To Love Again

by E. L. Todd

  Sean rose from his seat and cleared his throat. “I know now isn’t the best time to be thankful but…this is as close as we could get to Cedric. He’s in another room, but at least we’re in the same building together. He isn’t alone. We’re all here.”

  Skye nodded then her eyes bubbled with tears.

  I put my arm around her shoulders. “Now he really does get to have his first Thanksgiving.”

  She nodded again then turned into my chest so she could sob with her face hidden.

  I rubbed her back and held her close to me. I eyed everyone in the room as I continued to hold my wife. This was one of the most difficult times of our lives, but we were banning together and pulling through—like always. “Baby, sit down and have some turkey. You can have the leg.”

  She stopped crying but continued to sniff.

  “Yeah,” Roland said. “You know, like they do in Disneyland.”

  I smiled as we tried to cheer her up.

  “And you’ll eat that whole thing like always,” Conrad said. “It’s a tradition we can’t break.”

  Skye finally pulled her face away from my chest, and her skin was red and blotchy. I wiped the remaining moisture with the pads of my thumbs. “You saved it for me?”

  “Of course, sweetheart,” Scarlet said.

  I pulled the chair out for her. “Sit down and let’s eat.” Once she was in the chair I scooted it in. Then I took the seat beside her at the head of the table.

  Sean sliced the turkey and put the leg on her plate. “There you go, pumpkin.”

  She stared at it and looked like she would burst into tears all over again. “Thank you so much for being so supportive. Cayson and I are…just trying to get by. I know we’ve been a lot of work and you hardly see me when I’m not crying but…it means a lot that you’re standing by us through this difficult time.”

  “You don’t need to thank us,” Sean said quietly. “We’re all here for Cedric, the new addition to this family. And we’ll be here until we finally get to take him home.”

  I rubbed Skye’s back again. “Skye and are both thankful for all of you.” I kissed her temple then pushed her plate closer to her. “Now let’s eat.”

  ***

  Skye was finally in a good mood for the first time in several weeks. She was talking to her family and having a good time. I didn’t want it to end, so I returned to Cedric so it would give her peace of mind. Knowing her, she would feel guilty if one of us wasn’t with him the second dinner was finished.

  I walked into the room with my suit on.

  “Save me some?” Slade asked.

  “There’s a lot of leftovers.”

  “Good,” he said. “I’m surprised Scarlet and Skye didn’t eat everything.”

  “It’s a Thanksgiving miracle.” I stared at my son through the glass. “How is he?”

  “Didn’t move or make a sound.”

  “Probably because you make him feel safe.”

  “Yeah?” Slade asked.

  “You’re his godfather after all.”

  Slade nodded. “I am pretty cool.”

  “Very cool.” I leaned back into the chair and watched my son with a father’s eye. It’s amazing how quickly I adopted the role even though I had no experience beforehand. The second he was in the world, I just knew how to behave. I couldn’t explain it. “I have to go back to work. I don’t want to but I have to. I’ve taken every sick day and vacation time as possible.”

  “You’re lucky you had that much time off.”

  “I’ve been doing paperwork and emails in the evening…but I need to physically be there now.”

  “Skye will be here.”

  “Yeah…but I don’t want her to be alone.”

  “I can stay,” Slade said. “I can have Razor run the shop.”

  I smiled because it was a kind gesture. “I meant I don’t want her to be without me. I know I’m the only one who keeps her calm.”

  “I get that,” he said. “But Sean will be here too. He’s the next best thing.”

  “I suppose.”

  “Cedric is going to be okay,” Slade said. “He just needs more time.”

  “I hope you’re right, Slade.”

  “I am,” he said. “Don’t worry about it.”

  The doctor came into the room with his clipboard in hand. “Mr. Thompson?”

  “Hey.” I looked up. “Happy Thanksgiving.”

  He smiled. “Happy Thanksgiving.”

  “Sorry you’re working on a holiday.”

  “It’s okay,” he said. “My family and I have a big brunch in the morning. Then my wife takes the kids to her parents, so it works out for me because I don’t have to see them.” He chuckled at his own joke.

  I laughed along with him. “Not a fan of your in-laws?”

  “Who is?” He looked through the glass and watched Cedric. “This one is a fighter.”

  “He is,” I said proudly. “Do you have any updates?”

  “I do, actually,” he said. “Cedric is showing signs of improvement. In a few days we’ll take him off the ventilator and see if he can handle it on his own.”

  “That’s great,” I said. “So he’s going to be okay?”

  “I think so,” the doctor said. “But we aren’t out of the woods quite yet.”

  “Thanks for the update.”

  “I’m surprised your wife isn’t here.” He glanced at Slade then returned his look to me.

  “She’s having dinner with her family,” I said.

  “Good,” he said. “I’m glad she’s taking a break. She deserves it.”

  “I think the same thing.”

  He nodded before he walked out.

  Slade turned to me. “If he’s improving that’s good news.”

  “Yeah, it is.” It was the first time I heard something positive.

  “I’m sure that’ll make Skye happy.”

  “Yeah,” I said with a nod. “I know it will.”

  ***

  “He said he’s improving?” Skye asked with her hands clutched to her chest.

  “Yeah,” I answered. “He thinks he’s going to be okay. They’ll take him off the ventilator in a few days.”

  “Oh, that’s wonderful.” She immediately moved into my lap and sat right on top of me. “Our baby may come home soon.”

  I ran my fingers through her hair. “He might.”

  Slade eyed our affection then silently excused himself from the room. When the door shut behind him I knew he was gone.

  “Baby, there’s something I need to tell you.”

  She leaned back and looked down into my face. “What is it?” Concern had replaced her earlier happiness almost instantly.

  “I have to go back to work. I’ve already taken off as much time as I can. I’m sorry…”

  She ran her hands up my chest. “It’s okay, Cayson. I completely understand.”

  “I wish I could stay here with you two.”

  “I know you do,” she said. “Sometimes I forget that other people rely on you.”

  “But you know you guys come first.”

  “I’ll be fine. My parents will be here the whole time, and you can always come by after work.”

  I was grateful she was taking this so well. If there was any way I could get more time off I would, but I simply depleted all my reserves. “I’ll be here whenever I can.”

  She leaned against my chest and stared into the glass case that separated us from our son. “I keep picturing him crawling across the living room floor and making a mess in his high-chair at dinnertime. I keep imagining him lying between us when we go to sleep at night. I want that dream to come true…”

  I kissed her temple. “It will, baby. It will.”

  ***

  I just walked into my office for the first time when someone came in rushing behind me.

  “Is he okay?”

  I looked up to see Laura standing there in a pencil skirt and blouse. “Sorry?”

  “Your son.” She approached the
desk. “I heard the terrible news. How’s he doing? If you’re back at work he must be better, right?”

  I left my chair and came toward her. “He’s still pretty critical but I needed to come back to work. I’m behind on a lot of things, so I needed to come back. And I think he’s getting better—” I halted in midsentence when I realized whom I was talking to. In light of what happened to my son I forgot about everything else. “Get out of my office, Laura.”

  She flinched at the sudden aggression. “What did I say?”

  “Don’t ask about my wife and child. Just get away from me.”

  “I was only asking about your son…I’m genuinely concerned.”

  “You don’t give a damn about anyone but yourself.” I’d played right in her hand too many times. I wasn’t doing it anymore. “You probably hope my son will die so Skye and I will go our separate ways when we can’t get past it. Well, that’s not going to happen. Now get out of my face.”

  She stepped back like she’d been slapped.

  “You and I are never going to be friends. So stop trying.”

  “I just—”

  “I made it clear the only time I want to speak to you is when we’re in meetings—talking about work. Anything else is off limits. Now go. I mean it. I’m not in the mood to tell you twice.”

  She finally took the hint and walked out.

  But I was still pissed off long after she was gone.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Silke

  “I think I’m going to take it.” I looked around at the apartment and didn’t see anything I disliked. It wasn’t as big as Arsen’s house, but I didn’t need a lot of room for only one person.

  “I like it,” Dad said. “It’s close to work so that saves you a lot of time. No need to take the subway or a cab.”

  My dad hated public transportation but he never explained why. “Yeah, and the floors are new.”

  “Then submit your application. This place will be off the market quick.”

  I was surprised Dad didn’t try to talk me out of it. I assumed he would try to get me to take Arsen back eventually. I was his daughter, but Arsen was his son. “Really?”

  “Unless you don’t like it.”

  “You aren’t going to tell me to take more time and think about it?” I crossed my arms over my chest. “Or tell me to talk to Arsen?”

  Dad had a blank look on his face. “Why would I do either of those things?”

  “Because I know how you feel about Arsen.” I watched my father’s reaction.

  “And how do I feel about him?”

  “He’s your right-hand man, the second son you never had…”

  “Yes, that’s true,” he said simply.

  “So I know you’re rooting for him, just like last time.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “When did I ever give you that impression?”

  “You’ve always given me that impression.”

  He shook his head. “I think Arsen really messed up. I told him to knock off his behavior and he didn’t. He’s begged me to talk to you for him, to say something that will get you to change your mind. But I told him I would never do that. I’m on your side, sweetheart. If that man doesn’t make you happy, then you need to find someone better.”

  That wasn’t what I expected him to say.

  “And I’m always on your side, Silke. At least when you’re right.”

  “Yeah?” I asked.

  He came closer to me and put his hands in his pockets. “I think Arsen went through a hard time and lost his way. He’s always been emotional and vulnerable. With the kind of past he’s had I don’t blame him. But that doesn’t excuse his behavior. Just because he’s fallen on hard times doesn’t mean he can walk all over you, disrespect you, or make you feel insignificant. That’s something he had to learn the hard way, and I honestly think he’s better for it.”

  I was glad Dad wasn’t making excuses for him, like he usually did.

  “I did a lot for him and I’m disappointed this is how he repaid me, by hurting my little girl. Obviously, it wasn’t intentional but that doesn’t matter. I’ll always stand by his side and be the parent he needs, but that doesn’t mean I’ll mask my disappointment. Arsen knows how I feel about this situation.”

  “So, you think I should never go back to him?”

  “That’s not what I said.”

  “Then what do you think I should do?”

  He turned away. “You should do whatever you want, Silke. Don’t let your old man influence the path you take.”

  “But you always influence the path I take.” He’d been doing it since I was little.

  “This is different,” he said. “This is your heart and your relationship. Only you know what’s best for you in this regard.”

  I looked out the window and watched the city stand tall against the bay in the distance. “So, if Arsen and I go our separate ways you’ll accept that?”

  “I already have.”

  I never expected my dad to give up on Arsen so easily.

  “I’ll still spend as much time with him as before, and Abby is still my granddaughter. None of that will change. But when you date someone new I’ll treat him with as much love and respect as I do with Arsen. Don’t worry about that.”

  My parents weren’t exactly nice to Pike, and at least my dad owned up to that.

  “Just do whatever makes you happy, sweetheart. That’s all your mother and I want.”

  I didn’t expect my parents to take this break up with Arsen so easily, but I’d been wrong. They really were on board, and they were on my side. It was oddly freeing…but also a little depressing.

  “So, let me know if you get the apartment,” Dad said. “If it doesn’t work out you can live with us as long as you need. Honestly, I like having you around again. It reminds me of old times.”

  I smiled but it wasn’t true. “Yeah.”

  ***

  I knew Arsen was behind me without even looking. I just left work and reached the sidewalk. Somehow, his eyes burned into my back and I knew he was there, coming closer. Our minds functioned on a different playing field. Our hearts could sense each other when we were close together.

  “Please talk to me.” He appeared at my side, coming out of nowhere.

  I kept walking. “We already talked. We’ve talked so much there’s nothing left to talk about.”

  “Us. And there’s always something to talk about when it comes to us.”

  I knew he wouldn’t give up, not now and not ever. “Arsen, you’re wasting your time.”

  “No, you’re wasting both of our time.” He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me to the side, away from the New Yorkers headed to the gym or their favorite sports bar. “Baby, look at me.” In his eyes alone was a behemoth of emotions. The sincerity for his apologies, and the desperation for my forgiveness was notable in just a look. “I’m sorry.”

  “You said that already.”

  “Well, I want to say it again. I made a mistake.”

  “You made several mistakes,” I said coldly.

  He moved closer to me, his chest coming near mine. “Whenever I’m around you, you still react the same way. Your breathing picks up and your pulse changes. Your eyes dilate and your cheeks become flushed. You think that’s ever going to go away? You think when you date someone else you aren’t going to think about me every time you’re with him? You really think you can handle seeing me with someone else? No, Silke. Neither one of us can handle any of that because we’re meant to be together. It’s in the fucking stars above our heads. It’s in the nighttime sky every time the sun sets. If you turn your back now you’re taking the path of most resistance. I admit I fucked up and I treated you in a way I shouldn’t have but I owned up to those mistakes and vowed not to repeat them. That’s what you wanted and I’ve given it to you. So, stop punishing me. You’ve made your point a million times over.” He breathed hard while he stared me down, the adrenaline still pumping in his veins. “I. Love. You.”

&n
bsp; I hated the fact he was right. When I looked far into the future I couldn’t picture a husband and kids unless it was with Arsen. I couldn’t picture myself going on a date with a random guy. I couldn’t even picture sleeping with anyone else but him. Despite what Arsen did to me, my body still reacted to him. My breathing hitched when he was near, and my palms grew sweaty. When he said beautiful things like that, I fell in love with him all over again.

  His hands found their way around my waist and he anchored me to him, gripping me so tightly I couldn’t get away. “Tell me you love me.”

  I stared at his chest and wished I would walk away.

  “Tell me what I need to hear.” He pulled me closer to him.

  My eyes found his, and I remained silent in protest.

  “Then you can show me instead.” His hand moved to my neck and he dug his fingers into my hair. He pressed his mouth to mine aggressively and kissed me like it was the last chance he would ever get. He sucked my bottom lip then gave me a small amount of tongue.

  My body immediately responded the way it had a hundred times. I hated myself for it, succumbing to his physical touch. Nothing I ever did would keep me away from him. I was wrapped around his finger, and the pull was too strong.

  “Beauty.” He kissed me harder, all his passion and heat coming to the surface.

  “Beast.”

  “Tell me you love me.”

  His words brought me back to reality, and the fact we were having this conversation on the sidewalk. “Why did you have to lose me to change?”

  “I just got lost for a moment…it won’t happen again.”

  “But why do I have to suffer?” I whispered. “Why do I have to be a victim of loving you?”

  “You won’t be the victim ever again.”

  “Is that a promise?” I asked coldly. “We both know how well you keep those.”

  His eyes fell in sadness.

  “Leave me alone, Arsen. I may love you, but I don’t love all of you. I don’t love the man who hurts me, who pushes me away when he finds himself on hard times. My father never does that to my mother. When things get rough, he runs to her. Not the opposite. That’s the kind of relationship I want. I’m realizing you’re too damaged to give that to me.”