by Annette Mori
“So do I,” Carly whispered.
I know you do, but it’s not the same. You have Abbie. I need someone to look at me like… Shit, I don’t know how to say it.
“Like she’s the only person who will ever complete you,” she murmured.
Yes, exactly, and Quinn looks at me that way.
When I looked up, for a second I thought that was exactly the way Carly was looking at me in that moment, but with even more emotion. I thought there was a longing in her expression that maybe I’d missed due to my own insecurities. After a few seconds, she looked away.
“Welcome to the club. I’ll send you a toaster in the mail,” she quipped.
I was used to her rapid shifting from one topic to another, but this felt forced. I sensed that she was doing her best to climb this hurdle of hurt at my lies of omission.
Are we okay? I grabbed her hand and made sure that our fingers intertwined with one another.
She nodded, but I saw a single tear escape before she plastered on a smile.
It took two days for us to get back on track again, but by the time winter quarter started, everything returned to normal. Both of us had aced all our classes and our confidence that we would make it unscathed through college was at an all-time high.
Chapter Twenty-three
Halfway into winter quarter when Quinn and I were on a date, I got my first glimpse of Abbie’s slide back into her addiction.
We were coming out of the local pizza place when we heard Abbie and her group of friends stumbling out of the pub across the street. I looked up when I heard Abbie laughing. She had her arm slung around a petite brunette. One of her roommates was swaying against another woman.
“We could play strip spin the bottle back at our room. I have a bottle of tequila,” Abbie slurred.
“What about Carly? Shouldn’t we invite her to join the party? She’s your girlfriend,” her roommate garbled.
“Nah, she’s studying again. She won’t mind,” Abbie mumbled.
I was rolling to Abbie so fast that Quinn nearly had to jog to keep up.
When Abbie looked up, she quickly removed her arm from the other woman’s shoulder and stumbled in my direction.
I was pissed and I think she knew it.
“Please, don’t tell Carly. I’ll do better. I promise,” she pleaded.
I just glared at her.
“This is the first slip up. I swear. Things got out of hand. I’ll get coffee right now. You can follow me,” Abbie offered.
Against my better judgement, I agreed. I really did want Abbie to turn things around and I knew enough about alcoholism to know that sometimes people slipped up multiple times before treatment truly took hold. I would give her the benefit of the doubt.
After coffee, we’re heading to your room to pour out the tequila.
“No, don’t do that, we’ll take it. I promise not to let Abbie have any, but it would be such a waste to throw it out,” the brunette begged.
I looked up at Quinn and she shrugged.
“It’s in my desk drawer. Help yourself,” Abbie said.
“Cool,” her roommate answered. She stumbled away with her friends, while Abbie followed us to the closest coffee house.
I was pre-occupied with how in the world could I justify keeping this from my best friend, when Quinn touched my shoulder. “Coffee?” she asked.
I shook my head. I didn’t need anything that would keep me awake half the night.
We sat there in silence while Abbie sobered up.
“I’ll go to a meeting tomorrow. I promise,” she said as we parted.
†
Almost a week later, Carly and I were in our room studying, when Carly tilted her head back and just stared at the ceiling. For some reason, I always had this sixth sense about her moods and I knew the instant she started ruminating about something.
Even when I was deep into my studies, I always kept Carly in my sight. I would look up occasionally just to watch her concentrate on whatever subject had her immediate focus. As I watched her stare at the ceiling, I decided it was time to get her attention and force her to fess up to whatever was causing her lack of focus.
I tossed a crumpled up paper in her direction and wrote, Give it up, girlfriend—what’s got your panties in a knot?
“I think Abbie is drinking again. I’m pretty sure I smelled it on her the other night.”
My heart started palpitating. Shit, what was I going to tell her now? I calmly scribbled, I thought it wasn’t a big deal if she has one or two drinks, you know that moderation therapy stuff.
“I don’t think you end up smelling like a brewery if you only have one beer. The smell was oozing from her pores. What do you think I should do? Should I confront her?”
I desperately wanted to stay out of this, but I cared about both of them and honestly thought maybe it would help. I think that would be good.
“Will you be there with me when I do? We can do a kind of intervention,” Carly proposed.
I didn’t think that was a very good idea, but what could I do. She was my best friend and I loved her. I would agree to just about anything. Okay. Maybe we can ask Quinn to be there too.
“Yeah. That’s a good idea,” she agreed. “Quinn has a way about her that seems to calm everyone down in case it gets emotional,” she added.
I thought I saw a hint of fear in her eyes and I was glad she had listened to my suggestion.
“We should do it tomorrow night before the weekend truly begins.”
I nodded and returned to my book so I wouldn’t have to look her in the eye, knowing what I knew about Abbie’s tumble off the wagon.
Carly sighed and returned to her own studies.
†
Quinn’s large hand covered mine as we waited for Carly and Abbie to return from their date. Carly asked us to meet her in the room at around seven.
Abbie was all smiles until she noticed Quinn sitting next to me with a serious expression on her face. I’m sure it was obvious to her that we were waiting for them to return. I imagine the look on my face was equally intense.
I knew that cornered animals could be very dangerous, I just didn’t expect that reaction from Abbie.
Her eyes shifted rapidly from Quinn to Carly before they landed directly on me.
“You fucker, you told her after you promised me you wouldn’t.”
I vigorously shook my head, but it was too late, Carly already picked up on Abbie’s accusation.
Carly turned her sad eyes in my direction. “Belinda, what is she talking about?”
For the second time, I’d committed a grave lie of omission. Was I destined to continually hurt my best friend?
I started crying.
Carly squatted on the floor and wiped my tears. “It’s okay, I think I understand. She made you promise, didn’t she?”
I nodded.
“So, you knew?”
I couldn’t look her in the eye. She lifted my chin to make me face her and confess my sins. I nodded again.
“Sit.” Quinn commanded as she pointed at Abbie.
“The hell I will. This is an ambush. I told you I was handling it. I don’t need this shit,” Abbie yelled and stormed out of the room.
Carly jumped up and ran after her. “Wait, we just want to talk.”
“Leave me the fuck alone.” I heard Abbie say before Quinn got up and quietly closed the door.
“You were in an untenable position,” Quinn consoled.
I continued to cry softly.
Quinn lifted me up and gently placed me on my bed. She crawled next to me, folded me in her massive arms, and let me slobber on her shoulder while she made soothing shushing sounds.
A half an hour later, Carly returned to the room. Her eyes were red and puffy. She glanced at Quinn and me wrapped in each other’s arms on my bed and started to walk back out when Quinn disengaged herself. “Don’t leave. You two need to talk.” She kissed me on the forehead. “I’ll come by tomorrow, okay?”
; I acknowledged her offer and smiled to let her know I was grateful for her support.
She smiled back and gave me a quick peck on the lips before walking out.
I grabbed my tablet and started to write.
Carly held her hand up. “Don’t. I don’t want to know your reasons. This is the second time you’ve held back something really important. Am I so hard to talk to?”
Oh, God. My worst fear was coming true. Carly would walk out of my life and never forgive me for my failure to confide in her. I was going to lose her for good.
I couldn’t think of anything else to say, so I simply wrote, Please, don’t leave me.
“You silly goose, what in the world would make you think I was going to leave you? God, you can be so exasperating at times. I’m just really pissed right now and I’m not entirely sure who I’m most angry with—you or Abbie.”
I wanted to tell you. I swear I did. Turns out you knew anyway. I would have told you if I saw her drunk a second time. I just really wanted to believe she would get back on track. Abbie’s not a bad person, she just has a debilitating illness. I wrote this as fast as I could.
“I know that. I’m just not sure I love her enough to work through this with her. I promised her I would give it my most valiant effort. You know it’s funny because if this were you struggling with addiction, I’d stick with you no matter what. That’s how much I love you. I’ll get past this, but you have to swear to me right now that you’ll never keep something this important from me ever again.”
I nodded, but I wondered if this applied to the fact that I was secretly in love with her. I vowed to myself that if she ever asked me outright, I would confess, but I didn’t need to complicate her life any more than it already was. Maybe I could just confess in a way that wouldn’t completely reveal my feelings.
I love you that much, too, I wrote back.
She smiled. “Okay, doofus, it’s time to get you ready for bed. You have a way of getting me to forgive you for just about anything. Damn. I can never stay mad at you.”
And I will never fall out of love with you I thought to myself.
I kept letting opportunity after opportunity pass me by to let Carly know how I really felt about her. I suppose I didn’t feel worthy of her love. I thought Abbie made a better partner, even with her disease. At least she would be able to hike with her and bike with her. Carly was an active woman and I would only hold her back from doing all the things she loved to do. It was better this way, I convinced myself.
Chapter Twenty-four
I probably would have eventually started speech therapy again at some point, but the true reason was a bathroom mishap that got the ball rolling.
It was late at night and I’d had a very long day packed with therapy appointments, my longest class day, and a ton of homework. After rolling myself into the bathroom and struggling to get my pants down, I attempted a transfer to the toilet. Unfortunately, I misjudged the distance and landed on my ass with my pants bunched up around my ankles. If I didn’t know any better I would have sworn my pants were mocking me. When I landed on the floor my head hit the toilet and it hurt so much, I made a noise that sounded like a cross between a grunt and the letter m. It was loud enough for Carly to hear.
Carly came bursting into the bathroom like a madwoman. “Oh, God, Belinda, are you all right?”
I was rubbing my head and nodding at the same time.
Carly lifted me onto the toilet, assuming that was my ultimate destination and then, as if a lightbulb went off in her head she exclaimed, “You made a noise. Belinda, you made a noise. That is so awesome. Well, not that you got hurt, but that you made a noise. I’m calling your primary therapist tomorrow and getting you an appointment with the speech therapist. Do you even know how huge this is?”
I didn’t have my tablet so I just sat there, on the toilet, blinking my eyes. I felt ridiculous sitting on the toilet with my pants around my ankles with no way to respond to Carly.
She must have realized my predicament because she started backing out of the bathroom. “I’ll just let you finish and we can talk about it when you come out. Just knock on the wall if you need help.”
I was extra careful when I transferred back into my chair and tugged my pants back over my bare ass. I was barely back in the main room when Carly started chattering away.
“I knew you’d find your voice again. Now, the therapists have something to work with. Is this the first time you’ve made a sound?” she asked.
I grabbed my tablet. No, the first time was when you gave me that enthusiastic hug. Although it wasn’t very loud. As I continued to write, I felt my face flush and I imagined I was bright red with embarrassment. The second time was at the end of last quarter when I kissed Quinn.
Carly narrowed her eyes. I flashed back to the time that Carly kissed me. I wondered why I hadn’t made a noise then. Maybe it was because I was so shocked it kept me speechless. Regardless, I thought that maybe Carly was remembering the kiss and wondering the very same thing.
“Oh,” she replied.
She sounded sad.
My kiss with Quinn wasn’t unexpected, I tried to explain.
“Do you ever think about our kiss?” she asked.
All the time, I answered honestly.
“So it wasn’t unwelcome?”
Not at all. Unexpected, but definitely not unwelcome.
“Oh. Why didn’t you say anything at the time?” she asked.
I didn’t know what to say and then you told me the next day that you and Abbie were working things out. What was I supposed to do?
“Be honest with me. Always be honest with me. Nothing good ever comes from lies or partial truths.”
I never lied, I just never told you exactly how I was feeling.
“Will you tell me now?” she pleaded.
This was the moment of truth. I’d promised her that I wouldn’t keep anything from her ever again and I’d promised myself if she asked, I would tell. I nodded and wrote the words that came from my heart. I think I’ve been in love with you from the moment I awakened and saw your beautiful face in my room.
“Oh, holy hell. What in the world are we going to do now? You have to know that I fell in love with you ages ago. I wish you’d told me the truth.”
God, we’re a pair of idiots. I thought that you cared about me, but I didn’t really believe you were in love with me like I was with you. Why didn’t you ever tell me? I countered.
“That’s a good question. I’m not really sure. I suppose I was afraid you’d never feel the same about me. At first I thought you were straight and then when I got an inkling that you weren’t, I didn’t think you quite felt the same. You’ve been with me every step of the way, through my coming out process so you know that there’s a whole lot of insecurity that accompanies the struggle to come to terms with your sexuality. Shit, you must have grappled with the same issues. I get it now. You probably had it much harder than me. Here you were fighting to recover while trying to understand all these strange new feelings. No wonder you never told me. What about Quinn?”
I love Quinn, but I’m not in love with her. I think she knows that, but is hoping it will develop, given more time. I don’t want to hurt her. She’s one of the nicest people I know. She’s been very good to me.
She nodded. “I promised Abbie I would try to make things work with her. Shit. I can’t break that promise, but I really, really, want to.”
Abbie is vulnerable now. You need to stick by her like you’ve always stuck by me. I just can’t lose you as my best friend. I promise to always be honest with you, but we can’t act on these feelings. You know that, right?
“Yeah. I guess I do. Well, for now, it appears as though we are in an onerous position. Onerous is my word for the day and it couldn’t be any more appropriate to our situation. It means involving heavy obligations or an overly burdensome amount of effort and difficulty. Make no mistake that it will take a great deal of effort to keep from acting on my feelings now. It
seems that what I want and what I can have are two very different things.”
I stroked her cheek and gave her a quick chaste kiss on the lips. I wouldn’t let things go any further and neither would she.
Integrity sucks.
Chapter Twenty-five
There was no way Carly was going to let any grass grow under my wheelchair. She made sure I had an appointment with a speech therapist even after having just completed therapy the previous day. She argued that I had a huge breakthrough and besides my therapy the day before was only occupational and physical therapy as opposed to speech therapy. Since it wasn’t my normal day and time, Carly borrowed Fran’s car and waited patiently in the outer room at the clinic.
I liked this new speech therapist from the moment we met. She reminded me a little of Nessa, the wonderful nursing assistant at the rehab center, with her quick smile and overflowing positive energy. I got the impression that even if I wasn’t able to repeat the sound I’d inadvertently made the day before, she wouldn’t give up on me like the other therapist.
“Hello, Belinda. My name is Taylor and if you’ll let me, I’m going to be your speech therapist. We’re going to work together to make this final journey to the spoken word. There is not a single doubt in my mind that you can jump this hurdle.”
I smiled at her and wrote, Thank you.
“First, I need you to tell me all about this recent event where Carly heard a vocalization and if there are any other times this has happened,” Taylor instructed.
I was clumsy the other day and fell. A spontaneous mmf type sound came out. Before that when Carly overzealously hugged me, I kind of grunted. Finally…. I paused because I was embarrassed to write the last part down.
She looked at me and chuckled as she noticed when I stopped writing. I was sure my face was bright red.
“Hey, don’t worry. I’ve heard it all here. You can tell me anything. It’s important for me to hear everything so I know what our game plan will be. One day, I was working with a guy who sounded like he just farted. I swear I’m not making that up.”