‘Good morning, Sabine,’ I said, searching to find a clear space. Even the spare chair opposite Sabine’s desk was used to hold files.
‘Morning,’ Sabine said, looking up somewhat frantic. ‘Remind me again why I let you have a fortnight holiday at the exact same time we get inundated with work.’
I bit the inside of my cheek and winced. ‘Oh dear.’
Sabine breathed in and out deeply. ‘Meet me at nine so we can catch up.’
I nodded.
She winked. ‘And I want to hear all about this sexy singer of yours.’
I grinned, my fingers tingling thinking of him. ‘No worries.’
After general morning greetings and chit-chat to catch up on the office gossip, I made a coffee and went to my desk, ready to confront what I knew would be hundreds of emails. I sorted haphazardly through the mounds of paper and files that had been piled onto my desk looking for only, at this stage, anything ridiculously urgent. I flicked through my in-tray, filled with filing, event flyers, meeting minutes — nothing too bad. I dug through to the bottom of the pile and smiled as I saw the advertisement for Perennial. How much had changed since I first saw this. My entire world was flipped upside down because of this one single flyer. I turned it over to see Lucas’s scrawl, now familiar to me.
Good morning, Anthea
A pleasure to meet you last night.
Did you end up finding the definition for Perennial?
Lucas.
I never did ask him what this was all about. Hazy pictures and words slid across my mind’s movie reel. A conversation I had with Lucas that very night filtered back into my memory. We were standing outside the bar, in front of his van, and I thought how unusual it was to call a band Perennial. I asked him what it referred to, because I couldn’t quite get past plants. It seemed so obvious now — it referred to love. Perennial love — lasting an indefinitely long time; enduring; appearing again and again; recurrent.
Lucas had smiled at me, that handsome familiar smile.
‘It’s more of a message than a name,’ he said in his smooth accent.
I was intrigued.
‘A message?’ I echoed. ‘For who?’
‘A girl.’
‘It’s always about a girl.’
He laughed his warm, deep, soulful laugh. ‘For me, yes. It’s always been and always will be about this girl.’
His passion was almost stifling.
‘Why can’t you just tell this girl the message?’
‘If I told her now, she wouldn’t be able to see it. She’ll only understand it when she’s ready to understand it.’
‘And what will happen when she understands it?’
‘She’ll know that I know more than she assumes I do.’
‘Anthea? Anthea?’ Sabine was standing beside me, tapping her foot on the floor. ‘What’s going on?’
I shook my head. ‘Um. Sorry. I must still be in holiday mode. I was, um, daydreaming.’
‘Intense daydream.’
‘You could say that.’
Sabine smiled. ‘Are you ready to have that catch up?
I stood, straightening my dress. ‘Yes. Of course.’
‘We’ve got so much to get through…’ Sabine stopped as she looked at my face. ‘Is everything okay?’
My chest was so tight, I thought I might have needed an ambulance, but I managed a nod. ‘Fine.’
Walking down to Sabine’s office I was on autopilot. I had to be the girl Lucas was referring to in that conversation. What exactly did Lucas know more about than I assumed? My lifelong struggle? My theory about many lifetimes of being together? Our love? How did he know I wouldn’t understand until now? How did he know about this, back then, before he even knew me? How did he know I’d get the message? My God, I was about to short circuit with all these questions.
I sat in Sabine’s office. Don’t think about Lucas. Stay focused. Stay focused.
Sabine then proceeded to flood me with so much work I had no choice but to shove Lucas to the back of my mind.
***
Five o’clock crawled up behind me and slammed me in the back of the head. I hadn’t managed to get through quite as much work as I had wanted. But it was going to have to wait because I had Lucas waiting down in the foyer to drive me home. I shut down the computer, grabbed my bag and rode the lifts to meet him. A slow tingling lightness spread over my heart, as it always did when I was about to see Lucas after time apart. I strode out of the lifts into the crowded room, people in suits and women, immaculately dressed, paced for the exit. Like a magnet my eyes were drawn to him. He was standing in front of a large glass window beside the doors. All at once I felt buoyant, each step taken on the surface of a feathery cloud. A smile, unstoppable, spread across my face, for he was waiting here for me and only me.
Lucas gave a quick wave, the corners of his mouth curling into that smile I’d come to love, yet seemed to have loved forever. I marched, almost jogged to him and threw my arms around him. His lips found mine and he squeezed me tighter.
‘It’s good to see you,’ I said.
‘You too.’
We stepped into the lifts that would lead us to his car. The doors closed and he pushed me against the wall, slanting his mouth over mine and kissing me deeply. He held my face between his gentle hands, his gaze deep. ‘I missed you today.’
Still breathless, head reeling, I barely had enough voice to answer, ‘I missed you too.’
The doors opened to the basement. We found Lucas’s car and jumped in.
‘How was your first day back?’ he asked, starting the engine.
‘Strange as it sounds, it was good to be back. How did you go with all that extra time on your hands?’
He grinned. ‘Booked two gigs with a new client; word of mouth is strong for us at the moment.’
My memory jolted, my eyes widened.
‘What?’ he asked, grinning.
‘You reminded me about a really weird thought I had this morning.’
His brows arched, his voice low. ‘What was it?
‘Let’s say, I got your message.’
He was silent for a moment before saying, ‘Perennial?’
‘Yes. My question, though, is how is it you seem to know more about us than I do?’
His voice was intentionally calm, soothing in timbre. ‘What exactly do you want to hear?’
‘I want to know what you meant when you said that you know more than I assume.’
He focused on the steering wheel and sighed. ‘Precisely what we were discussing over lunch on the weekend, about us, about me loving you with all my heart and having done so for a very long time.’
I rubbed my temples as silence echoed through the space between us. I replayed all the scenarios in my head, all our conversations, and they didn’t add up. There had to be something more.
‘So you named your band something that would send a message to me, before you knew that we would even meet?’
He didn’t answer, his focus still on the steering wheel in front of him.
‘Remember that day at my apartment — that day when Leith was there and you said to me, “I’ve found you now, and I won’t be that willing to give you up”?’
He nodded, still silent, still focused on the wheel.
‘Did you actually find me, Lucas?’ My voice was a shaky whisper. ‘I mean, physically scout me out, track me down — however you want to put it — and find me?’
He nodded again, this time looking at me with cautious eyes. ‘I’ve been trying to find you for longer than you may possibly be able to believe.’
‘Try me.’
He opened his mouth to talk at least three times before he managed a word. ‘I’m not sure you’re ready to hear the truth.’
Anger boiled my blood. I gritted my teeth. ‘You’re not sure I’m ready to hear the truth? Lucas, I expect that the truth is all I ever hear.’
He reached for my hand, but I jerked it away and crossed my arms.
‘Ant
hy, don’t be like that, please. I’ve always been truthful with you.’
‘Apparently not. How big of a deal can it be, after everything I’ve told you, practically pouring my heart out to you at the risk of sounding bat-shit crazy?’
Again he looked back at the stupid steering wheel, choosing to remain passive.
‘How did you find me, Lucas?’
‘I promise I will tell you — but not now.’
‘If not now, then when?’
‘When the time is right.’ He sighed again. ‘I love you, Anthy, with all of me. It’s never my intention to hurt you, or disappoint you, or upset you, but we need this — us — to happen in the right time. Trust me on this. Please.’
I reached over, resting my hand on his thigh. ‘I don’t question your love for me, Lucas.’
He smiled, but it was weak, and placed his hand on top of mine. ‘Good.’
‘But will whatever it is you have to tell me change us?’
‘No. It won’t.’
‘Will it make me love you less? Or you love me less?’
‘No.’
I nodded and breathed in deeply. ‘Okay, then I don’t need to know. Yet.’
He pinned me with those glorious green eyes. ‘Thank you.’
‘I’m not saying I’m not curious, though. And I will want to know what it is.’
He laughed softly. ‘I don’t doubt it.’
I could wait and give him more time. I looked down at the thin scar on my wrist. The same courtesy he had extended me.
Chapter 19
Anthea
Between work and out-of-town gigs, I hardly saw Lucas over the next week. By the time the Sunday morning sun bobbed its head above the sky line, I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed curled up next to him. But my coffee addiction had other plans.
I was asleep by the time Lucas arrived home after his gig last night and he didn’t wake me. It would be cruel to wake him now, even though his big, strong body felt delicious curled with mine, and I ached to have him heavy on me.
Applying mountains of self-discipline, I quietly rolled out of bed and crept down to the kitchen. Roslyn had spent the night at Matt’s (shock, shock) and Rachel was still at her mother’s. It was strange to have the apartment to myself — that never happened.
The kitchen was swarming with wintry morning sunlight, easing some of the chill that had settled in overnight. I turned on the jug to boil, scooped coffee in a mug and gasped when I felt gentle hands on my hips.
Lucas.
He kissed my neck and I sighed, leaning back into his still-warm-from-bed frame.
‘Good morning, gorgeous.’
I spun to face him. ‘Good morning. You shouldn’t have gotten up. You must be tired.’
‘This is our only full day together. I’m not going to waste it sleeping.’
I grinned. ‘I like how you think.’
I made us both coffee and Lucas wisely chose to make the boiled eggs and toast. I turned on the outdoor heaters and we sat, shoulders touching, on the balcony looking out over the city glistening in morning dew. So this is what it feels like to be truly happy.
After breakfast, Lucas took my hand in his. ‘What would you like to do today?’
‘We’ve the apartment to ourselves. Let’s just stay here and do nothing all day long.’
He smiled wide, eyes sparkling mischievously. ‘But before we do that, there’s something I’d like to do with you first that we haven’t done before.’
I arched a brow. ‘And what’s that?’
He stood and held his arms out to me, grinning. I gripped his hands and he lifted me from my seat. ‘I’d like to join you in your shower and lick — I mean wash — every inch of your body.’
I laughed, despite a pang of pleasure twisting in my belly. ‘Have I told you before that I like how you think?’
He winked. ‘Once or twice.’
***
I turned on the taps to set the water. Lucas was already naked, leaning against the door frame, one leg in front of the other, his arms crossed over his chest. Self-confidence was rich in his stature.
He watched me intently as I slowly undressed. His cock thickened and lengthened with each piece of clothing that left my body until I was completely naked, and he was massively erect. My eyes dropped to his groin, the tight pink head; air suddenly thin in my throat.
Lucas grinned and pointed to the shower. I stepped in and he followed in behind me. The steaming water teased then soothed my cold skin. Lucas grabbed my shower gel and squirted some onto his palm; coconut and vanilla swirled with the steam.
‘Mmmm, so this is why you always smell of coconut.’ He took my left hand, lathered some of the gel and began washing up the length of my arm to my shoulder. He did the same with my other arm, his touch firm, the sensation of the silky suds exquisite on my skin. He spun me and soaped my back, starting with my shoulders and slowly rubbing lower, down to the curves of my arse. My body tingled under his touch, blood surging hot to my limbs. He tugged at my waist and turned me to face him again. More gel onto his palm as his eyes roved down the length of my body, his hands soon followed. I rolled my head back and groaned when his palms caressed my breasts. My nipples strained against the slick suds, alive against him. A sparkling sensation flooded my sensors.
His breaths grew ragged and he swallowed hard. Deliberately, he traced a gentle path around my nipples then bit delicately with his thumb and forefinger. Pleasure blasted deep inside me.
I closed my eyes. ‘That feels amazing.’
He bent his mouth to my neck, sucked my flesh into his mouth. His tongue darted out, slowly licked a burning path to my ear, while he rolled and pulled at my nipples. They swelled, stony peaks, yearning for him.
He pressed his cock, thick and long, against my belly. It slid across my skin, aided by his slippery pre-come, and I shivered as pleasure unfurled and gripped at my insides. God I wanted him so bad I was trembling.
I caught his mouth with mine and his tongue plunged into me, hunting my own tongue, sliding against mine until I sighed desperately. His fingers slipped down my belly, between my thighs and into me, finding warm wetness. A violent need ripped through me, blood flooded and swelled me, engorged my clit. I spread my legs a little wider, granting Lucas deeper access and rocked against his hand. He teased me relentlessly, every nerve afire. His thumb pressed against my clit and a bolt of pleasure shook me.
‘Need you now,’ I breathed as his lips scorched my neck.
No hesitation. He gripped my waist, spun me and pushed the head of his heavy cock between my legs. I bent forward, arms resting on the shower tiles so he could slide along my slick sex, over my clit, spreading my wetness and back down to my entrance. He pushed in an inch, two, deeper, until I was completely full of him.
‘Oh, Anthy, I won’t be long,’ he said biting gently on my shoulder, his voice hoarse with lust.
‘Neither will I.’
He pushed hard in to me, out, hands clutching my hips, a delicious rhythm that rocked my core. He was so deep, rubbing tightly against that sensitive centre inside my walls. Each plunge made me whimper his name. His fingers crept to my clit and he circled quickly, lightly, pressure building.
A rumble tumbled from deep in his chest and he quickened, hardened his thrust. ‘Oh, come for me, Anthy,’ he groaned. And still he ceaselessly circled on my clit. I climbed higher and higher until my legs were trembling, my fingers tingling. Pleasure burst through me and I clenched around him, my head dizzying with my release. Two more quick pumps and I felt him jerk, hot streams of come finding me deep. I was panting through the steam, my arms and legs scarcely able to hold my weight. I could buckle to the floor, a sated weight of blood and bones.
But Lucas caught me, slid out slowly and spun me, holding me up in his arms. I nestled my head against his shoulder as we breathed hard, the hot, damp flesh of our chests heaving against the others.
‘Holy shit,’ I said.
His shoulders shook as he chuc
kled. ‘Couldn’t have said it better myself.’
***
Lucas
I sat on the lounge while Anthea lay with her head on my lap. I stroked the hair from her forehead, her eyes closed, and I sang softly. I loved the simplicity of this moment. Sure, I loved what we just did in the shower, too, but this was so beautifully intimate.
A tear rolled down the side of her face onto my jeans. My heart heaved and my shoulders were weighted with guilt. It was like a blow to the guts each time I saw her vulnerable side, knowing that, even with all the lengths I had taken to find her and be here for her, I wasn’t early enough. There wasn’t anything I could do to erase the pain from her past; I could only help soothe it.
I stopped singing, took her hand and rolled it in mine. Anthea opened her eyes and looked up at me. ‘Why’d you stop? I love that song.’
I strained to control my voice. ‘I’m sorry.’
She smiled and rubbed quickly at her tears with her free hand. ‘You don’t have to apologise. I love it when you sing. It makes me feel all the feelz.’
I shook my head, brought her tattooed wrist to my lips and kissed her scar. ‘No, I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you when you needed me most.’
She narrowed her eyes, still glossy. ‘You can’t be thinking like that, Lucas. My past is my past, and it’s something you have no control over.’
I nodded slowly, but looked away, unable to meet her eyes. ‘You felt the way you did because of me.’
Anthea sighed and sat up, one leg curled up under her body as she faced me. ‘I’ll admit that I’ve suffered for a long time with this,’ she pressed her fist to her heart, ‘aching inside. And I know now that it is you I was aching for. But that’s not why I attempted suicide.’ Her voice was weak as she said the word. My stomach tensed to hear it, to have it undoubtedly confirmed. ‘Not exactly.’
‘Why, Anthy? How did you get to such a low place?’
Anthy’s bottom lip trembled, but she said nothing.
‘Please. I need to understand.’
She pulled on a piece of hair, curling it around her finger. ‘I was twenty. I’d broken up with yet another boyfriend. Relationships never worked for me. Ever. I know why now. But back then, you must understand that I thought I had a problem. I thought there was something horribly wrong with me. That I wasn’t loveable.’
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