by L. Divine
Tre used to ball with Rah and Nigel at the park back in the day, but he left the court for the streets. The hustle called him for a long time and eventually, he answered. I thought when he got out of jail this time he would turn his life around. But like the spirit book says in one story, sometimes the dark path must be lived out so that one can return to the light the next time around. Mama didn’t come and I knew she wouldn’t. This hits too close to home for her.
My uncles have all had their fair share of run-ins with death by way of guns. Mama’s had to petition Ogun—the orisha over guns, other weapons, and war—on many occasions on behalf of her sons. And, after my dream about the drive-by and her dream about bloodshed, I know she’s been visualizing this for a minute and doesn’t need to participate in the reality of the moment.
Misty begins to head over toward us and I know it’s not to give me a hug.
“Did you have something to do with this too, Jayd?” Misty asks, loud enough to stop people from talking about what a good boy Tre was, even though we all know the truth. I know Misty’s in shock, but she can’t be serious.
“Misty, not here, not now,” I say, trying to calm her down. Going off in front of me at school is one thing. But bringing that shit home ain’t right. Her mother grabs her by the arm and wisely directs her to keep moving.
“Not now, but soon, Jayd.” Usually her threats don’t scare me, but there’s something else behind that one. I’m going to have to watch out for Misty a little closer, especially since she’s hanging out with Esmeralda.
After staying home yesterday and cleansing with Mama and Netta, I’m not feeling like being back at South Bay High. When someone gets shot, time seems momentarily suspended. And because Nigel is one of my oldest friends, I’m really not here with everyone else.
With it being the last day before the new semester begins, everyone was too busy cleaning out their desks and finalizing new schedules to take the day too seriously. The news spread like wildfire that Nigel was dead, paralyzed, or permanently blind, none of which is true. Nigel’s bullet was successfully removed from his shoulder, but there may be permanent damage in his right arm, and that’s not good news. Mickey can’t even see him because his parents have barricaded him inside his room and made it clear that she’s not welcome. Now Mickey’s going off on me like it’s all my fault and I can’t take anymore.
“You got my homeboy shot, Mickey. If anyone should be pissed it’s me, and believe me, I am. I’m just trying to be cool about it.” Mickey stops in her tracks right in front of my locker looking shocked at my words. Whatever. I’m just telling the truth and it’s about time she heard it.
“First of all, I didn’t get anyone shot. Niggas are crazy, Jayd, and that ain’t my fault. Second of all, Nigel’s my man. If anyone’s in mourning it’s me. Do you know what will happen to us if he can’t play ball anymore?”
“Mickey, you’ve known him for what, three months?” I say, looking down at her belly. “I’ve known him for five years and we’ve been through a lot together. But never did I worry about him getting shot until he met you.” Mickey looks genuinely hurt by my words and I’m glad they’re finally getting through that thick skull of hers. “I’m pissed, Mickey, and I’m worried about Nigel. I could care less about how you’re going to make it out of this situation because this ain’t about you. This is some shit Nigel can’t give back, and you can’t take it back. This reality is here to stay and we have to deal with it, which means I have no time for your trifling-ass problems. Maybe it is best that you go to the continuation school. We need a break from your selfish ass.” I turn around and open my locker, ready to clear it of this past semester. One down and one to go.
“So what was this fight all about?” my mom asks as we eat our In-N-Out burgers before she’s out for the weekend. I fill her in on my week and on the fact that now I’m officially rolling solo as far as my girls are concerned. Rah went to visit Nigel, and I took the bus to Inglewood today.
“Mickey opened her big mouth and lies came out. She should’ve just told the truth and none of this would’ve happened.”
“Nah, she should’ve been more careful with her creeping, if you know what I mean. Some things you just don’t tell,” my mom says in a cryptic voice. She’s remembering something but I can’t tell what it is. Sometimes I wish her powers over me worked the other way around. “Sex is a powerful thing.”
“That’s why I’m not giving up my cookies no time soon,” I say. “I’m not giving it up to anyone until I’m sure it’s all mine to keep.” My mom stops eating and looks up at me in complete disbelief.
“Yours to keep? Once you give it up, Jayd, it’s gone and there’s no getting it back, no matter what you may have heard,” my mom says. “It’s not a shirt.”
“And that’s my point. If I’m not sure that my cookies can stay with me no matter who I choose to give them to, I’m not giving them up, plain and simple.” That’s too much ashe going everywhere without my consent, as Mama would say, and I hear her loud and clear. “Wouldn’t it be nice to have relationships where kissing is enough?” I say, nostalgic for the times when Rah and I would sneak behind the bleachers and kiss in junior high. We eventually got caught and promptly punished for passionate kissing, which wasn’t allowed anywhere at our stark Christian school.
“Jayd, you’re not still a virgin are you?” my mom asks as she rises from where we’re eating on her bed and continues packing her weekend bag for another adventure with Karl. I look at my mother, shocked she’s so surprised. “Girl, the way you and Rah carry on I thought you two had slept together already. Y’all really had me fooled,” she says, buzzing around her room like she’s in a whirlwind.
“No, Mom, I didn’t give up my cookies to him or anyone else,” I say, taking another bite of my burger. I won’t be hungry when I get to Rah’s later on.
“Well, here’s something to carry, just in case you change your mind,” she says, passing me a gold-wrapped condom.
“I don’t need this,” I protest, but my mom’s already out of the room and headed toward the bathroom.
“You never know what you’ll need until you’re already in the moment. Trust me, girl, it’s better to be safe than sorry.” Well, I can’t argue with her there. Look at Mickey and her mess. Had Nigel strapped his soldier up we wouldn’t be on the front line of their war as we speak.
I’m ready for my date with Rah and his daughter, celebrating him winning joint custody of his little girl. But when I get off the bus and to the house, there’s anything but celebrating going on outside.
“Rah, this is some bull and you know it. If I want to leave with my daughter I can be up and out anytime I damn well please.” Sandy reaches for Rahima but luckily she’s sleeping through the drama in her daddy’s arms.
“Sandy, get off of my property now before I call the police.” Too bad he’s just bluffing. Rah doesn’t want the cops at his house any more than Sandy does, and she knows it, which is why she keeps talking shit.
“So what y’all doing tonight? Having a little family reunion? Only problem is, the guest of honor came out of me, not you, little heffa.” That’s all I can take. After the shooting and dealing with the rest of Mickey’s madness, I need to let it out.
“Sandy, what will it take to make you shut the hell up, for real? I mean, I’m willing to pay your ass, do your hair for free, anything to keep your mouth from moving for a day.” Shocked at my bold statement, Sandy’s momentarily silent. I walk over to Rah, who bends down to give me a kiss. After what happened with Nigel, we know who our true friends are and we don’t have any more time to waste on those who aren’t in it for real.
“Hey, baby. How you feeling?” Rah says, ever worried about me breaking down because of Tre’s death and Nigel’s gunshot wound. But I’m not going to break down if I can help it.
“I’m good. How are you?” I answer while he passes Rahima to me without waking her up.
“Uhm, hello,” Sandy says, still here. I almost forgot
she was standing there for a minute. I wish she were always that ignorable. “I still need a ride home. Are you going to take me or what?”
“Why can’t you get back the same way you got here?” Rah asks, stating the obvious.
“I got here on the bus, and if you want me gone, you’ll have to come out the pocket.” I look back into the garage and notice Rah’s grandfather’s classic, silver Regal parked in there, and Rah’s eyes follow. I didn’t know he was finished working on it. Damn, that was fast. Too bad my car couldn’t be repaired that fast. After the shooting, Rah and I dropped it off at Netta’s. It only needs one more part and then I should be able to drive it again until the next time it breaks down.
“That’s supposed to be a surprise. It’s my way of saying thank you.” Rah reaches in his pocket and hands Sandy a twenty and me the keys to his car. “You can roll the Acura until we find something else more suitable for you and I’ll roll the Regal.”
“Oh hell, no,” Sandy says. “I know you’re not going to let me, the mother of your child, ride the bus home while you give this girl, who ain’t even giving you none, the keys to your car. What the ...”
“Not in front of Rahima, Sandy. Enough’s enough.” Rah’s had it and so have I.
“You know what, you’re right. Here, take them. If it’ll get you out of here for now, go on and take the Acura,” I say, giving her the keys.
“Jayd, are you sure?” he asks.
“You gave it to me for now, right? Then I say yes to peace. Now, where were we?” I have a long day at Netta’s ahead of me tomorrow and it’s been a long week. The sooner I get Sandy out of here, the better.
“Fine. Bye,” Sandy says, snatching the keys out of my hand and walking to the red car. Rah watches her as she claims the seat, taking off and finally leaving us alone. Now we can chill for the rest of the evening.
Rahima slept through the night and woke us up bright and early for breakfast this morning. I still have some time before I have to get to work, but not much. Sandy was supposed to bring the car back this morning, but she’s not here yet.
“Let me hook you up real quick before I have to go,” I say, scratching his scalp.
“I didn’t think you had time for your boy now that you’re doing everyone else’s hair.”
“You know this head right here is mine to keep. You better not let anyone else touch your hair, ever.” Rah pulls me down onto his lap and kisses me like I’m his woman. I guess our posing for the judge wasn’t all for show.
“Well, isn’t this cozy?” Sandy says, sneaking up on us. Giving her the keys was not the best idea, I see.
“What are you doing here so early? I thought you said you’d pick Rahima up this afternoon for the birthday party?” Sandy called after she left last night, saying she forgot about some kid’s party she promised to take Rahima to. She’s supposed to bring her back right after, but Rah didn’t trust her and volunteered to take them and pick them up.
“Well, I need to take her shopping first, which reminds me. I need fifty dollars to get her some new gear.”
“I just bought her clothes for Christmas. I’m not giving you any more money.” And I also got her an outfit so I know the child’s not in need of anything.
“Whatever. Where is she? We have to get to the mall before it gets crowded.”
“She’s taking her morning nap. You’ll have to wait,” Rah says, unmoved.
“I’m going to holla at my boy around the corner. Call me when she wakes up.”
“Hey, you know that car ain’t yours, right? Don’t get too comfortable.”
“Oh, I won’t, don’t worry. I don’t want anyone’s leftovers.” She could’ve fooled me.
“As a matter of fact, you can walk around the corner. Leave the keys on the counter. I’ll call you when she wakes up.” Sandy walks out of the studio and back through the house. Finally. Now I can braid his hair real quick before I really start my day. We want to check on Nigel after I get off and I want to make something special to help him heal quicker.
I love driving Rah’s car. I can’t wait to get off and get back behind the wheel. It’s nothing like my ride. When I arrived at the shop this morning, the usual suspects were here plus some, and I’ve been working my ass off all day. I don’t see how Netta ever did this alone. I look down at my ringing cell and see Rah’s name pop up on the screen. Mama’s waiting for me to bring her some more plastic bottles but I have to take this call.
“She’s gone, Jayd, and she took Rahima with her.” I drop the empty plastic containers in my hand. This isn’t supposed to be happening.
“What? How did she get out of town? She doesn’t have a car.”
“She must’ve made a copy of the key and came to get my grandfather’s Regal with one of her homies or something, Jayd. I don’t know, but what I do know is she’s turned off her cell and her grandparents don’t know where she is. I knew something like this was going to happen.” Everyone in the shop can hear Rah yelling through the phone, including Mama, who’s working in the back.
“I’m sorry, baby. I don’t know what to say.”
“You should’ve never gave her the keys,” he says, hanging up. Mama notices my face and comes out from the back to hug me, but I’m not in the mood.
“What’s the use of having dreams if I can’t do anything to change them?” I’m starting to really hate my powers.
“You have to have more faith in yourself, Jayd. God doesn’t make mistakes, and your ancestors toiled long and hard for our lineage. Don’t disrespect it by disrespecting your gifts. Your mother made that mistake and her gift became her torture. Learn form her mistake, Jayd. Seize your blessing.”
“It’s not a blessing—this is a curse,” I say, throwing down the keys to Rah’s car, tears falling down my cheeks. How could we lose Rahima in the blink of an eye?
“Did you just say ‘we’?” my mom asks, invading my mind while Mama’s still on my case. Can a sistah catch a break?
“Like I said, learn from your mother’s mistakes, Jayd. All of them.”
“I can’t help loving Rah’s daughter.” I hate it when I whine.
“No, but you can help the way the situation has turned out. Didn’t you have a dream about this already?” I recall the night I dreamt of myself falling because I didn’t make a clear decision about how to deal with Rah, Jeremy, and Rahima. “It was a premonition that came to serve a purpose. But, as usual, you let your dreams fly by you like you don’t know better. The time has come for you to catch the shit before it hits the fan and the only way you can do that is by trusting in your gift of sight completely, chile. Otherwise you’re destined to keep moving like you’re sleepwalking and that’s dangerous in more ways than one.”
“But Mama, I didn’t see all of this drama coming at once.” She looks at me and grits her teeth like she used to do when I’d whine as a child. She has no tolerance for whining or lying, and I think she considers me as doing both right now.
“Did I or did I not tell you about my dream of violence and bloodshed? Did you not have a dream about damn-near the same thing? And did we not share a vision together where violence and loss played a significant role? What the hell do you think all of that was, Jayd? We don’t get the luxury of dreaming casual dreams.” I look down at my toes and try to hold back my tears but it’s no use. Whenever Mama’s this mad at me I can’t help but let it flow.
“I know, Mama, and I’m sorry, but what could I do?” Mama sternly lifts my chin. She stares at me so intently I can’t keep focused on my wet toes much longer. I look up into her bloodshot emerald eyes and get momentarily lost in them.
“You have to be thankful for your powers, Jayd. They’re yours to keep whether you like it or not. Maybe if you had to walk in my and Maman’s shoes, you’d be a little more grateful for your gift of sight. You can make all of the potions and brownies you want to, but until you respect the real power behind your dreams, all of your support materials—which is exactly what the recipes are—won’t do yo
u much good.”
“But my dream didn’t come true. We won the court case without having to go to trial and we still lost Rahima. How am I supposed to foresee that?” Mama lets go of my chin and gets back to work.
“Because you know Sandy’s unpredictable at best.” I know she wants to say crazy but she’s trying to be nice. “Your dream didn’t say anything about him losing in court, which he didn’t. You have to pay close attention to the warnings present, and respond accordingly. Think outside of the box when helping clients and yourself, Jayd.”
Mama’s right. I’ve been too busy caring about everyone’s feelings to do my job effectively.
After I get off work, I leave Rah’s car at Netta’s and drive my raggedy car two miles from the shop to my daddy’s house and decide to park it in his driveway. He can figure out what to do with this piece of crap. I’m done being weighed down by this mess. I only keep what I want to, not what someone thinks I should have. I get out of the car, remove the few things I have in it and leave the keys in the ignition. Maybe I’ll get lucky and someone will steal it. At least then I’ll get some of my money back.
I carefully close the door so as not to draw any attention to myself. I know at this time of evening my daddy and stepmom are in the back watching television or asleep on their matching his-and-hers couches. I want to get out of here without confrontation. Luckily he lives two houses from the corner and the bus stops only a block after that. If I have to take the bus from now on, so be it. I’d rather keep it moving like that than be dependant on an undependable ride and man.
“I’m proud of you, girl,” my mom says, making my personal moment not so private. “By the way, Karl said I can roll the Camry and you can roll my ride indefinitely. So, you’re not alone. The car is yours to keep for as long as you need it, baby.”