“You just come in here and molest me, you molest Clark…you seduce everyone in the Commission…because of you, my family is being torn apart…”
“It’s not because of me,” Dana shook his head. “Well…” he tilted his head to the side, “maybe a little bit. But I am not trying to drive a wedge into your family. I don’t gain anything from it, why would I?” He sighed and leaned against the table, crossing his arms. “Your mother was unhappy long before I came along. I just helped her realize it.”
“And what about my father? You don’t think he’ll find out?”
“I’m sure he will,” Dana nodded. “Don’t worry, Little Lily,” Dana smiled. “I’ll give your father all the attention he needs.”
I could not hide my cringe.
“What?” he laughed. “You don’t think your father could be interested in having sex with a man?” He shook his head. “That’s what everyone thinks.”
“You’re sick.”
“No, you are,” Dana told me shortly. “You’re completely warped away from being human, from feeling what you should be feeling. Society has told you these feelings are dangerous.”
“They are,” I snapped. “They can hurt people. They can cause you to hurt yourself. You should know, you’re always hurting people.”
“People are so sensitive,” Dana chuckled brokenly, rolling his eyes. “No, I couldn’t possibly feel attraction to that person…” he said, mimicking another voice. He turned to me seriously. “Why can’t you feel attracted to me? What’s wrong with it?”
“What’s wrong with it?” I growled. “You’re much older than me, you don’t listen when I tell you no or stop, you are completely insane—”
“Get some new material,” he groaned, rolling his eyes again, bored. “I’ve heard all this before. But that’s not the reason why you can’t feel attracted to me.”
“Oh, okay, because you know how I feel better than I do,” I snapped, angry and sarcastic.
“At this point, I believe I do,” Dana nodded. “You’re trying so hard to hide that animal inside of you that wants. It wants so many things, and you try to placate it with school, and logic, but because you are one of those special cases, that’s not enough to sate you…you want more.” He quirked an eyebrow. “Isn’t that why you love debating with me so much? Isn’t that why you react the way you do when I come close?”
“I don’t know why I react the way I do, but I can assure you that I feel no attraction to you.” Even I noticed how horrible of a lie that was.
“I’m not talking about love, Little Lily,” Dana smiled maliciously. “I’m talking about sex. Pure and simple. Nothing more.” He leaned back on his hands. “Well…go ahead. Take what you want.”
I stared, not sure what he meant.
“Why are you afraid?”
“I don’t want you,” I growled, my voice weak with uncertainty.
“Alright,” Dana sighed, standing straight. I stared at him as he started toward the door.
“Damn it, Dana, do you have any idea what it’s like to be overpowered like that? To be molested and…” My voice trailed off, not sure what words were coming out of my mouth. “Because I bet that if you knew what it was like, you would not do the things you do.”
Dana chuckled, his hand on the door knob. He hesitated for a moment and then his hand dropped to his side. He turned to me.
“Little Lily,” he smirked, “I was pulled, kicking and screaming, to a testing table, strapped down, and I had a lot more done to me than you may realize,” he told me bluntly. “I do know what it feels like, and I also know what it can create.” He placed his hand on the door knob again and opened the door. “I’m just curious what you will create out of it.”
With that, he left, closing the door behind him and disappearing down the hall.
As soon as he disappeared from sight, my legs gave out and I collapsed. The door opened and Mark came in, helping me to sit in a chair. I ended up breaking down, hiding my head in my arms on the table as I cried, Mark’s hand rubbing my shoulder, trying to comfort me.
* *** *
“Mykail…did they ever do anything sexual to you when you were being tested on?” I asked, my fingers lightly running up and down his arm as he held me.
“Well, that’s an awkward question…” he chuckled brokenly.
I looked at him seriously.
“Did they?”
“No,” Mykail shook his head. “But that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen to the other experiments…a lot of the girls suffer rape and assault when they are being tested on…the boys, too…” He closed his eyes and heaved a deep breath. “Why the sudden interest?”
“Just something Dana said…” I told him, my head settling back to his chest.
“You need to try and stay away from him,” Mykail whispered, pressing a kiss to my head. I tried to put the memory of Dana in the conference room out of my mind, but his touch had branded me, burning my skin and permanently scarring me. I was frightened to tell Mykail about it. I did not want him to worry more about me than he already did.
“He really rattled you…” Mykail said, reading the silence between us. “What did he do to you? Are you alright?”
“I’m alright,” I told him quickly. “He just…I hate him.”
“…but you find him attractive,” Mykail stated quietly.
“What?”
“You heard me,” Mykail whispered. “Everyone does.”
“I don’t understand…” I sighed, rolling my eyes and rubbing my face. “What is this power he has over everyone? What…what is it that he knows? What kind of…supernatural power can he possibly have?”
“It’s not power,” Mykail shook his head. “It’s madness. He’s completely insane, Lily. That’s all it is.”
“Generally, when someone is insane or not right in the head, you get a feeling from them… a very specific feeling…” I said. “This…it’s not the same feeling.”
“Look, no one knows what Dana went through to become what he is,” Mykail hissed. “He’s never shown any symptoms of trauma, or depression…he just is. Something shut off something in his brain. Trying to figure him out won’t solve the fact that he is dangerous and completely off his rocker.”
I took a deep breath and slowly let it out before straightening.
“Mykail, do you want to have sex with me?”
His eyes went wide and his face flushed red.
“What’s with that question?”
“I’m asking if you want to have sex with me.”
“Well…yes, but…not right now,” he said, his eyes suspicious and worried.
“Why not?”
“Lily…it’s too dangerous. Dana is more perceptive than you think, and if he didn’t find out, then your parents would find out somehow and tell him. It’s just…it’s not that I don’t want you, because I do. But I am worried about the consequences.”
“Like pregnancy?”
“Well…Dana took care of that already,” he said quietly, lowering his eyes.
“So…if I were to pin you down,” I smiled devilishly, grabbing his shoulders, turning him onto his back and straddling his waist. “You wouldn’t oppose?”
“Well…I wouldn’t necessarily, but…” He cringed, his eyes shut. “Lily, I can’t be on my back…”
I quickly let him up, realizing the large joints of his wings were pinned under his body at an awkward angle.
“Sorry…”
“You’re getting pretty daring lately,” he smiled around his cringe as he moved onto his side, his wings adjusting. “I’m sorry…I’m just worried.”
“Why?” I groaned.
He sighed heavily.
“I don’t entirely know…” he admitted. “I guess I’m a little afraid…” He grabbed me, pulling me into an embrace. “I’m sorry…”
“I’m not afraid,” I told him. “I’m not afraid of us being together. Why are you?”
Mykail took a deep breath and slowly let it out.
“Maybe…because you don’t know enough about Dana,” Mykail murmured.
“So, it’s me being stupid and ignorant,” I said, unable to keep the bite out of my voice.
“That’s not what I meant at all and you didn’t let me finish,” he said quickly. “I was also going to say, or maybe I’m just traumatized and want to take things a little slower. I don’t know…”
I sighed heavily and moved away, walking to the door.
“Lily…” he said, his voice not masking his annoyance.
“I just can’t do this right now.”
“Do what?”
“This talk, I just can’t right now,” I shook my head, turning to look at him as I carefully opened the door to his room. “I’m going to bed.”
“Lily, I’m sorry if I said something that upset you,” he said, his voice worried.
“Goodnight.”
* *** *
Friday was perfect for taking my mind off of Dana and Mykail. Clark asked me if anything was wrong, but I told him nothing was. The lie was surprisingly convincing.
I had spent a lot of time thinking over my reaction to Dana and to Mykail, and the time for self-reflection had left me frightened. Not of Dana, not of my relationship with Mykail being discovered, but fear of myself.
Dana barely had to touch me before my entire body was on fire and I lost all sense of self. And then I was able to go to Mykail the same day and push for us to have sex. I had even pinned him down and straddled him. When did that become something I could do without feeling embarrassed?
I had seen my behavior becoming bolder, but it wasn’t until after my small fight with Mykail that I came to a horrific realization.
I was bored.
Dana was unpredictable. Exciting. He always caused my mind to turn in different directions, foreign and unknown. He had an air of authority, and having that power close to me was intoxicating, all-encompassing, taking me on a high. I was bored in my relationship with Mykail. While the make-out sessions were nice and they made me feel good and safe, the element of danger with Dana caused my heart to race and adrenaline to pump through me at electric speeds. I was living on a constant adrenaline high with the revolution sitting in my mind, so Mykail’s plan to “play it safe” was boring.
As I tried to pay attention in my class, I had a long talk with myself, saying that I needed to cool it before I did something stupid.
That night at Archangel, I was able to ride the high with the other teenagers as we watched Devon and his band play on the stage.
Their music was great and it made everyone smile and dance excitedly. I stayed on the dance floor the entire night, though I did get some nasty looks from Commish Kids on the balcony. Clark made an excuse for me—I didn’t care what it was—before returning to our little group and shyly enjoying the music with everyone else.
Jill was screaming at Devon and the others of the band, acting even more enthusiastic because of her infatuation with him. My heart fell when I saw how Becca was watching the girl she liked be interested in someone else. I went to Becca and placed a hand on her shoulder.
“I love you.”
“Thank you,” Becca chuckled. “I’m alright.”
“I can always come over and we can pig out on ice cream and chocolate.” I hugged her around the shoulders. She smiled sadly and then turned to look at me. I was surprised by the pain in her eyes.
“Aren’t you too busy?”
I hesitated, startled by the hidden meaning of the statement. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out at first. I sighed and forced a smile.
“I’m sorry,” I grimaced. “I’m a horrible friend. We can find a time. I promise.”
“It’s alright,” Becca assured quietly with her own forced smile. “Besides, I told you I would help you if you needed it. Just let me know.”
“Well, I need you to be sure that you have plenty of chocolate and ice cream at your house, because one day soon, we will hang out and binge on junk food so that we can complain about how fat we are.”
When I got home late that night, I was surprised to find my mother in the kitchen, sitting at the table in her nightgown.
“Lily,” she said, startled out of her trance.
“Oh, hey, Mom,” I said, surprised to see her awake.
“You’re getting in late.”
I glanced at the clock on the stove.
“No…this is the normal time I get in…” I said, telling her the truth.
“Oh, really?” my mother asked, blinking at the clock. “I didn’t realize…..Can you come home any earlier?”
“It’s a timed bus, Mom.”
“I thought Mark was taking you and Clark to the club and bringing you home afterward,” she said, puzzled. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought she was drunk with her level of confusion.
“He was, but not tonight.” I looked her over. “Mom, are you okay?”
“Yeah,” she said. I hated that tone. It was the tone that suggested that the person was not alright, but they were not even making an effort to make it sound like a good lie.
“Where’s Dad? Asleep?”
“No,” my mother shook her head. “He’s at his office. He’s trying to finish some things up with Samantha before the Europe trip.” It took me a several long moments to remember the first name of Becca’s mother.
“Oh…”
“Don’t worry,” my mother said. “I trust your father completely.”
“I’m not worried,” I said sharply before I could think better of my tone. She turned to face me fully as I stared her down.
“What is with that tone?”
“Does Dad know?” I asked coldly. “That you’ve slept with Dana?”
My mother stood.
“What did you say?”
“You heard me.”
She was silent and still for what seemed like a very long time. I felt my skin bristle, ready for the confrontation. She was caught off-guard, and with the way her behavior had been recently, I knew this was about to turn into our first real yelling match.
“Don’t you look down your nose at me, young lady,” she growled darkly.
“How can I not?” I snarled. “When you’re cheating on Dad with the man that, a few months ago, you wanted to get as far away from as possible?” I shook my head in disbelief. “What happened to you, Mom?”
“I don’t owe you any explanation.”
“Maybe not,” I growled, angry, “but Dad didn’t deserve to be cheated on.”
“Lily,” my mother started, rolling her eyes, “you’re only seventeen. You don’t understand how it is when you get married…”
“If this is the way it is, then I won’t get married,” I snapped. “If being married means you betray the one that you agreed to love forever, until death do you part, then I never want to be married.”
“Your father stopped looking at me…” my mother hissed. “He stopped touching me, he stopped loving me. Maybe he was the one who found someone new first.”
“Did you ever think that it was you?” I snarled. “Did you ever think that maybe your obsession with the leader of the Commission might have put some distance between you two?”
“Don’t you dare pass judgment like that!”
“I have no choice, Mom!” I barked. “When I see that you wore your sexiest dress—a dress that you never wore for Dad because you were too embarrassed—to meet Dana, and I see him tie you up like an animal before fucking you on his desk—”
I didn’t have time to register the slap across my cheek before the pain spiraled through my face.
“Watch your language,” my mother snarled.
“Fuck you!” I snapped, retreating quickly to avoid another slap. “Mom, when did you forget that I’m your daughter?! When did you think that I was just another person living in your house that wouldn’t be hurt by what you’re doing?!”
“You need to back off. It has nothing to do with you!”
“The hell it doesn’t
!” I bellowed back. “You always told me that family was more important than anything! You said that we always would stick together and support one another and never hurt one another because the family was the strongest thing we had! But as soon as you get into the Commission, you just forget that!”
“I have not forgotten!” my mother snapped. “I have tried, Lily! I have tried so hard to make it so that you and your father would both be happy, regardless of how I felt or what I wanted!”
“So now it’s my fault?!” I gasped. “I was the one who made you cheat on Dad?!”
“I have always denied myself, Lily!” my mother snapped, not denying my claim. “I wanted you to be happy! I wanted your father to be happy! And now I have someone who actually cares about what I need!”
“Dana doesn’t give a shit what you need!” I growled. “All he wants is power and control over everyone in the Commission, even if he has to tear families apart to get it.”
“He’s shown me that it’s okay to be selfish and want something more for myself!” my mother yelled. “I can’t take care of you and your father when I have nothing left to give. I have a hole inside of me that has grown because I have been denying what I wanted!”
I glared at her darkly, feeling the words bubble out before I could stop them.
“Well, I’m glad Dana could fill that hole for you.”
I walked away, heading to my room angrily as my mother stormed after me.
“Don’t you dare say such things to me! I am your mother!”
“No, you’re not!” I screeched, turning to face her again. “You stopped being my mother. I will never forgive you for what you’ve done to this family!”
“I have done nothing but provide for and take care of this family, so don’t you act superior to me!”
“You’ve torn the family apart!” I snapped. “I’m telling Dad about you and Dana.”
“The hell you will!” My mother grabbed my arm as I turned to walk away. I was surprised at how much the grip hurt. I cringed and tried to move away.
“Let me go.”
“You listen to me,” she hissed. “You will not say a word to your father, do you hear me?”
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