“Harry, watch out!” she yelled as the poodle launched itself at Harry’s throat. “Alpo Purina Iams,” but her spell missed the leaping dog.
Harry put up his arm to ward off the vicious poodle. The dog latched painfully onto his wrist, and he dropped his wand.
“Ow, you mangy mutt!”
“Harry, get outta there!”
Harry made for the door, dragging the small canine with him. He painfully pulled his arm through the door, as the snarling dog ripped his sleeve from his robe, the seam gave way at the shoulder. Hermione wasn’t too happy to see that. It was her spare robe. She had lent it to Harry, since Harry didn’t have any of his own things.
“What the…? Did you see that? That thing’s from the pits of hell!” yelled Harry.
“Your wand, Harry, you left your wand!”
“She can have it, I’m not going back in there!”
“Don’t be an IDIOT! How are you going to defend yourself without your wand? We have to get it back.”
She opened the door a crack, the dog growled at her. She readied her wand. Then she flung the door open, and flicked her wand saying, “Fetch!” As the poodle sprinted across the room after her wand, she sprang through the open door, diving for the wand Harry had dropped. She quickly somersaulted to her feet, and ran back to the door. She almost made it through in time, but the angry canine latched onto her pant leg. She balanced on one foot, trying to kick at the dog and pull her leg out the door at the same time. She pulled her leg out of the room with a tearing sound. The poodle thrashed the torn piece of her pant leg. Then she closed the door and leaned back against it sucking wind. “Phew! I got it, Harry! Now at least you’ll have your wand. I’ll have to get another as soon as I can.”
Harry gave her a look of confusion, “Hermione, have you lost your marbles?”
“What? It was a sacrifice, my wand for yours. You need yours more than I do. At least now you’ll be able to defend yourself against all those people who want you dead.”
“Let me show you the non-muddle method,” said Harry as he shooed her away from the door. He opened it a crack, just like Hermione had done a moment before. The dog was ready, but couldn’t reach Harry through the small crack. Harry spoke the summoning charm, “Aamco Premium Gasoline wand!” The wand shot off the floor of the room and landed in Harry’s empty hand with a satisfying smack. He closed the door and handed Hermione her wand.
Hermione slapped her forehead, “I’m such an IDIOT!”
Ron stood there holding Nemoy. His lips puckered a little.
When Harry and Ron arrived back in their room, Harry noticed the torn curtain on his four-poster bed. The dummy he had constructed was slashed apart. Someone had tried to kill him.
Chapter 7 - Defense Against the Fine Arts
The next day, everyone was exhausted. The Great Eatery was almost as quiet as a grave during breakfast. Most had nodded off; some had nodded off in their gruel. The Party Animal House tables were deserted. They had all spent the night at the Electric Underwear. Even when the small National Geographic team arrived, it failed to cause even a stir.
The quiet was interrupted when the goats came bleating in with the morning mail. Hermione received her copy of the Daily Asylum. She put her money in the pouch around the goat’s neck. She didn’t bother to read it. “No news is good news,” she said folding the newspaper over her face to reduce the light. She remained quiet thereafter.
Ron was busy composing a quick note to his mother:
Send more wands!
Love,
Ron
He sealed the envelope then slapped the hindquarters of his miserable old goat, Pigwedgie. It gave him a look of derision, and walked slowly and indignantly away. Then Ron realized he forgot to give Pigwedgie the envelope and scampered after him.
Harry felt wide-awake as he went over his class schedule. He couldn’t sleep a wink last night and he knew he would pay for it later. First was History of Magic with Professor Binge, then Transmogrification with Minerva McGooglesnot, followed by Defense Against the Fine Arts with Farthard, then lunch. After lunch, it was onward to Astro-Numerology with the centaur Frenzy, Magical Beast Biology with Cubious Hasbeen, How to Saw a Lady in Half and Other Classics with Humphrey the Wise and Mystical, and last, Poisons with his least favorite teacher ever, Carnivorous Ape. Ron and Hermione had similar schedules. They had Conjuring and Illusions, instead of “Sawing.”
Without exception, those in attendance, which was noticeably sparse, slept through Harry’s first class, History of Magic with Professor Binge. The ghost’s droning voice was very conducive to sleep. Afterward, no one could even say what the topic of the lecture had been. Hermione was the only one who felt guilty, and she had the least reason to feel that way, as she already knew the course material in far greater detail than would be studied in class throughout the year.
Everyone was feeling much more awake and refreshed in their second class, Transmogrification with Professor McGooglesnot. She started class off and ended it by repeating her encouragement that the students bring her any cheesecake they came upon.
Because they were all sixth year students, she reminded them that sixth year students always took an overnight class trip to Atlantis in the early spring. She whetted their appetite for the trip, which she ran each year, by talking about the places they would visit. The Neptune Museum, the King’s Palace, the Atlantic Aquarium, and the Coliseum were the cultural highlights of the trip. In addition, they would be staying at the famous Parthan Hotel and have dinner at the most exquisite seafood restaurant, The Ambergris Grill. The trip was entirely government-funded. She had already applied for and received approval for this year’s grant. The students were very excited.
Then it was down to business. She went over the itinerary. They were expected to be able to transmute lead into gold by the end of the year. She reminded them that the material they learned this year would appear on their Mature Occult Aptitude Tests, or M.O.A.T’s, at the end of next year. The students, however, had their own acronym for M.O.A.T’s, the Mother Of All Tests. In a sentence, their graduation depended on them learning the material she would be presenting this year.
Then she began reviewing last year’s work, endeavoring to shake the rust off that had accrued over the summer months.
As Ron, Harry, and Hermione headed to Defense Against the Fine Arts, they eagerly discussed the trip to Atlantis. Hermione was very excited about the cultural experience. Ron and Harry were hoping to see some mermaids.
That’s when they noticed a woman sweeping the hall with a huge dust broom. It was Belch’s huge dust broom. The woman was god-awful ugly. In fact, she looked like a man, – an ugly one. The woman stared at them as they went by, in a way that made Harry nervous. Could anyone have a nose like that? She seemed somehow familiar to him. He began wonder if she was the witch Bellatrix Le Deranged, one of the Fungus Eaters.
Gildersneeze Farthard began lisping his lecture, “From what I underthtand, your training over the courthe of the patht five yearth hath been thhamefulwy lacking and woefulwy mithmanaged in regard to Defenthe Againtht the Fine Artth. You have not even had the thame teacher for two yearth in a row. Looking over the lesthonth taught to you, I have found thome very notitheable gapth in your education. I feel it ith my duty to clothe thethe gapth, tho that you are fully prepared to defend yourthelveth thhould the need arithe. Furthermore, I thought it would be really egthiting if we thtarted the year off with a bang, thomething to give you all a good egthample of what you can egthpect this year in MY clath. Tho today’th lesthon will be about the Efreet or evil genie.”
It wasn’t pretty to watch. Flecks of spittle hit the floorboards as Farthard talked. Harry felt a few droplets, and he was in the third row. He felt sorry for those up front.
Hermione raised her hand, and asked, “Mr. Farthard?”
“Yeth, my dear?”
“Aren’t Efreeti rather egthceptional, I mean, exceptional, that is to say rarely to be encountered? Should
we be studying something that we are most likely to never encounter in our whole lives, especially considering we haven’t even learned to …”
“Dear child,” Farthard wiped his lip, “I’m well aware that you have much to learn. Tho, if you pleasthe, I will dethide what gapth need filling and when. Now, ath I wath thaying, Efreet ath you probabwy have heard, can be forthed to therve ath thlaveth for one thouthand dayth by very powerful withardth.”
Faco Maldoy whispered to Ron, “That leaveth you out, Cheethley!”
Harry interceded, “Go thuck on a lemon, Maldoy!”
Gildersneeze continued, “Like all genieth, Efreeti will generally offer their captor three wistheth in egthchange for their fweedom. However, unlike regular genieth, Efreeti are generalwy vewy nathty and will twy to thwart their captor’th wistheth by adhering to the letter of the wisth inthtead of the thp-p-pirit of the wisth. Tho, one must be vewy careful in the wording of what they wisth for. For egthample, wisthhing for gold, the Efreet might bury their captor in gold dutht enough to choke the foolisth withard who wisthed for it to death. Or, thay one wisthhed to be irrethisthtible, imagine all the trouble that poor fool would find himthelf in. The leatht of hith problemth would be the women he’d have to fight off with a thtick, just imagine when the fisth came fwying out of the lake twying to have a meaningful relationsthhip-p-p with him, and don’t think it would thtop there. Boy was I thur…errr, I mean boy, wouldn’t he be thurprithed when it turnth out that dragonth would altho be enamored by him, and dragonth are a lot harder to thay no to than fisth! Take it from me, you have to be vewy careful what you wisthh for! Any questionth?”
Half the students raised their hands, Hermione half stood up from her chair to get noticed.
“Well, thince there are no questionth, we can get down to buthinesth. Today, I have an Effreet here for you all to learn about diwectly. I thhall open itth bottle forthwith,” said Farthard as he placed his thumbs on the cork and began pushing it out of the dark bottle.
“Mr. Farthard, isn’t that dangerous?” Hermione called out. She knew this was far more risky than the mischievous bogglethwarts that Farthard had uncaged the first year he taught them, and that had been a disaster.
“Don’t worry, dear, everything ith under control.”
“But, shouldn’t we inscribe pentagrams on the floor for protection first?” suggested Hermione as she wiped her eye.
“Really not nethesthary,” scoffed Gildersneeze, “a powerful withard thuch as mythelf ith no match for an Efreet. How do you think it got in thith bottle in the firtht plathe?” Gildersneeze turned the bottle and tried pushing the cork from the other side.
“Didn’t it come that way?” asked Hermione.
“What, do you think, it was born in a bottle?” jeered Farthard.
The students laughed, and Faco whispered, “Thtop being thuch a baby, Thtranger.”
“Grow up,” she retorted. She knew Farthard was a bumbling idiot. He had most likely gotten the Efreet from a mail order catalog. He was most likely in way over his head. She seemed to be the only one who had a clue just how much danger they all were in.
“Now, if you were doing thith alone, I would recommend that you firtht of all not do it alone, and thecondly…mmmmfph,” he gritted his teeth as he pulled at the cork, “thinthe you aren’t a powerful withard, you would definitely want the protection of a pentagram,” he finished as he finally popped the cork out. There was a loud bang and billowing black smoke rocketed out of the bottle. The recoil knocked Farthard on his rear end.
The smoke cleared a bit, revealing a genie. His muscular torso looked perfectly formed, as though sculpted. He floated on a jet of black smoke where one might expect his waist and legs to be. The Efreet had dark red skin and flaming hair. He stretched and yawned showing a full array of sharp black teeth.
“Ah, children. Delicious!” he said. His deep, booming voice alone was enough to scare the bejeezus out of the students. They sat frozen in horror. Then he turned to size up the puny human holding his bottle, and getting up off the floor. The thread of spittle sliding down the human weakling’s chin made it look imbecilic.
“You must be a powerful wizard indeed to teach such tender morsels about the Efreeti.” The thread of drool sliding down the evil genie’s chin made it look hungry. His spittle singed the floorboards.
Gildersneeze bowed at the compliment.
“Therefore, in return for my freedom, I will grant you three wishes! But you must make them quickly, I haven’t got all day,” effected the Efreet slyly.
The students were fooled, and some quickly forgot their fear at the offer of three wishes. A lot of them cheered, and a few began shouting out wishes to Farthard.
“Wish for a mansion!”
“No, a trip to Wizard World!”
“How ‘bout a Ferrari!”
“Ten billion chocolate slugs!”
With momentary horror Harry thought, what if Farthard wished for his memory back? Harry would be so up the creek.
Gildersneeze started to think it over carefully. One had to be very careful when wording a wish. He was totally unprepared when the jolt of electricity suddenly arced from the Efreet’s spread fingers to himself, running over his body and through it, then disbursing through the air to all the students, making them shudder.
As suddenly as it came, the crackling electricity went. The students sat totally silent with their hair standing on end, the only noise that could be heard was Perverti Pickel’s gum as it fell out of her gaping mouth onto her desk.
The silence was interrupted when Ron said, “Ow, my fillings are hot!” Then others began to cry and whimper, but most were too shocked to move. The Efreet started shooting blinding fireworks forth from his hands; the bright flashes preventing anyone from seeing what was happening. When the fireworks finally stopped, and after blinking several times, the students’ vision finally began to clear. They saw the Efreet now larger than a mountain troll and standing on legs now, with one crushing foot on Farthard’s chest, pinning the fool painfully to the floor.
“What should we do?” asked Hermione.
“It’s a longsthhot, but pray to whatever god you worsthhip to thave uth!” coughed Gildersneeze. Many of the students began praying. Hermione, Ron, and Harry were not among them.
Harry stepped forward, wand ready, with Ron and Hermione there to support him. “Not so fast, Efreet! You may have defeated our stupid teacher, but you haven’t beaten the students yet!” yelled Harry. The Efreet laughed until tears started rolling down his hot cheeks, where they were instantly evaporating.
“Give it your best shot, tender mortal!” growled the evil genie waiting.
Harry summoning all of his power, flicked his wand while saying, “Raid kills bugs dead!”
There was a fizzling pop at the tip of Harry’s wand, and for a moment nothing happened. Then slowly the Efreet started to turn to smoke as a gust of wind began whirling around the classroom. Glowing sparks began to appear within the smoke, and the wind became stronger, whipping the students’ hair and robes. The Efreet was evaporating into whirling smoke, gradually disappearing. The sparks began to circle in the wind. Loose papers started blowing and circling the room, too.
Hermione yelled to Harry, “Wow, what spell is this?”
The wind grew stronger, students began to cling to their desks or swirl around the room too. “I’ll tell you later, if we live!” yelled Harry. He was swept from his feet and began whirling around the room as a tornado formed at its center. The Efreet was gone now, and soon everything in the room, children, desks, and chairs were whirling around and around, higher and higher. Then everything was sucked into the Efreet’s bottle as it teetered on the floor. The last item, the cork lodged itself tightly in the neck of the dark bottle with a whump. The bottle came to a rest standing up.
They were inside the bottle, and everything was still. Everyone was so small that the bottle seemed incredibly large and more like a well-furnished studio apartment, except for the hu
ge messy pile of children, desks, chairs, and other odds and ends in the center of the spacious room. Harry noticed Ron’s wand was further broken. Ron seemed unaware.
“Seems your teacher neglected to tell you that Efreeti are immune to magic spells,” laughed the Efreet. “Now you will be MY slaves for a thousand days!”
He began commanding them to their duties. He started by assigning several of the students to toss the mess of desks, chairs, and garbage in the fireplace and burn it. Hermione was lucky she was told to begin fanning the Efreet with a giant palm frond. Harry and Ron weren’t so lucky, they were told to start washing and waxing a huge fleet of cars in the garage. However, that wasn’t nearly as bad as the job given to Shabby and Foil, Faco Maldoy’s two muscular friends. They were told to start marinating themselves in the kitchen.
Once everyone was busy at work, the Efreet settled down on a beautiful divan, propped his feet up on a pillow, and started to snooze. A little while later he started to snore. Hermione continued to fan him, keeping a close eye on the genie until she felt sure he wasn’t faking. Then she loudly whispered, “Good work, Farthard! That was really impressive!”
“Not to worry, I’m thinking of a plan to get uth out of here,” replied the teacher.
“It looks like you’re scrubbing the floor,” replied Foil sitting in a huge roasting pan next to Shabby and using a baster to shower himself with marinade.
“I’ve got it!” said Farthard. “I’ll thhrink the cork in the bottle, then we can get out while the Efreet thleepth. Go get everyone back in here.”
When everyone had gathered back in the main studio, Farthard took out his wand, waved it at the cork high above, and said, “Onomatopoeia!” The cork shrunk until it was too small to stopper the bottle. Unfortunately, the cork was still enormous to them in their shrunken size. It fell heavily on the sleeping Efreet, instantly waking the evil genie.
Harry Putter and the Chamber of Cheesecakes Page 8