by Izzy Shows
Somehow, over the course of the past several days, I had come to a different level of understanding with regard to what had happened between us. I knew a large part of that was the revelation that my feelings were real and not the pale imitation I had thought them to be, and it left me rather unhappy with the idea of the denial I had previously engaged in.
I just couldn’t go back to that now that I was awake and aware of things. I didn’t want it anymore.
But at some point this evening, I was going to have to engage in at least some of the festivities; otherwise, my brothers would know something was wrong with me. They had wanted me here because I was rather infamous for my behavior at parties, for driving the energy higher, for chasing the thrill that could come from illicit endeavors.
It was a miracle they hadn’t wondered why I wasn’t up to that nonsense right now. I had to commend the pets they had taken for themselves for being able to distract them so thoroughly, and if I had been a different person, perhaps I would have been able to find some way to thank them indirectly. They had done me a great favor by saving me from having to engage directly with the party for at least a part of the night.
The time would come, though. Hopefully, it would be towards the latter part of the evening, if all went well. I would only have to appear interested in the others for an hour or so, and then I could leave and get back to the important things I should be dealing with.
Like Cass.
I had to admit, I was still a little worried about her. Worried that I might not get to her in time, that maybe the infection had spread faster inside of her than it had in any of the others. It had never infected an angel before—what if it was different for them? What if it hurt her in ways that it hadn’t any others? What if her soul wasn’t strong enough?
Not strong enough? She’s an angel. She has to have the purest, strongest soul of all. Don’t be ridiculous.
That thought soothed me somewhat, let me think that maybe everything would be all right.
“Hello!”
The cheerful voice wrenched me from my thoughts, leaving me dazed for a moment. I blinked, refocusing my vision on the woman in front of me. She was beautiful, with pale blonde hair in a short pixie cut, green eyes, and a petite form that still sported curves. Her skin was alabaster, with no blemishes to be seen save for the tattoo of a dragon wrapping around her bicep. She was wearing a crop top that exposed her pierced belly button, and a very short black mini skirt.
And yet as I looked at her, it was with a clinical eye. She might as well have been a cat for all she did for me. The only thing that sparked interest in me was her hair—so close to the stark white of Blair’s hair that it almost reminded me of her.
But Blair’s hair was long, coming down past her shoulders and frequently thrown up into a no-nonsense ponytail.
Stop mooning over her.
Lilith’s words came back to me at once, chastising me for comparing every single human I ran into with the one woman I was never going to hold again.
I sighed and formed my lips into a polite smile. “Hello.”
“You seem a little off, all the way over here on your own. The party doesn’t interest you?” Her words had a kind note to them; she wasn’t trying to pry so much as she was curious about me.
“No, it does not. I have more important things I should be dealing with. Alas, my brothers think this is a worthwhile use of our time,” I said dryly, not even trying to hide my boredom from her.
She was nothing and no one. It mattered not what she knew of me.
“Your brothers?”
I flashed her a dangerous smile, my eyes flaring a dark red for a moment. “Those who threw this party.”
Her eyes widened, a sliver of fear appearing for just a second. “Oh.”
“You didn’t know whom you were approaching?”
She shook her head, looking down at the floor as her cheeks flamed. “I just thought you could use the company.”
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa.”
“Are you in the habit of approaching men in shadowy corners with such optimism, Alyssa?”
My words were reproachful, and not at all in character for a demon. She should know better, be more concerned with her safety, than to sidle up to anyone she thought looked interesting.
“No, actually,” she said, lifting her chin. “But there was something about you that spoke to me. Your soul.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What do you know of my soul?”
“It’s lonely. Hurting. Your pain is being broadcast loud and clear, and I thought I might be able to help you a little.”
“How could you possibly know that?”
“It’s what I do,” she said, smiling. “I can read people pretty well, and I always know what they’re feeling. Even the ones you aren’t supposed to be able to read.”
“You’re a witch,” I said.
“Yup. Witch, psychic, whatever you want to call me. I read people. And things. I can pick up the emotional residue of objects people have touched. But that’s not quite the point I came over here for.”
I grinned. “And not easily distracted, either. I underestimated you.”
“Everyone always does. I don’t exactly look like someone you’d take seriously.”
“No, you look like every other partygoer around.”
“I know. But sometimes that works out to my advantage, you know? People let down their barriers around me. I make them feel safe, and a lot of the time, that lets me help people. Now, stop distracting me, and tell me what’s on your mind,” she said, grinning as if she had just won a fight.
I knew I should send her away now. She had been entertaining for the few minutes I had spent with her, but there was nothing to be gained by indulging in conversation with her. Particularly not a conversation of such depth.
And yet I found her interesting in a way I hadn’t experienced in a long time—not an attraction; more the interest a teacher would take with a student. She showed promise.
“Not here,” I said. “There are too many listening ears. Come with me.”
She hesitated, her eyes narrowing, before she nodded. “All right.”
She’d read me. I knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt, even though I hadn’t felt a thing while she was doing it. But she’d almost certainly reached for me to find out if I meant her harm.
Intelligent. Another surprise.
Without another word, I walked from the ballroom the party was taking place in to one of the studies in my brother’s manse. It was empty, because there was nothing of interest here. There were several bedrooms in the house where the partygoers could find an intimate place to enjoy one another, and the yard was available for anyone who needed a breath of air or a cigarette.
I took a seat in one of the overstuffed armchairs, and she sat on the couch to my right.
“So, what’s your deal?” She asked.
“My deal.” I smiled, just a small one. “You might not want to use that word with my kind, Alyssa, else you may find your soul missing.”
“Right. Thanks,” she said, stifling a giggle. “That wasn’t very smart of me, but I don’t exactly sit down with demons all the time.”
“Fallen,” I corrected her. “I am Fallen, not a demon.”
Her eyes widened. “A fallen angel? For real?” She let out a low whistle. “That’s impressive.”
“And dangerous. You shouldn’t be alone with us.”
“Maybe not your brothers, but there’s something different about you. You’re like…a wounded animal, but one that’s already fought off a great number of others who’ve come to pick at it, and now you’re too tired to lash out. The kind that regards the next person to approach it with wary eyes, prepared to muster their energy if they need to, but willing to wait it out this time instead of immediately launching an attack.”
I regarded her for a moment, impressed with the summation of me she had given. It was very accurate, I had to admit. I’d done my fair share o
f lashing out at everyone who’d tried to get close to me of late—my brothers and Lilith—but I was tired of that. She had caught me in a rare mood where I was willing to judge an encounter before I made up my mind.
“That’s very astute of you.”
“It’s not a guess. Like I said, I can feel your soul. You’re hurting, and you need help.”
“But not help you can give me, Alyssa. I’m sorry, but you’re bound to be disappointed with this little exchange.”
She shrugged. “I have no expectation of pulling off a miracle and healing your soul. There are cracks in it that will never be healed, that were put in it long before your Fall, I expect. But there are new aches, ones I might be able to help soothe enough for you to deal with them in your own time. Right now, they’re bleeding freely, and you’re not going to be able to get anything done with them.”
“I’m getting a great deal done with them sticking around, actually. They haven’t held me back at all.”
“Really? They haven’t distracted you while you were in the middle of something important? They don’t keep you up at night while you should be getting a rejuvenating rest? They don’t leave you aching so much that you can’t think straight even if it meant saving your life?”
I couldn’t meet her eyes while she was speaking, so accurate were her words.
Blair had served as a great distraction for what felt like ages now. I hadn’t been able to get through a day without seeing her piercing blue eyes judging me, without thinking of how hard it was to be separated from her. Without wishing with every fiber of my being that I could spend just another second with her.
“I have managed to work around it,” I said at last.
“But you could have peace,” she said softly.
“That will never happen. And it shouldn’t. I don’t deserve peace.”
“Everyone deserves peace.”
“Murderers deserve peace?” I arched an eyebrow. “What about rapists—do they deserve peace?”
Her cheeks flushed, and she looked at the floor. “You know that isn’t what I meant.”
“But you have to be careful with your words, Alyssa, else they will land you in trouble. You know nothing about me. I do not deserve peace.”
She lifted her chin. “Maybe you didn’t. But you do now. Tell me what’s bothering you so much.”
I let out a sigh, shifting so I could get more comfortable in the seat. “A woman. What else?”
“She must be one hell of a woman to bother you so much.”
“You have no idea,” I said softly. “She is like no one else in the universe. I would trade anything to have one more minute with her.”
“What happened between you two?”
“She’s safer without me around. My presence brings constant danger to her, more than she is likely to encounter on her own, and she informed me in no uncertain terms that she never wanted to see me again.”
“And do you think you did something to make her say that?” She raised an eyebrow, refusing to look away. “Do you think you pushed her away?”
“It was for her own good.”
“But you didn’t let her make that decision.”
“Because she is a stubborn, willful woman who would follow the people she cares about to the ends of the universe to keep them safe. She doesn’t have a concept of limitations or a care for her own safety.”
“You don’t trust her, then.”
I jerked back. “Of course I trust her.”
“Not enough to let her decide if she can handle the danger on her own.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, shaking my head. “Your world is simpler than mine. What could you possibly know of the danger I would bring to her?”
“Probably nothing.” She shrugged. “But I’m assuming that a woman as amazing as you think her to be has to be up to par with the world you live in. She has to have faced danger at some point or another, otherwise you would think she was too weak to be around.”
I smiled ruefully. “You are deceptively intelligent.”
“I’m going to choose to take that as a compliment.”
“You should. It’s rather rare that I find a human intelligent enough to warrant the comment.”
“All right, then. But let’s get back to this woman. Why don’t you go back to her and explain yourself, and let her make the decision you took away from her?”
“Because I haven’t changed my mind,” I said. “And I won’t. I will always put her first. I will always do everything I can to make sure she’s safe.”
“Can you do that when you aren’t with her?”
“Yes. Yes, I can. I can watch over her without being around her. That is not a concern.”
She sighed. “You’re very stubborn yourself. Do you know that?”
I laughed. “No one talks to me like this, you know. No one is so blunt.”
“People fear you,” she said. “And you like that. It lets you set the tone. You get to make all the rules. You’re always in control. But it sounds like she challenged that. You didn’t make the rules with her, and that scared you, so you did what you could to get that control back.”
“No, that’s… That’s not true.” I frowned, looking away.
“What isn’t? That she challenged you, that you feared it, or that you had to take that control back?”
“None of it.” I stood up. “And I’m done having this conversation. I don’t know how you thought it could help me, but it’s not, and I won’t entertain it any longer. My brothers will be wondering where I am, and I’d rather get back to the party than deal with this little therapy session any longer.”
“All right,” she said, standing up as well. “I won’t push you. But before I go, here’s my card. Call me.”
She handed me a business card, then left before I could say anything. My first thought was to throw it away, but I decided against it. I might not call on her for myself, but a woman capable of reading like that could prove useful in the future.
I suspected I hadn’t seen the last of her.
Thirty
The party of the previous night had done nothing to dampen my mood towards curing Cassiel, and now that it was a fresh day, that was exactly what I intended to do.
As soon as I woke up, I threw my clothes on and left the house in a rush. It took me just a minute of being outside in the open air and sending my senses hunting through the skies to pinpoint where Cassiel would be.
I vanished from the spot and reappeared in what appeared to be some long-abandoned countryside, if it had ever been inhabited in the first place. There were no signs of civilization for miles, and Cass wasn’t here, either.
No matter. She had to be somewhere close by.
I set off walking at a leisurely pace, buoyed by my success with the infected demons and the knowledge that this horror show would all be over soon enough. I was going to find Cass and cure her, and things would go back to the way they were supposed to be.
And you’ll go back to having nothing to do but think about Blair. How do you think that’s a good thing?
I brushed the thought aside. It was true that the infected and Cass had been distraction enough to yank me out of the despair I’d been swallowed whole by, but I felt certain that I would be able to maintain my current level of lucidity. I would find something else to occupy my time. Maybe Lilith would help me with that.
Anything but going back to that state of constant anguish. Even now, just thinking about it, I could feel the tendrils of pain reaching out to capture me and yank me back to the abyss. There was a part of me that wanted to hurt, that believed I deserved nothing but a world of pain and torture, and I knew that if I wasn’t careful, I would indulge it.
That was precisely why I needed to keep Lilith around when all was said and done. That was why I had chosen to have her stay with me after Blair had cured her, though I hadn’t known it at the time.
Subconsciously, I’d known that I would need her, and that se
nding her away would be dangerous for me. She had helped somewhat in the beginning, but she hadn’t been able to pull me out entirely. I hadn’t wanted to be pulled out.
But now that it had happened, now that the issue had been forced, I could think clearly and knew I needed to stay ahead of the pain. I would accept whatever help Lilith would give me, and we would find a way to move forward with our lives.
What good is a life without her?
That voice wouldn’t leave me alone, wouldn’t quit prying and trying to drag me back down. I had lived a life without Blair before, and I could do it again. I would go back to making deals, to playing with the Wizards who needed me, to managing my kingdom.
I would go back to everything I had always done, and it would have to be enough.
Enough to get by, even if it wasn’t a life I would enjoy.
I had accepted that joy wasn’t going to be a part of my life anymore, and that felt like the first step toward moving forward.
But before I could do any of that, before I could get on that road to recovery, I had to find Cass and cure her.
The countryside was vast and empty, and it took me hours of trekking through it to find Cassiel. I was surprised by what I found.
She was standing in the middle of the open field, her arms spread, and she was gazing up at the sky. I heard the sound of her voice, buffeted by the wind, but I couldn’t make out what she was saying.
I hurried forward, concern gripping my heart and shoving all other thoughts aside.
As I got closer, I began to make out the words. She was calling out to Heaven, but her words were gibberish more often than not, and none of it made any sense.
“Cassiel!” I called as soon as I was within range. “What are you doing?”
But she didn’t look at me.
She kept babbling at the sky, and as I got closer, I saw that her eyes had gone fully white and the veins on her face were raised. Her jugular was throbbing in her throat, and her skin was deathly pale, so unlike the natural tan she had always sported.