“We did everything that we could--” Jerry starts to give me an excuse, but I’m not having it.
“Don’t fucking lie to me.” I’m so angry I’m shaking. I pound both of my fists on the table as my voice cracks. They knew, and did nothing. My heart beats too hard, my blood rushes too fast. “Why wasn't she good enough?” I feel my heart twist in my chest. Would Melissa have been good enough? Would they have saved her? Tears leak from my eyes as multiple people start talking over one another to justify their actions. This happens. Sacrifices are made. I know this. But it's not okay.
I stare into Harrison's eyes as I inform him, “She had a son.” I don't bother wiping the tears off my face. I'm too far gone for this. “What if it had been your mother? Or your sister?” I yell out my questions so loud it makes my throat sore. I see Jerry reaching out for me from the corner of my eye. I stand up from the table and my chair falls back. I almost stumble over it, just trying to get out of the room.
She was a person. She was a victim. She was worth saving.
I would have saved her. I would have risked everything to save her.
“You don’t understand. We couldn't risk the entire operation,” Harrison calls out to me as I turn my back on him and leave. I can faintly hear the other officers, but I don’t listen to what they’re saying. I don’t make it to my office. I turn the corner and crouch to the ground. Sobs tear through my chest and I know they can hear me, but I don’t care. I have to purge this sickness that’s taken over my body. I feel lightheaded and nauseated.
I would do anything to go back and save her.
I can’t do this. I shake my head as my face heats and my hands tremble. It’s too much. I’ve failed my sister, but I’m just not strong enough to handle this.
I brush away the tears with the back of my hand and slowly stand, resting against the wall.
I’ll find another way. I can’t chase ghosts anymore.
Tonya
I look around my apartment, and it’s almost pathetic how little there is to pack up. I don’t know how I didn’t notice. I look down at the open box next to my bookshelf. It's full of all my favorite romance novels. I used to love reading. From Fifty Shades and BB Hamel to Riley Rollins’ Bad Boys and Marci Fawn's Mafia men. I huff a laugh, but it's humorless and pains my chest. I only read books with happily ever afters, but this is real life, and there's no guaranteed HEA for me.
I didn't take a single book out the entire time I've been here. I used to read every night. It's been so long. It was my stress relief. I could get lost in a book and forget the world around me. A woman with a book never goes to bed alone. But I've been alone every night and I never sought out the comfort. I never tried to get lost in a different world. Maybe a part of me was just punishing myself, like I deserved to be alone and without any happiness.
I should call my mom to let her know I’m headed home, but I don’t want to. The last time I called her she picked a fight. She likes to throw the fact that I used to party in my face. She likes to blame Melissa getting taken on me. She twists it around in such a sick way that I can see her logic. And I can’t take that shit right now.
I pull my hair up and into a ponytail. It’s just habit now. I hardly ever used to wear my hair up, but it’s nice to get it away from my face. I’ll have to think of something else though, I want as few reminders as possible. I want everything about these last few months to just disappear. It hurts too much.
I feel like a failure on so many levels. I know my sister wouldn’t think that, or at least she wouldn’t tell me that I failed her. My chest hurts just thinking about how she would try to console me if she knew how much I was hurting for her.
I’m not sure this pain will ever go away. I’m ready to deal with it, though. I have to. With no one to blame and no one to chase, all I have are memories flooding my thoughts. I lick my dry lips and take a seat on a box. I don’t know what’s in it, and I don’t care. I just need to sit down. I’ve wasted too much time and energy searching for revenge. Harrison is right about one thing at least. There’s always going to be someone like Petrov.
My heart pangs in my chest. I still don’t know for sure. Tommy could’ve told me. I think if I’d asked him, he would’ve told me. I’ve thought that before though, and I was wrong. But something about our last time together makes me think...I close my eyes and stop that train of thought. I can’t possibly think that.
Love isn’t something I’m used to feeling. Not for a man. But the way he held me, the way he soothed every pain. My hands cover my face and I hunch over, sobs wracking my body. I'm such an idiot. What kind of person falls for a man like him? I'm a cop, for Chrissake! Or was a cop. I could've been killed. That's all I could think when I heard his brother's voice. They're going to kill us. The reality slapped me across the face.
But what if it was love?
The thought strikes my heart and causes a lump to grow in my throat. I try to stand, but a wave of lightheadedness and nausea make me slowly lower myself to the floor in a crouched stance. I balance myself on the balls of my feet for a moment. Once I think I can stand, I slowly rise, but the nausea hits again and I sprint to the bathroom.
I dry-heave into the toilet and it fucking hurts.
I turn and sit on the tiled floor with my back against the cabinet. My face feels hot and I close my eyes. I'm so tired and feel so sick. It's almost as if I'm pregnant.
My eyes pop open at the thought, and my heart refuses to beat in my chest. Pregnant. Fuck! I frantically try to remember the day. It's the end of the month. Fuck! Fuck!
I don't remember the last time I got my shot. I get one every three months. I've lost track of time, but I know I get them at the beginning of the month. I went a full month without birth control. How could I be so fucking stupid?
Fuck, no fucking way. I put my hand to my forehead as if I'd be able to tell I had a pregnancy temperature. Fuck! We've only been fooling around for a few weeks.
It only takes once.
Panic sets in and I storm through my apartment, picking up boxes until I get to a small one marked bathroom supplies. It was still half packed up until today, when I tossed the rest of the contents back in. I dig through it and find an old pregnancy test. The kind with a + sign for positive. It's not in a box so I look on the thick foil surrounding it for an expiration date, but I don't see one anywhere.
My skin heats and anxiety runs through me. I can't be pregnant. I can't.
I rip it open and leave the foil on the floor as I dart to the bathroom.
I’ve never been shy or anxious about peeing before, but it takes way too long for me to get a stream going, probably because I'm so nervous. Finally, my bodily functions obey and I put the stick under the stream for what seems like a long enough time and then slip the cap back on. I wipe it off with some toilet paper and set it down on the sink to wait, but I don’t have to.
As the liquid runs through the window, I can already see it. Positive.
A faint + sign shows up almost immediately.
I stare at it without breathing.
I can’t believe it. I’m pregnant.
Nausea and lightheadedness hit me at once, as if my body wants to confirm what the test is saying. I fall off the toilet and turn to hug the bowl as the sickness comes up. My skin flushes with heat, followed by chills as I wipe my mouth and try to sit up.
I’m pregnant.
I never planned for this. I never even considered children or a life where I settled down. I just didn’t think it was for me. That kind of life was for my sister.
My hand hesitantly touches my belly, and tears well in my eyes. She would have loved to have a baby. But not with a man like Tommy.
I stand at the sink and turn on the water to gargle it and try to feel better.
I can’t be far along. The thought enters my mind quickly, that I could leave and he’d never know. He’d most likely never find out. Even if he did, he’s not the type of man who’d want a child. Right? If he found me, if he ever thou
ght to look for me and found me with his child, I don't know what he'd do.
The thought makes my chest hurt even more. I'm bringing a child into this world and I don't even know if the man I think I love would want either of us.
I've felt strong my entire life. But right now, all I feel is weak.
I slowly stand and try to calm my breathing.
I can't just leave. I have to tell him.
If he doesn't want this baby, I'll leave and never come back. But if he does...I pause my steps and lean against the wall. If he does, I don't know what I'll do. I can't stay. I doubt he'd ever leave his familia. As if they'd give him a choice. I close my eyes and shake my head as I walk to the bed, gripping the locket in my hand. I lie back and try to think of what my sister would do. I know what she'd do. She'd tell him she was pregnant. And she'd move on with her life, loving her child. She may have never seen herself as strong. But she was. She was so fucking strong for always doing the right thing and sticking to what she believed in.
“I need you.” My fingers slowly scroll over the locket's tiny engravings. “I need you right now.” I whisper my words in a pained voice as tears slowly roll down my cheeks.
Do the right thing. That's what she'd tell me. She'd smile. She'd make sure this baby was born into a life surrounded by nothing but love.
And I will, too. I won't settle for anything else. I wipe the tears away and get my shit together. I breathe in with a long inhalation, and breathe out just as long.
Holy fuck, I'm really pregnant. An hour ago I felt like I had nothing, and no one. And now, everything has changed.
Tonya
The walk up to Tommy's apartment is difficult. Every step toward him brings me closer to knowing whether or not he'll want me and this baby. My hand settles on my tummy as I get to the first landing and continue walking up the stairs. The outcome is most likely going to kill a piece of my soul. He can't be with me, and a man like him doesn't want to settle down with a baby. But it's the right thing to tell him. So I have to do this.
With my resolve firm, I brace myself to walk up to his door, but when I look up, my heart freezes in my chest. Vincent Valetti stares back at me with a look of contempt.
I push down all the emotions I'm feeling and school my face. My heart pounds in my chest with fear. I can't die now. Now when I have this life to protect.
“Officer Kelly.” Vince speaks with a hard voice and an even harder expression.
“Miss Kelly, now,” I respond without backing down from his stare. He may be the Don, and he can definitely hurt me, but I know better than to show weakness to men like him.
“Oh, I see. Did you think that'd make it alright for you to cuddle up to my men?” he asks.
The way he says it makes me want to knee this prick in his groin. I may not be in a committed relationship, but I'm not a whore. And what he's implying pisses me off.
“No, I didn't. And if my slut memory is correct, I've only been fucking Tommy, so you can shove that bullshit right back up your ass.”
He narrows his eyes and grinds his teeth. He's looking at me like he's not sure what to do with me. After a long moment of neither of us backing down he says, “I didn't mean to offend you.”
“Yes you did,” I'm quick to answer.
He grins at me with a twinkle of delight in his eyes and agrees, ”You're right. But I'm generally not fond of cops. Please accept my apology.”
My eyes finally break away from his and I feel like I can breathe. I nod and swallow thickly, looking at Tommy's door.
“You're here to see Tommy, then? You quit to be with him?” he asks.
I shake my head. “No, I quit because I never should have been a cop.”
“You don't think you have what it takes?” he assumes.
“No, I think I'd be a great cop if I had the determination for it. If I had the heart for it. But I don't. I joined for the wrong reason.”
“What reason is that?” He tilts his head as if he's sizing me up. He's going to judge me, just like everyone else. I don't give a fuck, though. They can all judge me if they like, but I'm not going to change for them.
“Because my sister was taken by Petrov. I wanted to find him; I wanted to kill him.”
“So you wanted to know about Petrov?” he asks, and I know exactly what he's thinking. He thinks I was trying to get information out of Tommy. He thinks that's why I was with him. That may have been the reason in the beginning, but that's not why I slept with him. And I hate that Vincent thinks that.
“Yeah,” I answer him, not willing to elaborate.
“And now you've quit?”
“Yes.” He looks at Tommy's door with a pissed-off look. He thinks Tommy told me. I can't let him think that. I don't want Tommy to get shit for it, and I won't have to lie anyway.
“He never told me. Even after we were together and everything happened between us. He never told me, but I think he's dead.” Between us. My walls go down and I have to work real fucking hard not to break down. Maybe it was one-sided, and I just imagined him feeling anything toward me.
“So you think he's dead, so you quit.” Although it's not a question, I know he's asking.
“No. I've had a hunch he's been dead for awhile now. I quit because I realized revenge wasn't the answer. There's always going to be someone to fight. I'm not the person to do it. I need to find another way.”
“Another way to do what?” he asks.
“To let go.” Tears prick at my eyes and I feel so fucking weak. I try to keep my composure and walk closer to Tommy's door. “I just need to tell him something.”
“What do you have to tell him? I'd be happy to relay the message.” He takes a step closer to me, and I instantly take a step back. I don't feel the same sense of security with him as I do with Tommy. I don't think I've ever felt that way about anyone before.
“Tell me,” he says, but I can't.
“I--I can’t.” I’ve never spoken to Vincent Valetti before today. And I have no idea what kind of man he is, or what all he knows about us.
“Is it about police matters, or personal?” he asks.
I stare at the door, not knowing how to answer that. I don't want Tommy to get hurt.
“That’s what I thought. You know that’s not smart, right? A cop, and a man like Tommy?” He shakes his head before continuing. “It's over now, isn't it?”
“I came to tell him something before I leave.” A part of me just wants to tell Vincent so I can leave and avoid the rejection I feel coming.
“Good. It’s a good thing you’re leaving. It’s for the best.”
I look back at him, not sure how to respond. It fucking hurts. All of this is really none of his goddamn business.
He presses his lips into a straight line and then he asks, “You tell anyone about this little arrangement you had with Tommy?”
“No. It’s over, so it doesn’t matter.” The words come out hard, but I stand my ground and maintain eye contact.
Vince rocks on his heels and looks to the left. “Good. So what do you have to tell him?”
“Something that’s none of your concern.” He narrows his eyes, but I don’t care.
“Tommy’s in a bit of hot water right now, sweetie, so you might want to be a little bit more forthcoming.” The way he says it makes my heart stop. I don't want Tommy to get hurt because of me. My mother's words ring in my head, it's all because of you.
“I’m pregnant.” The words fall from my mouth, and his eyes widen in surprise as he looks at my stomach. I feel the need to explain, so I blurt out, “It’s early. I can’t be any more than a few weeks along.”
“So it’s been going on for a few weeks, huh?” he asks.
“About that, yeah.” I answer him and he nods his head. His eyes stay pinned on me, like he can read my thoughts. He’s judging me. And along with me, Tommy.
“Are you sure it’s his?” he asks me with an odd expression.
“I don’t fuck around.” I bite out the words with a little
anger and instantly regret it. He hardens his expression and stares back at me. “Yes,” I say.
“Why?” he asks me, without any indication of what he’s referring to.
“Why what?” I look at him with confusion. Surely he isn’t expecting me to tell him why women get pregnant. In my case it’s because I’m a fucking idiot who got lost in a man’s touch and wasn’t thinking straight.
“Why’d you go after him?” he asks me.
“I didn’t. It just happened. We didn’t mean for this to happen.” It strikes me that Tommy may be in deep shit. Really deep shit. “He tried to end it, more than once.” I breathe in deep, remembering how he left me, how he never showed and sent me a text. Each time he tried to break things off I knew it was for the best, but it still hurt.
His brows raise in humor. “So he was that good, huh?” He huffs a small laugh and I give him a sad smile in return. That’s all I can offer.
Vince puts a hand on my back and hesitantly gives me a pat as he says, “It’ll be alright. I’ll have him call you.” His comfort is awkward, like he doesn’t want me to cry, but he doesn’t know what to do to make me stop.
“He’s gonna be okay, right?” I ask him, before turning to walk away.
His eyes narrow, and I shake my head and wish I hadn’t said anything. “I shouldn’t ask questions. I take it back.” He looks at me for a long time and I just want to hide.
“My wife didn’t learn as fast as you. She’s got a real problem with being nosy.”
I look at him with a bit of worry.
“You know she tried to kill me once?” My mouth falls open in a little shock and I’m not sure what to say. “It was a horrible effort, really. But I’m just saying, shit can start out rough and end up alright.”
I stare back at him, speechless.
He smiles at me as he says, “Everything’s gonna be alright. I trust you’ll see that soon.”
Tonya
I'm still shaken up as I park my car. It's different to say I’m pregnant out loud. It makes me feel more vulnerable than I ever have before. It almost hurts, admitting the insecurity that I may be on my own and Tommy may truly want nothing to do with either myself or our baby. I take a look at my apartment building and I have to squint. Something's different. My heart pounds in my chest. The light, it's too dark. My breathing halts as I realize the street light is broken. Something's wrong. No, I'm just freaking out. It's okay. It's just a light. I tell myself that over and over as my eyes dart from my left to my right.
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