It looks like the sun has been dimmed and someone took a bite out of it.
“It’s the moon. It changes shapes as the sun moves behind it.”
“The moon.” I love the soft yellow glow and stare a while longer before I turn to Chance. “What’s going to happen now?”
“It’s getting crowded here. You’re going to have to focus on just Skater and me, your team. We have to learn each other’s ways, jumping, climbing, every strength and weakness. Tomorrow the three of us should stay clear of the Drill Zone though. I’ll figure something else out.”
He draws me against his chest, looking toward the Crowsnest. His lips brush my forehead and heat streaks over my skin. “Jai, you can’t worry about Ruth and the others, it will get you killed.”
I can’t respond, and like the coward I am I find a hiding place against his chest, and I let his arms protect me from the harshness of his words, and the world closing in on us.
~*~
“Do you want to go back?”
I don’t look in the direction where I know Ruth is and it makes me a horrible person. I place my hands on his sides, glancing up nervously.
“It’s not cold out here. If you don’t mind, I’d rather not.”
A smile tugs at his mouth, softening his features and drying my mouth up. He pulls me down onto the grass between the solar panels, and with my head on his chest I stare at the moon. He caresses slow circles on my back, and every time he reaches my lower back, tingles rush over my body. His other hand is relaxed on his stomach, close to my arm that’s resting over his chest.
He looks so relaxed, while inside of me emotions are having a full-on tug and release war with my stomach. His hand stills on my back and I wait a few more seconds before I slowly lift my head. His eyes are closed, and with only the moon and stars as light he looks like he did when we met, older, tougher, but less scary now that I know him.
I lean down slowly and press my lips softly to his. As I pull away he tightens his hold on me, opening his eyes.
“I didn’t mean to wake you,” I blurt the apology out, embarrassed at being caught.
“I wasn’t sleeping,” he whispers, bringing his other hand up to my face. He trails his fingers alongside my cheek and down to my jaw. “By all means, don’t stop now.” He smiles, and it makes me want to melt against him.
I lean forward again, but this time I’m nervous that I won’t be as good as he is at kissing. I brush my lips softly over his. His hand slips into my hair, as I part my lips slightly. I do what he did earlier and I nip softly at his bottom lip.
I must be doing something right because his hand tightens in my hair and he rolls me onto my back. His tongue sweeps into my mouth and the night fades away around me. Then his arm moves and I feel his hand on my side. All the tingles rush to the one spot he’s touching me. When he slips his hand in under my shirt my head clears up and I break away from the kiss.
His hand stills hot on my waist as he looks down at me. A different kind of nervousness spreads up my chest. I’m frightened of where this is going but there is a craving deep down that grows every time we’re together.
He moves up towards my ribs, and I can’t tell myself it’s the same as when he was putting the ointment on my left side, because it’s not. The look on his face, the darkness, the kissing, it all changes what the touch means.
“I won’t touch you where you’re not comfortable. Just feel my hand on your skin, let yourself go and take in what it feels like.”
I close my eyes and concentrate on his hand. There’s a sweet ache in my abdomen and I can’t keep myself from pressing my body into his, I have an urgent need to feel him everywhere and it’s stronger than any embarrassment, or apprehension I might have.
His breath skims hot over my ear as he holds me to him, and then he nudges my shirt up, exposing my stomach and waist. As his fingers touch my hip my breath rushes over my lips, coming fast. He pulls back slightly, bringing his mouth to mine, but he doesn’t kiss me.
It’s incredibly intense as his breath heats my lips and his fingers trail over the sensitive skin of my stomach. Every time he reaches my shirt he nudges it up more, and it makes my breaths come faster.
I feel his fingers brush against my skin, and something from deep in me takes over. My arms circle his neck and I pull him down, crushing my mouth to his. I open my mouth and the fluttering is satisfying when I taste him.
But it’s still not enough, I want more. I just don’t know what that more is. His hand press harder into my skin and there’s a sweet clenching in my abdomen. Ahh …yes, that’s the more I want. I slip my hands over his back and under his shirt. His muscles tighten under my touch and he pulls back. That’s not the response I wanted.
“We have to stop, before we get carried away,” he says, his voice gravelly.
I must’ve been born on the wrong side of the dome, because I’m not Virtuous. I’m every bit as Dissolute as the rebels.
I shake my head and slip my hands further under his shirt. He doesn’t stop me and he moves so the shirt can pass over his head. I stare at the hard planes of his chest. I know I’ve just crossed the line to something else between us. He lowers himself, his eyes never leaving my face.
He lifts his hand from my stomach, only to caress my neck. His fingers leave a hot trail over my collarbone, and then he follows the shirt to where it dips – to where my breasts curve. My heart stops and I hold my breath as his fingers skim lightly over the top of my breasts, and then he moves back up to my neck. I was so nervous I missed what his touch felt like. I don’t know if he can read my mind because he starts to trail back down again and this time my heart speeds up.
I don’t know if it’s to hide the embarrassment or because I want to so badly, but I reach up and kiss him. There’s a sense of urgency inside of me I can’t contain and I think he can feel it, because he kisses me with a hungry desperation. I gasp and his tongue sweeps into my mouth, and my whole body quivers under his.
His hand keeps trailing down and this time he doesn’t stop. I can’t breathe properly anymore, and can only manage quick puffs against his mouth. He pushes my shirt over my head and I let it fall behind me. His eyes are dark as they drift over me, and I don’t have words for the look on his face. The closest I can come to describing the look is need, it looks like he needs me and it feels good.
I want him to need me. The thought is an empowering one, that someone like Chance could ever need me.
He leans in and instead of kissing me he brushes his lips over my neck. Chance lifts his head and smiles down at me. “We really have to stop now,” he whispers.
I really don’t like the sound of that.
I press up against him, snuggling into his warm embrace. Chance is right, he’s always right.
~*~
When I wake up I’m stiff. Every inch of me hurts. Then I smile, because I’m lying on Chance’s chest.
My smile fades fast as I remember last night and what we did. I get up as quickly and as quietly as possible, not wanting to wake him. The air is crisp on my skin, but it doesn’t cool down the embarrassment crushing down on my chest. I can’t believe I let myself get carried away like that! I can’t believe I did all of that!
I stand up and look frantically around, as if I’ll find a shred of my dignity lying somewhere between the cornstalks. A miserable sigh shudders through my chest and I look out over the horizon. For a moment I forget all about my shameful behavior and non-existing self-respect. Pinks and purples taint the horizon. It’s so pretty.
I hear Chance stir and freeze like the trees did back in the Virtuous Ecocity when it rained. When he comes to stand behind me, I feel his body press into mine. I don’t even blink or breathe, my eyes never leaving the brightening horizon. I feel his breath on my ear and I want to close my eyes when his arm snakes around my waist, his fingers fanning over my side.
“You fit, Jai.” His voice is hoarse with sleep. There’s a fluttering deep in my stomach when he tightens his hold.
His other hand moves my hair from my neck and his breath leaves a hot trail to where he places a soft kiss on my pulse, the one that’s racing madly.
How am I going to look him in the eye after last night? How am I going to look at myself after last night? I’m impure now! I’m really a Dissolute. The thought is a crushing one, and I swallow hard at the lump pushing up my throat.
~*~
“Come, it’s time to make you hate me again.”
As we approach the Crowsnest it’s quiet. I can’t hear Ruth. It’s an impulsive move, not one I think through, I just do it. I move over to Chance’s left side and take hold of his arm. He doesn’t say anything and I’m glad. I feel awful that I can lean on him when Ruth has no one.
When we enter the tunnel Roland steps out from behind the first archway, his arms crossed over his chest.
“What do we have here?”
My arms fall to my sides and I stop dead in my tracks, all the blood draining from my face. Chance continues walking, until he is standing an arm’s length from Roland.
“Did you need something?” His voice is calm, almost void of emotion.
“I wanted to know if you wanted the newbie. Imagine my surprise when I couldn’t find you.” Roland raises his one eyebrow in mock surprise.
“I’m happy with the team I have.”
“You sure?” Roland uncrosses his arms and starts toward me. My heart beats with every step he takes. I try not to shake but the floor is cold on my feet and I’m scared. I’m scared that he can take me away from Chance. “This one has more guts. I’m going to break the other one within minutes. Are you sure you don’t want to take the other one and rather let me have this one?” He looks right at me as he asks the question.
He’s asking me, not Chance! It’s a test to see if I care or not. His words of the other day stabs at me.
“I said I’m happy with my team!” Chance snaps. My eyes jump to Chance. His eyes are hard on me. Then he shakes his head lightly. He knows what I’m thinking, that I want to trade places with Ruth. Chance won’t hurt Ruth. Roland will kill her.
Chance’s face hardens and then he shouts at me. “The Drill Room! Now!” I stare at him for a moment, stunned at the change he’s undergone in a split-second. “Are you deaf?” he hisses at me. “Move it, Jasper!”
I don’t look at Roland again. I run.
~*~
I stand bare feet in the middle of the dome as Chance presses the buttons. I can hardly hear the room roar to life above the thundering of my heart. I want to curl into a ball when he stalks up to me. His fingers dig into my shoulders and he shakes me hard.
“What the hell was that?” he snaps. He grinds his teeth, takes a breath and steps back. I feel the loss of his touch as he lets go of me. “I’ve come to one of two conclusions, either you have a death wish or you don’t take me very seriously. Both upset me.”
I stand still, my eyes wide and my breaths fast. He has never been this angry before.
“I’ve really, and I mean really put myself out there for you.” He shoves both his hands through his hair. It leaves it even messier.
“I’m-”
“Don’t dare say you’re sorry!” he snaps. “You don’t get to fix this with a few words.” I cringe back. “You wanted to go to Roland?” I can hear the hurt clearly in his question.
He walks toward the bags and kicks at them. I cringe and look over my shoulder following him with my eyes. He goes to a cabinet behind the bags and when he opens it I start shaking my head. Guns! Big guns, ugly ones … ones like the one he had when we met. He takes one out and closes the cabinet door. He leans his forehead against the door and breathes deep shaky breaths. I suck at the air, I can’t get enough in.
“Then I feel it’s my duty to show you just what you will be missing. If you want-” He drags another breath in. I shake my head more. The little balls clink against each other as he takes hold of a bag, too, pulling it closer. My heart is drumming in my throat and I can’t get any words out to make this better, “if you so badly want to put yourself in a position where you will be hurt, on a daily basis, I think it’s only fair that you will get a sense of how I will feel to see you get hurt.”
He takes hold of my hand and places the gun in it. The metal is cold against my skin, hard and bitingly cold. He takes my other and shoves a ball into it. Tears blur my vision, I can’t look at him.
“I’m going to start running the course and I’ll keep running until you either shoot that target three times spot on, or manage to hit me with the ball.” He points to a man cut out of paper. It’s stuck to the wall underneath the scaffoldings.
“I … I … don’t know … how,” I stammer over the words as the first tear rolls down my cheek. The gun is heavy and pulls my arm down, making my shoulder ache.
“Don’t know how to what?” He glares at the gun in my hand then back at me. “You aim and pull the trigger. You can always just throw the balls, Jasper.”
He leaves me, tears streaming down my face. I hear his feet slapping against the concrete and I drop the ball. I wipe my hand on my shirt to get rid of the feel of it. I can never hurt Chance.
“It’s going to be a long day if you don’t get going,” he shouts. A loud bang sounds through the dome as he lands on the first scaffolding.
I raise the gun and feel the weight of it dragging my arm down again. Placing my left hand under my elbow, I try to steady my arm more. Fear that I’ll miss and shoot Chance as he moves above the target makes my hands shake. The gun starts to rattle in my line of sight.
It goes silent until I hear his feet hit the floor. I glance over at Chance. He’s by the hand bars. He’s doing the whole course, not just the one Sam made me do.
He jumps up and reaches the hand bars easily. From the one end to the other, he guides himself across. Through his shirt I see his muscles wound tightly as they span hard across his chest. He lets go at the end and runs over to the tires. They look light as he lifts them up and places them neatly into two rows, but I know better. He starts at one end running while jumping into the holes, it looks hard.
When he runs by me for a second lap I know he’ll keep going until I do something.
I look at the paper man and just squeeze, before Chance can get too close to me. The sound is deafening and the impact of the shot shudders up my arm and shoulder. The gun falls from my hand and I stumble backwards. There’s a sharp ringing in my ears.
Chance runs up the pathway again, not even stopping. There is no sign of the bullet anywhere near the paper man. I wait for Chance to jump to the rope before I pick up the gun and I pull the trigger. I figure if he’s on my side of the field I can’t hit him by accident.
Again, the blast jerks my arm back and I drop the gun. At least, this time I can see a hole in the wall. It’s to the left, still far away from the paper man.
He doesn’t run by me when I pick the gun up. I wipe the tears from my face and hold the gun with a shaky arm. I face the target. Knowing he’s behind me makes it look twice as far and hard. My fingers clamp white and red around the gun as I lift it. I don’t want him to see how much I’m shaking.
Then he puts his face next to mine and wisps of hair tickle my cheek. His arms reach around me and take hold of mine, steadying me. My breaths are fast and too loud.
“It doesn’t help you throw the bullets and hope they hit somewhere. You need to keep the gun level with your eyes.” He nudges his foot against my heels “Separate your feet. Bend your knees, so your legs can take some of the impact and not just your upper body.”
I bend my knees and move down a couple of inches. “Too much, a little up.” I ease up.
His left hand drops to my stomach and I feel every one of his fingers press into my muscles.
“Okay, tighten your abdomen and hold. Focus everything here so when the blast comes you’re prepared. Now, hands level with your eyes.” His right arm moves under mine and he nudges my hands upward. “When you pull the trigger you have to prepare yourself for the n
oise, the force, that way it doesn’t throw you so much,” he repeats again.
I swallow and close my eyes.
“Open them. You need to see where you’re shooting, Jai.” Heat creeps up my neck. It’s an uneasy feeling having him watch everything I do. “When you’re ready,” he whispers.
I’ll never be ready. I squeeze the trigger and another loud bang stings my ears. His hand catches mine and I don’t drop the gun. I exhale as I bump against his chest. He is solid as a wall behind me.
“Let’s go see,” he says.
I actually managed to hit the paper man’s arm, well part of it. It has to count for something.
~*~
Ruth’s sobbing fills the tunnel and it echoes into the dome. Chance takes the gun from me and walks back to the cabinet, along the way he grabs hold of the bag of balls. I don’t move while he puts everything back in its place.
“Jai!” It’s an urgent whisper. He walks fast towards the hand bars on the other side of the field. “Come on, move it!” I run to him, my eyes on the main entrance.
“I said run, Newbie!” Roland roars.
Chance lifts me of the ground as I reach him. “Grab hold.” I take hold of the first set of bars. “Hold on as long as you can.” He sounds as tense as I feel.
“Run, run, run!” Roland hollers as they come into the Drill Zone. Her whimpering fills every part of the room. My heart plummets to the ground and my hands slip. He didn’t even let her get dressed! I feel Chance’s hands on my legs and he pushes me up. I tighten my grasp again and he lets go, stepping away.
“You climb up and across, using only your hands as you’ve seen me do.” I hear Chance but I don’t register, my eyes are glued to Ruth. He snaps under me, “Jasper, focus!”
I glance down at him. My heart is breaking for Ruth, but I can’t let Chance down in front of Roland. The metal is cold as I tighten my fingers around it. They are starting to hurt. I spread my legs to better align myself. I reach for the second bar and hang for a moment. I almost lose my grip. My fingers are red and my arms are shaking.
Insensate (Book 1 in The Dissolute Trilogy) Page 13