“He’s a good guy,” said Henry, taking out his house keys.
Jaguar nodded, feeling distracted by the evening. Sophia hadn’t eaten much. She hadn’t even finished dessert, but when it was time for bed, she’d tugged on his hand and asked him tuck her in. Then she’d gotten a story book out of the bookshelf and brought it to him. Amanda had climbed onto her bed and the two of them had listened to Jaguar read, until they were both nodding toward sleep.
Jaguar thought of it now. Such a simple thing to do, but he’d enjoyed it. He wanted to see some spark of life in Sophia, some of the mischief her cousins had, but he’d take what she’d given him, the shared moment in the fort.
Henry pushed open the door, stepping inside, and Jaguar followed him. “Did you talk to Pam about Sophia staying here?”
“Yeah, but she wasn’t really receptive to it.”
“Why?” Henry turned to face him. “What the hell does that mean?”
Jaguar glanced up in surprise as he closed the door at his back. He hadn’t heard this combative tone in Henry since his mother died. “Why? Because she thinks it’s too soon. Sophia’s only known me for a few weeks.”
“You’re her father. There’s no denying that.”
“No one’s trying to deny it, but I haven’t exactly been in Sophia’s life the last five years.”
“You’re in it now. Isn’t this the same woman who threatened to put her in foster care?’
“She didn’t mean it, Pops.”
“She said it. You can use that against her in court. She’s the aunt. You’re the father. You have more right to your daughter than she does. Why don’t you take some of that damn money you’re always talking about and use it on a lawyer?”
“I’m not taking Pam to court.” He gave his father a bewildered look. Where was this coming from all of a sudden? They were standing in the middle of the living room, arguing about what he should do regarding custody. Henry had just met Sophia tonight. What the hell had brought this on?
“This is so like you. You just give up whenever it gets hard.”
“I’m not giving up, but she has a point. Sophia’s been through a lot. She needs some time to adjust to everything. Besides, she’s also right when she says she doesn’t know if I’m going to be around.”
“What does that mean? You’re going to cut out on your responsibilities?”
“I’m not cutting out, but if we go on tour, I’ll be gone for months.”
Henry went still. “Tour? What do you mean tour?”
“If this record sells as well as Hifler thinks it will, he wants to set up a tour to Japan, then one for the states. It’ll mean months of travel with very little down time.”
Henry took a step closer to him, punctuating his words with his finger. “You have a daughter now!”
“You think I don’t know that.”
“Do you? Do you really understand that? Being a father isn’t something you can half-ass, Jerome. Being a father means you dedicate your life to that person!”
Rage spiked in Jaguar. Henry Jarvis was lecturing him on what it meant to be a father. He laughed in disbelief. “You’re telling me how to be a father! You?”
Henry reared back from him, his expression going stark, but Jaguar was too furious to see the look on his face.
“I can’t believe you! You think you have any right to tell me how to be a father! You! You were never there. You never gave a damn. The only thing I got from you was ridicule and that was only when you weren’t ignoring me.” Jaguar made a slashing motion with his hand. “Don’t you ever tell me how to act like a father, Pops, when you never were one yourself!”
He whirled and stormed to the door, yanking it open, then he stepped outside and slammed the door at his back. But once outside he didn’t know where to go. He didn’t have keys for Henry’s car and Hakim had the Mercedes. He stalked down the walkway to the street and started walking. He had no idea where he wanted to go. He just knew he had to get away.
If he had a car, he’d go to a bar and drink. He could call Hakim and tell him to pick him up, but that wasn’t fair. Hakim needed time off. He could call Tate and see if he’d go out drinking, but he’d monopolized Tate all day.
He found himself wandering toward the pond and the bench where his mother had sat so many times. He slumped onto it, suddenly tired, and stared over the lake. The ducks were small mounds sleeping in the grass on the edge of the water. A few meandered idly around the lake itself, the ripples of their feet reflecting back in the starlight. He could smell the redwood trees and hear the soft lapping of the water against the shore.
He drew a deep breath and held it, then he slowly released it, trying to calm himself. He hadn’t gotten this angry in a long time and he didn’t like it. As he cooled down, he felt guilty for what he’d said to his father.
Henry hadn’t been a good parent, but that didn’t mean he deserved to be told so to his face. Jaguar’s mother had always told him Henry was a good man, a hard man, but a good man. He did his best by them and that was more than a lot of men could say. He’d never understood how she could defend her husband, but she’d never wavered in her devotion.
And when she got sick, Henry had repaid that loyalty. It must have been hard to watch the woman he loved waste away, forgetting even her husband on bad days. Jaguar knew how devastated he’d been when she forgot him.
He scrubbed his hands over his face. Damn it, he should just go back to LA and forget all of this.
He blinked in surprise when a man appeared walking around the other side of the lake with a little dog on a leash. The man spotted him and headed in his direction. Something about the way he moved in the gathering darkness seemed familiar.
As he got closer, Jaguar recognized Jim Dawson, his old English teacher. Jim held up a hand and angled away from the lake, coming toward him. Jaguar held up a hand in return, eying the silly little dog, a tiny black poodle with a puffball on top of its head, adorned with a pink bow.
“Hey, Mr. Dawson, what are you doing out here?”
Jim Dawson took a seat on the bench beside him. The little dog sidled toward Jaguar, sniffing at his sneaker. “Just walking Brutus here. I walk him every night before bed.”
“I didn’t know you lived in this community.”
Dawson made a grunt. “I didn’t want my house getting egged.”
Jaguar laughed, reaching down to let Brutus sniff his hand. “Brutus, huh? You know that’s ridiculous, right?”
Dawson scratched at his beard. “The name fits the personality. You should know that, boy.”
Jaguar gave a nod and leaned back. “I guess so.”
Dawson picked up the pup and settled him on his lap.
“Why the pink bow?” Jaguar said.
Dawson frowned at him. “Irony. If you’d ever studied, you might have learned it.”
Jaguar gave a grunt of amusement.
“What are you doing out here?”
Jaguar jogged his leg up and down. Damn, he could go for a fat joint right now. It would mellow him right out. “Pops and I had a squabble.”
“Huh,” said Dawson. “About what?”
“Sophia.”
“Your daughter?”
“Right. He thinks I should take Pam to court for custody.”
“I see. You disagree?”
“I disagree. I might be going back on the road for a tour and I don’t know how long I’ll be gone.”
“And he doesn’t approve of that?”
“He doesn’t approve of anything I do.”
Dawson digested that, stroking a hand over Brutus’ head. “I think that’s a bit harsh.”
“Yeah, well, you try living with him for eighteen years. When he wasn’t ignoring me, he was shouting at me, telling me what a loser I was.”
Dawson was quiet for a while, then he cleared his throat. “Minnie and I couldn’t have kids. We tried for a long time.”
“I’m sorry.”
Dawson nodded in acceptance. “It wasn�
�t as hard for me as it was for Minnie. I had the kids I taught, but she didn’t have that.”
Jaguar studied the man’s profile in the darkness. It felt a little strange to be talking about such intimate things with his past teacher, but Jaguar was a grown man now.
“Thing is I was always a little relieved we didn’t have kids.”
“Why?”
Dawson looked over at him, his big hand stroking the tiny dog’s head. Brutus half-closed his eyes in pleasure. “I didn’t want to screw them up and I was afraid I would.”
Jaguar frowned.
“But the truth is, you’re going screw them up, no matter what you do or how hard you try.”
Jaguar gave a surprised laugh. “That’s great comfort, Mr. Dawson.”
Dawson chuckled as well. “I just mean, you’re gonna make mistakes. You’re gonna do things wrong, read situations wrong, over-react. You might even push your kid away without really knowing why.”
“You know why you’re pushing them away. You hate them.”
Dawson clicked his tongue in displeasure. “You’re not a child anymore, Jerome. You know that’s a load of horse shit.”
“I’ve never heard you swear before.”
“Well, get over it. You’re almost thirty. You can handle some profanity.”
“Not from my teacher,” he said wryly.
Dawson chuckled again. “Your father doesn’t hate you and you know it.”
Jaguar shook his head. “I’m not sure I do, Mr. Dawson. I mean, I want to believe you, but the way he looks at me and the things he says – nothing I’ve done has ever been good enough.”
“You think maybe he was trying to prepare you for the brutality of the world outside. You think he didn’t see a sensitive kid and worry he wasn’t tough enough to handle what was going to be thrown at him. And then that kid was an artist, a musician. Well, we chew up artists and spit them out in this world, Jerome. We consume them.”
Jaguar hadn’t thought of it that way, but it made sense, considering Anaconda was facing obscurity after less than a decade in the spotlight.
“Maybe Henry didn’t handle the situation right, but maybe he didn’t know any other way. And maybe you should realize that he’s hurting right now and you’re all he’s got. Maybe you should realize he’s afraid he’s done so much damage to you that you’re going to walk away. Maybe he’s afraid he’s going to lose you.”
Jaguar watched the moonlight on the lake and thought about Jim Dawson’s words. They made sense. He’d considered walking away and never looking back. He returned to Sequoia all these years because of his mother, but she was gone. There was very little holding him to Sequoia now and Henry knew it.
He rubbed his temple with a hand. “God, I miss my mother.”
Jim Dawson nodded. “I know you do, son. I know you do,” he said.
CHAPTER 15
Jaguar and Henry avoided each other for the next week. Jaguar wanted to talk to him, but every time he tried, Henry hurried from the room or shut a door or left, driving off in the car. After a while, Jaguar gave up. It wasn’t like this incarnation of their relationship was any different than the rest had been.
Coming into the living room, he found Henry watching a game show in his recliner. Jaguar had the open house at Sophia’s school to attend. He was going to meet her teacher, see the school, and act like a parent. Pam actually wanted him on the paperwork, so they’d call him too if there was an emergency. Such a simple thing, being an emergency contact, but it solidified his role in Sophia’s life. It made it permanent.
“Can I take the car?” he asked his father, speaking to him for the first time since their fight.
Henry looked up at him, his eyes distant, then he blinked and looked him over. Jaguar had opted for a collared shirt and jacket, and jeans without holes. He’d even removed some of his piercings. It was time to grow up, he figured.
“Sure.”
“I won’t be late.”
“Where’s Hakim?”
“He has the day off.”
Henry nodded and reached into his pocket for the keys, tossing them to Jaguar. Jaguar expected a don’t wreck it, but Henry just went back to watching television. Jaguar walked to the door and left.
Driving out of the gate, Jaguar realized Sophia was going to the same grade school he’d went to as a child. Better yet, it was only a few blocks from the house Pam had. The kids would be able to walk to school.
He pulled up next to Pam as she was getting all of the kids out of her minivan. Amanda spotted him and ran over as he climbed out, tugging on his hand.
“I’m going to be in first grade, Uncle Jaguar,” she said.
He blinked at her, stunned, then gave Pam a surprised look. “Uncle?” he mouthed.
Pam smiled. “We had a little talk about your relationship to the family. I hope it’s okay.”
He smiled back. “Yeah, it is.” He swung Amanda’s hand. “I can’t wait to see your classroom.”
The boys gamboled around them as they headed toward the building and Sophia walked beside Pam, holding her hand, but she looked over her shoulder at Jaguar. As soon as they neared the school and the crowd of kids, Sophia took his free hand in hers and pulled him up beside her aunt.
“We’re gonna find our classes,” said Jasper.
“Stay together,” warned Pam, but they’d already darted off.
“Let’s go to first grade, Mama,” said Amanda, skipping next to him. “First grade’s this way. We don’t have the baby yard anymore.”
Pam gave her daughter a stern look. “We’ll go there next. Right now, we’re going to Sophia’s class first.”
Jaguar looked around at all of the parents. Most were dressed conservatively, their hair tamed, and if they had tattoos, he couldn’t see them. For the most part, only the women had earrings in their ears. He wanted to fidget, but he forced himself to look straight ahead and not panic.
They came to a door with a blue bear on it that said Kindergarten across its tummy. The room inside had miniature tables and chairs, bookcases choked with bright colored books, and areas set off with primary colored floor tiles that held toys of every variety. Across the upper walls were placards with the alphabet and numbers printed on them, and every bulletin board sported pictures of cartoon animals, saying a word like window, door, or wall.
The room was filled with parents and children. Sophia pressed against his leg, turning her face into him. He put his hand on her back and stroked her hair. He could feel her trembling. A young woman with long, straight black hair approached them. She wore a floral print dress with a white sweater. She had large, almond-shaped eyes that were almost black and flawless brown skin. Her features were stunning and her full mouth lifted in a smile. Jaguar immediately noticed the tiny nose ring she sported and he relaxed.
She held out her hand first to Pam. “I’m Miss Adowani, but the kids just call me Miss A.”
Jaguar and Pam exchanged a look, then Pam shook her hand. “I’m Pam Rosen, Sophia’s aunt.” She touched the top of Sophia’s head. “Are you related to Hakim Adowani?”
She laughed, a pleasant sound, and Jaguar found himself entranced. “He’s my older brother.” She turned those dark eyes on him and her smile brightened. Her teeth were white and straight, accentuated by her red lips, and earrings dangled from her ears, brushing against the strands of her hair. She offered him her hand. “I would recognize you anywhere. My brother speaks highly of you, Mr. Jarvis. We are very grateful for the job you’ve given him.”
Jaguar accepted her hand, feeling a jolt of attraction unlike any he’d felt in a long time. “Please, as I told Hakim, just call me Jaguar.”
She nodded, then squatted down to Sophia’s level. “And you must be Sophia.”
Sophia pressed her forehead against Jaguar’s hip.
“I think you’ll like kindergarten. We’ll learn our alphabet and numbers and how to write our name. Sophia’s such a lovely name. Can I show you where your desk is?”
Amanda tugged on Pam’s arm. “Let’s go see first grade, Mama. I wanna meet my teacher.”
Pam gave Jaguar an anxious look.
“Go ahead,” he told her. “We’ll catch up.”
Miss A rose and smiled at her. “It was nice to meet you, Mrs. Rosen.”
“Same here. I’ll talk to you soon,” she said, then she let Amanda drag her out of the room.
Miss A held out her hand, but Sophia pressed closer to Jaguar. Miss A gently took her little hand and drew her away, pointing across the room. “This is your desk, Sophia.” She guided her to a tiny desk with a name tag taped to the surface. It read Sophia and a bunch of butterflies encircled the letters. Jaguar stopped, his heart kicking against his ribs. Why had the teacher chosen butterflies? When he looked at the other nametags, he saw puppies and kittens and fuzzy yellow ducklings.
Sophia looked back at him, her little face distressed. He moved to her side and pulled out the chair.
“Take a seat, baby girl,” he said, kneeling next to her. He ran his fingers over the nametag. “This says Sophia. It’s pretty, isn’t it?”
“I like the butterflies,” she said softly.
Miss A smiled at her. “Butterflies are lovely, aren’t they?”
Jaguar looked into the desk. “Look at this – a new box of crayons, pencils, and paper.”
Sophia peered into the desk, then she smiled at him. “You forgot the eraser.”
He ducked down and looked again. “I did. It was hiding from me.”
Sophia giggled and Jaguar realized it was such a wonderful sound. He kissed her temple, drawing a smile from Miss A.
A little girl with curling black hair, dark skin, and enormous brown eyes approached them, her parents watching just a few steps away. Jaguar smiled at them as the girl tugged on her dress and swayed side to side.
“I’m Dharia,” she said. “Wanna look at books.”
Sophia’s blue eyes rose to his face. He gave her a nod of encouragement. She climbed out of the desk and followed the other girl over to the books where they took a seat on the floor. Jaguar and Miss A watched them, then the teacher turned to him.
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