by E. M. Kokie
I emerge into bright sun and a big open grassy-green area, with a fountain in the middle. The library should be on the other side of the street.
Groups of people, not even all of them kids, are scattered in clumps all over the place, sprawled on the grass, slumped on benches, sitting on the steps of the buildings. Some talking and eating lunch, others sunbathing or hanging out.
Past the fountain and down to the corner, where three streets intersect. A little glimpse of water between the cement. A different lake from the one near Celia’s house, I think. Sailboats bob and sway in the breeze. So blue and so far across.
Turning away from the water, I see the glass doors and busy students and a sign that says, COLLEGE LIBRARY. I grab a seat on a big cement planter thing off to the side and watch the door. It’s almost all glass around the entrance, making it easy to see the people inside. No one stops anyone when they walk in, but a lot of them walk over to the main desk. Are they showing ID or something? I can’t tell. I move closer.
Sometimes the people behind the main desk look up or smile or something. Are they waving in students they recognize? I move to the side, against a wall, to get a better look. It doesn’t look like anyone is showing ID or checking in or anything. Fifteen more minutes and I’m sure of it: everyone’s just walking in.
But once I get in, where do I go? Near the front door, to the right of the main desk, there are some tables and chairs where I could sit, and maybe no one would even notice me. I could totally wait for Celia, and then maybe watch her for a while, find a way to go ask a question or something. A few more people go in.
Then I see her. Celia. I think. She walks behind the big main desk in front, talking to a guy. She disappears behind the desk and comes up with a book, does something I can’t see, and then hands it to him. He smiles and walks away. She stands there, talking to the woman behind the counter with her. She laughs. Another woman comes up, and the three talk, laugh some more. I think it’s her, but I’m not sure. It’d be pretty embarrassing to go up to the wrong woman. The other two leave, and she’s standing there behind the desk alone.
It’s now or never.
But I can’t make myself go in. I argue with myself, but I can’t move.
And then the easy answer appears: one of those tours heading this way. With a deep breath for courage, I wait until the end of the long line of people is at the door, and then I hoist my backpack over my shoulder, smooth down my shirt, and walk toward the door. I stay with the tour until we’re inside, giving me cover. Even so, just inside the door, I panic.
Celia is standing there, alone, behind the desk, with nobody else around. I could walk up and just ask a question, or maybe I should just go ahead and introduce myself. Hi, we haven’t met, but I’m Matt Foster, T.J.’s brother . . . Celia? Hi, I’m Matt Foster. T.J.’s brother? Or, no, Theo’s brother. She called him Theo. Celia Carson? Could we talk for a few minutes? I promise I’m not a stalker.
Someone drops a book. My head snaps up. I’m still standing just inside the door, facing the counter. Celia is staring at me, head tilted to the side. I open my mouth to say something, anything, and then realize I’m too far away to really talk to her. But my feet aren’t working, or my legs. I’m stuck.
“Excuse me,” an annoyed voice says behind me. I’m shouldered out of the way.
“Oh, sorry, sorry.” I struggle not to fall over, what with the bumping and the nonfunctioning legs. My heart is pounding. Sweat breaks along my collar and hairline.
By the time I look back at the desk, she’s busy. I walk over and sit down at the table to the right of the door. There are some magazines on a shelf behind me. I grab one at random, look just enough to make sure I’m holding it right-side up, and position it so I can see over the top of the page while I pretend to read.
The guys walk away, and she leans over the counter, writing something. Up close, I’m still not totally sure it’s her. Her hair is way longer than in the picture, and in lots of small braids. Her face is different, too — rounder or softer, less soldier-like. Her skin is less glowy than in the vacation pictures. She seems smaller, too, not as tall, or maybe just not as tough. But I’m pretty sure it’s her.
She smiles at one of her coworkers, and then I’m totally sure. It’s the face in the pictures: familiar, pretty, transformed by the bright, open smile, dimple on her cheek. Just like in the picture of her and Zoe in my pocket. My fingers itch to pull it out and look at it, even though I don’t need to look at it to see it.
I look up over my magazine again, and she’s looking at me. But now her eyes are wider, so big they seem to pop forward out of her face. I feel the magazine drop down in front of me. I can’t look away. I smile, hoping to convey the I-come-in-peace line that keeps running through my head. I push my chair back, ready to go over to her. But she’s gone. I wait, wondering if she’s just ducked behind the counter. I didn’t see her go anywhere, but she disappeared in the time it took me to reach for my backpack. I guess I should sit again, wait some more. Maybe she went on break?
I stare at the magazine in front of me. It’s been almost ten minutes. Some guy came out and took up a post behind the counter, and he keeps looking this way. I think maybe I screwed up this plan, too. But I can’t think of another, so I wait, hoping I’m just being paranoid and she’ll come back out behind the desk soon. Or maybe she’ll just leave for the day. Would she leave by another door?
“Can I help you?”
Whoa. Tall woman. Between me and the door. Guy at the counter, standing at the end closest to us. OK, so not paranoid. This plan sucks.
“Is there something I can help you find?” Her voice is too calm. She knows I don’t belong here.
“Uh, no?”
“Do you need help finding something for a class?”
“N-no?”
She smiles down at me, hands clasped in front of her, like I’m mental. She’s clearly waiting for me to say something, or else stalling while someone calls security.
“I — I promise, I’m not, uh, crazy or anything.”
“Well,” she says too nicely, “I didn’t think you were.”
“Oh.”
“But it looks like you’re looking for something. So, can I help you find it?”
“Um, actually, I was looking for Celia? Celia Carson?”
Her eyes sort of blink, or flinch, on Celia’s name, both times, but otherwise she doesn’t really react. Like she knew exactly who I was looking for.
“Is she expecting you?”
A little, gruff laugh escapes before I can help it. “No, not exactly. But, uh, I need . . . I, uh, I’d really like to just talk to her, for a minute, or a couple of minutes, if that’s OK?”
She stares at me, eyes narrowed. Counter Guy flexes his hands, moves all the way out from behind the counter.
“I promise I’m not psycho or anything. I just want to talk to her, and then I’ll leave. Promise.” I cross my heart.
She lets her hands fall to her sides and suddenly she’s even taller. “Does she know you?” Still calm, but less kind and no smile.
How much do I say? “She doesn’t know me, but — but . . . my name is Matt Foster. Tell her, yeah . . .” I have to swallow hard to force it out. “Tell her I’m T.J.’s, no, Theo . . . Tell her I’m Theo’s brother.”
The woman opens her mouth, like she’s gonna say something, but then slams it closed.
“Wait here, please.”
She turns fast, but slows near the counter, and I can’t hear what she says to Counter Guy but he stands down, moving back toward the center of the desk and only shooting looks my way instead of staring.
I really wanted to see Celia’s face when I said my name, to see her react. And what if she doesn’t know he’s gone? She has to know, right? But what if she doesn’t, and then I have to tell her, right here in front of everyone? This was the worst damn plan.
I can’t move and I can’t stand still. My feet keep moving, like they want to go somewhere but my legs aren’t
cooperating. And my hands, I can feel them, sweaty and sticky, opening and closing reflexively at my side. Do I shake her hand if she comes out? Or hug her? She’s kind of like my sister-in-law, except I didn’t know she existed, and maybe she didn’t know I existed and maybe a hug would freak her out? And I don’t think I’m ready to hug her. But a handshake seems weird. Maybe I don’t do anything, just stand here. Or maybe I should sit. No, stand, standing is better. Especially because my legs won’t move. I’ll just stand here and hold my hands out, at my sides, so she can see. I come in peace. What the hell am I gonna say?
I can taste puke in my throat, a little, and then kind of like a metal taste. So thirsty. What the fuck am I gonna say?
There she is. It’s her. And she’s smiling, sort of, maybe. At least, her mouth is kind of curled up, all tight lips, no teeth, but definitely kind of a smile. But her eyes, her eyes are not smiling. And they’re big, and kind of wet looking. Please, let her know already.
“Matt?” She has the voice of a famous person. Like a singer, or an actress or something, all smooth and kind of deep.
“Hi,” I try to say, but I can’t hear the word, so I don’t know if I actually said it. I clear my throat and try again. “Hi.”
“My God,” she says, shaking her head. “I can’t believe it’s you.”
I thought she’d stop when she got close, but she’s still coming. She just keeps coming at me until her hands slide over and around my shoulders, pulling me into a hug. It’s an awkward hug, mainly because I wasn’t expecting it and have no idea what to do with my hands, until she’s already pulling back. She sort of holds me at arm’s length, studying my face.
Up close she is even prettier, and smaller, than I thought. Her eyes are large and so dark that the difference between iris and pupil is in shades, not colors. The braids are glossy and tight and perfect, like her skin, and I wish I had hugged her when I had the chance.
“You look so much like your brother.” Her smile is sad, but also kind of not, and no tears.
Way better than my worst-case scenarios. I feel myself relaxing, limbs losing some of the terror-induced steel, until I might fall down. She doesn’t hate me, and she’s not scared. And she thinks I look like T.J. Cool.
She laughs a little. “So much like Theo. Especially your smile.”
Her hands are still on my arms, and they tighten a little while she struggles to talk, her eyes suddenly even wetter.
“Ah, Matt, we miss him all the time. And I am so sorry we’re meeting now, after . . .” She swallows hard and lets go of my arms, like she’s just realized she’s the one holding on. “You must miss him something awful.”
It’s like she punched me in the stomach. The sudden, painful need to crumple, holding it in, because if you don’t you’ll split apart. And yet, the pain is good. It’s real. I was starting to think everyone wanted to just forget about him, and that they expected me to forget him, too.
She waves us toward the table.
Negotiating the chairs buys me a few minutes to wipe at my face, swallow the rock in my throat, and remember how to talk. Once seated, she waits for me, hands in front of her on the table.
“Hi,” I say again.
“Hi.” She laughs.
“Sorry. I guess I already said that.”
“What are you doing in Madison?” she asks.
Reasonable question. Obvious question. But I can’t find the words to start. I’m not going to say anything about the letter for her, not yet, and it’s all I can see in my head. Have to be careful not to say it.
“How did you . . . ?”
“I went through T.J.’s stuff,” I blurt, as if this explains everything. “His personal effects?”
Her eyes crinkle at the corners, a little smile, still no teeth.
“I found your letters. And the pictures.” I pull out the bags holding them. I leave the one holding the single letter safely inside my backpack for now.
She stares at them, like she’s hypnotized or something. Maybe she didn’t know we had them, or that T.J. saved them. Or maybe it’s just too much for her, seeing them, like it was for me at first, only worse, because they’re hers — hers and all wrinkled and worn because he loved them.
I pull the small picture from my pocket and hold it out to her.
Her fingers graze the edge of the picture and then stray near the bag of letters, without touching it, and then back to the photo again. She swallows hard, mouth clamped tight, eyes dry. She eventually picks up the picture and runs her finger around its edges, studying it.
“When I saw the pictures, I wanted to meet you.”
Her finger traces the cut edge.
“And her.”
Celia looks up fast. Stares at me hard. Perfectly still.
“I mean, if that’s OK.” Shit. Never occurred to me she might not let me see her. What if she says to go away? Would she just say, “Fuck off?”
She puts the picture down on the table, rubs her hands over her face, leaves one over her mouth. I have no idea what that means. She squints at me. She studies me, then the picture. I sit up straight, smile, try to show her I’m OK.
“Please, don’t be mad,” I whisper. “But I — I . . . read the letters.”
She looks up, her whole face sharp and tight, her eyes huge.
“Sorry. Sorry. I . . .” I’m gonna puke. “I know. But I just . . . wanted to . . .” Can’t say I wanted to know more about T.J. “I wanted to know . . . more.”
She clears her throat again. “So, um . . .” She stares at the picture.
I’m starting to wonder if I’m gonna get it back, and even though I know I should let her have it, if she wants, I really, really want it back.
“You read the letters,” she says.
“Yeah.” My face gets hot.
“And looked at”— she pulls the bag of pictures closer to her —“Theo’s pictures.”
I just nod, staring at the bag of pictures. T.J.’s pictures. Like a half-finished collage.
“And then you . . . came to find . . . me? And . . . Zoe?” She’s trying not to cry. And my hands are shaking, my everything is shaking. “All the way from Pennsylvania?”
“Yeah.”
“How did you . . . ?”
This part is easy. “I saw your address on the envelopes, and then looked through the pictures, and once I saw the one of you and Zoe, and . . . and figured out that, that it was you and, and her . . .” I smile. I can’t help it. I did it. I found them. I was right. “I wanted to meet you, and . . . Zoe. Especially Zoe.”
She doesn’t respond.
“I found you.” I laugh with relief. I did it. I found them.
Her face doesn’t register anything, and then her eyes close for a long moment, longer than a blink, and then pop open with a new look pasted on her face. My stomach turns. Something about the new look feels wrong, like she’s suddenly remembered that she doesn’t want anything to do with me, or maybe this is all too much and she wants me to go away.
“Do you have somewhere to stay?” she asks, still stroking the side of the picture with her finger.
“Oh, yeah, got a room at the hostel.”
“Where?” She sounds like she thinks I’m lying.
“At the youth hostel? Over by the capitol?”
“Are you OK there? I mean, is it OK?”
“Oh, yeah, except for the no-shoes thing, which, yeah, is a little weird, it’s fine. Nice even.”
“OK, well, good,” she says, letting out her breath. She hands me back the picture. “I still have to finish work, and I’m supposed to be over there behind the desk, so . . . want to come to dinner tonight? Say, around six? You could meet Zoe. And . . . the rest of the family.”
Family. “Sure. That’d be great. I want to meet everyone.” T.J.’s family.
She starts to give me her address, but I tap the letters. She smiles, and laughs a little, and rubs her face again. Before I leave, she gives me another awkward hug, holding on tight.
I ru
n back toward the car. If I can get there fast, and get back to the hostel, and keep moving, dinner will come faster. And I won’t have time to screw this up.
But by the fountain I stop short. The lockout hours — I won’t be able to get back into the hostel for hours. And I don’t want to waste the gas driving around. And my knees are shaking.
I was right.
Zoe.
That look — Celia’s face, her nod. And dinner, to meet the family, and Zoe. I was right. Zoe was — is — T.J.’s. Celia and Zoe were his family. Are kind of my family.
My knees buckle. I drop onto the cement steps behind me.
I’m dialing Shauna before I even really think about doing it. Her voice mail. Shauna’s voice, trying to sound all grown up and cool, spoiled by the sudden sounds in the background distracting her. The exasperation clear in the half-laughed next bit telling me to leave a message.
“Hey, Shauna, it’s Matt.” I laugh. Obviously she’ll know it’s me. “Anyway, just thought you’d like to know that I met her. Went to the library, and met Celia, and she’s totally cool, and I’m gonna have dinner with them tonight, with her and . . . Zoe. And the rest of the family. It’s totally cool. I’ll, uh, I’ll call you tonight, when I get back to the hostel, and tell you everything, but it might be late if we stay up talking and stuff, but, yeah. Shaun . . . thanks. For everything. Talk to you later.”
I end the call and stare at the phone. Watch the minutes click by. Hours to kill. And I have no one to tell.
I’m bursting with it, with every detail of seeing Celia, how she talks, what she said, and how she said it. Meeting her races around my head.
Wish I could have at least talked to Shauna, heard her reaction.
Still . . . that look, when I showed Celia the picture, and how she said Zoe’s name. The way she hugged me so tight.
I’m smiling so big people are going to think I’m high. Or stupid.
I was right. About everything. About coming here. About coming here alone. About Celia, and Zoe. I. Was. Fucking. Right.