by O. J. Lowe
That hastened me to action, I kicked the door in and stepped through it with my weapon drawn. I saw the ruffian right away, a skinny fellow with the face of a demon. It struck me as horrific at the time, even though I knew it to be a mask. He had my father up against the wall, almost had his bed overturned, his face going blue from lack of oxygen and I lost control.
He tried to fight me at first, sprang at me but I hit him with the butt of my blaster and he went down in a flurry of robes. I felt his hands scrabbling at my boots, it took a kick to the head to dissuade him from that course of action. I wasn’t impressed, went to kick him again but I heard the gasp from my father and I stepped over the intruder to get to him. I’d seen father look better, he was clawing at his chest and his face had contorted in agony. I could hear him gulping harder and harder for breath, he was struggling, and I moved to get him connected back up to the machine. Out of bed and disconnected from his apparatus, he wouldn’t last long. The long suffocation would be over in seconds, I knew. For all my thoughts about it being a cruel, painful end, I wanted him to hang in there even longer. I didn’t want him to die.
I shouted and shouted, told him to hang on, screamed for help but none came. At least not at first. I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how the machine worked, only that it kept him alive. All I could hear was the increasingly desperate gasps for air, the rattle in his windpipe as the life slipped out of him. It was death by millimetres, I’d done everything I could, but it wasn’t enough. Not even close
Eventually they came, more doctors and nurses than were needed but they managed to get him back into a stable position, made him comfortable in his bed and got his breathing back to normal. I never saw my father look like that before, there was something I saw in his eyes that I never wanted to see in another human being ever. Resignation. A sense of loss. The urge to keep on living just wasn’t there. He didn’t care if he lived because he wanted to die.
At the time, I didn’t understand. These days I can sympathise. I know how he felt because lately I feel the same way. Waiting for death to take you is torture, Nicholas. Just the feeling of your body failing you, knowing that death’s inching closer. He didn’t last much longer. He died a few hours later, the shock killed him. He died alone and in pain, filled with terror. Nobody should go like that.
That’s not important to the story at this moment. With him getting the best care immediately available to him, my own attention went to man who’d tried to kill him, I flashed my identification to the doctors and they were surprised for Unisco badges were uncommon by that point, but they didn’t intervene as I dragged him to his feet and into the room next door. I’d seen it was empty on the way in.
I’m not proud of what happened next, it’s not my finest moment, but I was furious, I wasn’t thinking and although that isn’t an excuse for my actions, I don’t regret it. I’d snapped. I couldn’t have done anything else. That room was empty, he tried to fight me as I threw him in it, I hit him. Divines know how much I hit him, just punched him and punched him until my knuckles bled. There was a chair in there, I’d put him in it. I think I’d been screaming, I didn’t even entirely think I was going to get an answer, I just kept screaming “Why?!” over and over again at him.
I’d have killed him if cooler heads hadn’t prevailed. Joseph Butcher, my number two at Unisco, they’d gotten in touch with him moment the screaming had started, and he’d hurried over. He knew what I was like, he knew I had a streak of anger within me that was tough to tame. He wanted to make sure I didn’t do something I’d regret, all to make sure Unisco didn’t suffer for my moment of anger. Now, I know you’ve had occasions like that. Everyone does. He managed to talk me down, I came to my senses and saw this bloody, broken mass in the chair in front of me, coughing up blood. I’d never felt so disgusted with myself.
He wanted me, Nicholas. He wanted to know where I was. Again, I wanted to ask why but I had a feeling I knew. Already the list of Unisco enemies was growing with every passing day. If that was to be the way it had to be, then so be it. That meant we were doing our job right if people were out to get us. Although it did bear witness to the fact that we did need means of concealing our identity going forward. The mufflers you use now, they came a lot later.
I was wrong though, you know. He didn’t say much more but when I asked him, he mentioned my mother. That was a shock. Of all the words he could have said, those were not even close to the top of the list. My mother was an unremarkable woman and even though I loved her, it’s very possible that I was her greatest achievement in a life cut short. Tragically, I might add. It was when I was young. I was heartbroken at the time, naturally. To have it dragged back up like this, it was unsettling, and I wanted to know why she was an issue here.
He mentioned two more words before passing out and I let Joe take him into custody. I wasn’t going to get anything else from him. Two sole words, Nicholas. Do you know what they were? Forever and Cycle.”
Frewster paused, looked across at Nick and smiled wearily. He got to his feet and strode over to the cabinet, pouring himself another glass of firebrandy. “This stuff is about the best for keeping out the aches and pains, you know. Numbs them until you can’t feel anything else.”
“I drank a few bottles of it after my fiancé died,” Nick said. He remembered those days too well. “It didn’t kill the pain. Just made it worse when it came back.”
“Forget it, kill it, it’s all the same as long as you don’t suffer. Nobody wants to suffer unnecessarily. Divines put suffering in this world so that we could live the life we were ultimately capable of. If you got past those obstacles in front of you, you’d be better for it.” He swallowed from his glass, made little lip-smacking sounds as he did. “I was very sorry to hear about Ms Arventino, Nicholas. I met her several times and she truly was a remarkable woman. You must hear that a lot.”
Nick shrugged. “Not as much these days. People move on. Yesterday’s news.”
“I heard a rumour Coppinger killed her.” There was a hint of question at the end of his sentence and Nick sighed.
“Not personally. That big lummox she has working for her did it, Harvey Rocastle. He was the one who pulled the trigger. More or less admitted it to me.”
“I’m surprised he’s still breathing.”
“He got very lucky,” Nick said. “Had I not had mercy on Carcaradis Island, he might very well not be.”
“You showed mercy to the man who killed your woman?” Frewster sounded aghast. Nick only remembered the circumstances that had stopped him shooting Rocastle through the head when he’d had the chance. As much as he’d wanted to do it, he’d chosen a different play. He’d live with that choice.
“I didn’t do it for him,” he said.
Frewster smiled, didn’t push the matter further and swallowed another gulp of his drink before sitting down. “Right, where was I?”
“I returned to my father’s bedside after Butcher had taken the man away, I could tell his final minutes were approaching. Only then did I feel regret I’d not spent more time with him as he approached death. I took his hand, he felt small and withered and I told him that I was here for him and I wasn’t going to move until he passed on.
That said, I did have to know, of course. I had to know why and with the assailant not giving anything away, there had to be a reason for it. I might never get the chance again. If he died, everything he knew died with him and I wanted it to have been for a reason that his end came early. So, I vocalised the question that had been troubling me.
“Father,” I said. “Why? Why did he attack you? What did he want with me? And…” I needed to know. “What is the Forever Cycle?”
He could barely speak, remember that, he was in horrible pain and shaken up, I’m not going to insult his memory by doing an impression of his voice. But I remember the look in his eyes and this time it wasn’t just that they lacked the will to keep on going. There was genuine terror in them, more than just that which
came from a cowardly assault on a dying man.
I always remember my dad as a strong man, a vicious bastard but never to me unless I really deserved it. And oh yes, there were times when I deserved it. They’d probably have described us as hooligans these days. Back then, we were just having a laugh. We’d strike out at those who had more than us, just because. We never went for anyone worse off though. We had standards. That’s more than can be said for them today. Some of them will go for anyone and everyone just for something to do. Seeing what I’d seen my father do through his life, that terror haunts me. Has ever since I saw it.
What he could say though, it left an indelible stain on me that no amount of alcohol has ever been able to scrub away. He grabbed at my shirt, pulled me close to him and I could smell the death on him. People say that and usually they’re exaggerating but I’m not. I could smell it. I could smell the life leaking out of him.
“Son,” he said. “Brennan. Don’t chase the Forever Cycle. It will only bring you misery. Knowing who you are and who your mother was, it will hurt you. I never wanted you to know. I found out and it tears me apart every time I look at you.” He let his head sink back to the pillow. “You’re my son. You’re not hers. Blood doesn’t make family. She left. She’s got no right to you. Don’t chase it, son. Please. Vow to me. I’ll be gone soon and you’re my legacy. Promise me you won’t push this any further. If it’s the last thing you ever say to me, then swear it.”
I couldn’t really deny him that, so I had no choice to promise it to him. I didn’t want him to die angry at me. I didn’t want his last moments to be unnecessarily painful. So, I swore it to him, made a big show of vowing that I wouldn’t go looking for trouble. I’d feel guilty after he died, and I went to investigate it regardless but that’s not the point.”
“Tell me,” Nick said. “Your entire story here isn’t just that, is it? That you feel bad about lying to your dad on his deathbed.”
“My guilt was a fleeting thing,” Frewster said. “But I wish I’d listened to him. He was right, you know. What I learned when I chased it down, it didn’t bring me happiness. Far from it. I should have listened to him, I’d have had a happier life while doing it. But it is what it is.”
Another long draw from his glass, draining the contents. He looked at the bottom of it, a little despondently. Nick got to his feet.
“I’ll get you one,” he said, moving to take the glass from him. “You look like you could use it.”
“I’ve never told this story before, Nicholas. I’ve tried to avoid thinking about it for a long time. But these things come around. You can’t hide from the past, you just hope that you’ll die before it catches up with you. Because at least then you’re out of it.”
“I toyed with interrogating the man I’d apprehended further when I came back from the hospital, I decided against it for the time being. I didn’t trust myself not to lose control again. My father had died at the age of sixty-eight, William Frewster was no more, and I was the patriarch of the name and a family that had long since faded into obscurity. My curiosity had been piqued, amidst all that, I still wanted to know why. Now that he was no longer here, I wanted to know that more than ever.
I knew a man who I had hoped to recruit to Unisco, yet I hadn’t moved to do so in the knowledge that he was far happier where he was than wherever I could put him. I believe you know his son, a lad of some fifteen years by then already and I’d had his name up as a potential Unisco recruit. That man’s name was Amadeus King and he was an expert on myths and legends, an interest that he passed on to young Brendan. We’d known each other for a long time, he even part-named his son for me, if you’ll believe it. I was there when they asked Gilgarus to bless his birth, I stood for Amadeus during his marriage. Our friendship had remained strong, if a little distant over the months with which Unisco had been formed. It wasn’t my only neglect as I’ve already said but I felt it a justifiable one. It needed to be done.
I arrived at the home of Amadeus where his lovely wife greeted me, oh she did have a nice smile. The sort of smile that lit up a room. Age was being kind to her. Her laughter was like music. They welcomed me into their home and I ate at their table, an old friend coming back into their lives at long last, we ate the most succulent piece of beef I’ve ever had. Maybe it was the meat. Maybe it was the company. I don’t know but we caught up and I felt peaceful, the troubles of the day melting away before my very eyes.
Eventually we retired to the study and I brought up my query to my good friend, pouring out everything that had happened over the course of the day I’d omitted to say over dinner. Amadeus was the sort of man who loved to listen, the rare kind of academic who didn’t enjoy the sound of his own voice more than hearing others. He always used to say he’d learnt what he’d learned through his own research, but hearing what others knew that he didn’t was worth its weight in gold.
He sat there, absorbed everything that I had to say and then said the one thing that I knew he’d have to say if he considered himself any sort of friend to me. He didn’t disappoint me in that respect and for that, he will always have my love and my gratitude.
“Brennan,” he said. “Your father told you to leave this well alone. Are you sure you’re not going to heed his words, for what is learned cannot be unlearned. It may be a truth that makes you miserable, it may make you want to end your own life. Consider it at least before you ask me to go any further and I will help you if you still want it. If not, I’m willing to forget this conversation ever took place.”
His words brought me to a halt, made me think things through in that moment. Their impact was enough to allow me the chance to pause and think on what had happened. Maybe I was traumatised. Maybe. We didn’t really go in for that back then, we just tried to get on with it and all hells with the consequences. Maybe I’d seen what I’d seen, and I knew what I knew, and I was looking for an excuse to punish someone. If I’d gotten there a little sooner, maybe I could have prolonged the life of my father even if saving him may have been beyond me.
I’d made a promise to a dying man that I wouldn’t investigate something he clearly didn’t want me to. I considered that for a long moment. I’d made a promise. I’d always proclaimed my word to be my bond. If I promised something, I’d make attempts to do it. It was okay when it was stuff like swearing revenge, but I’d made an even more important one to someone I cared deeply for. If that wasn’t worth something, then I really don’t know what is.
You know what my greatest sin always will be, Nicholas? It’s not the people who’ve died by my hand, they had it coming. It’s not been some of the truly awful shows I presented, that was for the credits. No, it remains my curiosity. You cannot tell me not to search for the truth and expect me to do it. That is like asking a fish not to swim, a bird not to fly. It cannot be done, with the greatest will in the world, it is to deny a nature that seeks simply to be.
I looked Amadeus in the eye, I put a hand on the shoulder of my oldest friend in the world and I told him that I wanted to know the truth my father would deny me. I told him not to spare any detail about what he might know about the Forever Cycle. If he knew something, I wanted to hear it.
“Brennan,” Amadeus said, I could hear the sorrow in his voice. It was then that I realised he did know something, and he was already feeling the heaviness in his heart at having to tell me. Perhaps I should have stopped him, should have guessed that if it was going to cause him as much pain to tell me something that was going to cause even greater hurt to me, it wasn’t worth hearing. I am a prisoner to my own curiosity, it is simultaneously my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. It was part of the reason I’d made such an effective agent of Unisco. I believe that the truth is never what it appears to be at first.
“Brennan, if you truly desire it, then I will share it with you, though you must never repeat it to another human being. It is a legend, not a well-known one but one with a great deal of controversy attached to it, for reasons that will become obvious u
pon hearing it. Because of the nature of it, most respected theologists don’t go near it. They don’t want the stain of it anywhere near their credentials.”
“Stop dancing around the subject, Amadeus,” I said to him. “Tell me. I need to know. I want to know why he had to die, and I want to know what it had to do with me.” I’d vocalised it now, there was no way he could deny me. I’d made it personal, revealed my interest in it was more than professional.
“I still say this knowledge will bring you despair and more questions than you might ever get the answers to,” Amadeus said. He took off his spectacles and studied me with a curious intent. I’d always considered myself good at reading people, it felt strange to be at the other end of the examination. I knew exactly what he was doing. Amadeus always had been a good judge of character. Maybe not the most practical one, but a good one regardless. “But I see you have set your heart upon it. I cannot deny those who seek answers through the questions that people would rather not be asked.”
“Now you sound like a theologist, my friend.”
“I never wanted that, you know. I think a search where you’re certain you already know the answers is pointless. If all you seek is proof, then what you see is always going to be coloured by what you desire. Some people seek to dissect the most natural beauty in things, others set out to just simply adore it. Neither way is right or wrong, it is simply a matter of choice.”
I had nothing to say to that. Amadeus’ opinions were his own.
“So, the Forever Cycle. As I’ve said, a controversial one. Not well known for that reason. Even those that do agree on it can’t agree on a definitive version. The story starts based on the idea that once upon a time, the Divines were all human. They were humanity plus, they were the ones who had broken out of the mundanity and become exceptional. All of them in an ancient world had become renowned kings and warriors, queens and diplomats. These five kingdoms we inhabit today were largely formed during their era, they were the mould that shaped the clay that became the kingdoms. They came from across all the kingdoms, it is why some of them are worshipped more in some kingdoms than others. Of course, there are anomalies. The Vazarans, for example, are associated with Garvais and Incenderus but they tend to worship Kalqus and Temperus more. Because when you live in a desert, you don’t want more earth and sand, but you will want more and more water and better conditions for growing your crops.”