‘Oh,’ she thought to herself, ‘he’s going to tell me! He wants to tell me. Just me. I hope I’ll be worthy of his trust.’
She could feel her heart beating hard inside her chest. As she waited for him to speak further, she felt nervous and excited at once.
Chapter 3
Alexander had always been very private about his past, but now he confessed to Cecilie that his life had been hell.
At that first instant, she nodded and said: “I can believe it, but then again, there’s so much I don’t understand.”
“Me too,” he said.
“Have you always ... been like that?”
He made a face. “I don’t know. As a matter of fact, I’m not sure. Why do you ask?”
“Because Tarjei explained one or two things. He said that those who were born with this predilection aren’t likely to change. However, those who’ve become like that ...” She broke off in embarrassment for a moment, struggling to find the right words. “Shall we say that those who’ve become like this through the influence of others might possibly change their character again?”
“I doubt it,” sighed Alexander resignedly. “If it had been that simple, the battle would be half won! Some of what he says may be true, but for me the problem is far more complicated. I know one or two men who enjoy the company of women and men. One is married and has children. Yet his wife and everybody else at Court know nothing about this secret preference for men.”
Of course, Cecilie was extremely curious but didn’t dare ask who it was. She knew everybody at Court so well and hardly dared start wondering who it could be. After a few moments she decided to stop thinking about it and looked enquiringly at Alexander again.
“And you?” she asked softly. “How do you fit into the picture?”
“I can’t lie with a woman – I just can’t!”
“Have you tried?”
He didn’t answer.
“Please tell me.”
She whispered her words encouragingly, almost inaudibly as she tried to convey patience and understanding. When he still didn’t answer, she moved closer to him and looked directly into his face.
“Do you despise yourself, Alexander?” she asked quietly. “Because you mustn’t do that!”
“No, it’s not like that,” he said quickly. “It’s natural for me to like men. It’s the reaction of others that makes me ashamed.”
“I can well understand that. May I be quite candid?”
“Yes.”
“Do you desire them? The people that you meet?”
“No, Cecilie. How do you feel when you’re in love? Do you always desire a man straightaway?”
“No. First I might start to like someone – feel an affinity for them.” He nodded in agreement.
“Exactly! That’s how it is between me and another man when a deep closeness begins to grow between us. Then slowly, very slowly, a lasting friendship is established and finally ... we might want to live with one another.”
“But this is exactly how it is for a man and a woman!” she exclaimed.
“Of course it is! But that’s what other people can’t see. The love, the intimacy, the intuitive understanding between two people, one for the other.”
“When did you find out that you were like this?”
Although it felt feeble to say ‘like this’, she couldn’t think of another way to put the question. She’d asked the question in the hope that Tarjei might have been right and that Alexander had been influenced by some event in his past. But was it a vain hope? It was certainly a hope that showed that she still harboured impossible dreams about their marriage. Alexander, however, had lapsed into a reflective silence again and it was a long time before he said anything at all.
“I can’t remember anything special in my childhood,” he began reluctantly while he made himself comfortable on the bed with a mound of pillows at his back. “No matter how I try, I simply can’t. I had my siblings and we lived here at Gabrielshus. They all died in the plague in 1601. Only my sister Ursula and I were spared.”
“You couldn’t have been very old then?”
“No, I was six years old when it happened.”
So now she’d learned something else about him! He was approximately thirty-one years old.
“Your poor parents,” she said, almost whispering, “to lose almost all their children.”
“Yes, ten children taken from them all at once. Afterwards our mother became quite afraid of what might happen to Ursula and me – especially me. I was the only one who could pass on the family name, you see. We weren’t allowed to go anywhere or do anything! It was all quite unbearable.”
Cecilie thought that maybe she’d found the reason why he preferred men rather than women. But she decided that there was none. There were very many overprotected boys and most of them grew up to be perfectly normal men.
“What about your father?”
Alexander frowned. “I’ve got no clear memory of him. He was a large and heavy man who ... Oh, I don’t know. My mother used to cry a lot when he was alive. I remember that he had many paintings and pictures in his room. I never liked going in there.”
“What sort of paintings?”
Alexander just pulled a face and shrugged his shoulders. Either he couldn’t remember or he didn’t want to answer.
“So your father was young when he died?”
“Yes. He passed away the year after my brothers and sisters died.”
“What happened then?”
“Well ... nothing really until I was a few years older.”
And did you find other boys or girls attractive? Were you drawn to them?”
“Now that’s something I can’t remember. My mother wanted me to become an officer in the military – that was the custom in our circle of friends. This was when I heard my comrades talk about women and the escapades they’d enjoyed with them. I’d listen and I thought that I’d have my opportunities as well.”
Alexander paused. He looked distressed and swallowed hard. “I’m not sure that I’m able to continue.”
“Alexander, please try,” Cecilie said gently. “I want so much to know about the man I’ve married. I want to understand – and help if I can.”
He bowed his head. His face seemed very pale in the glow of the candles, which were now burning very low. Cecilie reached over and pinched out the flame of the candle nearest to her. Alexander then snuffed out the others, gradually leaving the room in total darkness. It seemed to suit his mood better.
“There was a young man there, one of my fellows,” he said. The strain showed in his voice. “We became friends straightaway. We were always together come rain, come shine. He was forever meeting different girls, and he always insisted that I join him. I think he thought I was just shy in front of women. But you see, Cecilie, I had no great desire to meet them. I honestly didn’t care for their looks or their manner. Instead, I wanted to touch my friend more and more. I yearned to caress the curls around his neck, and I wanted to embrace him when he was happy and console him when he was sad. But I still didn’t understand my emotions. Then finally he persuaded me to join him and some girls and arranged it so that I was alone on a garden seat with one of them. She was very attractive in every way, but I was terrified! I knew what was expected of me, and in a half-hearted manner I did my duty – but only with compliments, nothing more.”
“As you did when we first met,” Cecilie pointed out. “You were very kind but reserved on that occasion.”
“True – but with one difference.” She could almost hear him smiling as he spoke, but he waited a little before continuing. “I wasn’t terribly frightened when I spoke to you. But the girl I was speaking of seemed to have taken a liking to me because she moved close to me and placed her hand on my knee. Quite intimately! I felt immense distaste. It was so strong that I couldn’t forc
e myself to remain quiet. I had to pretend that I had a bad headache and left at once. I’m sure I ran all the way back to the barracks.”
Just then Cecilie’s hand happened to brush Alexander’s hand on the bed. She could feel that it was damp with perspiration. It had clearly been a major effort for him to share his confidences and she felt very touched and filled with gratitude.
At that moment she realised that she’d never forget this night – the darkness which surrounded them like a protective mantle; the curious atmosphere; the intimacy. She found it difficult to control her emotions. She felt deeply saddened by the way things were and overwhelmed by a sense of regret and loss. Even so, she didn’t want to dwell on the reasons for her sudden emotional upheaval – it would have been too unpleasant.
While she was lost in thought, Alexander had also been quiet, waiting until he felt able to continue. She heard him shift on the pillows in the darkness beside her and this time he cleared his throat anxiously before he spoke.
“It was then I began to look at myself more critically. What my friends had said about girls had been troubling me for some time. But now I was confused because I realised that I was jealous of them! So one evening in our barracks, when a group of us were playing cards – we were drinking wine, laughing and all of us were very jolly – I put my arm around his shoulder. I just wanted to draw him close to me. Although I removed my arm at once, I kept glancing at him and became more and more desperate because he was so exceptionally handsome. Just thinking of him made me aroused, and suddenly I discovered that I desired him. I made my excuses. I said I had some work that I needed to finish and left. As I walked into the winter chill, I went down to the shore where I found an old tree stump covered in frost. I sat down, and Cecilie, I wished that I were dead! My heart was filled with love for that young man. Can you imagine how I felt? Yes, I’d heard stories that such things existed but I’d always thought that they were merely bad jokes. Now I’d be the target of such jokes – one of those unfortunate characters that my comrades would sneer at and make fun of. I was in absolute despair. I cried and cursed. I remember that I was so disgusted that I bit my knuckles until they bled. I prayed to God to make me normal again, but my desire for the young man wouldn’t leave me. It was with me that day and every day until I asked to be transferred to another posting, and my wish was granted. This young man was only interested in women and regarded me as nothing more than a friend and fellow officer. As for me, I’d rather have died than reveal my true feelings.”
Cecilie began to feel both sympathy and despair for Alexander. She also realised how little she knew about people and their suffering.
“And after that?” she asked gently. “What happened then?”
“At first, I did everything I could to get rid of my tendency. I spent endless hours in my room and in church, just praying. I still loved that young man for many years, but never saw him again. Eventually, I tried to come to terms with the fact that I was different. After that, everything calmed down. But I was too scared to reveal myself with even so much as a smile.”
Cecilie found that she’d become agitated, impatient and concerned all at the same time and she sat up straight on the bed. “But how could you live like that?” she asked. “How could you live as a ... monk in celibacy?”
He shrugged and moved uncomfortably in the darkness. “I said to myself that if monks could remain celibate then so could I. But then I met Hans ...”
Once again, Cecilie waited for him to continue.
“Hans was the one who made the first move,” Alexander said with a deep sigh. “He was an experienced young man, and he took a liking to me. The way he would look at me was unforgettable – I just couldn’t believe my eyes! He was extremely handsome to look at. Well, you’ve met him so you know what I mean. I couldn’t help falling for him. I saw hope in him because he was a pleasant man in every way. But even then I struggled with my emotions.”
Once Alexander had begun to tell his story, the words tumbled out of him in a torrent. Some sentences lacked context and he gabbled sometimes almost as if he was determined to get everything said no matter how the words came out.
“I’m surprised that you managed to keep your cool through it all,” said Cecile encouragingly. “It must have been very painful indeed.”
“Yes, you’re right. It was a big strain. I know I must have acted like an idiot at times. I walked great distances along the castle passageways and corridors just to catch a glimpse of him. But I also avoided places where I knew I was bound to meet him. I forced myself to strike up a conversation with many women just to prove that I was straight. Oh, Cecilie, I was so afraid! Terrified! And so one day Hans asked me if I’d care to join him on a visit to some friends. I said I’d go but I was very nervous indeed.”
Cecilie wished that the candles were still burning. She wanted to look into his eyes and for him to see the sympathy in hers. She sensed that he needed her and moved her hand across the bed until it touched his. She gave it a quick, gentle squeeze before letting go and moving her hand away. She guessed that he’d not like too much intimacy just then. Alexander continued after another long pause. “I soon found out that Hans had understood! He’d seen through me, I don’t know how. Maybe my glances, curiously seeking his, had told him too much. Eventually I met his friends. They were like me, Cecilie, and there were lots of them. I could tell you names that would leave you speechless. I was deeply embarrassed at first, but they were so welcoming and spoke of their own lives, which were startlingly like my own. But most of all they taught me to accept that which can’t be explained. Never to feel shame; never to reveal my inner predilection to others; and never, ever to expose my friends. They taught me that it is the judgment of the world outside that is the hardest thing to accept. They’d found that inner happiness was possible once they’d overcome their despair and frustrations.”
He paused again, drew a very deep breath and pulled his knees up tight to his chest. “Hans accompanied me home that night,” he whispered. “I’ll not say any more than that.”
“You don’t have to,” replied Cecilie, her eyes brimming with tears and her voice trembling. “So the only proper relationship you’ve had has been with Hans?”
“Yes. All went well for two years. Towards the end we were nearly found out, as you know. Hans was so careless, it was as if he enjoyed seeing me worry. Maybe he thought that he was invincible. Then he left me for another fellow who’d recently arrived in the city. Knowing no better, this man didn’t hesitate in telling people that I’d been Hans’ friend before him. You know how it is: People always wish to pull others down with them.”
Cecilie nodded. “I expect that most of us have that tendency.”
“Certainly. And today I must return to Copenhagen so that I can attend the trial.”
When Cecilie heard the word “today,” she felt a sudden stab of alarm. Yes, the night was almost past and dawn would soon be breaking. Her wedding night would soon be well and truly over.
“I’ll come with you,” she told him decisively. “You shouldn’t go alone.”
“No, Cecilie, please don’t come. It could all become quite unpleasant.”
“But I’ll be able to support your testimony. You say you won’t perjure yourself. Well, I’ve no such sensitivities. We Ice People have always had our own form of religion, which is more down-to-earth than traditional Christianity. Besides, is a trial really necessary? Is this marriage not evidence in itself?”
“Maybe it is. It ought to be a weighty argument at least. I don’t believe it’s commonly known that there are men who can ‘befriend’ both men and women. If it is, then this feigned marriage won’t help much. Otherwise ...”
He suddenly stopped speaking and shot off the bed. “Dear God!” he cried in a frantic voice. “There’s something important that we’ve forgotten. Your honour and dignity must also be protected, dearest Cecilie.”
Cecilie was puzzled, watching as he lit one of the candles. It felt strange to see him again – they’d been no more than voices in the privacy of darkness for so long – and it seemed incredible to her that this was the powerful, virile stranger who’d confided in her so many astonishing details of his life. Yes, because in spite of everything he was still virtually a stranger, this Alexander Paladin. And that thought sent a new surge of excitement through her. “This is the man I’m to share my whole life with,” she told herself, and the mere thought made her head spin.
Alexander had taken a sharp knife from the fruit bowl on the table. He made a small cut along the tip of one of his fingers and squeezed out the blood. It looked almost black in the candlelight.
“Move over,” he ordered “Quickly.”
She was confused but did as she was told. Without looking at her, Alexander let a few drops of blood fall onto the bedclothes somewhere near the middle of the mattress. He watched as they soaked into the sheet, then wiped the knife clean and returned it to the fruit bowl.
“Now that’s done,” he said in a satisfied tone. “Tomorrow the gossip will be that the marriage between Alexander Paladin and his virgin bride, Cecilie, has been consummated.”
She let out a sigh of surprise and relief. “Thank you, Alexander. That was very sweet and considerate of you.”
“It will be helpful to both of us,” he replied with a friendly smile.
A moment later Cecilie started to laugh. “I’m sure there have been more boring wedding nights!”
He joined quickly in her laughter. “Yes, and more embarrassing ones too, I expect! Thank you for your fine friendship, young Cecilie, and for your understanding.”
“Did it help to talk about it? Make it a little easier, I mean?”
“You’ve no idea how much it helped! Somehow everything feels more innocent.”
“It’s the same for me. I understand so much more now. A little while ago, I felt a pang of anxiety because I didn’t know you at all – I’m married to a stranger and we’ll live together in a very unconventional marriage. But it’s the same for you! Don’t those same thoughts frighten you?”
Friendship Page 5