You have the protection of my body.
Those words stayed with me, the fruition of them unthinkable. Before, it seemed a harmless vow. Before Sterling hurt my dad and made the promise real. Noah wasn’t going to give his body in protection of mine. I wouldn’t let him. Sometime over the last few days I’d known what I needed to do, I just lacked the courage. But I knew I couldn’t keep putting Noah through more mind-numbing days of indecision.
It had to be today. My dad was coming home from the hospital in the morning, and I needed this settled. My fingers fumbled at my wrist.
“What are you doing?” Noah pushed himself to his feet and stared down at me, his expression one of cold, hard panic.
“I made a mistake.” I fell too fast. I fell too hard. His devotion scared me. He said always. It put him at risk. I put him at risk. Hadn’t Sterling implied that too? He would use me against Noah if necessary? Maybe the only way I could keep him safe was to let him go.
“Don’t,” Noah begged and his tone only solidified my resolve. It was like he was in actual pain at the thought of me taking off his pearl.
I knew I was.
I thought the clasp might offer a bit of resistance, but it slipped right off, leaving my wrist barren.
“This.” I held the bracelet in my hand. My chest grew tight, my voice tighter. “This feels like forever. I’m not ready for forever. Honestly Noah, can you say you’re ready for something this binding? You’ve never even been with anyone else.”
“Is that what this is about? You want to be with someone else?” He looked like I just punched him in the gut. Lips parted, his eyes wide with disbelief, fighting for breath.
“No. Of course not.” I waved off that absurd suggestion. This was about me doing what I needed to make sure he was safe from me.
“Because I don’t.” His hands were like hot coals when they grabbed my arms and dragged me to my feet. “You want honesty? I’ll give it to you. You’re mine. You have been since the day you stepped foot on this very beach and you sang to me. You belong to me. Not your dad. Not Athen. Sure as hell not Sol. No one else is going to touch you. Kiss you. Make love to you.” He grabbed my face and kissed me. His lips seared mine like a brand and his pearl flamed so hot I cried out. He was fire, burning me with his words. Burning me with his touch. Burning right through me with his eyes. “She gave you to me. Nobody else. Your mother gave you to me.”
“Wh… what?” My eyes searched his. What was he talking about?”
His hands fell, releasing me, and I swayed under the look in his eyes. He stepped back, his head slowly shaking back and forth as if he wanted to take the words back, as if there were some revelation in uttering them.
“Noah?”
“It was a dream,” he said. “At least, I thought it was dream. I know different now. It’s a memory. The earliest one I have. I couldn’t have been more than two. Hell, I know exactly how old I was. It was June 23, 1996.”
My birthday. The year I was born. One minute fire coursed under my skin and the next I shivered with cold. I wanted to tell him to stop, that I couldn’t handle knowing any more about her. Everything I learned did nothing but cause pain.
“It was storming. I remember my mom being short with me and Jamie because we were stuck in the house. I remember hearing someone scream, thinking it was her. I remember a baby crying.” He looked at me, the fire in his eyes extinguished, replaced by a look so unbearably sweet it was as if he’d just wrapped me in his heart. “It was you. I remember sneaking down the hall and standing in the doorway to your mother’s room and watching her sleep. She opened her eyes and looked right at me and she smiled. Your smile. I remember exactly what she said. ‘Tell her I love her. Take care of her. You’ll do that for me won’t you, Noah?’”
Why was I even trying to breathe? She asked so much. Of my dad. Of Noah. Whether she meant it or not, it was too much.
“You have to take this back, Noah. You’re not responsible for me,” I pleaded, desperate to undo the bond of my Song, the admonition of a dying girl. It would only get him hurt. Like my mother. Like my dad.
“Why are you doing this?” His expression was genuinely confused. “I thought we were past this. I can’t undo what I said. I don’t want to. Why won’t you accept it? I know how you feel about me. I feel how you feel about me. You sing it to me. Do you really think I could walk way from that? From you?”
“My mom died for me. I watched a bad man take a gun and point it at my dad and shoot him just because he loved me. I can’t handle anyone else making sacrifices like that for me. Especially not you. Never you. Promise me you won’t die for me.”
“I can’t promise you that. I already promised I would. So you can act like you want to break up with me or whatever the hell this is. Wear the bracelet. Don’t wear it. You can throw in the bottom of the Deep for all I care. It won’t change a thing.” He turned his back to me, paced a few steps before facing me again, frustration curling on his lip. “But if you do put that back on, you better be sure, because I’m not having this conversation again. I’m tired of trying to convince my girlfriend that it’s okay for me to love her as much as I do.”
“Noah…” I stared down at the bracelet in my hand, wondering why it was there. Why had I taken it off? I just knew that I had to. Couldn’t we just be together like normal teenagers without all this other stuff complicating it? But I wasn’t normal and he sure wasn’t, and I loved him for it. What was I even thinking? Noah did this to me. He twisted my thoughts and feelings around where I wasn’t sure I wanted what I said I did.
He sighed, a slow release of pent up frustration. “Now, I’d like to go for a swim. I’d like for you to come with me. But I know you’re too stubborn to. You let me know when you figure all this out.”
He turned for the water. Moving uncharacteristically slow, giving me a chance to change my mind. Begging me with every step to go with him. I couldn’t.
“Stubborn? You’re calling me stubborn?” I yelled after him as he continued on without me, losing himself in the water. “You can’t just not let me break up with you!”
Who was I kidding? That’s exactly what he’d done.
* * *
I drove my dad’s car to school the next day. I couldn’t bring myself to ask Noah for a ride after our break up that really wasn’t, and he hadn’t offered with his usual text. The three hours passed like three hundred and I went straight back home to check on my dad. Thomas had brought him home, and by the time I got there with lunch, he was settled on the couch in the living room. He refused to be stuck in his room. We’d talked while Thomas did some work and he’d tired so fast and ended up in his bed anyway, taking a nap.
“You might as well go in to the shop if you want to, Caris. There’s not a whole lot you can do,” Thomas said. “My assistant is bringing dinner, so we’re good. Go out with Noah.”
I’d hugged him around the back of his neck, squeezing my eyes shut at the tears that wanted to form at the mention of Noah’s name. “You really are great, Thomas. My dad is really lucky.”
“You okay?” he asked, angling his head toward me.
“Yes. School is just a drag right now, but other than that I’m fine.” I scooted out the door before he could probe further and I confessed I’d broken up with Noah. I mean, I had broken up with him, hadn’t I?
Riding my bike made me think about Noah. Seeing the gulf through the buildings made me think about his eyes, and when I stopped and got ice cream, I thought about him because he always bought me ice cream and fed it to me with a spoon. And then when my mouth was really cold and tasted like chocolate he’d kiss me and tell me how delicious I was. And that made me want to kiss him, and I questioned whether I was doing the right thing when I loved him so much. And it was because I loved him so much that I was pushing him away.
“Hey, you all right?” Maggie asked when I walked into the shop and had to wipe my face because Felix and his sad brown eyes eked a tear out of me. I finished scratching his head
and stood up, putting my best face forward.
“Yeah,” I said. “My dad’s home.”
“I know. I called to check on him earlier. You need me to bring dinner or anything later?”
“No. Thomas has it covered. Thomas has everything covered,” I said, and I really didn’t mean to sound put out by the idea, but I kind of was. On top of everything else, my dad didn’t need me anymore. He had someone else in his life that loved him, and while I was happy for him, it made me sad too. God, I felt like all kinds of crazy.
“It’s okay to feel off kilter with everything that’s happened, you know. Give yourself some time. It’s not every day the person you love most gets shot and almost dies. Quit being so hard on yourself. You don’t even need to be here. If you want to go home or swim or whatever, you can.”
“No. I kind of need to be here, if that’s okay.”
“Of course it is, and I have something that might make you feel better,” she said, a triumphant look on her face. I took the bottle she handed me and unstopped the topper. The oil was warm and the scent flooded my senses with so many feelings I was dizzy.
“This is it,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.
“I thought it might be. Freshly pressed.” She jerked her head toward the rain curtain. “Now go on. I expect perfection.”
I didn’t need any more encouragement. I waded through the curtain, the bottle clutched in my hand, and stopped when I saw the plant on the table. I walked over to it and touched the big white bloom lightly. A few days ago it had been nothing but green leaves, but now it bloomed and the blossoms scented the room with what I’d been missing. My mother.
I sat down on the stool and went to work, though now that I had the final ingredient, the lotion came together quickly. When I felt it was right, when I felt it was perfect, when I knew it was Rena, I took the finished product to Maggie.
She took the jar and I watched her face expectantly as she dipped her nose and inhaled long and steady. Her expression didn’t change. Her eyes closed and she smelled it again. The next test was a dip of her finger as she spread the creamy lotion on the back of her hand. She lifted it to her nose and gave it one last smell test before examining her skin. Then her diamond eyes regarded me.
“Can you duplicate it?” she asked, her tone serious as a heart attack.
“Yes.” I held my breath, not wanting to find hope in the question. She sniffed again and shifted her hand under a light.
“You thought of a name for it?” The tone of her voice told me nothing. Whether she liked it or thought it smelled like Felix’s butt.
I winced. “It’s kind of cheesy.”
She raised her eyebrows in question.
“Summer’s Last Breath.” After the flower that made up the last ingredient. The missing ingredient.
She smiled and handed the jar back to me. “I’ll make up a label this weekend.”
“Really?” Hope bloomed on my face.
“Really. It’s good. I might even buy some myself.”
I squealed and jumped up and down. In the midst of my celebration, the door chime went off. Felix barked a welcome, and I turned to see Noah coming in the door. He bent down and rubbed Felix under the chin.
“Look.” I bounded over to him, forgetting in my excitement that I’d tried to break up with him last night. Sort of.
His eyes landed on my wrist and sparked with a flash of hurt before he was able to snuff it out. His expression remained guarded when he looked at me, and I held the jar under his nose.
“It finally met Maggie’s approval.” And now I wanted his approval. I wanted to share this with him.
He sniffed, his face impassive. “It’s good.”
That’s it? I wanted to throw my arms around him and tell him it was better than good. That I’d done it. But he held himself aloof, our conversation of the night before creating a gap between us. A gap I’d put in place.
“I got something for Maggie,” he said, and stepped around me. He didn’t touch me. He didn’t kiss me hello like he normally did. But really, could I blame him?
Maggie had gone in the back and I watched as Noah walked through the rain curtain, calling her name as he did. I was left with my new creation, feeling a little bit hollow.
The door chimed again and Mrs. Paulson came in, her gray hair covered in a wide-brimmed straw hat. She took her sunglasses off. She wore so many diamonds her finger shot stars.
“Hi, Mrs. Paulson. I’ve got your stuff ready.” I walked around the counter and took the sack I’d filled yesterday with her usual order. A small tube of anti-aging face serum, a jar of vanilla body cream, and body spray. She was about to spend four weeks in Paris with her husband and insisted she’d go completely mad if she ran out of anything.
“I see you’re letting your hair grow out,” she said as she took her sack of goodies. “It looks so pretty, just the right amount of curl.”
“Thank you,” I said just as Noah made a reappearance. He nodded at me, his eyes lingering over my face. He smiled at Mrs. Paulson and inclined his head. We both watched him head for the door.
“He’s a keeper, that one,” Mrs. Paulson said when he was gone. “And hot.” She fanned herself dramatically, making her own way to the door.
“Have fun on your trip.” I followed her out onto the sidewalk. I was hoping to catch Noah before he got too far away. I had no idea what I was going to say. I hadn’t changed my mind, but I did want to talk to him. And that was probably unfair, but I called after him anyway.
He stopped, clearly not wanting to, and turned around. I slowed my steps and stopped a few feet away. “I didn’t think you’d be in today with your dad coming home from the hospital. How is he?”
“He’s good. Thomas is with him, and I was bored anyway,” I said.
“Well, that’s good.” He made to turn away and I blurted out the first thing that popped into my mind, which was the wrong thing when you just broke up with somebody.
“You want to get something to eat later?”
“Can’t. I’m meeting Daniel and Jeb.”
“Okay.” I tried not to sound as dejected as I felt. He was free to hang out with his friends. “I just wasn’t sure where we stood, you know, after last night.”
“I’m trying to back off. It’s what you wanted, isn’t it? Some space.” His green eyes were hard with challenge, his expression one that said, “You asked for it.”
“I guess.” Is it what I wanted? Right now all I wanted was to throw my arms around his neck and put my mouth on his. He stood with his hands firmly at his sides and mine were nestled in the pockets on my dress. He sighed, looking anywhere but at me.
“I’ll see you later,” he said.
“Yeah, see you later.”
For the second time in as many days, I watched him walk away from me and tried to tell myself it’s what I wanted. It was for the best. Maybe not for me, but for him.
Twenty-One
I ran into Quinn after I left the shop and we decided to walk over to the taco bar and get dinner. It was Friday, and while I would usually do something with Noah, I found myself frustratingly free. Chips and salsa helped, and I was on my second refill of fresh-squeezed lemonade.
We sat at a blue picnic table, the umbrella over our heads doing little to keep the setting sun from beating down on my back. Late September and it was still warm and muggy. The waitress had just exchanged our order number marker for two fish taco plates. As we dug in, I asked Quinn, “Is it serious with you and Daniel?”
Quinn eyed me over her tortilla. Her hair was pulled away from her face and her violet eyes regarded me with open speculation. Quinn’s beauty was understated and tended to grow on you the longer you knew her. No one feature stood out, if you didn’t count the hair. They simply blended together to create a face that was stare worthy.
“Daniel is convenient,” she said, then took a bite.
“That doesn’t sound very romantic.” I’d eaten so many chips I was starting to feel sic
k. A lot of girls ate ice cream when they were having boy trouble. I ate chips. Baskets of them. But then it wasn’t really boy trouble I was having. I was confused. I was in the midst of serious boy confusion. And Quinn and Daniel’s relationship came across to me as easy and comfortable instead of the label of “epic” I was starting to put on mine and Noah’s relationship.
“Don’t get me wrong. I love him. But there’s love and then there’s love,” she said, her eyes bright with meaning.
“I’m not sure I know the difference.” Was there anything less than an all encompassing, all consuming type of love? Noah was my first, so I had nothing to compare it too.
“I think you do. Daniel’s never looked at me the way I see Noah looking at you when you’re not paying attention. And I’m pretty sure I’ve never looked at Daniel the way you look at Noah.” A note of jealousy tinged her voice. And her observation hadn’t helped one bit. If anything it made my point.
“We broke up,” I said, and God, it made my heart hurt. Literally ache.
“You broke up with Noah?”
“You heard him at my Soulfast, Quinn.” He said always. He offered to die for me.
“Yeah,” she said somewhat cautiously. “That vow was intense. Noah can be intense. He’s one of those all or nothing kind of guys. There’s a certain amount of pressure associated with that,” she said, voicing some of my similar thoughts.
“So, I’m right to freak out a little over how fast this has progressed?”
She sighed dreamily. “I’m pretty sure I’d do anything for a guy that dedicated to me.”
“You’re not helping,” I said.
“Well, then how’s the sex?”
“Intense,” I sighed heavily.
“Well, you should go talk to him. He looks pretty lonely.” She saluted her sweet tea toward the deck of Shady’s above us. It was a back porch style bar that overlooked the gulf. They usually had a band on Friday nights and it sounded like the crowd was building in anticipation.
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