Rachel shrugged.
‘Did you just call Brendt?’
She nodded.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’
Rachel stretched her pale, thin legs in front of her and wriggled her toes, attention fixed on her feet. ‘It’s definitely over,’ she said sucking air deep into her lungs.
‘Brendt confirmed that?’
Again she nodded. ‘He said his heart belongs to someone else.’
‘Has he been seeing someone else?’
She shook her head quickly. ‘No. Brendt wouldn’t do that. He doesn’t know who she is…yet. He just knows she’s out there.’
My stomach twisted with knotted nerves.
Rachel laughed manically. ‘I think he’s been listening to you too much.’
My throat tightened, my heart heavy in my chest. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Plenty more fish in the sea and all that,’ she said, still unable to look at me, concentrating on her toes.
‘I guess. Look, if you need to talk to someone, or a shoulder to cry on, I’m always here for you.’
She smiled. ‘I know.’
‘I’ll leave you to it. I’ll see you tomorrow for breakfast.’
‘Sure.’
I went to the door before turning back to face her. ‘Goodnight, Rachel.’
‘Night.’
I marched down to my room. Lucas was lying on the bed, his eyes closed, singing softly to himself. He looked up at me as I burst through the door and exploded into tears. I collapsed onto the bed beside him and shoved my head into the pillow.
‘Anthea, what’s the matter? What happened?’
I felt ridiculous, like a three-year-old, but I couldn’t lull the tears; they kept falling and falling. It was as though the last month — the breakup, the time-travel revelation — had crept up on me and blanketed me with dark, solemn clouds.
Lucas rubbed his hand up and down my back. ‘Anthea. Please tell me what’s going on.’
I sat up and slung my arms around him. He pulled me close and held me in his strong arms. ‘I think Rachel blames me for Brendt breaking up with her.’
He wiped the tears from under my eyes with his thumbs. ‘Are you sure?’
I nodded, then shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Maybe. I just feel so guilty.’
He narrowed his eyes. ‘Guilty about what?’
‘Brendt said the reason they broke up is because he’s in love with someone else. Someone he doesn’t know yet. Now who does that sound like?’
He smiled. ‘That sounds like a billion other people who are looking for that someone they want to spend the rest of their life with.’
I ruffled a hand through my hair. ‘Yeah. But Rachel actually said she thinks he’s been listening to me too much. Why would she say that if she didn’t think it was true?’
‘Rachel is hurting right now. She’s probably looking for someone to lump some of that on to. Soon enough, it’ll straighten out in her head, and she’ll see what happened has absolutely nothing to do with you.’
‘In the meantime, I still feel like shit.’
He kissed my cheek. ‘That will hopefully pass too.’
Lucas lay down on the bed and pulled me against his chest. His hands were gentle as he stroked my hair. But my stomach was writhing and clenching and deep down I knew why. I couldn’t avoid it forever, especially when it raised its emotional, horrid head like it did tonight.
I sat up and looked down at Lucas. ‘There’s something I need to tell you.’
His eyes widened. ‘What is it?’
‘I’ve been trying to refute it, but there’s a real reason why I feel so guilty about all this — a little incident that happened a while back with Brendt.’
‘What little incident?’
I lowered my eyes to the bed. ‘Before you and I started seeing each other, Brendt and I had a bit of a moment.’
‘Define moment?’
I sighed and my shoulders slumped. ‘Um, I think we nearly, sort of, kissed.’
He pursed his lips and nodded. ‘But you didn’t?’
I shook my head quickly. ‘But we would have if Rachel hadn’t interrupted the moment.’
‘But you didn’t.’
‘No. But I’m the most awful of people. Who do I think I am to nearly betray Rachel like that?’
He shook his head. ‘You didn’t betray her, Anthy. It’s tough living with what you’ve had to live with, constant searching and never finding. You’ve done amazingly well to deal with it as you have, and I would never, ever, even remotely think that you’re an awful person. Never.’
I stared into his gentle, honest eyes and smiled. ‘Saint Lucas.’
‘Saint Lucas?’
‘The voice of an angel, the body of a god and the patience of a saint. A much needed quality when you have to put up with me.’
He laughed. ‘But how much I love to put up with you.’
I placed my palm on his hard chest, loving the heat of his body, the toned stock of muscle beneath my hand. ‘You know, I wished so hard for you to come to me, to find me, and you did. You found me and all I care about now is you being in my life.’
‘Come here,’ he said, holding his arms out.
I lay beside him, my head on his shoulder. ‘I’m curious, though.’
‘How so?’
‘Surely there must be huge changes in the language between now and your home time. How can you speak so well, as though you were born in this time?’
‘It’s true, most of the language spoken now is considered archaic in 927. Our language is shorter, simpler, with less complicated grammatical structures. I had to listen to hours of audio from this time and looked up every word I didn’t know in a 21st century dictionary. It was like learning an entire new language.’
I propped myself up, head on hand so I could look at his face. ‘That’s dedication.’
He nodded and grinned. ‘That’s not even the half of it.’
Chapter 22
Brendt
The foyer was crowded. A low rumble of banter, footsteps and laughter echoed through the expansive room. I leant back against the marble wall and looked down at my watch — twenty past five. I quickly eyed the faces of people scurrying around the foyer, to the lifts, out the exit, but I was searching for only one person — Anthea.
A couple of months had gone by since I broke up with Rachel and every second apart from Anthea had been nothing like I thought it would be. There was no easing of my desire, if anything this time apart had solidified my emotions for her. I craved her, deep in my veins and nerve-endings like a drug addict craved heroine. Without her in my life, I hurt — bad.
And there she was, stepping out of the lifts, her eyes darting over the room in no expectant way. She didn’t know I’d be here. Her cocoa eyes found mine and she did what I hoped from the pit of my belly she’d do — she smiled.
I straightened up and walked to meet her.
‘Anthea.’
‘Brendt. Wow,’ she said, kissing me on the cheek.
She smelled delicious, edible. ‘How are you?’
‘Fine. What’re you doing here?’
I kicked the toe of my shoe against the marble tiles. ‘Um, I actually came to see you.’
‘Really?’
‘I was hoping we could go grab a coffee and have a chat.’
‘I’d love to. You picked a good day to meet me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.’
I nodded. ‘Good.’
Anthea wrapped her arms around me and cuddled tight. I breathed in her scent — coconut and perfume — and pressed against her heat. ‘I know I’m breaking some unspoken best friend loyalty here, but I’ve really missed you,’ she said.
My heart was dripping as the hard, icy casing melted with her words. I smiled. ‘I’ve missed you, too.’
We started down the sidewalk towards the coffee shop.
‘How’ve you been doing? It’s been like — two months since I saw you last? Since that night you broke up with Rache
l,’ she finished as a whisper.
‘I finally finished at the radio station and joined my dad’s business. Most of my time has been spent trying to learn the ropes there.’
‘And how’s it working out?’
‘Yeah, good. Different.’ I smiled. ‘What about you? Are you and Lucas still going strong?’
She grinned at the mention of Lucas’s name. ‘We’re doing really well.’
I opened the door of the coffee shop and gestured Anthea to go inside first. Warm air and the delicious scent of caramel coffee rushed to meet us. We headed to the back and sat side-by-side at a table.
I shrugged out of my jacket and rested my elbows on the table, my fingers laced. ‘I suppose you heard from Rachel why I broke up with her?’
Anthea lowered her eyes to the table. ‘Yeah, Rach told me about it. I just hope I’m not responsible for what happened between you two.’
I breathed to speak, but a waitress interrupted. We ordered skinny lattes and smiled as the waitress floated away.
‘Why do you think you’re responsible for me and Rachel breaking up?’ I asked.
Anthea frowned. ‘For planting that seed of doubt, because of the way I used to go on about loving someone I’d never met.’
I laughed. ‘How does that make you responsible?’
‘For putting the idea in your head that perhaps there’s someone other than Rachel out there for you.’
Again I laughed. ‘I’ve missed that.’
‘Missed what?’
‘You.’
Anthea lowered her eyes to the table as a blush spread across her cheeks.
‘What happened with Rachel and me was bound to happen from the moment we met.’
She narrowed her eyes. ‘So you’ve known from the day you met that she wasn’t right for you?’
I nodded. ‘I know. It sounds awful, but it’s more complicated than that.’
Anthea grimaced. ‘Why would you string her along for so long?’
‘Things aren’t always black and white, Anthy. I thought you of all people would understand that.’
She relaxed back against her chair and sighed. ‘I understand. I understand all too well. But understanding it doesn’t stop me feeling for Rachel right now, because she loved you only to then lose you.’
I winced. ‘I thought I loved Rachel, and I feel like the biggest arsehole on this earth to have done what I did to her. But you must believe me that it’s only now, in hindsight, that I realise I haven’t loved her.’
‘And that you love someone else?’
I lowered my eyes and nodded.
‘I guess you can’t help who your heart loves,’ she said.
Without a word, the waitress placed our lattes on the table.
I sipped at my coffee, held it, warmth between my hands. ‘No, you can’t help who you love. And you can’t help bad timing or circumstance or who other people love either.’
‘No. I guess not.’
‘Do you remember the night I first got together with Rachel?’
‘Of course. At the New Year’s Eve ball.’
I grinned. ‘Yeah, it’s not the romantic story I’d want to tell any future children. I was blind drunk, Rachel was even more so. It was midnight and the countdown to the New Year had just ended and she was the closest girl to me, so I kissed her, and, well, you know the rest of the story.’
She nodded.
‘You know that night, at the ball, I danced with you. Can you remember that?’ I asked.
‘I do remember.’
‘I was actually trying to work up the courage to ask you out.’
Her eyes widened. ‘Really?’
‘I’d seen you around before that night, out with mutual friends. I was so attracted to you.’ I rubbed the back of my neck and smiled bashfully. ‘So when I saw you were at the ball, I couldn’t believe my luck. You looked so beautiful. But I left it too late and some other man cut in on me and I never got the opportunity to talk to you again.’
‘I-I didn’t know that.’
I shrugged. ‘As I said, you can’t help bad timing.’
Anthea took a long sip of her latte. ‘But then you met Rachel.’
I smiled. ‘I drank myself into an absolute stupor and ended up sleeping with the next best thing that gave me half a chance,’ I looked at Anthea, deep into her warm brown eyes, ‘when all I wanted was to be with you.’
Anthea frowned, wrinkled her brow. ‘What are you trying to say?’
I took her hand and held it to my face. Warmth, tingles, fanned over my cheek and reached my heart. ‘I should’ve been with you. When I slept with Rachel that night, I was imagining I was making love to you.’ My words were raw, too honest, but I had to say them. She needed to know.
Anthea shook her head, lips parted.
‘You’re the girl I’m in love with,’ I whispered. ‘I love you, Anthea.’ I leant closer, my face nearing hers and kissed her so softly, my fingers lightly touching her neck and hair. My cells were afire; my skin was saturated in her warmth. I pushed her mouth open with my lips and kissed her with a passion I couldn’t recognise and she was kissing me back, sliding her tongue against mine, fisting my hair.
But then she gasped and skidded her chair back, breaking our connection. She stood. The doors to the coffee shop slammed and the little bells chimed. We turned to look: Roslyn, running from the shop, shaking her head. I flopped back against my seat. Anthea looked down at me, tears brimming. Her bottom lip was trembling.
‘What have I done?’
I pulled on her arm, so she flopped back down on her seat. ‘I love you. We are supposed to be together. I know you feel that too.’
She shook her head, the tears coming fast now. ‘I don’t know what I feel. I’m in love with Lucas. How could I do this to him and to Rachel?’
‘Anthea, do you love me?’
‘No. I love Lucas. I shouldn’t have done this, it just felt so —’
‘Right,’ I said.
‘Yes. No. I have to go. I need to talk to Ros. I’ve made such a mess of everything.’
I nodded slowly, finally conceding. Anthea grabbed her bag and ran out the door.
***
Anthea
I ran as fast as I could towards my apartment. My ankles wobbled with every footfall thanks to my heels. I shoved my way past and around people, hoping to catch up with Roslyn. My God, what was I thinking?
I turned the corner and I could see Roslyn ahead, walking fast.
‘Ros!’
She turned and stopped, hands on her hips, face wrinkled with anger. I ran to her, chest heaving from the mad dash, but also from the pain of my betrayal.
‘What the hell did I see you doing with Brendt?’ Roslyn screamed, glaring, unconcerned about all the people who were passing.
Guilt slapped me in the face, slammed me in the chest and I burst into tears, unable to gasp air in my lungs. ‘I don’t know.’
‘You were kissing him? Really kissing him?’
‘I know. It got out of hand. He…and I…couldn’t stop it.’
‘Are you seeing him?’
I shook my head hard, trying to catch my breath between the tears. ‘No.’
‘How could you do that to Rachel?’ she snarled.
‘He kissed me.’
‘No, Anthea. You were kissing him too. What’s Lucas going to say about this?’
Oh, no. Lucas. My heart was exploding into infinitesimal shards. ‘How could I do this to Lucas?’
‘You tell me,’ Roslyn said. ‘Good luck with that.’
‘What am I going to say to Rachel?’
‘You cannot tell Rachel. She will fucking kill you! It will destroy her.’
‘I can’t keep something like this from her.’
‘Yes you can.’ Roslyn shook her head and sighed. ‘I can’t even look at you right now. I’ll stay the night at Matt’s.’ She turned and marched off up the street.
I leant back against the wall with my head in my hands. How was I goin
g to tell Lucas about this? How was I not going to tell him about this? He would know just by looking at me that something was wrong. I had no choice.
I reached into my bag with trembling hands, pulled out my mobile and dialled his number. It rang. My stomach bubbled, surging up to my throat leaving the foul taste of guilt and sorrow on my tongue. I swallowed hard.
‘Hello, gorgeous.’ I bent over, my stomach convulsing at the sound of his beautiful, beautiful voice. Why did he have to sound like that — loving and warm?
I steadied my voice, eyes watering. ‘I know you’re setting up with the band, but can I see you?’ My whole body was quivering.
‘What’s the matter?’
‘I need to talk to you. I —’ I broke off with a sob.
‘Are you hurt? I’m coming to get you now. Where are you?’
‘I’m not hurt. I’ll grab a cab.’
‘I’m already in my car and I’m on my way. Where are you?’
Stop being so nice. ‘Fuck, Lucas! I said I would grab a cab!’
He was silent.
More guilt sliced through my veins, leaving them shredded and gaping. ‘I’m sorry. I’ll see you at my apartment. I’ll wait for you out front.’
‘I won’t be much longer. I love you.’
His words were like a knife straight through my guts. ‘Don’t say that too soon.’
***
Lucas
I spotted her on the sidewalk outside her apartment building. I sighed when I saw her red and swollen eyes, black wells of mascara leaking onto her cheeks and tufts of hair falling from her high knot over her face and neck. What the hell had happened to her? I pulled in quickly and leant over to open the door.
Anthea climbed in and shut the door, not daring to raise her eyes to meet mine. I took her chin between my fingers, turned her head so she was facing me. But her eyes remained downcast.
‘Anthea. Talk to me.’
Eventually she looked up, eyes darting over my face and burst into tears. I reached for her hand, but she snapped it away.
My stomach twisted, my heart pounded in my chest. ‘What have you done?’
Anthea breathed in a quivering breath. ‘Brendt came to see me after work today.’
‘And?’
‘And we went for a coffee at that coffee shop you and I —’
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