Radclyffe - Promising Hearts

  She recalled Jessie never moving from Kate's bedside and promising any sacrifice if Kate would only live. And after, when Kate was barely days from death's door, Kate's determination that nothing would keep her from being with Jessie, even if they had to leave the territory to be together. It was foolish to think that anything as petty as the small- mindedness of others would ever keep these two apart.

  "Take Jessie upstairs to your room and get out of those wet things.

  I'll find some clothes of your father's that will fit Jessie well enough for now. You both need to get dry before you catch your death."

  "Thank you," Kate whispered, hugging her mother tightly.

  v The large tin tub stood behind the dressing screen in one corner of Mae's bedroom. Vance took comfort in the fact that the area was only dimly lit by a single oil lamp burning on the dresser on the far side of the bed, which took up the center of the room. She hoped that the scars on her chest and shoulder would blend with the shadows of the room and be less shocking, if no less unsightly. Even her father, a physician and a man used to seeing the worst of the human condition, had exclaimed at the state of the wounds the first time he'd seen her.

  To give him his due, however, she had only just arrived home from the hospital in Richmond and not everything had healed by that time.

  "Whatever you're worrying about," Mae murmured, "it's probably a waste of good energy."

  "Mae, you don't know--"

  "You don't know where I've been, what I've seen," Mae whispered, slipping both hands beneath the edges of Vance's open shirt and pressing her palms to Vance's chest. "Stand still now and be quiet.

  Let me see you." When she felt Vance shiver violently, she added, "Put your hand inside my robe, on my waist. Hold me."

  With a shuddering breath, Vance parted Mae's robe completely and curved her arm around Mae's waist.

  "Ready?" Mae leaned into Vance's body and kissed her throat.

  "Yes."

  Mae skimmed her hands from Vance's chest to her shoulders and over her upper arms, pushing off her shirt. It fell to the floor next to the tub behind them. Vance's pale skin shimmered like silver in the lamplight. Her breasts were small and taut, her chest lean and tightly muscled like the rest of her body. A patch of scar tissue, the skin pebbled and rough, stretched from the outer edge of her left breast around her side. Carefully, Mae stroked the uneven surface.

  "Is it painful?"

  "No," Vance rasped, keeping her eyes on Mae's face. "Not when you do that. Sometimes...sometimes when I'm tired, or I've ridden for a long time, it gets sore."

  "Does it help to touch it?"

  Vance laughed unsteadily. "I don't know. It feels rather nice just at this moment."

  Mae kissed the tip of Vance's chin. "You might not be thinking altogether clearly right now. We'll have to find out later."

  "All right." Vance was having a hard time sorting out all the conflicting feelings that were warring inside her. Mae was so close that the heat of her body penetrated Vance's trousers, warming her thighs and pelvis. Mae's perfume, a bold scent sweetened by Mae's own distinctive flavor, assaulted her senses, making her dizzy with desire. Her belly was tight with longing, and she wanted to touch Mae everywhere. The brief wonder of Mae's breast in her hand was almost all she could think about. If she'd been whole, if she'd had two arms, she would never have stood so quietly, waiting. She would have touched Mae the way she hungered to, would have given free rein to the fire that was rapidly consuming her sanity. She remembered what Mae had said just moments before. I feel what you feel. I need what you need. She had to believe that, or her feelings of impotence would drive her mad.

  "You're still shaking. Are you still scared?" Mae asked tenderly.

  "No. I...oh!" Vance stumbled back a step as Mae moved her hand from Vance's chest to what remained of her left arm.

  "Tell me if I hurt you." Mae spoke slowly, taking care to keep her voice level and firm. She'd seen far worse than the stump that ended just above where Vance's elbow should have been. She'd seen men trampled by horses, women torn apart by deliveries gone wrong, children dead from the pox. Vance's arm ended in a rounded lump of scar tissue that was far less horrible than she would have expected.

  Still, this was the woman she cared for, and no matter how well healed the wound appeared now, she knew that the damage extended far deeper than flesh, and she ached for that pain. She did the only thing she could think to do. She curled her fingers gently around Vance's arm and tenderly kissed the scar.

  Vance gasped again. It was so unexpected, so unlike anything anyone had ever done, that she couldn't take it in. Her knees gave way and the next thing she knew, her cheek was pressed to Mae's bare stomach as sobs racked her body. Dimly, she was aware of Mae stroking her hair, her neck, her shoulders. Mae was saying something, crooning words that had no meaning but that caressed and soothed the raw weeping places in her soul. "Sorry," she choked out, "sorry."

  Tears streaked Mae's cheeks unheeded. She had not imagined it possible that something as simple as a kiss could do this to one so strong, so brave. Brokenly, she whispered, "It's all right, sweetheart,"

  although she doubted the truth of her own words. Sometimes there was nothing to do but to live with the pain.

  "I wish..." Vance rubbed her cheek against Mae's skin. Desire warred brutally with need, and it was the need she feared more than loneliness. The desperate longing to be comforted, to be healed, that she'd kept chained for so long was dangerously close to escaping now. Unleashed, it would swallow her alive and destroy any hope of friendship with Mae. "I wish I had come to you whole."

  Mae bit back her sharp protest, because she understood pride and independence. She understood too that Vance would allow nothing to grow between them until she was certain that the feelings rose from love, and not pity. "Looking at you pleases me to no end." She caressed Vance's tear-streaked face. "And you're about as brave a person as I've ever met."

  Sighing, Vance closed her eyes. "I don't see what you see."

  "I know." For an instant, Mae pressed Vance's face hard against her body, then gently pushed her away a few inches. "Vance, you're getting chilled. Let's both get in the tub so I can hold you."

  After a moment, Vance got unsteadily to her feet and fumbled with the buttons on her trousers. "If we wait much longer, it will be cold."

  Mae smiled. "I don't think we're going to notice."

  "You're the only person other than the doctors and nurses and my father, who's a doctor, too, who has touched me there."

  "I didn't mean to open old hurts." She brushed Vance's hand aside and finished unbuttoning her trousers for her.

  Vance trailed her fingers through Mae's curls as she worked, then dipped her head and kissed Mae softly. "You didn't. Sometimes healing hurts."

  Nodding silently, afraid that she might burst into tears now, Mae pushed Vance's clothing down and shed her own robe. She stepped into the tub, settled down with her back against one end, and held out her hand. "Come sit against me."

  Carefully, Vance climbed in and eased down between Mae's legs so her back nestled against Mae's front. The water was still warm, and, despite her exhaustion, at the first contact with Mae's body, she came instantly awake. Mae's breasts pressed against her back, and when Mae angled her legs over Vance's beneath the water, the intimate contact caused her skin to flush with heat. Vance groaned and let her head fall back against Mae's shoulder. "I never want to move."

  Mae nuzzled Vance's neck and wrapped both arms around her waist. "Then we won't."

  Lazily, Vance turned her head and kissed Mae's neck. "The steam smells like you."

  "It's the scent I use. I put some in the water."

  "It does things to my insides."

  "Nice things, I hope," Mae said a bit breathlessly. Everywhere their bodies touched, which was everywhere possible, her skin tingled.

  Her breasts were full and aching to be caressed. She was hot and pulsing below, desperately needing to be filled. Still, she on
ly smoothed her hand up and down Vance's belly while pressing her cheek to Vance's throat. What there was between them was not to be hurried, but to be savored. This moment was about trust as much as passion.

  "Wonderful things." Vance caught Mae's hand and drew it to her breast, stiffening when Mae's fingers glanced over her nipple. She groaned softly. "I've never been like this with anyone before. Man or woman."

  "I wish I could say the same thing to you." Mae closed her eyes and kissed Vance's temple. "I'm sorry that I--"

  "Don't." Vance kissed Mae's hand before shifting until she could look into Mae's face. "Nothing you have ever done or ever might do will matter more to me than what lies between us." She kissed Mae's lips, gently at first, then more demandingly. She kissed her first with reverence, then with desire. She kissed her, taking her time, exploring her mouth as she wished to explore all of her, body and soul. The hunger to possess her, to be possessed by her had not abated, but she discovered with each passing second that there was something beyond need. There was knowing. Above all, she wanted to know Mae, in her heart as well as her body. When she drew back from the kiss and settled once more into Mae's arms, her head resting on Mae's shoulder, she murmured, "I just wanted you to know why I might not be so...adept...at some things. If we do..."

  "When." Mae laughed breathlessly and caressed Vance's chest, skimming her breasts just enough to appease her longing for her. "Lord, if you were any better, my heart might climb right out of my chest."

  Vance smiled, a lazy, pleased smile. "My brother always had a way with the ladies. I never thought to experience such things for myself."

  "But you knew you had...feelings...in that direction?"

  "Yes. I didn't recognize exactly what they were at first, because as I'm sure you're aware, such matters are rarely discussed. But there was one girl in my medical school class. We were close, good friends."

  Vance sighed. "Our fondness led to the beginnings of something more intimate, but then the war came and...everything changed."

  "Your brother? Where is he?"

  Vance found Mae's hand and clasped her fingers. She closed her eyes and said, "Victor and I were twins. We did everything together from the time we were children. We went to different medical schools, but we often saw patients together. When the war came and Lincoln called for physicians, we enlisted together, too." She smiled. "It was Victor's idea for me to cut my hair and borrow his clothes so we could sign up for the same regiment. He knew I would find a way to go, and we always had more fun together than apart." She shivered although the water still held some heat. "We served in the same regiment for the first year and a half. There were very few formally trained surgeons, and before long we were both promoted to brigade surgeon. The Union forces fought on several fronts, and we ended up being separated. The mail, what there was of it, often took months to catch up to us when we were in the field. I hadn't heard anything from him for the last six months of the war."

  Mae waited, saying nothing when Vance fell silent, but she recognized the hollow note in Vance's voice for what it was. Terrible loss. She tightened her arms in a futile attempt to shield Vance from a pain that had already struck her heart.

  "I didn't know until I finally returned to Philadelphia upon my release from the hospital that Victor had been killed in the fall of Richmond just a few weeks before I was shot." Vance turned her face to Mae's neck. "I'll always wonder if I'd been with him if I could have saved him."

  Not whether he could have saved you. Mae kissed Vance's forehead. "I'm sorry."

  "Victor's death nearly destroyed my father. My...injury was more than he could cope with. Our relationship was never the same again, and when I wanted to leave Philadelphia, he contacted Caleb Melbourne on my behalf. I think he was glad when I left."

  "Surely he didn't blame you for what happened."

  "Not exactly. He didn't know either of us had enlisted, although he wouldn't have been able to stop us. We wrote to him once we arrived at our first post, and he tried to get me to come home." She sighed. "When I finally did come home, I was a reminder of everything he'd lost."

  "I'm sorry about Victor, but I'm so very glad that you survived."

  "Thank you," Vance whispered. She had once hoped to hear similar words from her father, but hearing them now, from the woman she was coming to treasure, meant even more.

  "You're trembling." Gently Mae moved Vance forward, stood, and stepped from the tub. "Let me get a blanket."

  By the time Vance climbed out, Mae had a blanket ready to wrap around her shoulders. "You'll get cold, too," Vance protested. She took one edge of the blanket and drew it around Mae so they were both covered. "I don't know how it is that I end up telling you things I never speak of with anyone else."

  "Because," Mae said with a small smile, embracing Vance within the confines of their makeshift shelter, "I want to know."

  Vance rested her cheek against Mae's hair. "I'm so glad."

  "Come to bed," Mae said. When Vance tensed, she shook her head and kissed the hollow at the base of Vance's throat. "I want you to hold me. That's all."

  Vance wanted more at the same time as she feared it, and because of that uncertainty, she was grateful that Mae did not demand greater intimacy. "Are you sure? What about the others?"

  "Lord, Vance," Mae said with a laugh. "You don't think it matters to anyone who shares a bed here, do you? No one will take note, and even if they did, what of it? Unless you don't want anyone to--"

  "No," Vance said fiercely, silencing Mae with a kiss. "I just don't want to cause trouble for you."

  Mae felt the sudden threat of tears again, unable to recall when the last time had been that anyone had worried about her. "The only trouble for me would be if you left me now, seeing's how I have a terrible need to be with you."

  Vance rested her forehead against Mae's. "And for tonight, just holding will be enough?"

  "It will be just right."

  When she settled in bed on her side and Mae came into the curve of her body, Vance discovered that Mae was correct. Nothing she'd ever known had felt so right. Mae's heart beat against her breast, Mae's thigh fit perfectly between her thighs, Mae's breath caressed her throat like a soothing balm. She wrapped her arm around Mae's shoulders and cupped the back of Mae's neck, caressing her gently. "I don't know that I'll sleep tonight," Vance said. "You feel too wonderful to miss a second of being with you."

  "You don't have to worry," Mae murmured, melting into Vance as if they had been in one another's arms a thousand times before. "This won't be the last time."

  With that assurance playing through her mind, Vance closed her eyes and slept. For the first time in a thousand nights, she did not dream of death.

  * * *

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Jessie paced to the window and flicked the curtain aside, even though there was nothing to see outside in the dark. From the sounds of men shouting in the street below, she wasn't the only one wide awake. "Lord, Kate, I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight.

  It would've been better if you'd stayed with your parents."

  "No, it wouldn't," Kate said calmly as she leaned over and turned down the oil lamp before unbuttoning her dress and slipping it off over her head, leaving only her chemise and stockings. She sat on the edge of the bed to remove her undergarments. "I would lie awake worrying about you, and you would undoubtedly stay awake doing just what you're doing now, and neither one of us would have changed what's going to happen."

  "Kate, I--" The protest died on Jessie's lips when she caught a glimpse of Kate slipping naked beneath the rough cotton sheets. Unsettled in an entirely new way than just seconds before, she leaned against the window casing, her arms crossed. "You could be safely tucked away at home right now instead of climbing into an uncomfortable bed in a noisy hotel."

  "Jessie," Kate said quietly. "It's somewhere in the middle of the night. It's been a hard, frightening few days for you and I've missed you terribly. How you could think that I would let you sleep
alone now escapes reason." She patted the bed beside her. "I know it's because you're worn out and scared for Jed that you could even question why I'm here. For now, just accept that I need you."

  "You need me." Jessie said the words as if they had been spoken in a strange language. "Sometimes it scares me how much I need you." As she had the first afternoon that Kate had spent with her, Jessie crossed to the bed, unbuttoning her shirt as she walked. As she had that day as well, she unbuckled her gun belt and hung it on the bedpost.

  "I love you," Kate said, watching Jessie unbutton her pants and step free, marveling just as she had a little over a year before at how beautiful and strong she appeared. She moved over to make room as Jessie removed her long johns and settled beside her. "And I need you terribly. It's all rolled up in what we share."

  Jessie gathered Kate into her arms and buried her face in Kate's hair. She lay silently for several minutes as Kate stroked her back and her shoulders and her chest. She breathed in Kate's scent, listened to her heartbeat, concentrated on each small point where their bodies touched.

  As the essence of Kate filled her up inside, she sensed the bruised and bleeding places starting to heal. She wasn't aware of her tears until Kate's fingers brushed over her cheek.

  "Tell me," Kate whispered.

  "When they started shooting I couldn't really believe it. I knew what was happening, but I couldn't take it in. They were trying to kill me, on my own land."

  Kate's heart was seized with a sudden chill. She knew firsthand the dangers that nature and accidents wrought upon the unsuspecting or unlucky. She had learned to accept that part of the life she had chosen.

  Now she added human treachery to the forces that threatened Jessie and their life together. Anger mixed with her fear and worry. "Will you be able to catch them?"

  "I don't know. If they were only stealing a few to sell to the army or a passing wagon train, they could be a hundred miles away by now.