiatry?”
“Low stress, good money. What’s not to like?” He grins.
I chuckle, about to reply when I see my father. He stands in the doorway, awkwardly holding a beer. We haven’t properly spoken since that night, other than for him to gruffly tell me he was sorry that she had died. I walk over and give him a hug. It feels less than natural, but it’s a start. I wasn’t expecting to see him here, but I might as well get this over with too.
“Your mother called and said you were back. She mentioned something about Switzerland,” he says. He looks like he wants to say more, but doesn’t.
I nod. Nerves kick around my stomach, which surprises me. I thought I was past wanting his approval, but apparently I’m not. “I applied for residency at the Freedman Clinic and was accepted.”
“The assisted suicide clinic?” he asks, surprised.
“That’s the one,” I say, pleased that he’s heard of it.
“I didn’t know you had an interest in that,” he murmurs.
I raise my eyebrows. Does my father almost sound impressed?
“I admire you, Cade. That will be one of the hardest experiences of your life.”
I’d argue that, because losing Erin was pretty damn hard.
“Is that what you want to do?” he asks.
I smile, finding it funny that I’m twenty-eight and this is the first proper conversation about my career that I’ve ever had with my father. Most parents have this conversation when their kids are still in school, but not mine. But at least he’s making an effort. That’s more than he’s ever done bef
ore.
“What I’d love to do is start a not-for-profit organisation helping foreign individuals with terminal illnesses who use services like the Freedman Clinic offers,” I say honestly. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, and though it will take a lot of planning and preparation—just the legal side of things will be a logistical nightmare—it’s something I want to do in her memory. “There isn’t much support for these people before or for their families after. I’d like to change that.”
“If you get through your residency and still want to do it, maybe I can help you get it up and running.”
Did I hear him right? I never expected anything like this from him. I smile. If he can give an inch, then I can too.
“I’d like that.”
I probably wouldn’t be standing here drinking a beer with my dad, in my brother’s house, if it wasn’t for Erin. We’ve still got a long way to go to fix things, but for the first time it actually feels possible.
Before Erin, I was out of control and hell-bent on ruining my life. I couldn’t see a way out of the mess I’d created. I was so caught up in my own problems that I couldn’t recognise how superficial and stupid they were when there were people in the world who were truly suffering. All that changed the day I met Erin.
I saved her life, and she repaid me by saving mine.
Out of Reach excerpt (Love Hurts, #2)
Prologue
Andy
Death. It is the only certainty in life.
It’s such a small word that holds such a powerful message. We avoid talking about it and we fear it, because we’re taught to do so, because nobody really knows what happens when you die. It’s that uncertainty that is so terrifying.
It’s amazing how being told you’re going to die puts things into perspective.
How being told your body is going to slowly give up on you makes you reevaluate everything you thought you once knew. Things you take for granted suddenly seem so fragile. The worst part isn’t the thought of dying itself, it’s everything you’re going to be leaving behind.
Don't Hold Back (Love Hurts Book 4) Page 20