by Cox, Chloe
“You don’t owe me anything,” he said.
“I call bullshit again,” she said. And then, softer: “I don’t know what this is.”
Soren heard t>Soing,he vulnerability in her voice and he reacted. Didn’t think, didn’t analyze, just reacted. He leaned down and kissed her hard, kissed her well, kissed her thoroughly. Kissed her until he could feel her warm under him, until she opened up and pressed into him, until he knew he could coax a moan from her mouth.
“Me neither,” he said. “But I’m glad you’re here.”
***
Things seemed to warm up after that.
Well, not entirely. It was still a wake. And Soren could feel his presence wearing on his mother—he was like a constant reminder that things hadn’t been perfect. He’d burned some time checking up on what Declan had done about Desi—that dog would go nuts without someone he knew, so it was good that they’d gotten their drummer Gage to do it—and he’d managed to almost navigate the minefield that was introducing his mother to Cate.
His mother had taken one look at Cate and said, “This one of your women?”
Soren had introduced her as his lawyer, wanting to protect her from his mother. He thought Cate knew why, though she’d winced a little bit.
He was sure he’d find out later.
He’d needed a breather.
Which was why Sonya found him outside in the old yard, watching Brian and Cate play with the twins in what had become a light dusting of snow.
“You cooled off?” Sonya asked.
“About as cool as I’m gonna get,” Soren allowed.
“So I should just jump right in?”
Soren laughed again. “Sonya, you’re killing me.”
“It’s about Julia.”
There was a beat.
“Yeah, I figured.”
He looked at his sister, and she looked nervous again.
“I never told you that I knew,” she said.
Soren was still looking at her. His sister refused to look back, which he understood. She was looking at her kids, clenching her fists, her knuckles red and raw.
This was hard for her.
“You knew what?” Soren said quietly.
“That she h>">
“I know that.”
“No, you don’t, because she hid them because she was in love with you. She was clean when she was with you, as far as I know,” Sonya added. “But she just…she always ran away from anything too intense, you know? And you wouldn’t know this, but after you’ve been clean for a while is when you’re most likely to screw up and OD. You lose your tolerance.”
Soren stared.
“Jesus Christ, you were a junkie, too?”
“I was never a junkie,” Sonya said sharply. “I dabbled. I partied. Lots of us did when we hung out with bands. You were all straight-edge because of Mom, but I never inherited that gene, I guess, so I didn’t get hooked on anything.”
“Holy…”
Soren didn’t fully have words for this particular revelation. He tried to hold on to the thing that mattered: Julia, using. Not using with him.
“You know why she dumped you?” Sonya asked.
“No,” Soren said. “Never did.”
“You scared the crap out of her, because it was like it was this forever thing. She didn’t know how to deal with it, but you did, and she just… She wasn’t deeply damaged or anything, Soren, she was just young and stupid and unlucky.” Sonya blew into her hands and smiled as both of her kids tackled Cate. “She would have been back with you in, like, a week, I’m sure of it.”
Soren sat down heavily.
He had never felt so stupid in his entire life.
He had carried Julia’s death with him for so long…and even now, that feeling didn’t go away. Hell, it had never really made sense, had it? That feeling that he just hadn’t loved her well enough, that he’d failed her somehow. No, it was always dumb as rocks. It was just that now it was perfectly clear exactly how dumb it was.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” he said hoarsely.
Sonya sat down beside him, their legs hanging off the deck.
“Same reason Mom still treats you like she does, I guess,” Sonya said. “You know she’s never going to apologize, right? She can’t wrap her head around it, Soren. I mean, I can barely wrap my head around it, and I have forty, fifty years to try to make up for it. And I’m just your sister. Mom’s head would explode if she was ever actually honest with herself about the stuff she let happen to you.”
“And now you’re all reformed?” he said. “That doesn’t fly, Sonya.”
“I know. I just had some of my own, and that makes you reevaluate things.” Sonya ngsSonypaused. “You know why we were like that, don’t you?”
Soren was silent.
“We were afraid of him, Soren. Ok, I was afraid that if he ever stopped going after you, he might come after me. I think Mom was the same. It was just easier to blame you for everything. And now he’s dead, and he’s not hating anyone anymore, and…”
“Jesus Christ, Sonya,” he muttered.
He knew that. Intellectually he had figured that out years ago, even if it never felt true. That’s what made it complicated. That’s what made him send Sonya money when she needed it, or get Uncle Jim to check in on his mother every once in a while. But that didn’t make any of it better.
What a goddamn trip.
“You know what else?” Sonya said.
“Sonya, my head can’t take any more.” Soren put up a pleading hand. “It’s like you’ve put it in a paint mixer.”
“You know, that is not the first time I’ve heard that,” she said.
“That is not even a little bit surprising.”
“I was going to ask you for a cigarette.”
“Don’t smoke, ask Brian,” Soren said. “Brian!”
Brian’s head popped up from beneath a pile of yellow-headed kids. He almost looked glad to be summoned, although Tyler—or Madison?—got one last kick to his shin as he got up.
He limped over, his expression alternating between a smile and a grimace.
“Lovely children, Sonya,” he said.
“Thanks for wearing them out,” she said. “They should go to sleep fine. Can I bum one?”
Soren was already checked out. He was watching Cate.
As always, he was watching Cate.
She had a four year old stuck to each leg and was trying to pretend like she was stomping on downtown Tokyo, only it turned out that four year olds were a lot heavier than they looked. She kind of shuffled around while the twins laughed, making monster noises, her arms waving around in the air.
She made this all seem normal. Made it seem natural. She had two kids that looked like him attached to her, and she made it seem…possible.
Soren couldn’t stop watching.
chapter 17
Cate hadn’t been to many funerals. She certainly hadn’t been to one where at least three people in attendance felt obligated to hide their faces and stand far, far away, just in case there happened to be any photographers present.
The funeral itself was sober, and calm, and anticlimactic. There weren’t any big blowouts, there wasn’t any drama. Soren mostly seemed interested in making sure his mother was ok, which for him meant staying out of her way. It was surreal. The world didn’t seem to return to normal until later, when they’d all gone back to Uncle Jim’s.
Cate had stayed there the previous night. She was staying there again tonight.
She’d stayed there with Soren. In the attic room he’d fixed up for Jim, the place where Soren stayed when he was in town. It was this private, intimate place, filled with little things that Soren had chosen—his music, his books, his place. She’d booked a hotel room, but after the wake Soren had told her she wasn’t going anywhere, and then he’d fallen asleep holding her in his arms.
It was the first time they’d just gone to sleep together, no sex involved. Well, ‘first’ was a bit presumptuous. Sh
e shouldn’t think like that. Whatever was happening here, there was definitely no road map for it, no rules. And definitely no guarantees.
But it did feel like the cusp of something great, like something just out of reach. Something that might disappear if she tried to hard. Cate tried not to think about too much, especially because they hadn’t exactly had time to talk about it—a funeral, with all this family stuff, with Soren clearly in the middle of dealing with things from the past, wasn’t really the right time. Cate wasn’t always the most tactful person on the planet, but she had at least gotten that one right.
Didn’t mean it wasn’t making her crazy. It just meant she had to suck it up. Really, it was her own fault for letting her imagination run wild, but Cate couldn’t even get mad at herself for that. Every time she looked at Soren she thought, Who would blame me?
And now? Watching these people all gather around each other, regardless of the messy issues and drama and whatever else was going on? It seemed like a family, in its way. Even Soren’s mother looked happy when she was with her grandchildren, or as happy enough as she could be under the circumstances. Sonya and Soren were talking, even if you could see them dance around each other like fencers, not quite sure of each other. Declan and Molly were in their own little world, and Brian was hanging out with Uncle Jim, who had turned out to be great.
No matter how messed up these people were, Cate found she was a little bit jealous. It was a real family that cared about each other, even if they didn’t always know it. And Soren, as far as she was concerned, was the beating heart of it.
Really, who would blame her for wanting more of him than she could have?
Speaking of which, where was the giant blond Viking?
Cate reacted so sharply to his hands coming around her waist from behind that she blushed and looked around to make sure no one had seen her. Not an appropriate reaction, not at all, and totally not within her control.
She tried to calm herself. That pretty much failed spectacularly.
“You really shouldn’t do that unless we’re in private,” she managed.
Soren squeezed her tight, his big torso enveloping hers, and rumbled something unintelligible into her ear. Cate’s stomach fluttered, and she tried to ignore the growing heat between her legs.
“This is really inappropriate,” she said. She wasn’t complaining.
“I’ve been appropriate all day,” Soren said. “I’ve been a freaking angel. I’ve earned some sinning.”
“An ‘angel?’ You? Really?”
“I bribed Sonya into letting me buy her a big house here so she can move in with my mother,” Soren said. “Uncle Jim’s gonna help them out. They’ll all be happier, Sonya will have help with the kids, and maybe my mother will mellow out.”
Cate shook her head slightly. This man. “How did you bribe Sonya?”
“She made me promise to come back for Christmas.”
Cate turned around in his arms, the smile spreading across her face. “Do you realize how sweet that is?”
“Careful,” Soren said, his eyes darkening. “Remember the last time you called me sweet.”
Cate’s breath hitched. She remembered it very, very well. She had liked that dress. But she’d liked it more when he’d ripped it to shreds.
If she wasn’t careful, she was going to lose control of herself.
“Soren,” she said softly. She didn’t know what else to say. She hadn’t even thought about what it would be like to be with him now, knowing that she loved him and knowing he didn’t…well, she didn’t know what he felt.
His touch, that intoxicating touch—suddenly it frightened her, too. She couldn’t resist it, even though she knew how much it would hurt when he told her he couldn’t love her back.
Soren looked down at her face and smiled. Then he touched her cheek and said, “Come with me.”
He took her hand and led her up the stairs.
Wordlessly, Cate followed. She didn’t know if anyone else noticed their exit and wouldn’t have cared if they had; the rest of the world was fading away from her, slowly and inexorably, as she followed the man she had come to love wherever the heck he was taking he w’t haveer.
She could tell, with Soren. Something important was coming. Cate could barely breathe.
He’d made the bed in this attic room, which made her smile, but that wasn’t where they were headed. She didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed about that, so she settled on both until Soren opened the skylight and showed her what he’d been doing when he disappeared from the group.
He’d cleared a little place for them on the roof, a little circle in the snow with blankets piled high and New York City glittering off in the distance. It was unbelievably sweet.
“Real tough guy, huh?” Cate said.
“Hey, I hunted these blankets down myself,” he said. Soren stepped over the blankets, keeping hold of Cate’s hand, and sat down with room for Cate between his legs. “I figured we needed to talk, and this was the only place we were going to get any privacy. Plus I thought you might like it,” he said.
Cate tried to quell her nervousness at the idea of a ‘talk.’ She didn’t know if she was ready for a ‘talk.’ The truth was, she might never be ready for a ‘talk.’
She was standing there, mouth agape, like a moron.
Soren fixed her with a look. Then came the voice.
“Sit down,” he ordered.
There were times when it almost annoyed her how much that helped. Almost.
Besides, there were worse things than being nestled tightly in Soren’s arms, leaning into his chest with her head resting on his shoulder. At least she’d get to look at the New York lights while she quietly freaked out. Her heart was beating so hard she was pretty sure it qualified as an escape attempt.
Soren took another blanket and pulled it over Cate, drowning her in warmth.
“We’re not in the arctic circle,” she said, smiling at his thoughtfulness—and then she felt his hands on the buttons of her coat. “Oh.”
“I want to feel your skin for this,” he said.
Jesus. What could she say to that?
Cate just sighed and dug her fingers into the front of his thighs while he worked her coat loose. She was scared, she was nervous, but not one cell in her body would let her say no to something that felt like this. Whenever they were in contact, this all made so much more sense. Maybe she needed sense right now.
Silently she leaned forward and let him take the coat off of her, and when he tugged at her shirt, she lifted her arms. Next came her bra, and she gasped when the cold air hit her nipples, and then again when Soren immediately replaced her bra with his hands, burying them both under the warm blanket again.
“Better,” he said.
“Yes,” she breathed.
“Your heart is racing,” he said.
“It has been since you brought me up here.” Cate took a deep breath. “No, before that. All the time, really. You are basically a form of cardio.”
She heard the rumble of his laugh and immediately felt warmer, felt more secure.
“Take off your shirt,” she said. “Please? I want to feel you against me, too.”
A few moments of laughing fumbling later, and Cate had her bare back against Soren’s bare chest, his hands on her breasts, and a strange sense of calm deep in her chest. It was balanced out by the growing need she felt building between her legs.
“Even better,” she said.
“When you’re right, you’re right.” Soren moved his hands, kneading and toying, almost absent-mindedly. Cate rolled her head against him and groaned.
“Cate,” he said. “Don’t be scared.”
“I can’t help it.”
She realized how true that was as soon as she said it. She hadn’t thought any of this through. And then she’d showed up on his mother’s doorstep in the middle of his stepfather’s wake, and told him that even though he might suck at it, she had ‘remedial’ skill at love.
Those actual words had come out of her mouth.
Unbidden, unplanned. They just kind of took on a life of their own, and then they were out there, in the air between them, impossible to take back or unsay. And the look on Soren’s face told her he understood the implication: that she loved him.
And now it was out there and they were talking but not talking and she was terrified. And she had ended this once already, and yet here she was, in his hometown after a funeral, half-naked on his roof with his hands on her breasts.
“Oh God, Soren, say something, please,” she said.
HIs hands roamed over her body then, his mouth on her neck, not teasingly, not as something meant to get a response, just…ownership. Possession. Being close to her. It left her breathless, and stronger, and more ready for whatever came next.
“I need to tell you about Julia,” he finally said.
Good thing he’d prepared her.
“I know about her,” Cate said. “I know some. I know she was your girlfriend. I know you broke up, and then she died.” She paused. “Heroin overdose.”
“Yeah, all true,” Soren said. “But not the truth.”
In the dark, Cate smiled.
“I thought it was my fault,” Soren said simply. “Still do, even though I know it’s stupid. There are some things my gut and brain disagree on, and that’s one of them. Feeling guilty is easier than admitting I had no control over the situation, I guess. I didn’t love her as well as she deserved, she left, and then she died, and I wasn’t able to love anyone after that,” Soren said. “That’s what I thought. And I did try to love other women. Man, did I try.”
“Ok, I don’t need to hear about that,” Cate interjected.
And then she clapped a hand over her mouth.
Goddammit, why did she go and say something like that? Why did she have to go and cross the boundaries she’d even set for herself, let alone Soren’s boundaries, and then just…blurt it out, without even thinking about it?