by Cox, Chloe
“I’m at home,” she said.
“Goddamn.”
Cate smiled. Score one for the sub.
“Listen up,” Soren said. He moved his giant hands to her ribcage, as though he wanted her to pay attention. She tried not to pout. “You want to know something about me? You already know, Cate. My family was shitty. My stepdad used me as a punching bag, and my mom and sister joined in because they felt like it, I guess. Fuck if I know. My mother’s a pill-head who’s never taken responsibility for so much as a fart in her entire life, and my sister is probably the one who’s been selling information about me to the tabloids. I got lucky when I got older, but there’s a part of you that always remembers what it was like to be that little kid.”
“I wasn’t a little kid when I married him,” she said.
“I was a grown man when I nearly married a liar,” Soren said. “Everyone’s gotta repeat the same mistakes a few times. Takes some practice to get it right.”
Cate looked at Soren. Really looked at him.
“Your honesty thing,” she said. “Because addicts lie?”
Soren narrowed his eyes then relaxed. He squeezed her with his hands, gently.
“That’s a big reason,” he said. “Addicts lie.”
There was something else there. Something big. Cate could feel it floating around them as they sat there together, on the periphery, always just out of reach. As though if she looked at it too hard it would disappear, like those glow in the dark stars she put on her ceiling when she was little.
“Is that why you don’t do love?” she said.
“No,” he said. “I just don’t do things I’m no good at.”
Cate’s head spun. No good at it? She had never had anyone—anyone—take as much care with her, pay as much attention to her, be with her, as well as this man had. Nobody had ever loved her as well as this man who didn’t do love.
Of fucking course.
And there was more. More than that big thing he wasn’t saying, swimming around the periphery of her perception. There was the fact that he’d come here, sd as to her house, to tell her this. He was offering her something of himself so she’d feel safe. He was doing it for her. Again.
“Why did you tell me that?” she asked.
“So you knew you weren’t alone.”
She exhaled. “Jesus, you have a silver tongue, you know that?”
“Yup.” Soren’s hands started to play around her waist again, under his oversized sweatshirt, and Cate sucked on her bottom lip as her skin began to tingle where he touched. The nerves there were so damn sensitive. “Stop hiding yourself away, Cate. No one who matters is going to think less of you. That’s an order.”
“Sure, sir,” she said. She would have said pretty much anything.
“You know why?”
Wordlessly, she shook her head. There were a lot of things she didn’t know at the moment, because there was hardly any blood left in her brain.
“Because this fear you have that you’ll lose everything if people know you is bullshit, that’s why. And you have to learn that.”
Cate snapped back to reality, shocked by what Soren had said. He knew her that well? He’d seen right through her. It was…there was no point in denying anything. In pretending.
She stared into those pale blue eyes.
“Whatever you say, sir,” she said.
“Nuh-uh,” Soren said, and stopped his tiny caresses on her stomach. This time Cate did pout. “I fucking meant that. An order.”
Cate swallowed. Her mouth was dry. Soren was unwavering, his eyes searching her face. He was sweet and unyielding and goddamn impossible all at the same time, and she’d never felt closer to anyone in her entire life.
And she couldn’t tell him that.
“How are you going to enforce that one?” she finally asked.
“Don’t test me,” he said. Still under the huge sweatshirt, he slid his hands down to her ass, which was where he discovered she was wearing a thong. “Holy shit, are you kidding me?” he rumbled, digging his fingers into her bare flesh.
She loved the gravel in his voice.
“I might have changed them after I texted you,” she admitted.
“But you didn’t put on any jeans or anything.”
“Nope.”
“Good girl.”
Cate tried s">C>
It was getting so hard not to move against that cock she could feel hardening underneath her.
“Wait,” she said, smiling.
“You must be out of your mind,” he said, and started to push the sweatshirt up.
Cate laughed and swatted at his hands. Soren growled and knotted the sweatshirt in one hand, ready to pull it over her head.
“Tell me one more thing,” she said quickly. “You know about my knitting weirdness and my craziness. Even it out. Tell me one embarrassing secret about you.”
“Don’t have any,” he said, that tiny muscle in his jaw pulsing away. He couldn’t keep his hands off her. “I’m just me.”
“I call bullshit,” she said.
“I promise you, there’s nothing,” Soren said. “This is coming off now.”
He pulled her forward so her hands landed on his chest again, her hair in his face. Cate just said the first thing that came to mind.
“Just tell me what you named your dick,” she said.
Soren stared at her. Then he laughed out loud.
“I haven’t,” he said.
“More bullshit!” Cate cried. “Even when you were a teenager?”
“Fuck no,” he said, still laughing. “It seemed so weird to me. Like it would start talking to me or something. Never did it.”
“I can’t believe you,” she said, pounding on his chest in frustration. It was amazing how little effect her fists had on him. “Really? Never?”
“Why, you wanna to name it?” He was smiling evilly now.
Cate stopped. This was dangerous territory. Then she smiled and slowly ground her hips into his, getting a literal rise out of him.
“Oh, I couldn’t,” she said. “It’s beyond words.”
Soren burst out laughing again and slapped her bare ass with his free hand.
“You really are a goddamn lawyer, aren’t you?”
Cate leaned back and smiled, just happy to hear him laughing. Especially now that she knew it was something special—it felt like her own superpower. Like something she could give back to him.
And then she saw the flash of recognition on his face. Of insight. And then that evil grin s grt size="+1again.
Whoops.
“What’d you name your boobs?” he asked.
“Shit,” she said.
“Don’t lie,” he said roughly, pressing her hips into his and grinding her, hard. “Or I won’t let you come.”
“Jesus,” Cate said. She could feel herself blushing. She’d only done this to herself. She laughed and mumbled, “Lucy and Ethel.”
“What?” Soren laughed.
“Lucy,” Cate sighed. “And Ethel.”
Soren literally had tears coming down his cheeks.
“See?” Cate said, hitting his chest again. “It’s embarrassing! This is not in any way fair if—”
“Shut up,” he said, stripping the sweatshirt off of her. “And let me see them.”
The look he gave her. Like he was going to devour her whole, make her his.
She was already his.
“Take it out,” he ordered.
She knew what he meant. She fumbled with his zipper, his jeans stretched against his erection. Soren was done wasting time. He moved her panties aside, lifted her up, and impaled her on his cock.
“Oh my fucking God,” she cried out. She was already wet, but without preparation, without preamble, it hurt just enough. The feeling of Soren filling her blocked out everything else, and she sighed.
He lifted her up. He lifted her up, and then brought her down, pumping into her so hard she squealed. She held on to his shoulders while he moved around as he wanted to, n
ot entirely sure what was happening, what would happen, but knowing she’d reached the point of not caring. Cate choked on her own breath, her body driving her to move, to contract, to take as much of him as she could, while he held her with his eyes.
“Can I come?” she asked. “Please…”
“Come,” he said. “I want to feel you. Fucking come.”
Cate felt it build fast at his words, releasing in a quick flutter that told her it would be the first of many. He didn’t even pull out, just rolled them both onto the couch, turning her around and lifting her leg. He fucked her hard like that, then slowly, then sweetly again, until she was delirious, until she’d come too many times to count, until she was as free and untethered as she’d been in subspace, floating somewhere where all the things that worried her no longer mattered, only this time it was just Soren that did it to her.
Only Soren.
And it was as she was coming back down from this place, her head resting on his chest, their legs intertwined, their clothes who knows where, that she had that moment of clarity.
That damn awful moment of clarity.
She loved him.
Well, that slammed her back down to reality pretty quickly.
The one thing she knew could not happen. The one thing she knew to avoid. The one thing he could not reciprocate, and she’d gone and done it anyway. She didn’t even have a divorce yet, and she was falling in love with the one man she couldn’t have. Not even done with one heartbreak and she’d set herself up for another.
She must have stiffened noticeably, the fear and dread running through her as contemplated her future. Fear, dread, and joy at feeling this wonderful thing, all mixed together in a confusing cocktail.
Soren’s hand rubbed her back. Cate closed her eyes.
Then he said, “Cate, tell me.”
“I can’t.”
Her voice was hoarse. She tried to hide the sadness in it.
You shouldn’t have to be sad when you realize you love somebody.
“Are you worried about the crap they put out this morning?”
Cate lifted her head off of his chest, puzzled.
“What?”
Soren sat up, cradling her under his arm, concern marring his otherwise perfect face. “You know it’s more bullshit, don’t you? I didn’t do what they’re saying I did.”
“Soren, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
He smiled.
“You were hiding from your phone.”
“Oh my God, will you stop showing off how predictable I am and tell me what the hell you are talking about!”
Soren ran a hand through his hair. “I haven’t seen it myself. Declan called me. Said there was a story online that I gave women drugs or something similar.”
Cate stared at him.
“What?” she said.
“I don’t know the details.”
“Ho sze=size="+1w was this not the first thing you told me?” she said. “Soren, this is my job. I need to protect you from this kind of thing.”
Cate put her face in her hands and tried to shut out her heart. She’d only just started listening to the stupid thing, had only just gotten brave enough to let it really feel, and now she had to lock it away again.
This was bad.
She had to game this out. The story already had several hours lead, there was no way to call and get it killed. She would have to respond, and she would have to go heavy on the research. She needed to have her entire team on it yesterday.
She needed to be one hundred percent not distracted by being in love with Soren.
“Oh, I am screwed,” she muttered.
“Hey,” Soren said, tilting her chin upwards. She’d never seen him look so worried. “You know I didn’t do this.”
Cate saw something there.
Was this the bigger thing she’d felt circling them, the thing he hadn’t talked about? He’d told her about his family, but there was something he’d held back. There always was. Cate herself was holding back a legal husband; she wouldn’t begrudge him his own secret.
She could see it, playing beneath his golden surface, tormenting him. Something eating him up inside, giving him those lines around his mouth, that grim sadness in his eyes.
“Soren, why don’t you think you’re any good at it?” she asked.
“What?” he said softly.
“You said you weren’t any good at love,” she said. “That’s why you don’t do relationships, commitment. Whatever we’re calling it this week.”
She smiled. He smiled. He had been a little bit of an ass when he’d said that to her.
“I know why I can’t do it,” she said hurriedly. And really, that hadn’t changed, had it? She wasn’t just babbling to cover up the fact that she’d just figured out that she loved him?
She went on, “I mean, I can’t…lose myself in something that way unless I’m sure I’m able to and not have it be horrible. Or whatever. You know what I mean.”
No, she was definitely babbling to cover up the fact that she loved him.
“Yeah,” he said.
“So?” she said, curling up in his lap. “You’re different. You’re over that; you’ve gotten past it. How can you possibly think you’re no good at love?”
Soren’s jaw tightened, and the tension returned to his shoulders. He was looking off somewhe sg oze="-re far away, somewhere that definitely didn’t have Cate in it.
For the first time, she felt alone with him.
“I’ve tried before,” he finally said.
He turned and locked eyes with her, holding her in place. She held her breath. She had no idea why; her body just stopped.
“I’m just not built that way,” he said. “I’ve tried. But I don’t have the ability to love a woman the way she deserves to be loved. The way you deserve to be loved, Cate. You can have everything I got, but that’s all I have to offer.”
Cate didn’t move.
It took all of her energy to pretend those words didn’t burrow down and kill something deep inside her. She felt rent in two, hollowed out, left empty. She’d known this was coming. She had.
She balled her fists, looked up, and forced herself to smile.
“I think you might have more to offer than you think you do,” she said quietly. “It’s a pretty good deal for me.”
“I like to offer value,” he said, grinning. “Now, what are we gonna do today?”
Cate shook her head. She knew what was about to happen. Soren was going to try to insist that they spend the day together, that they stay close, that he really show her beyond a doubt that he still cared about her, still found her interesting. The man had a mission.
And it made her want to cry.
He was about to try to spend the day with her rather than letting her get to work to protect him against a vicious, damaging slander, just because it might make her feel better. What else would you call it when a man would sacrifice his own welfare just to make sure a woman had a good day?
“We’re not doing anything today,” she said. “You are hiding out and recording or whatever it is you do at Declan’s. You are not going home. There will be reporters at home. I’ll go pick up Desi, but you are staying out of the spotlight until I can deal with this. And then I am going to work.”
“That’s not gonna work,” Soren said, and put another strong arm around her.
“Soren, please,” she said, putting a gentle hand on his face. God, it broke her heart. “Don’t let me fail at this. This is my job. This is the thing I know I’m good at.”
“You’re good at everything you do, as far as I can tell,” he said. “Stop saying otherwise.”
Cate closed her eyes.
“Soren. I need to go do this.”
He looked at her. H skede="+e wasn’t upset, and he wasn’t arguing, he was…figuring it out. It was unnerving. Cate remembered all the other times he had seen right through her and grew nervous; this would not be a great time for him to figure out that she loved him.
She hadn’t even had time to decide what that meant yet.
That was another thing. She needed time away from him. Away from his influence. Now that her brain had spoiled everything by figuring out how she really felt about him, just his presence, which was still intoxicating, was now sweetly painful, too.
Yeah, wow. She was a mess.
“Ok,” he said.
“Ok?”
“Ok. It’s important to you. So ok.” Soren dipped down and nibbled at her neck just below her ear. “New orders. Go kick ass.”
Cate shuddered. Whether from his lips on her body or from knowing she had a choice to make, she didn’t know. She would have to find out.
chapter 15
Soren thrashed through the closing chords and drops of sweat arced out from his hand, splattering on the studio floor. The last sounds of their current song hung in the air while the rest of the band watched him. Their eyes on him didn’t make this any easier. On the other hand, the situation with Cate was making for some amazing guitar solos.
Not much fucking consolation.
The woman was hiding from him now by burying herself in her work. He hadn’t seen her since he’d left her house. He’d stayed sequestered at Declan’s, as requested, but his patience for that was running thin. He didn’t really give a crap about the case, at least not in comparison to Cate, and he knew which concern would win out in the end if it came to that. He was worried that he’d pushed her too far, too fast, though he knew it had felt right; when he’d been there at her house, it had felt right. It had felt fucking perfect. She had been perfect. She’d opened up like a flower, and it had made her happy. And now he didn’t know what was wrong.
The worst fucking part about a situation like this was knowing that he was the one man who couldn’t help her right now. Apply pressure on something like this, and watch it all break apart. He was too disciplined to risk it all just because he wanted to see her.
But goddamn, was it difficult. He didn’t even like to think about the drug allegations. Or what Cate was likely to find when she went looking into it.
No, she believed in him. But she was hurting, somewhere, in some way, and Soren couldn’t help. Just knowing that made him feel like he was about to lose it.
“Let’s take a break,” Declan said and waved the other guys off. They all knew, after so many years together, when vheie heigh to clear out and let Soren and Declan hash it out. Soon it was just the two of them.