What did it matter if they caught Sterling if my dad was dead? Nothing would matter anymore.
Nineteen
We arrived at the hospital twenty minutes later. Noah had an old t-shirt in the back of the Bronco and he insisted I slip it on over my dress. Insisted I’d be cold once we got inside. I wondered if I’d ever feel anything again besides this numbness that had settled deep in my soul, as if none of this were real. Not knowing if my dad were dead or alive.
Mr. Shaw was waiting for us outside the main doors, his face in jagged relief under the yellow lights of the overhang. “They already took him to surgery,” he offered without preamble.
“So he’s alive?” I voiced my hope.
“Yes. But he’s in very serious condition, Caris. The doctor said it might be a while before we know anything. He’s strong. He’ll get through this.”
I nodded and blinked away a fresh wave of tears. My dad was alive. I was thankful for that much. “I need to be in there.”
“Thomas is already waiting.” Mr. Shaw stepped forward triggering the automatic door open. “I’ll walk you up.”
“He is?” Good. My dad needed Thomas right now. Noah’s hand at the small of my back urged me through the door.
“Noah,” Mrs. Jacobs said, her tone uncertain.
“I’m going with her.” Noah took my hand again, holding it fast.
“What is it?” I asked, unable to decipher the look passing between them.
“Hospitals aren’t the safest places for us.” Mrs. Jacobs crossed her arms in front of her chest in a sort of self-hug. We were all still damp from the rain. Our clothes half dry. “Maybe you should wait outside,” she said to Noah.
Safe? Did that place exist anymore? Whatever the risk to me, I couldn’t think about it right now. My dad was all that mattered.
“I have to be with him. He needs me.” My eyes searched Noah’s face. The warmth of his fingers the only sensation my body registered, the only thing that felt real. As much as I wanted him to come with me, I couldn’t ask him to put himself at risk for me. No one. Ever again. “You should stay out here, Noah.”
“I’m going with you.” His fingers tightened around mine, the look in his eyes resolute. I was about to argue further when Mrs. Jacobs spoke up.
“Well then take these.” She dug inside her purse, pulled out her scarf and Noah’s cell phone and handed both to him. “Don’t touch anything. I’ll run home and get you some dry clothes. Call me if you need anything else before I get back.”
“I’ll drive you,” Mr. Shaw said. “I don’t want you going anywhere alone.”
“I’d appreciate that.” Noah relaxed at the suggestion.
Oh God. Why was this happening? I couldn’t imagine a life without my dad. The pearl around my neck mocked me with its sudden heaviness. I’d found my place only to have my dad ripped away from me.
“Marshall’s right.” Mrs. Jacobs ran her hand over my hair, tucking a piece of it behind my ear. “Patrick will get through this.”
Maybe if enough people said it, it would be true. Please let it be true. I tried to smile but doubted I was successful. I may never smile again.
Once inside, we had to wait a few seconds for the elevator. When the doors opened it was empty, and Noah and I were the only people to get on.
Noah used the scarf like a glove and pressed the number three. The button lit up and the doors slid shut. “Is it really that much of a risk just being here?” Were we really that vulnerable? That fragile?
“She tends to be overly cautious,” Noah tried to assure me. I was beyond reassurance. My whole world had exploded. Nothing seemed out of the realm of possibility anymore. My own uncle had, in essence, just shot the man that meant the most to me in the world, and he’d done it out of spite. Out of vengeance. I couldn’t even contemplate what Sterling implied about Jamie. My uncle was a monster.
“Noah, you should wait outside.” First my mother. Now my dad. I couldn’t risk Noah, no matter how bad I wanted to keep him with me.
“Caris, I’m not leaving you alone. It’ll be fine.”
“Will it?” I asked, my eyes imploring.
He grasped my face and kissed my forehead. He made no promises other than he would stay with me. It was enough. The elevator doors opened, and we followed the signs to the waiting room, my hand tucked in his.
I spotted Thomas right away. He sat in one of the chairs lined up against the wall facing a glassed-in reception desk. My impression was he must have jumped right out of bed. His thick hair looked like he’d run his hands through it over and over. I’d never seen him in glasses before. I hurried over to him and was met with a warm embrace. He’d become an important part of my dad’s life in such a short time.
“He’s in surgery,” he said. “The doctor said we should expect to wait a while.”
“I know. We saw Mr. Shaw downstairs.”
“They’ll call when it’s over.” Thomas indicated a phone on the wall next to the reception area. “Marshall knows the nurse in charge and they’ve been filling me in, though there’s not much to tell at this point. Now that you’re here, I’m sure they’ll want to talk to you.”
“Thanks, Thomas. It means a lot to me to have you here.”
“I wouldn’t be anywhere else.” He let me go and I gravitated back to Noah as if he were the only thing holding me to earth. I was a balloon. Weightless. Directionless. “Patrick is a strong man. He loves you more than anything. And he knows you love him. That will help him get through this. He has a lot to live for.”
“I know. You didn’t see him though. He was so pale. If he dies…” I closed my eyes, wishing I could purge those last images of my dad from my mind. I felt a tear escape through my lids as Noah’s arms came around me from behind and he held me until I stopped shaking.
“I can’t promise he won’t,” Thomas said, his expression like an extension of my own despair. “But I know he’ll fight.”
* * *
Maggie brought fresh coffee and doughnuts. Not that I had anything resembling an appetite.
She hugged me when she walked in, enveloping me in the familiar scents of her shop. Smells that had become such an everyday part of my life. They endeavored to comfort me, but I knew no matter how many people showed up to support me and my dad, I’d never find complete comfort while we were still here in the hospital. “Oh, sweetie, you’re so cold.”
Was I?
She rubbed my arms furiously. I was pretty much beyond feeling anything but the dread of the inevitable. With every ding of the elevator, every cleared throat or cough, every time the nurse came in to call a family name, I expected the floor to open up and swallow me whole. It was like waiting for the world to end.
“Is there any kind of magic for this?” I asked, hoping against hope some Charm existed that could save a life.
“No, honey, none that I possess.”
She dispensed the coffee. The doughnuts remained untouched as we sat in the chairs facing the door from which the doctor would come and either save or destroy my world. I sat between Thomas and Maggie. Noah’s mom had sent him a text message saying she was back and he’d gone down to meet her, leaving the three of us alone in the waiting room. Thomas and I were exchanging Patrick stories, and I’d managed to wrestle a laugh out of him when I’d told him about the time when I was nine and my dad dressed up like Chewbacca for Halloween because I was Han Solo. Han wouldn’t go anywhere without Chewbacca. Not even trick or treating. I think I was even smiling at the memory. I hoped memories weren’t all I had left of him.
“How did you and my dad meet?” I asked. A story I hadn’t thought to ask until now.
“Actually Clare, Erin’s mother, introduced us,” he said, his smile wistful under worried eyes.
“I’ve never met Erin’s mother.” Erin’s parents were divorced, and while I knew her mother lived close, I’d never met her.
“Clare is stunning. Erin looks just like her. Her interior design business is a few doors down from t
he gallery and we eat lunch together about once a week. We were at Edward’s one day a few months ago, and Patrick was there for a business lunch. He stopped by the table to say hello on his way out. I’m not tongue tied very often, but…” He looked down at the coffee cup in his hands. “He has arresting eyes. I guess Clare could tell I was interested. She slipped me his card before I left. I called him for coffee the next week.” He looked over at me, his faint smile fading completely. “And here we are.”
Here we were, waiting for the doctor to come tell us whether he would live or die.
“Look who I found.”
We turned at the sound of Noah’s voice. He’d changed clothes and was wearing a fresh long sleeved t-shirt and a pair of shorts. Erin was with him and she held out her arms to me when I stood.
“Oh, Caris, I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks for coming, Erin.” We shared a brief hug.
“Lara sent you these.” She dropped a canvas bag from her shoulder and held it between us by the straps. “She said they might be a little big but they’re dry and warm.”
“Thank you,” I said for what felt like the hundredth time today. My dress dried quickly enough, but it was stiff with salt and sand and I would be glad to get out of it.
“Have you heard anything yet?” She stepped around me and gave Thomas a side hug.
“No, not yet.” Which I took as an encouraging sign. No news was good news. Right?
“He’s going to be fine. You have to believe that. You’ve got a sidewalk full of people sending you and your dad prayers and good vibes. Jeb is here and Quinn and Daniel and a bunch of other people I don’t know.”
“Really?” I hugged the bag to my chest, taking some comfort in her words. She looped her arm around my shoulder, guiding me towards the bathroom door just down the hallway from the waiting room.
“You have a lot of people that care about you and your dad. When all that happened with me, I think that’s what helped the most. Knowing people cared. It didn’t stop the pain. The hurt. Nothing could stop that, but it helped knowing.”
“It does help,” I said, reaching for the bathroom door. She ushered me inside then left me to get changed.
After using the bathroom, I opened the bag and pulled out a pair of yoga pants and a long-sleeved oversized jersey. Mrs. Jacobs thought to include a fresh toothbrush and a face wipe. Once changed, I wadded up my dress and Noah’s t-shirt and stuffed them inside the bag. Part of me wanted to throw the dress in the trash. Get rid of any reminders of this night. I’d never be able to wear that dress again and not feel Sterling’s hand tight on my arms. Hear the echo of gunfire. See my dad fall.
Maggie’s carefully applied makeup was smeared around my eyes, and the jewels she’d painstakingly put in place clung precariously to my skin. I splashed my face with warm water, the jewels plinking in the sink as they fell. I scrubbed until my skin was raw and agitated, as if I could scrub away the sham my Soulfast turned out to be. If it hadn’t been for this stupid ceremony my dad wouldn’t be fighting for his life. All these people wouldn’t be here, filling my heart with a bittersweet ache. Just hours ago I’d been happy. I stared at the pearl I now wore around my neck, its silver iridescence shiny in the mirror. Had Sterling insisted on this farce as a ploy to get to my dad, to exact revenge for a slight committed twenty years ago? Were we all so easily manipulated?
I ran my fingers through my hair, pushing it behind my ears. The toothbrush came next and as the water ran in the sink, I watched the jewels wash down the drain.
Mr. Shaw was back when I came out of the shower. He and Noah were off by themselves, expressions grim, voices pitched low in an effort not to be heard. Maggie and Erin were keeping Thomas company, and while they smiled and laughed occasionally, Thomas remained constrained, and I knew he was hurting as much as I was. We both loved my dad in ways no one else did, and knowing that created a bond between us that hadn’t been there before. I walked toward Noah and Mr. Shaw, thinking how cruel that this happened when my dad was finally establishing a life filled with love and stability. One not centered around me.
“You look better,” Noah said, stalling in his conversation with Mr. Shaw when I approached.
“What’s going to happen?” I looked between them. I knew they were talking about Sterling. “Will they be able to catch him?”
“It’s not that simple, Caris. Athen is looking. The Coast Guard is out in full force,” Mr. Shaw said, as though he didn’t have confidence in either.
It wouldn’t be enough. Sterling believed himself invincible. I was beginning to believe it too.
“I’m going to go for a walk. Maybe get some fresh air.” I was grateful for the strong show of support, but I needed to be alone with my thoughts, prepare myself if the worst happened and I never saw my dad alive again.
“You want me to come with you?” Noah asked.
“No. I’d like to be alone for a few minutes. I won’t be gone long,” I said.
“I’ll take this back to the car.” Noah slipped the bag his mom sent off my shoulder. “You sure you’ll be okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Unless of course the doctor came through that door and said they’d done all they could but it wasn’t enough. In that case, I’d never be fine again.
I turned to go, then paused, my eyes finding Mr. Shaw’s. “He’s going to get away with this, isn’t he?”
Mr. Shaw didn’t answer. He didn’t have to.
* * *
I sat in the chapel, the pew underneath me soft and cushy, but I wasn’t comforted. I’d been staring at the emblem of a cross that hung on the wall. The symbol of love for many. A symbol of sacrifice. It seemed they went hand in hand. I wasn’t overly religious. I hadn’t made a conscious decision to believe in God or not to believe, so I wasn’t sure what drew me to come here. Quiet. Peacefulness. The hope I was so desperate to find.
Was there hope in sacrifice? My mother seemed to think so. Her sacrifice had been her escape. The giving of one’s life to make someone else’s better. That’s what my mother had done. In her mind, she’d given her life to make mine better. To save Athen. She’d been happy to do it. And now my dad may make the same kind of sacrifice through no choice of his own, just because he loved me. Because he’d loved her and done what she asked.
As for Sterling, my own flesh and blood, it was hard to imagine anyone being that vengeful. And now Athen and Noah had promised to make the same sort of sacrifices with the vow they’d both made. Promised to use their bodies in the protection of mine. A meaningless vow, a symbolic gesture. Or so I thought, until through Sterling’s bitter actions, I’d seen the harsh reality of what that vow carried out looked like. I was making a vow of my own. No one else was going to be hurt because of me. No one else was going to die for me.
The door to the chapel opened. I didn’t turn around to see who it was. A few other people had come and gone, making use of the chapel, a respite from their grief, and I hadn’t paid them much attention, so caught up I was in my own. Seconds later, or it might have been minutes or an hour, it was hard to tell anymore, Noah scooted onto the seat beside me. He was really good at just being there. Not forcing conversations I’d rather not have. Not offering promises we both knew weren’t his to make. His presence was as steadfast and reliable as the coming of the tide.
“Why did he do it?” I turned my head to look at him. “Did he just pretend to want the Soulfast just to get at my dad?”
“Maybe. I don’t know for sure,” he said.
“What other reasons would there be? It just doesn’t make sense.” Nothing about what happened tonight made sense.
“To prove that he can. That he would. Punish the tribe for not supporting him,” he said with a note of distain.
“How does wanting my dad dead punish the tribe?” I asked, not following his logic.
“Because we’re left to deal with the repercussions. By undoing years of trying to build a trust between the two species. He shot a lander and if…” he paused, his
eyes darkening.
“If my dad dies he’s committed murder for no good reason other than he interfered, and that puts us all under suspicion. Ignoring us won’t be enough anymore.”
“Yes. And if Athen is too busy making nice with the locals, that leaves him little time to challenge Sterling’s political aspirations amongst the tribes.”
“He tried to kill my dad, Noah.” It was like chewing broken glass to say the next words. “He may have succeeded. Why would anyone follow him now?”
“Not everyone will view it that way, with your dad being a lander. Sterling could spin it to his advantage. Your dad stole you, a cherished female member of the tribe. People would be sympathetic. Some might even feel he was justified in his actions.”
Which was crazy and I told him so. I wondered if the same people would be sympathetic if they knew he possibly killed one of their own. Now would be a good time to tell Noah what Sterling had said about Jamie. The words sat on the tip of my tongue. He would want to know. He deserved to know. But I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. Maybe when all this was over. When I knew my dad would be all right. It wasn’t that I didn’t have faith in Noah, didn’t have confidence in him. I did. But Sterling had proved the extent of his brutality. Could I live with myself if I sent Noah up against Sterling and something happened to him? Because that’s exactly what I’d be doing. No way would Noah simply choose not to go after Sterling. He’d kill him, or die trying. A fierce protectiveness rose in me. I wasn’t ready to take that risk yet and might never be.
So I said nothing, and we fell into one of those long stretches of silence that Noah filled with nothing but the warmth of his body and the measured rate of his breath.
“Do you believe in God?” I asked quiet minutes later.
He took his time answering, as if mulling it over in his mind. “I believe in love,” he said. “I think it’s kind of the same thing.”
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