by Darren Wills
I didn’t move. I couldn’t. Not even my lips. For now, I was gripped by an inability to respond and didn’t even want to breathe particularly. I was taking in the woman in front of me. My wife was before me, looking quite different, but still my wife. She was still beautiful, the same eyes, the same figure, but this time with hair that was streaked blonde and wearing a red cotton top and faded jeans. I wanted to take in every detail. She looked paler than I remembered and I could see uncertainty in her eyes.
Eventually, I came to life. “Laura. Where… Why?” I would have a thousand questions to ask her but those two would do for starters.
She moved purposefully towards me. “Dom, I’ve been very ill.” Her voice was different, more nasal, but this was my wife come back, so that was small potatoes.
I held her in my arms for some seconds before gently pushing her away from me. “Ill? How?”
“Well, it’s a pretty long story. I got myself hurt.”
“What? When? When you left me?”
“Not straight away, if that’s what you mean.” She looked into my eyes imploringly, but I felt as hard as tempered steel.
“Hurt?” I’d been hurt. “You left me, remember. I had no say in it. Left without a word or a good reason.”
“True, I had to leave for a while. I had what I thought were good reasons.”
“Yeah. Reasons that good that you couldn’t tell me about them.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I needed to sort my head out.”
“I never realised there was anything wrong with your head. I thought we were both happy.”
“I needed to think about the future, what I wanted from it. I needed to make sure that my head was clear for our marriage and had to have some time on my own for that.”
“And where did you go for that?”
“Manchester.”
“Manchester? Why the fuck Manchester?”
“It’s a big place and I wanted to lose myself. I thought Manchester would be good for that…I was there for a couple of weeks. I was going to come back. Then it happened.”
“What did?”
“I got mugged – near the railway station. Near Piccadilly. I think I must have fought back and he tried to strangle me. In the end, he settled for smashing my head against a wall, I was told. I woke up in hospital not knowing who I was and with no ID on me. Nothing. Not even my driving license. It was all in the purse that he took.”
“Amnesia? You’re kidding me?”
“No, Dom. I spent days not knowing anything about anything. The doctors and nurses, and the police when they visited, kept asking me things but I was useless. All I know was that I was laying in a bed not right. All In was fit for was watching television and sleeping.
“How long did this go on for?”
“Over two months. Nearly three. Eventually my memory started to come back. My voice has suffered, as you can tell, but the doctor said that might not be permanent. I hope so.”
“And the hair. Didn’t you always say blonde streaks were chavvy and desperate? Or have you forgotten that as well.”
Laura laughed, touching her head. “No. I did this before the attack. Just fancied a change, I think. I was in a strange place.”
“Are you here to stay, or have you come back to recover?”
“I want what we had, Dom. I want our happy marriage back.”
“Of course you do. Why wouldn’t you?”
I went and made myself a cup of coffee. As the kettle boiled, I turned to her. You are going to have to give me time to get up to speed. I’ve been through the ringer a bit.”
“I know and I’m sorry. If it’s any consolation, I wanted to be back here within days of my going but what happened in Manchester spoiled all that. “Some people are so evil.”
“Did they get the bastard?”
“No. And I never got my purse back either. I’ll have to apply for new cards. A kind nurse gave me ten pounds so I could get home or I would have had to beg or walk the whole way here.”
“He didn’t take your key then?”
“No. The key was in one of my pockets, so I suppose he had to rush off. Just the purse and my phone. I expect he was in a hurry. By all accounts, I was discovered pretty promptly or things might have been much worse. I could have died, Dom.”
I couldn’t say much after that. We just sat there drinking beer in an atmosphere that was far from comfortable, although we were holding hands, whatever that meant. I asked her questions and she asked me some, since her memory had not been fully restored after the attack, she said. “I need to catch up with some things. Please forgive me if I have to be told things that happened. I can’t help it.”
There was a surreal awkwardness about going to bed that night. After all the time that had elapsed, it felt like we were two people who weren’t really in a relationship anymore, two friends, perhaps, who found themselves having to bunk up after a night out in unfamiliar circumstances. It was noticeable that Laura took her nightie to the bathroom, which was something totally new. Normally, she had been comfortable stripping off in front of me. However, I didn’t give it too much thought.
The sad thing about me was I still would have had sex with her, if it had been on offer. Turned on after such a tragedy. How shallow and one-dimensional was I?
She seemed to be smiling awkwardly as she sidled into bed alongside me and kissed me on the cheek before cuddling up to me. I put my arm around her. I wasn’t sure what my feelings actually were deep down. To think that I had yearned for her return and now that it had happened, I was left in a state of numbness, wondering perhaps whether it was me now who needed to go away to think things through. At least I was going to sleep on it.
The next morning, I awoke to find myself once more in a half-empty bed. With last night’s events still surrounded by a haze, I quickly shook off the dullness I felt, springing out of bed, wanting to see Laura’s face again. The uncertainty faded. Realisation returned. Subconsciously, I was yearning for more than this, which might have been more of that male selfishness. Perhaps the reunion might have meant a passionate morning before rising, but that would have to wait.
Because of all the circumstances in this, my feelings at this point were paradoxical. I wanted to hold her in my arms, yet didn’t feel the kind of closeness that made that appropriate. The basic man in me would have got to grips with her, no problem, but the state of mind of the husband in me, more sophisticated and thoughtful, needed to be freed from doubt and resentment.
I ventured down the stairs. In the kitchen, Laura was on the laptop.
“Hi, babe. You’re up early.”
She looked at me with an appreciative smile. “I know. I need to buy a few items of clothing. You know what I’m like. I’ll need some money, babe.”
“So has your taste in clothes changed much?”
She swung the laptop round to reveal a row of tops I had seen her wearing countless times. “Hardly. I still like good clothes. I probably still like the same foods too.”
“But you didn’t fancy staying in bed today? It’s Saturday, you know.”
“Must be the attack, babe.” She got up and poured the dregs of her coffee into the sink. At least her figure hadn’t changed. Just seeing her moving across the kitchen made my stomach knot though, just like it did before. In this particular situation, however, I calmed myself by anticipating that the actual sex would have be very disappointing, either a ten-second job or a pressured impotence. There was too much emotional history here, way too much commitment. There was still that massive elephant in the room, an elephant that was seated and seemingly implacable, and until I was happy with her reasoning and story, Nelly and her trunk were going nowhere.
I looked at the empty dishes on the floor. “Have you fed August?”
“No. Where is he?”
“Is he still outside?” I went to the back door and he came boun
ding in, looking up at Laura, probably still as astounded as me that she’d returned. He went underneath one of the chairs, looking up at her. While he did that, I filled his bowl and he sidled up for breakfast in true relaxed predator-fashion.
“Have you reacquainted yourself with him?”
“I gave him a cuddle and a stroke yesterday afternoon. I think he’s forgotten me.” She was accepting this with a fatalistic expression as if it was only to be expected. It probably was.
“Well, I’m sure that will change. You know how tight you and he were.”
“Of course.”
“What are we doing today?”
“Today?”
“It’s our first day back together. Let’s do something special. I need to know you again. We need to get back on track, you know. Relaxed with each other.”
“Such as?”
“Well, we could drive out to the seaside, after we’ve visited George and Lillian. They’ll be dying to see you.”
She took hold of my hand. “I want to talk to you about this. Everything is a bit big for me, a bit immense, to tell the truth.”
“It is for them too.”
“I know. Do you mind if we leave seeing them for a few days though, while I get my bearings.”
“OK, but they will be desperate to see you. They’ll think I’m keeping you to myself.”
“You’ve not told them, have you?”
“No. I thought that was your job. That was what you said last night.”
She looked at me. “Oh yes. Oh, and Dom, the trips. Can you let me get used to being back before we go on any journeys anywhere? There are plenty of times when we can go to the seaside.”
“OK. The beach can wait, I suppose.” I sighed. I realized that normality in this house was not going to be any time soon. “But George and Lillian will still be dying to see you.”
“Let me just get comfortable today, Dom. I think I need to speak to them on the phone first anyhow. They’re old, and the shock of me turning up might not be healthy.”
“They’re not that bad.” I wasn’t going to argue the point, although both George and Lillian were good health personified. “So we just chill out here today, then.” This felt like treading water to me but she might be right. Obviously, I wasn’t going to bully Laura into hurrying to our normal relationship if she didn’t want it yet. That would have to come from her. I would try to be patient, although partly I resented the way she seemed to be controlling everything.
“Well actually, babe, I need to go out this afternoon.”
“Great. I’ll come with you.” I was doing my best to be a paragon of patience. Besides, doing some shopping together or visiting would be right on all levels.
“I need some me time, Dom. I have some shopping to do. Woman’s stuff.”
“Fair enough.”
“Can I have your bank card? Believe it or not, the number is one thing I can remember.”
She left the house early afternoon. I spent this time fiddling with things and reading bits of books, then reverted to watching a documentary about the Moors Murderers on TV. This was not the blissful Saturday I would have chosen, but I so wanted her to totally recover from her ordeal. Clearly, it was within the realms of possibility that she was still suffering some after-effects from that despicable attack. Who knew what an experience like that could do to somebody?”
She came back at eight o’clock. I stood in the living room doorway and had a prevailing sense of relief.
“I’m making a drink. Do you want one?”
“OK. Did you have a nice afternoon?”
“Just mooched around the shops and stuff, nothing special. To be honest, I did some thinking.”
“Thinking?”
“Thinking about how horrible it must have been for you. You weren’t to know anything. I wasn’t much of a wife to put you through so much worry. I hope I can make it up to you.” She filled the kettle and I watched her putting the coffee carefully into the cups. “Things will get back to normal in time. They will return to how they were. I’m sure of that. This marriage is everything to me, Dom. Manchester taught me that.”
Not Quite Paradise
The next day, things were weird. The bed was again empty when I awoke, although this time, when I went downstairs, she wasn’t there. I heard some noise at the back door, and it became clear that August hadn’t been let in or fed. Where was she? Did she think it was fair to go wandering off without telling me, after all that had happened?
A normal Sunday for me prior to Laura’s return would have been to go to the pub and have five pints and a Sunday roast but now she was back, this pursuit seemed redundant so I decided to tough it out at home till she returned. I started by phoning Jamie. I hadn’t spoken to him and he had listened to me for all those painful hours in my wifeless suffering. Now Laura had returned, and he should know.
“Hi Jamie. How are you?”
“Fucking fab. Been writing away, mate. This is going to be a fab book. You ever been in a clap clinic?”
“No! I’m not that careless. And anyway, for your information, the place is called a GUM clinic now.” I was very knowledgeable when it came to sex it occasionally and was very vocal when it came to going ‘bareback’ without knowing her level of integrity. Jamie knew that.
“For your information? You’re a twat sometimes. You don’t fancy going to a clap or GUM clinic and getting tested, do you? Research for the book?”
“Bollocks to that. You can do it.”
“OK, I will. Are we doing Sunday lunch?”
“Mate, I can’t. I have to tell you, there’s been a development. Laura’s come home.”
“What? You’re joking!”
“No. She’s here.”
“What, she’s at yours now? Let me welcome her home.”
“No. She’s not here right now. She’s gone out, but she is home.”
“That’s incredible. Well, I’m made up for you mate.”
The positivity did not feel right. “It’s not that good. Got mixed feelings about it, to tell the truth. It feels strange, though I hate to say it.”
“That’s normal, after what happened. Where’s she been all this time?”
I told him the story Laura had told me. He didn’t respond to any of it apart from when I told him about the attack, when he just swore emphatically, although I wasn’t sure he was accepting Laura’s version of events. It was a bit far-fetched. His interest in my situation, however, was at odds with his writing aspirations. “You’ll still help me with the book though?”
“What else have I got to do? Of course.”
Laura returned home at about half past four, saying she had been in Meadowhall, and from there had gone to Castleton to have a long inspiring walk. “I wanted to enjoy some countryside. I just need to restore myself”
I had waited for her to return at any moment like a pathetic puppy dog. I was never comfortable with subservience, so this pained me. I had spent six hours today trying to be independent and not wanting to be dependent on this woman who, after all, had left me.
When she came in, I pretended that I had been busy doing what I wanted to do and did not betray any sign that my day had been influenced by her, laying out a relaxed smile and giving her an affectionate kiss on the cheek. I felt that if I conceded that I was dominated by her, I would regret it.
I was hoping that things were going to pick up soon.
Ban Taa
The politeness of staff in Thai restaurants is second to none and I always thought that civilisation could learn a lot from Thai restaurants and how they had everything sorted. Unhurried and smart, they tended to be, like I wanted to be too, although I always failed miserably in that area. Messy and stressed were terms that suited me more.
The Ban Taa Restaurant that we now found ourselves in was consistently pleasing. Laura had always
referred to it as the Barn Tart, which I suppose reflected her sense of humour more than mine. Whenever we had eaten there, we had always found the food to be first class and service was always with a smile and that level of politeness and respect that sometimes we forget is important. Consequently, the place was always busy and to find yourselves at a decent table, you always had to book at least twenty-four hours in advance. The Thai artefacts and art and the staff all dressed in traditional Thai attire only served to add to the ambience. The toilets (always important, as far as this customer was concerned) were immaculate too.
Laura had been back home for several days now and those days had been quiet ones. She hadn’t talked much in the house, which hadn’t been much, as she had always been out driving somewhere, or visiting someone or somewhere, alongside almost daily trips to Meadowhall and Crystal Peaks for shopping. I initiated most conversations. Apart from the television and the computer, and the new iPhone I had bought her, she didn’t seem to show any interest in anything, although I did catch her listening to some classical music, which was a new one for me. “Mahler is brilliant,” she said.
“When did you start listening to classical.”
“Always liked it.”
“I never knew. You never even mentioned it before.”
“Never told you.”
“Perhaps we should go and listen to an orchestra sometime? Do you fancy that?” I sat down next to her on the settee.
“Shouldn’t you be off now?”
“I’m not going. I’ve phoned in. Pulling a sickie, my sweet. We can do something together.”
Laura had pulled a face at this news. “Why are you missing work, though? That’s not good, Dom.”
“I thought we could enjoy the day. Things haven’t been all that good for us so far and they won’t become good again unless we start trying. And that’s both of us, not just me.”
Laura had hung around for an hour, then had gone out. It was as if she had sneaked out, since I had only realized she had gone when I had heard her car engine starting up.
I had stayed away from work for nothing, hanging onto some desperate feeling that everything was going to be ok, that the planets of the universe were going to align themselves at some point soon in my favour. Love would conquer all eventually. However, doubts were building. Would Laura ever regain her old self so that things could be on course again? If not, we were in real trouble.