by Max Walker
Kisses were a different thing, though. It was always the time and place for a kiss, even if a family was walking through the aisles of toys collected from The Great Depression, most likely headed toward the very room they were in.
They kissed again. Lips found it hard to separate, but parted for their tongues. Another low moan from Crow, swallowed greedily by Ethan, right before they separated again. And just in time, too. The family, who seemed to be a little less impressed by the displays than the boys, walked through the door, surprised at bumping into two other people.
“Oh,” the mom said, a quaint little thing with a white shirt and a ruffled pink skirt that almost seemed to be swallowing her in reverse.
“Great museum, huh?” Crow said, smiling toward the family. Ethan cocked his head, feeling something odd in the air. The mother wasn’t smiling back. Neither was the dad, who seemed to be pointedly looking in the other direction. Their son, who seemed to be in his early teens and much nicer than either of his parents, waved and nodded before narrowing his eyes.
Ethan realized then how close he was standing to Crow. And their faces were probably flushed, making it obvious that they weren’t admiring the trains sets.
“Let’s go look at the dolls,” the mom said, her accent placing her somewhere in the Midwest. She grabbed her son’s wrist as though he weren’t capable of steering himself out the room.
“Wait, mom, it’s Crow!”
“Who?”
“Crow! I listen to his music all the time,” the kid’s eyes were bright with recognition.
“Well, we’ll have to reconsider your choice in music,” the dad said, turning and leaving the room, seemingly expecting his family to fall in step behind him. The wife did, but the son was resisting. He pulled his hand from his mother’s hawk like grip and walked toward Crow. Ethan looked to his side, seeing Crow smiling but there was also worry in his gaze.
“Mind if I get a selfie?”
“Of course not,” Crow said. Ethan glanced at the mother, who was spewing acid from her dilated pupils. He could see her gritting her teeth. “What’s your name?” Crow asked.
“Nick,” he said, smiling from ear to ear as he pulled out his phone. Ethan noticed his bright green eyes were starting to well up with tears at the corner. “You’re literally one of my heroes. Like the top of the list. Especially your new songs. They really hit home for me.”
“Really? Thank you,” Crow said, bending down so that they could be on the same level for the photo. With a few snapped, and the phone put away, Crow placed his hands on Nick’s shoulders and looked deep into his eyes.
“Nick, you say I’m your hero, but I want you to know that you’re mine. It gets better, ok, buddy? I can see what’s going on, and it’s going to suck for a while, but you’re one strong kid. It’s so obvious to me. You’re meant for big things, and you’re going to get past this.”
“Nicholas, let’s go.”
“You got it?” Crow asked, ignoring the mother, who seemed to be getting redder and redder.
“Thank you,” Nick said, the tears overflowing and running down his cheek.
“Here, have my number. If you ever need anything or feel like things are getting too tough, give me a call.” Crow typed in his number in Nick’s cell, handing it back to him. “Or just shoot me a text, maybe I can make it out to your graduation. Give a mini-performance.”
“That would be insane.” Nick smiled, his tears rubbed away. Ethan could see the pain. It was the same kind he felt when he was a young kid, hiding deep in the closet, afraid that one wrong flick of the wrist, or one little misplaced lisp would give it all away. The house of cards built around such a fundamental lie would come tumbling down. That was way too much pressure to put on any teenager. During an age when life should be the most carefree it could, before the hands of time start striking back, reminding you that there’s no such thing as invincibility.
Too much pressure.
Crow said goodbye to Nick and they watched as he walked back, his shoulders held higher and his back straighter as he walked past his mom’s furious whispers.
“Fuck,” Ethan said when they were out of earshot. “Poor kid.”
“Broke my heart. I could see it, right off the bat. He looked so much older than he actually was, and that comes from having to hide who you are every. damn. day. And then he brought up my new songs and what they meant to him and I knew for sure that he was closeted.”
That was something Ethan had realized after maybe the second night of watching Crow perform. Before then, he had gotten so swept up in the talent and emotion filling the room, he honestly didn’t even listen to the lyrics very closely. But when he had, he realized exactly what Crow was doing. He wasn’t just singing pop songs with empty calories, meaning nothing at the end of the day except a catchy beat. Crow sang about the boy sitting across from him at the coffee shop, meeting him and rolling on the clouds afterward, a thinly veiled euphemism for romping around on pristine white sheets, sun streaming in from everywhere and lighting the scene like a dream. Crow never once sang about falling for a girl or the trappings that come with that. He was openly out and singing about it, and that gave a voice to an entirely new generation of LGBTQ kids that needed Crow like never before. In an age when bullying was as easy as typing out one-hundred and forty characters and hitting the blue ‘tweet’ button, Crow’s voice had to prove stronger. And it was. Ethan saw it in that room, in the difference between the Nick who had walked in from the Nick who had walked out.
The Nick who walked in wasn’t sure, wasn’t seeing a bright future.
The Nick who walked out was filled with hope. He saw a future where he could take his boyfriend to a weird museum and enjoy the day, his disapproving parents nowhere in sight.
15 Crow Kensworth
The experience with Nick did equal works to both lower and lift Crow’s spirits. He hated seeing the turmoil that raged inside the boy who just wanted to live without being judged, all while being able to love. Why was that so damn hard for people to understand? For family to understand? He hoped that he was able to give Nick some kind of look into what was possible for him. He wished he could do more. It hurt to know that his life wasn’t going to change in the blink of an eye. His parents were still going to be terribly close-minded and potentially heartless while he struggled to find himself.
He looked to Ethan, the man who had the sapphire blue eyes capable of hypnotizing Crow on the spot. He found comfort in those eyes. A feeling of warmth that went beyond simply physical. He felt like he was finding his way back home, after years spent sleeping in empty hotel rooms. It was difficult to describe, but Crow didn’t need to. He didn’t care about putting names to the feelings, not yet. That would come later, when he was sitting in front of his laptop, typing away the lyrics to his next song.
“You changed that kid’s life, you know?” Ethan said, his tone low as their faces drew back together. “You really are a hero.”
“You’re the one that literally saves lives.” Crow bit his lower lip.
“You do too.” Ethan pushed in, crossing the final inches between them, instantly filling Crow’s body with a flood of ecstasy. Everything felt right when he was kissing Ethan. Fuck that, it all felt more than right. This was how it was all supposed to feel. He had been writing about love for a while, but never truly understood the kind of power a connection between two people can have.
He was quickly discovering that power. He had felt it the moment he laid eyes on Ethan, and it was only growing stronger and stronger by the second. He didn’t care that Ethan still had things he was holding back on. He understood that people unraveled slowly. That was fine. As long as it was Crow he was doing the unraveling for, then everything was fucking perfect.
Crow broke the kiss for a moment, catching his breath. He looked into Ethan’s eyes, feeling his heart skip a beat. “Let’s go find somewhere less… uhh…”
“Sexual?”
Crow snorted. “Yes. Much less sexual. All t
hese train tracks are really setting me off.”
“Ah, so that’s what it was.”
“Yup,” Crow smirked, unable to stop himself from stealing one last quick kiss. “That’s all it was.”
The museum had been randomly tucked away on a residential street, so they decided to hop in the car and explore the area a little bit further. To their surprise, just a few streets down, they saw a sign advertising the Denver Museum of Nature and Science. They both read the sign and looked at each other, grinning. Ethan drove the rental through the tree-lined streets, the security guard driving behind them, following the signs for the museum. Crow lowered the window, letting the cool summer air blow in, bringing with it the fresh scent of the trees and mountains that surrounded them. Denver had such a different feel than what he was used to back in Los Angeles. Things were much less rushed, for one. But things were also greener, more colorful. Trees were bright red and green and purple. They were on the tail end of spring, early summer, so everything still felt so fresh with life.
Not to mention, Crow had the best driver around. He couldn’t help himself. He reached across the gear-shift and grabbed Ethan’s hand. He twined his fingers through Ethan’s, feeling that soft warmth rush over him, mixing with the cool breeze as he kept his gaze out toward the tall mountains in the distance.
“I lost someone,” Ethan said as the car came to a stop at a red light. The words seemed so catastrophically different compared to the idyllic town that surrounded them. Crow looked to Ethan, his eyes wide. People crossed the front of the car, carrying cute little shopping bags from the tiny shops that lined the street. None of them aware of the pain feet away from them. The pain that was clear in Ethan’s tense voice.
“Is that what you said you were running from?”
Ethan nodded. The light turned green. His eyes were pinned forward, Crow’s on Ethan.
“Adam, my husband.”
Crow felt himself give a sharp inhale, although he hadn’t even realized he needed to breath. He felt frozen. Unsure of what to say or do. He was still holding Ethan’s hand, so he squeezed tighter. He had no idea what Ethan was holding, but he could feel that it weighed him down a great deal.
“We were married for a month before he was ripped away from me. And it was my fault.”
“How?” Crow could feel emotions well up in his chest. This was not what he was expecting Ethan to talk about. He couldn’t have seen this coming from feet away.
“Car accident. He was on his way to come see me present some dumb research thing. I guilted him into coming. He was feeling sick, he wanted to stay home. I wanted my new husband around me twenty-four seven. I wanted to hold his hand while my colleagues all stood around and discussed microsurgery and cellular reconstruction. I promised I’d make him his favorite chicken soup when we got home.” Ethan shook his head. “I would have made it for him regardless. Fuck.”
“Jesus…” Crow was at a loss. He couldn’t even imagine the pain Ethan must have felt, and the scars something like that must have left. No wonder he had been so closed off. Crow wasn’t sure how he would be able to recuperate from a loss like that.
“We had just come back from our honeymoon, too. A month before the accident, we were relaxing on the beaches of Santorini. Now, I’m starting to forget his voice. How fucked up is that?”
Santorini… that must have been why he freaked out back at the rest stop.
Fuck.
Crow squeezed Ethan’s hand tighter as his heart strings thrummed harder. He saw a streak of sadness run down Ethan’s stubbled cheek. A tear’s trail. “Accident. You said it yourself, it was a terrible accident, but it wasn’t your fault in any way, shape, or form. Maybe he was going to go surprise you regardless of you pushing him to go there. You never know and you can’t hold onto that.” Crow took a deep breath and let it go. He rubbed his thumb over Ethan’s hand, the slightly rough skin feeling familiar. “When one of my close friends passed a few years ago, I noticed the voice was the first thing to go. No matter how hard I tried to hold on, it just took on a sort of airy quality. Dreamlike. But you know what? I’ll never forget Jeanie’s smile. The way she lit up a room with a simple hello. She was a force and she had such a huge heart, that’s what I won’t forget. And I know there are things about Adam that you’ll never forget either.”
Ethan nodded, a thin smile working onto his face. He pulled into a parking spot, putting the car in park. Crow’s phone buzzed in his pocket but he ignored it, this moment far too important. Ethan looked up from his hand in Crow’s, meeting Crow’s gaze. Crow felt the connection between them dig in deeper, the roots spreading out like a vast net encapsulating his entire being.
“I’m sorry for dumping this all on you now,” Ethan said. He bit his lower lip, his brows scrunching together, as though he were regretting his words.
“Are you kidding? There’s no need to apologize. None. This is what I’m here for. I want you to open up to me, I want you to share your pain with me. And your happiness. And everything damn-else in between.” Crow was smiling now, matching Ethan’s.
“I’ve just been so caught up in the pain. Guilt. I was fucked up for a while after that. Adam wasn’t only a husband, but a kind of savior for me. My dad kicked me out of the house back in high school, and Adam had begged his parents to take me in. I loved him for that.” Ethan swallowed. “I ended up loving him for so much more. Without him, I probably wouldn’t have made it to medical school. Then, once I was in, I probably wouldn’t have made it through med school without him. And then, from one day to the next, that was it. Such a bright, strong soul snuffed out. I felt like I owed him so much.”
“All he would want is for you to be happy.” Crow felt words bubble up, as though he were writing a song. They flowed through him, on the river of emotion that connected the two men. “I never met him, but I can see him through the way you speak, and it paints a picture of a kind man who was full of love and compassion. A man who wouldn’t want you to wallow in guilt and remorse longer than seconds.”
“You’re right,” Ethan sat up a little straighter. “One-hundred percent. I was doing the exact opposite of what he would want me to do, and I didn’t realize that until I stepped onto this tour bus with you. I thought I had been incapable of feeling a spark again. Castrated from ever connecting. But not with you. Everything was so easy, and I was reminded that I still have the ability to love and be loved. I just want to be happy again. And I am. You helped me find that happiness.”
Crow felt Ethan’s words plant themselves deep in his soul. He felt the air between them spark again, a precursor to another kiss that was sure to shatter their worlds. A kiss to seal their fates.
Knuckles rapped against the driver’s side window, startling both of them and causing them to jump back into their respective seats.
Who the?
16 Ethan Winter
Ethan looked out the window, surprised to see one of the security guards standing with his arms crossed, looking like an annoyed police officer busting two naughty teenagers. Ethan lowered the window, the fresh breeze carrying in through the car.
“Angela says we need to go. She said she tried calling you both but no one was answering.”
Ethan could hear Crow give a sigh next to him. Ethan’s mind immediately went to the stalker. He was slowly becoming more and more concerned with the stalker over the past few days. At first, Ethan thought that time would sort them out. Trolls get bored, the letters would stop. But now, venues were getting cancelled and Angela was moving them around ahead of schedule. Things felt off, and Ethan didn’t like that. Especially not now, when he was finally finding his happiness again. He didn’t need another threat to something he had an incredibly hard time of finding.
“Is everything ok?” Ethan asked.
The security guard nodded. “Sounds like it. She didn’t give me too much detail. Just wanted us to get back to the bus ASAP.”
“Ok, thanks for letting us know,” Ethan said. The guard left back to the bla
ck-out sedan, who had parked on the row of cars behind theirs. Crow looked worried, but not as worried as Ethan felt.
“She’s probably overreacting,” Crow said with a tired exhale. “The other day, when she kicked you out of my hotel room, I thought she was going to tell me something deathly serious with the way she looked. Instead, she talks about some lighting mix-up at the last night’s performance.”
Ethan wasn’t so sure this was an overreaction. The security guards even seemed edgy, and that wasn’t like them. His anxiety was bubbling up but he was determined not to show it. He had to keep calm, just like he would at Sierra View when he was handling a difficult case. He knew that sensing any kind of fear usually multiplied that fear tenfold.
“I guess we’ll have to come back some other time,” Crow said as Ethan pulled out of the parking lot. “Thank you for taking me to the first museum. Honestly, that was more than perfect.”
Ethan gave a chuckle. It was him who reached for Crow’s hand this time. He couldn’t remember a time when he had initiated something like that with Crow. But after opening up about Adam and getting to talk to Crow about him, things felt different. Not only was there a weight lifted, but there was a space opened. “I’m glad I was able to finally say it all. I didn’t want to feel like I was hiding something from you.”
“Not at all,” Crow said. “I understood that whatever it was, it was hard. I respected that.”
“That’s another thing about you,” Ethan said. “Your maturity level is a lot higher than what I would imagine a twenty-six-year-old pop star would have.”
“And your maturity level is exactly what I expect a thirty…”
“Three.”
“A thirty-three-year-old doctor would have.” Crow laughed, spreading it on to Ethan. They continued talking the entire drive back to the tour bus, laughing random things and joking about others.
Aside from talking, they never stopped holding hands either.