To Love Again

by E. L. Todd

  “I can’t wait until our son gets here.” He slowly thrust inside me. “Then I’m going to knock you up all over again.”

  The idea of him getting me pregnant sent chills down my spine. The area between my legs flooded with more moisture. My hands immediately went to his chest and I felt the powerful muscle there. “Yes…I want another baby.” My hand moved to his ass and I pulled him into me harder. “And another one after that.”

  ***

  I invited my parents over for dinner but I was a little nervous how things would go. Cayson said he made up with my father but had he really? Would it be tense at the dinner table? Was I stressing over nothing?

  Cayson came home right after five like usual. “Hey, baby. It smells good.”

  “Steak and potatoes.”

  “Ooh…sounds good.” He wrapped his arm around me and gave me a kiss. “I saw Laura today.” He always told me that every time it happened. I never asked but I wanted to know whenever he interacted with her. “We had a meeting and then she left. Nothing else was said.”

  “Okay.”

  He rubbed his nose against mine. “I’m going to shower before dinner.”

  “I like it when you’re sweaty from the gym.”

  He chuckled. “I know you do.” He kissed the corner of my mouth before he turned away.

  “My parents are coming over for dinner tonight.”

  He turned back around. “Oh…then I’ll hurry.”

  It didn’t seem like he cared.

  ***

  I sat with my parents at the table while they drank their wine.

  “This is good,” Mom said. “Where did you get it?”

  “I found it in the cupboard. I think it was a wedding gift.” I sipped my apple juice and missed the bitterness of red wine.

  “Only a few more months and you can drink all you want.” Dad gave me a knowing smile.

  “Well, she can’t drink all she wants,” Mom said. “She’s got a son to raise.”

  “You and I drank all the time and the kids turned out great.” Dad smiled because he was teasing.

  Mom rolled her eyes but she smiled at the same time.

  “How’s the pregnancy treating you?” Dad asked.

  “It’s getting harder to move,” I said. “I waddle everywhere I go and I’m constantly snacking on cookies. Every time Cayson comes home the entire batch is gone.”

  “I ate a lot of sweets when I was pregnant too,” Mom said.

  “At least I’m not the only one,” I said.

  “Excited for the wedding this weekend?” Dad asked.

  “Super excited,” I said. “I’m glad they’re finally tying the knot.”

  “Cortland is happy.” Dad took another sip of his wine.

  I was glad Dad and Cortland were friends again. They’d been close since I could remember.

  Cayson finally entered the kitchen, his hair a little damp. “Sorry I took so long. I just wanted to make sure I didn’t stink during dinner.”

  Mom chuckled. “We appreciate the thoughtfulness.” She rose from her chair and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you for having us.”

  “Thank you for coming.” Cayson moved to my father next. There was an initial moment of awkwardness as they stared at each other. Cayson seemed to remember all the pain my father caused him. But it passed, replaced with the newfound relationship they forged together. Then they embraced.

  “Thanks for your hospitality,” Dad said. “The wine is excellent.”

  “I’ll have to take your word for it.” Cayson took the seat beside me but didn’t pour himself a glass of wine. He only drank in social situations with his friends and not around family or me.

  “How was work?” Mom asked Cayson.

  “Hectic like usual.” Cayson cut into his food and immediately began eating. “This is good, baby. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” I felt my cheeks blush even though I wasn’t sure why.

  “Any virus outbreaks we should be on the lookout for?” Dad asked.

  “None that are in this country.” Cayson didn’t talk with his mouth full, but once he was done talking he immediately began scarfing his food down.

  “Tomorrow I’m going golfing with a few friends,” Dad said. “Would you like to come along?”

  “Sure,” Cayson said. “As long as you aren’t a sore loser when I beat you.”

  I smiled because everything felt normal again.

  Dad chuckled. “Save your trash talk for the green.”

  Mom smiled for the exact same reason. Then she exchanged a look with me.

  The universe was right once again and everything felt the way it used to. We were all one big family, and my husband no longer hated my father. We hadn’t had dinner together like this in so long, and now I learned to really appreciate it.

  I would never take it for granted ever again.

  Chapter Three

  Arsen

  A week had come and gone and I hadn’t spoken to Silke. I went to the museum every day hoping to catch her when she went to work or left, but she was never there. I called her countless times but she never answered.

  Abby was finally returned to me, and she didn’t notice anything was wrong. Silke, Ryan, and Janice had done a good job pretending everything was perfectly normal. When Ryan dropped her off he still had that disappointed look in his eyes.

  “I’ll be keeping an eye on you.”

  “I haven’t been drinking.” All I’d been doing was moping around the house trying to figure out how I was going to fix this mess with Silke. I’d hardly slept or even eaten.

  “I’ll still come by and check on you.” He headed to the door without saying another word.

  “Ryan, wait.” I joined him in the entryway.

  He gave me a blank stare, like nothing I said mattered to him.

  “How is she?”

  “Fine.” He wouldn’t give me anything else.

  “Ryan, please.”

  “How do you think she is?” he asked coldly. “She’s miserable.”

  “Not as miserable as I am.”

  Ryan walked out the door.

  “Please let me talk to her.”

  “Just leave her alone, Arsen.”

  “She hasn’t been going to work.”

  “She’s been working from home,” he said in a bored voice. “Because she knows you’ll make an appearance.”

  I just needed five minutes to explain—five minutes. “Ryan, I love her. Just let me talk to her.”

  He gave me another cold stare. “If my daughter doesn’t want to talk to you, then she doesn’t talk to you. Stop asking me.” He walked down the steps and headed to the sidewalk.

  I leaned against the panel and tried not to scream. My life was falling apart—piece-by-piece.

  ***

  I was tired of waiting around for her to be ready. If I waited too long it might be too late. What if she forgot about me and started dating? What if she hated me so much there was no coming back from that?

  It was totally wrong and I knew Ryan would kill me later, but I didn’t care. I picked the lock of the front door until it came loose. When the door cracked open, the chain on top kept the door shut. I pulled my pliers and cut it. Then the door came free.

  The second I stepped inside I looked for Silke. But I didn’t need to look far because she was sitting at the kitchen table, looking unnaturally thin and hollow. Her cheeks were thinned out, and her eyes had no light to them.

  We stared at each other, neither one of us speaking.

  Her computer was in front of her as well as some paperwork. She was probably working and my intrusion interrupted her. She didn’t look happy to see me. Actually, she looked pissed. “My dad won’t be happy when he sees what you did.”

  “But he’ll understand why I did it.” I slowly approached the table, not wanting to scare her off like a timid bird.

  She didn’t rise from her seat but she watched my every move.

  “Silke, let me explain.”
r />   “Explain what?” She spoke like she was bored. This conversation meant absolutely nothing to her.

  “About last week. It’s not what you think.”

  “No, it’s exactly what I think,” she said coldly. “You came home drunk off your ass. I doubt you even remember it.”

  She was right. I didn’t remember most of it. “I made a mistake and it won’t happen again. When I was out with Levi he blamed me for my mother’s death. He made me feel like shit and—”

  “Forced you to drink so much liquor you could barely walk?”

  “No…but I fell in the darkness. It was one mistake and it won’t happen again.”

  “You could have called me. You could have called Ryan. You could have reached out to a dozen people for help. But you didn’t, Arsen. You made your decision. I gave you three chances to clean up your act but you’ve struck out. I warned you this would happen. Maybe you shouldn’t have called my bluff.”

  “Silke.” I moved into the chair beside her. “I will apologize a million times if that’s what you need. I’ll see a therapist for my emotional issues. I’ll go to AA meetings for the drinking. I will do absolutely anything you want to make this right.” I wasn’t above begging at this point. I had the most amazing woman in the world and I threw her away. I had to get her back—at any cost.

  “And that would have been useful before your last episode.”

  “Silke, please.” I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “I love you and you love me. We can make this work. Please give me one more chance. Just one.”

  “I already gave you one more chance,” she said quietly. “You promised you wouldn’t hurt me again, but that’s exactly what you did.”

  “And I’m sorry for that.” I tried to keep my voice low so I wouldn’t yell at the top of my lungs. “But some crazy things happened to me. My mom came back into my life and then she died from lung cancer. Silke, cut me some slack.”

  “I did cut you some slack—a lot.”

  I held her hand to my chest. “Just a little more. Please.” I held her gaze as I said it. “I’m here and I’m willing to do absolutely anything to make you happy. Come on, that has to mean something to you.”

  “I cried and asked you to stop. That has to mean something to you.” Her words were cold, and there was no sign of warmth. She’d been pushed too far. Now she was in a place I could never reach.

  “I know I hurt you. I hate myself for that. I just went through a dark time but now that’s over. I’m here and I’m ready now. I will be the man you deserve. Baby, please.”

  She pulled her hand away. “I’m sorry, Arsen. I don’t trust you.”

  My blood turned cold. “I will fix this. Just give me some time.”

  “And then you’ll lose your way again,” she snapped. “At first, I thought your behavior was a fluke. But then I realized it was a pattern. No matter what I do for you or what DAd does for you, you’ll always push us away. You’ll always isolate yourself and throw yourself a pity party. Arsen, I have my own problems. I can’t be emotionally responsible for you when you’re constantly a flight risk. I can’t keep enjoying the good times when I know the bad times are just around the corner. The next time we hit a rough patch you’ll push me away like always.” She rose from the chair and stepped away. “It doesn’t matter how much I love you. It doesn’t matter whether I think we’re soul mates or not. I can’t keep putting myself through this, and I need to find a man I can rely on.” She crossed her arms over her chest and stepped back. The pain burned in her eyes and the tears weren’t far behind.

  This was bad—really bad. “You’re right, Silke. You deserve all of those things.”

  She turned her gaze on me, and for a moment her tears were frozen in time.

  “And I will be all of those things. I give you my word.”

  “You gave me your word last time.”

  She wouldn’t cut me any slack. “Silke, I’m begging you right now. I can’t go on without you. I just can’t. And I know you can’t go on without me. Just work this out with me. I will give into whatever demands you make. I will work my ass off to make you happy. Please believe me.”

  “It doesn’t matter whether I believe you or not.”

  Why did I have to drink the scotch? Why did I have to go out with Levi? “Silke, I’m not perfect. I never said I was. I went through a really hard time when I lost my mom. I admit I didn’t handle it the right way, but please give me some compassion.”

  That just made her more upset. “You had all my compassion, Arsen. You could have been depressed for years and I would have completely understood it. If there were evenings when you simply didn’t feel like talking, I would have been okay with that. But that isn’t what happened. You shut me out and sought solace from scotch. You turned into a monster and said unforgiveable things to me. You neglected your daughter. I don’t care how bad things get, Arsen. That’s never okay.”

  “I know,” I said quickly. “It won’t happen again. I learned my lesson.”

  “And why do I have to teach you a lesson? Why am I always having to hold your hand?”

  “I hold your hand too,” I argued. “You flipped out over that teacher when nothing was going on. You didn’t trust me and made a big deal over nothing. You were childish and immature, but I let that go because we both know there’s no one else I’d rather be with than you. And that goes both ways, Silke. You can try to push me away and break it off with me but it’s not going to last. You love me and only me.”

  She was still closed off from me so her thoughts were a mystery.

  “It won’t happen again, Silke.”

  “So, you’re saying that since I love you so damn much I should put up with your shit?” Her eyes breathed fire like a dragon.

  “No, that’s not what I’m saying.” I held up both hands to keep her calm. “I was stupid and reckless, but I won’t repeat those mistakes. You’re completely justified being upset with me. I’m not going to argue with that. But I will be different from now on.”

  For a moment she seemed to soften. Her eyes didn’t appear so frightening, and her body wasn’t so tense. But then it returned in full force. “No. I gave you three chances. And you blew it.”

  Why was she being so anal about this? “Silke, relationships don’t work that way. You don’t give someone three chances then kick them to the side.”

  “I don’t think you understand just how much shit you put me through. Arsen, I don’t trust you. I used to see you as someone who would never hurt me. Now I’ll always be waiting for the next breakdown. That’s no way for me to live.”

  I couldn’t lose her. I just couldn’t. She was the only woman I ever loved, and I knew that would never change. The rest of my life would be spent in isolation. Abby would never have a stepmother and I wouldn’t have someone to share my life with. “I will earn that trust back.”

  She threw her arms down in frustration. “Arsen, we’ve already been through this. Remember? Remember when you went to jail and told me to leave? Or is that just a blur to you?”

  I averted my gaze in shame.

  “We’re done, Arsen. Now go.”

  I tried not to panic. “We’re never done.”

  “We are through.” She stomped her foot and gave me a fierce glare. “I’m not going to change my mind so you should just go.”

  That wasn’t a choice I could ever accept. “I’m never going to go. And I’m never going to change my mind.”

  Now she looked like she wanted to hit me. “I will always be there for Abby any time she needs me. My father will always look after you. If that’s what you’re worried about, don’t be. Our break up changes nothing.”

  “We aren’t breaking up.” I knew I fucked up and I didn’t deserve her, but I truly loved her. She was my other half. “Beauty, you’re mine and I am yours. You can push me away and have some time for yourself but that doesn’t change what’s between us. We’re going to work through this.”

  She shook her head slowly. “Arsen, wh
en someone wants to break up, you break up.”

  “Not us.”

  She started to pace because she was too angry to stand still. “I want to murder you right now.”

  I came closer to her and kept my arms to my sides. “Hurt me. Hit me. Punch me. Kick me. Do whatever you need to do to feel better. I promise you, nothing could hurt me more than what I’ve already done to myself.”

  She stopped pacing but didn’t make a move.

  “I deserve it for the way I treated you.”

  Silke wouldn’t lay a hand on me. There was too much affection in her heart. “Get out.”

  I remained rooted to the spot.

  “Get out or I’ll call my father.”

  I didn’t want Ryan to be more disappointed in me than he already was. “You know where to find me.”

  “Don’t come back, Arsen.”

  I headed to the door and tried not to break down. I was full of self-loathing and hatred. If I lost Silke forever I would never forgive myself. She was adamant about walking away from me, so how could I convince her to stay?

  “Out!”

  I finally forced myself to walk out and shut the door behind me. But the second I was alone in the hallway I was lost. I didn’t know where I was or who I was anymore.

  I was broken.

  Chapter Four

  Conrad

  After a long session at the gym I headed home. Apollo needed to go for a walk, and I needed dinner. I’d been in a grouchy mood since the bon fire at Skye’s. Slade’s words hit an old wound. I wasn’t angry at him for saying it. Obviously, he didn’t say it on purpose.

  But I felt like shit anyway.

  I took the elevator to my floor then stepped out. My gym bag was over my shoulder and my muscles were sore from the weights. I stared at the ground below my feet as I walked, and when I reached my door I realized someone was already there.

  Lexie was sitting in front of the door with a pan in her lap. She looked up at me hesitantly, like she was afraid her presence would set me off.

  I stared at her blankly, unsure why she was there. I wasn’t even sure what I should say.

  She slowly rose to her feet, still holding the dish. “I know Trinity dropped the lasagna last time she was here so you never got it. I just thought I’d bring this by to make up for it…”