“You might not know it, but they’re clearly there. Some part of you obviously wants a woman.”
He shook his head vigorously. No. I wasn’t myself. I had no idea what I was doing. The moment I became aware, I left. I’ve only ever wanted you.
“You can’t know that. I’m your first gay relationship. Before me, you were only with girls. You said so yourself and all of those were adolescent relationships. Until you’ve had more experience, you can’t truly know. Heck, I’ve been around the block and I don’t always know what I want.”
I thought you wanted me.
“I do, but this isn’t normal. The rules don’t apply. I want to be with you, but I can’t spend every minute wondering if you feel the same way.”
I do.
“I don’t know that. You don’t know that. You haven’t experimented enough to know what you want. Maybe if you’d been with a few more people… I’m sorry, Uriah. It’s not that I don’t believe you love me. I do, but with you it’s like saying you love pizza when that’s the only food you’ve ever had. I want to believe that I’m your one and only, but I think yesterday proves I’m not.”
Please! he signed, his eyes welling with tears. Please. I’ll do anything.
“All I need you to do is leave. Don’t make this harder than it already is.” When Uriah didn’t move, I took a step back, bumping into his wings which were still caging me in.
Please, there must be a way to make this right.
“You haven’t dated since you were sixteen, right?” He nodded. “Explore your horizons. Get a little more experience under your belt.”
You want me to sleep with other people? Uriah looked crushed.
“Of course not, but it might be the only way to know for sure.”
Then you’ll take me back?
“I don’t know. I don’t know anything right now. Please, just go.” Before he could protest or try to pull me into those strong arms, I pushed through the pale blue barrier. Leaving my room, I went down the hall and into the bathroom. Tears streaked my face as I clutched the ceramic sink, my hands shaking. God, this is so hard! Every part of me demanded that I go back in there and take it all back, but I couldn’t. I was terrified that if we stayed together, sometime down the line he’d dump me. It was hard enough ending things now. In a month or a year it would destroy me.
When I returned to my room five minutes later, it was empty. The only evidence that Uriah had ever been there was a white feather on my pillow. Seeing it, a sob escaped my throat. Did I really do it? Did I really break up with him? Grabbing the feather, I placed it in my desk drawer with the other two. Now I have one of each. These feathers played out the history of our relationship. The large blue one I got the night we first had sex. He gave the silver one as a memento during our time apart and now the white one symbolized the end. A beginning, a middle and an end.
Snapping the drawer shut, I wiped the tears from my eyes. I hadn’t planned on moving into my new apartment for a couple days, but now I desperately needed to get out of here. I needed a distraction. I refused to pine over Uriah like I had during our month apart. If this was permanent, I had to move on. And quickly. College starts in just under a month and after that, the rest of my life. I have to move on. Gathering as many boxes as I could, I began packing. When the boxes were all labeled and my bags all packed, all that remained were the three feathers. For several minutes I haggled over whether or not to bring them. They represented the past and from now on I only wanted to look forward, but they also represented the best time of my life. I’ll never meet someone like Uriah again. I needed at least something to remember him by. Fuck it. Carefully wrapping up each feather, I placed them in one of the boxes marked fragile.
The first thing the next morning, I rented another moving truck and, with the help of my friends, loaded it up. When all my boxes and bags were in the middle of my new apartment, the others wished me good luck before taking off. Brandon offered to stick around and help me unpack, but I told him it wasn’t necessary. Just one peek in the bedroom caused the never-ending tear fest to recommence and I didn’t want him to see me cry. I hadn’t told any of my friends about my break-up. No doubt most of them would pity me, Tyler would hint that Uriah was out of my league and Brandon, Charles and Daniel would tell me I was better off alone.
For the next few weeks, I job searched. I put in an honest effort, but by August 25th, the first day of class, I had nothing. Honestly, I expected Uriah to show up at my door. Every night after I turned out the light, I expected to hear that tap tap on my bedroom window. And every night he stayed away, I worried a little more. Did I make the right decision? Whenever I began to question myself, I quickly redirected my attention. I focused all my energy on my assignments, but when I wasn’t attending class, doing research or studying, I was trying not to think about Uriah. There were several occasions when I couldn’t ignore the doubt. Should I have given him a second chance? Don’t go down that road, Aaron. This wasn’t about him cheating on me. I don’t care about that. This is about our future, or lack there of. As I tried not to think of him, I ended up going over our relationship with a fine tooth comb, and I always arrived at the same conclusion. Uriah would have broken up with me eventually. He’d barely said it, but all the clues were there. At every turn, he’d found some way to treat me like, or refer to me as the girl in our relationship. I’d just been too enamored to care. In his eyes, I basically was a girl. I mean, he wanted to knock me up for Christ sakes. The evidence was there. In the long run, short of alien intervention, I wouldn’t have been able to give him what he wanted.
Despite all these facts, I still cried at night. I told myself I was just going through the mourning process and maybe that was true, but I knew Uriah would be hard to get over. If he haunted me during our time apart, now he utterly possessed me. He was inside me and all around me. I couldn’t escape him. Not even in my dreams. In fact, they were a thousand times worse. He would visit me almost every night, begging me to take him back. Begging me to forgive him. The dreams would always end with us having crazy animal sex. I would toss and turn in my sleep, apologizing for letting him go before asking him to fuck me one last time. After these dreams, I’d wake up the next morning restless and covered in jizz. It was like loosing him all over again. Come on, Aaron, Uriah is gone. You have to move on.
One day, I was sitting at the kitchen table in my apartment, eating breakfast when my phone buzzed. Assuming it was Tyler, Charles or one of my other friends asking where I’d disappeared to, I barely cast the screen a glance, however, glimpsing the name that popped up, I nearly dropped my bowl. It was my former best friend Kay. It had been over three months since we’d last spoken. I’d come to accept that our friendship was over. After moving into my new apartment, I’d swung by her house to catch up, but she wasn’t there. According to her fathers, she hadn’t been around in a while. First she ignores me for months, then takes off without so much as a goodbye? Anger bubbled up inside me and I hit ignore. My relationship with Uriah was over. I’m surviving. I don’t need her. Not now anyway. Whatever her reasons for shutting me out, the tables had turned. She could stand to see how it feels. When she called back, I shut off my phone. Maybe someday I’d learn where we diverged, but that was another story.
Chapter 31
Uriah
Everything was falling apart. My entire existence. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that Aaron and I were over. He dumped me. Just like that. I can’t say that I blame him, but I wished there was a way to change his mind. Or better yet, a way go back in time and undo what I did. Ever since I met him, I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. Why had I sought out Sabrina? What was it about her that called to me? Was Aaron right? Did I really crave girls over boys? I’d never had sex with a girl before. After meeting Aaron, I didn’t think I had to. He was all I wanted. Maybe there was a part of me that was curious. I didn’t like the idea of finding out. Even though Aaron had dumped me, I still felt like any such activity woul
d be cheating. How can I sleep with someone else when I only want him?
After our break-up, I spent two weeks in my country home. I considered returning to my world, but I wanted to be within calling or texting range. For fourteen long days I lay in bed, my phone clutched to my chest, hoping it would buzz. I only got up to go to the bathroom or grab a bite to eat. I waited as long as I could, but when the food ran out, I had to weigh my options. With my wings out and no American money, I no choice but to return to my world. When I knocked on Theodora’s door, I was greeted with hugs and kisses. Maintaining a stoic visage even though I wanted to break down inside, I acknowledged everyone’s welcome before retiring to my room. Another week past as I wasted away in bed, not seeing a reason to live. Every morning Theodora would knock on my door and every morning I'd wave her away. It wasn't until her husband insisted that I accompany them to the mess hall, that I ventured from the dark. Only Theodora and Joebiah knew the specifics of my despair, but seeing my pain, Lina offered hope and encouragement. Her words helped. After a particularly moving sentiment from Moriah, I decided work was the best distraction. Thoughts of Aaron were eating me alive. After breakfast, I went straight to the Aviation Station. Of course Jeremiah was happy to see me, but it didn’t take long for the residence at the Flyer settlement to notice something was wrong. I tried to cage my emotions when there were other people around, but I couldn’t always keep a straight face.
And as time drew on, it just got harder. Seeing how upset I was, everyone gave me my space. At least the Flyer’s had that much decency. Learning that I was back, many of my passengers ask where I’d been, what had happened and why I looked so sad. Thankfully I couldn’t answer any of them. When I wasn’t working, I would wandered around aimlessly. Jedidiah came by to see me, but our meeting was short lived. Without the ability to retract my wings, we couldn’t talk and apparently my mother still refused to download him with ASL. At night I cried. Slowly but surely I was getting swallowed up in a depression too strong to escape. Overall, my mood swings were becoming increasingly hectic and unpredictable. It took a lot of energy and effort to spare the Flyers as well as the travelers from my episodes.
One evening after my shift, when I’d been back for two weeks, instead of going to the evening bonfire, I started walking along the ravine. I was tired and hungry, but I didn’t feel like lying down. I knew that if I returned to my bed, images of Aaron would haunt me. So instead, I walked. I’d been at it for about half an hour and was so lost in thought, I jumped when someone spoke. I was pretty far up the canyon so I wasn’t sure who would be there. Looking through the trees, I spotted Sabrina. My heart fell. What does she want? She’s the reason Aaron broke up with me. Giving her a scathing look, I continued on my path. Ignoring my blatant hostility, my stalker continued to follow me.
“It’s Uriah, right?” she said, trying to keep up. When I cast her a look, she added. “You told me the day we… you know. I didn’t know Flyers could disappear their wings. Or is it only you?”
I ignored her.
“Sorry,” she continued. “I just… I couldn’t help noticing how down you’ve been since your return. I don’t know what’s wrong, but I was hoping I could help.” When I didn’t react, she said. “I don’t know what you’re going through, but I find talking to someone usually helps.” That got her an eye roll. “I know, I’m sorry. I keep forgetting you can’t talk. Maybe if you disappeared your wings again… How does that work exactly?”
God, I wish she’d just leave me along. I want to be alone! When I continued to ignore her, Sabrina touched my arm. I flinched at the contact. Afraid that I would flip out on her or worse, black out, I spread my wings and flew away. After being with the Flyers two weeks, I’d already snapped at three people and (in a giddy delight) rejected a generous tip. There were also a couple times when I blacked out. Luckily no one was around, but I feared it was just a matter of time. With each passing day, my mood swings got worse. When I started blacking out regularly, I told Theodora of my condition and she started making me a remedy. It was a special tea blend designed to neutralize the enzymes that my diminishing genetic suppressant was leaving behind. With everything in my life going so hideously wrong, I had my reservations that it would work, but just after a couple doses, my mood stabilized and my blackouts ceased. Theodora recommended I drink at least two cups a day to prevent any relapses. I wasn’t sure what percentage of the genetically enhanced organisms still remained so she suggested continuing to drink the tea for at least a couple months. At that point she would ween me off it.
A couple days after my encounter with Sabrina she approached me again. When she asked if I would like to hang out, I was forcibly reminded of Aaron’s suggestion that I date other people. I didn’t want to even consider it, but I understood where he was coming from. Still, I didn’t think sleeping with someone else would help. Not in my case. I know what I want. For seven long days, I stubbornly stood my ground. But Sabrina, as well as a few other girls, continued to visit me and little by little I broke down. Maybe Aaron will take me back if I can prove that he's all I want. I’d been so out of it when Sabrina and I had sex, I don’t remember much. I certainly don’t remember what it felt like. Maybe I need to give it another try. Then I can back up my claims that Aaron is it for me. Assuming of course that sex with Sabrina didn’t blow my mind. If I was completely honest with myself, that fear was the underlying reason for my refusal to go down that road. What if I slept with her again to prove it meant nothing only to get hooked? I wanted to believe my attraction to her was purely physical, but maybe there was something else. Should I explore it? If it means getting Aaron back, yes.
One Saturday morning, I wandered into the village. Ignoring insatiable gawkers, I casually meandered down the street, looking for Sabrina. I didn’t know exactly where to search, but given her history, I assumed she’d find her way to me. It only took about ten minutes. As I pursued a fruit stand, she saunter out of the crowd. Her long black hair was pulled back in a braid and her blouse barely contained her robust chest. When she saw me looking, her face lit out and she did a little twirl.
“You like?”
I nodded. Even without my voice, I knew it would be easy to rekindle whatever it was between us. Despite her beauty, I didn’t look forward to fraternizing with Sabrina. Based on what I knew about her, I didn’t see us being anything more than a hook-up.
“What are you doing here… in town I mean?” she asked, taking a step closer to me. I shrugged and gestured at her. “You couldn’t stay away? I’m not surprised. Once people sample this, they can’t get enough. Maybe this time we can finish.”
Perhaps this would be easier than I thought. Shooting a glance at the crowd, I drew Sabrina to me while turning her around so her back was pressed flush against me front. Wrapping my arms around her, I spread my wings with a whoosh and took flight. She squealed with both surprise and delight. Navigating over the treetops, I took her to a secluded place a couple miles away. Somewhere without prying eyes. Bringing us down into a small clearing, I stepped back and tried to hike up her skirt, but she stopped me.
“Hold on there, Flyer boy. I know I gave it up before, but that was before you bailed. Now it’s not going to be so easy. If you want more, you’re going to have to earn it.”
Shit. I really didn’t want to draw this out. All I wanted was to bed her, realize I hate it and win Aaron back. When I gave her a blank look, she smiled.
“I want you to take me out. Somewhere fancy.”
Nodding, I took her hand and mouthed where, but she shook her head.
“Not right now. Come for me tonight. I want a romantic chariot ride over the canyon, then dinner at that nice restaurant in Province 12, District 39.”
A muscle worked in my jaw. She was really going to make this difficult. I didn’t want to take her on a romantic chariot ride and I certainly didn’t want to spend any money on her. Plus, Province 12, District 39 is home to Metro City, the largest city in the Region. Any restaurant there wo
uld be expensive. Really expensive. Of course I could afford it. During my time with the Flyers, I’d made over 24,000 in coins, but I’d be willing to give it all up for Aaron. So, nodding my agreement, I returned Sabrina to the village.
It didn’t take long for my date with her to circulate. At lunch in the mess hall, Theodora asked me about it after the shopping party returned.
Do you like her? She tried to sound casual, but I could see the curiosity in her eyes.
I don’t know. That’s what I’m hoping to find out.
There are a lot of pretty girls in the village. Why her?
I shrugged.I don’t know.
She paused. I could tell she wanted to say something, but wasn’t sure if she should.Is it really over between you and Aaron? she finally asked.
Yes. I forced a straight face.
Honey, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?
No.
Well, if it’s any consolation, I saw the way he looked at you. You may not be together now, but that boy really cares about you. No way feelings like that just go away. Just hang on. He’ll be back.
Thanks, but I’m not so sure. I cut him pretty deep. I don’t know if we can bounce back from that.
Theodora paused.So, you’re just giving up?
No, never! I will do everything in my power to get Aaron back.
So, this thing with Sabrina…?
Aaron thinks I need more experience.
And she’s your go-to choice? The girl you cheated on him with?
My mask cracked as tears spilled from my eyes. I don’t know what I’m doing, okay? I’m making this up as I go.
Of course, I understand,my would-be mother soothed as she took my hands. I just want to be sure you’re not acting on impulse, or doing something you might regret.
I’ve done a lot of things I regret,I sniffed, averting my eyes. This might be one of them, but I have to do it.
I could tell that Theodora wanted to argue, but she held her tongue. Instead, she sat there with me, silently offering moral support. Of course I didn’t want to sleep with the girl who had destroyed my relationship, but given our history, I assumed she was the easiest target and I just wanted to get this over with.
The Flyer (The Flyer Series Book 1) Page 44