“You can call me Gordon, please. Ms. Arthur?” He tried to take his hand back and reach toward me but Mel wouldn’t let go. I watched them, getting to my feet but refusing to acknowledge that Coontz clearly wanted something from me. Mel resumed shaking his hand eagerly, like he couldn’t control himself. It gave me the chance to move far enough away that Coontz couldn’t reach out and touch me again without chasing me down and making it weird.
Finally, laying his other hand over Gordon’s, Mel stopped the shaking and waited until the smaller man looked up at him.
“We hope to learn a lot from you, Gordon,” Mel said. Coontz nodded and extracted his hand from Mel’s with an awkward stiffness. Then, as if worried he might lose it again, he took a full step to the side.
“I hope so, too. Can I show you two out?” Circling wide around Mel, Coontz aimed himself squarely at me, but Mel slid himself between us like a dance move, keeping all attention on himself.
“It’s okay, really. We’ll find our way. Should we speak with the receptionist to get the ball rolling?” he asked. Coontz shifted to the left, but Mel shifted as well, keeping himself between us. Irritation popped out of Coontz like sizzling embers, pricking at my skin, but it only made me want to laugh. I liked seeing him not get his way.
“Oh, yes. Rhonda will see to your intake and give you our welcome packet. Really, let me show you out.” Gordon moved again to take a step around Mel’s right, but Mel was quicker, anticipating the move. He mirrored the doctor, blocking his access, and then took a step back toward me. Still between us, he patted Coontz on the shoulder just this side of too hard and then turned to me as the doctor reacted to the blow.
“Come along cupcake, Gordon’s very busy.” Wrapping an arm around my shoulder, he kept his body folded like a shield between Coontz and me as he pulled open the door and shuffled me out. We moved through the hall quickly and Mel glanced back as we rounded the corner, throwing a wave and an excited smile back at the doctor after I was out of eyeshot.
“He was weird, right? No matter, we just need someone to get us in the door,” Mel said as we passed the closed doors and empty rooms. I gave a small nod but, before I could respond in kind, the receptionist from earlier appeared in front of us at the end of the hall. I let out a yelp and stopped dead, causing Mel to smack into me and almost knock me over. Lightning quick, he wrapped an arm around my waist and held me upright. The receptionist smiled, taking a step backward.
“I didn’t mean to startle you. Doctor Coontz said you were on your way out and that I should coordinate with you about tomorrow. Is nine okay?”
“Yeah,” I said, noting that Mel had yet to let me go. “Nine’s great.”
“And don’t forget to fast after midnight! Nothing but water!”
“What now?” I asked. Was this woman seriously asking me to go without breakfast? Without a one A.M. snack?
“Oh yes, we like to do some basic blood tests to make sure you’re healthy.”
“For marriage counseling?” I asked, my skepticism blatant. She just nodded, still pleasant.
“Oh yes. You’d be surprised what deficiencies will contribute to mood problems. We need to make sure you two are healthy as horses!”
“One of us is closer to a horse than the other,” I mumbled, hoping after I’d said it that Mel didn’t take offense.
Or assume I was making some reference to the size of his manhood.
“I’d really rather not,” Mel said as if he hadn’t heard me at all. Rhonda the receptionist turned to look at him, her expression faltering. She projected gentle disappointment but I could tell it was an act, a way to placate many others who’d tried to refuse the strange and, as far as I was concerned, wildly unnecessary blood tests.
“You do want the doctor to be able to help you, right?”
“It’s just—” I started. Mel got there first.
“I’m terrified of needles.”
“Oh,” Rhonda said, her disappointed expression softening into pity. “Well—”
“But he just had a full physical recently,” I offered. “I’m sure we can get his doctor to send the records over.” Mel’s grip on me loosened and he leaned around just enough to catch my eye. I wasn’t sure what his expression said without his emotions to back it up, so I just smiled as if I was sure he was thanking me for saving the day.
“Well, then Mr. Somerset, you can eat breakfast. But just water for you, Ms. Arthur!” Rhonda announced, giving in suspiciously easily. “Now, before you leave we do have some forms we’ll need to have you go over, if you don’t mind.”
I did mind, but I followed her to the reception desk and took the clipboard she handed me anyway. Mel led me back to the couches and we got to work. I was most of the way through mine when Mel elbowed me.
“That’s your address.”
“So?”
“So we’re married,” he said, expecting me to instantly understand. After a moment, he elaborated under his breath. “We don’t have separate addresses.”
“We have different last names, why can’t we have different addresses?”
“I’ll get you a new one,” Mel said in lieu of answering my question.
I groaned under my breath as he got to his feet and went to schmooze Rhonda into giving him another form for me. I couldn’t exactly hear what he said, but I think he called me a dolt. I mean, he said it with affection, but still.
Floppy Dick was getting on my nerves.
Mel filled out my form for me, I signed it, and we were done without further incident. Rhonda offered to toss the mistaken form for us, but Mel pretended he didn’t see her grab for it. As he tucked it into his back pocket, I caught an odd spike of concern jerk out of Rhonda. She was outwardly pleasant, though, handing us a little card with the Tough Love dove on one side and our appointment written in blocky letters on the other.
“We’re so glad to have you. Have a good evening and we’ll see you in the morning!”
“Have a good one,” Mel said, pushing me toward the door as if I needed encouragement to get the hell out of there.
Chapter Five
“Where exactly am I going to get blood tests from?” Mel demanded once we were in the car and on our way. I frowned over at him.
“What do you mean? Don’t you have any?”
“Why would I have blood test results for a human lying around?”
“Because you’re a werewolf?” I hazarded. Mel turned away from the road long enough give me a look that I couldn’t entirely discern but that I knew wasn’t good.
“And werewolves of lore just keep blood tests around, do they? What books do you read and where can I find them all and burn them?”
“For things!” I snapped, flailing my hands. I couldn’t figure out why he was so irritated with me, though maybe my inability to explain my own rationale was part of it.
“What things? I don’t do things that require blood tests. Do you?”
“I—” Stopping, I realized he was right. I hadn’t been to the doctor for anything other than my yearly lady parts appointment in years. On a sigh, I tossed out a guess. “Don’t you need shots or something to leave the country?”
“That’s pets!” Mel growled. “I am not a pet.”
Unable to resist, I gurgled out, “I am not an animal!”
Mel growled, but his expression didn’t match the depth of the anger in the sound. He was quiet for awhile, refusing to look at me, and I wondered if I’d seriously offended him. After a sigh, he snorted out a laugh and looked over at me, his expression mild. I gave a harmless smile but couldn’t resist ribbing him some more.
“So you don’t need rabies shots? You’re not micro-chipped?”
“I’m not micro anything.” Despite the limitations of his seatbelt, he gave a thrust of his hips. “Come on over, I’ll show you.”
“Down boy,” I ordered, still grinning. Mel shook his head, relaxed his pelvis. We both went silent as we drove back toward his brother’s private driveway. Finally, he spoke.
“So how do we get around this blood test thing?”
“I have no idea,” I admitted. “Couldn’t we just pretend we didn’t hear her? And I could eat breakfast? And one of the chocolate bars I have stashed in my bag? Or two of the chocolate bars I have stashed in my bag?”
Mel shook his head. “I don’t think that’ll fly.”
“I honestly thought you’d be able to pull something out of your ear. You know, like paying a baby to get pee for a drug test.”
“I don’t think you actually pay the baby.”
“You pay the baby or it breaks your legs. Babies are bad-ass.”
“You’re thinking of gorillas,” Mel corrected.
“Well, then where can we get gorilla blood tests?”
“I have no idea,” Mel said, going with my bit like it wasn’t absurd. “I don’t generally have this problem.”
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I lifted my hips to slide it out of my jeans. Mel gave an appreciative nod at the arch of my back and probably the way my own hips were thrust his way.
“That’s more like it,” he purred. Shushing him, I sat back down, glanced at the phone, saw it was a text from my brother.
It’s official! I don’t have Ebola!
I let out an uneven sound of excitement, waved the phone about. Mel glanced over at me, cynicism naked on his face.
“What? Did you win the lottery?”
“My brother! He just had blood tests!”
“I don’t think they’ll accept that as a replacement for us refusing our own. Here, Dr. Creepazoid,” Mel intoned, “Have my wife’s brother’s blood tests as a replacement for mine and so that she doesn’t have to feel guilty for eating a stack of pancakes the size of a baby elephant.”
“No,” I hissed, though I liked the idea of that many pancakes, especially smothered in syrup. “We can say they’re yours!”
“I can’t use those. They’ll think we’re from Arkansas.”
“It’s not a DNA test, it’s, like, cholesterol or something. My brother can get us his files and I’m sure we can fudge them, slap your name on or whatever and fax them over. You’ve got Photoshop, right?”
“I most certainly do not. What am I, some sort of nerd?”
“You’re not smart enough to be a nerd.”
“I take great pictures,” Mel asserted over my insult. “No doctoring needed. Just look at me.”
Ignoring the Disney villain smile he threw my way, I rolled my eyes. I knocked out a quick text to my brother and he got back to me surprisingly quickly. I hit the call button and put the phone to my ear, miming to Mel to shut up.
“Thom!” I cried when he answered.
“Hey, Chipmunk, what’s up?”
“Chipmunk?” Mel quipped. I hit him.
“I need copies of your medical records from your appointment. Just the stuff that says you’re plague-free.”
“Why in the world would you need those?”
“It’s for the thing I’m doing. We need medical records but I can’t get them…where I am.”
“Where are you? I thought you were just helping a friend.”
“Okay—I—look. I swear I’ll tell you when I get back but I can’t right now. I just need medical records and can’t really explain why over the phone.”
“Are you conning insurance companies again? I thought you’d gone straight and given up your life of crime. Think of the children!” I shook my head, laughing at the reminder that, while Thom is much sweeter and more mature than me, we are definitely related.
“Can you get them, send them to me, or not?”
Thomas chuckled and I heard a door shut in the background. My mother’s voice cried out, addressing her baby boy. I felt a little stab of nerves catch me in the chest, speeding up my heart. I must’ve made a sound because Thomas snorted.
“I’ll send you what you need, but I’m bringing Mom and Dad with me to Seattle if I visit.”
“What?” I wheezed. Mel glanced over at me, his brows up as he listened to our conversation. “You can’t do that.”
“That’s the deal.” Moving the phone away from his lips, he called out, “I’m in here, Mom! I’m talking to—”
“Okay, okay!” I gave in, knowing that any conversation with my mother was going to end up being much longer than I could handle at that moment. “Fine, bring them. I’ll get really stoned and then dad and I’ll get along just fine.”
“Never mind, Mom!” Thomas called, before getting back to me. "Gimme a few hours, I’ll email them over. You can get email where you are, right? On the lam? Cheese’in it from the heat? Hiding from the long arm of the law? Hoofing it—”
“Goodbye Thom,” I grumbled, hanging up before he started spitting slang at me he’d learned in other countries.
“Chipmunk?” Mel asked. I hit him again as we pulled up in front of the house. I grabbed my bag this time, climbing out of the car and staring at the front door like it was threatening to eat me.
“Is there any way I can get half my payment now?” I asked, thinking of the hectic emotional din inside. The puppies were cute, Julian and Sarah nice enough, but they were still werewolves, still kinda similar to slamming a hearty stein full of club soda and having it bubble up into your nose.
Mel nodded, glanced at me as he made his way toward the door.
“Sure, Sarah’s the one who made them.”
“What?” I demanded, rushing to catch up. “Here? This Sarah? The cupcakes are here?”
“Inside with the puppies, yep. Come on, Chipmunk.”
##
Apparently I was a few days too late to actually eat cupcakes, but Sarah promised me she’d make more before long. I almost cried when I found out there was no spongy, chocolate rescue available but she encouraged me to play with the kids and it was actually pretty fun.
Walter, Clara, Lorelai, and Christian seemed to prefer being puppies to being kids, but Oliver and Jeremy stayed clothed and human for the three hours we hung out. When back in human form for a snack, Christian managed to grow the hair on top of his head just enough that he had eyebrows and a lopsided Mohawk. Lorelai lectured him in her tiny voice, but he mostly stared at the ceiling, making it clear that he was bored as could be.
Once naptime rolled around, their emotions had died down among the blocks, toy trucks, dolls, and stuffed animals and I could barely tell I was surrounded by anything other than human children.
“Come on guys,” Sarah urged. Lorelai growled her mother’s way and I had to fight the laughter threatening to explode out of my chest. Sarah glared her down and Lorelai relented, lowering her head and slinking after her mom with her tail literally between her legs. Walter nipped at her ear as he stumbled along next to her and she yipped, chomping his snout before shoulder-checking him to the ground.
As Jeremy reached his brother, he helped him to his feet and they all padded down the hallway. Curious, I followed the puppy parade, finding a long hallway with three small rooms on each side. The kids ignored these rooms, moving straight to the end of the hall to a giant master bedroom. There was a bed against the back wall, but most of the floor was taken up with fluffy blankets, pillows, and opened sleeping bags. One by one, the kids dropped onto pillows, yawned, and promptly passed out.
Lorelai was the only one who found a pillow, circled it once, and then dropped down, spreading her back legs out behind her and tucking her front legs under her breast.
“Nap time, Lor,” Sarah said. Lorelai let out a sharp, quick bark and Sarah smiled. I felt a burst of affection bubble out of her before she dropped to her knees and crawled over to her daughter, kissing her on the top of her head. Lorelai let out a small, happy yip, before giving in to a yawn and dropping her head onto the floor. Sarah sat up and surveyed her kids.
I had to admit, it was an adorable sight, despite the underlying strangeness of knowing I was staring at a wee pack of werewolves.
Sarah and I spent a few minutes watching twitchy legs and wiggling noses before she got to he
r feet and motioned for me to follow. We reached the kitchen and I slammed to an uncomfortable halt when I found Julian had pulled his shirt off and was unbuttoning his pants.
“Ah! Sorry,” I said, turning around. Sarah took a step back so she was facing me and smiled encouragingly.
“You’re fine.”
“I’m…is he getting naked?”
“We’re going for a run,” I heard Mel say from behind me as if that should allay all my embarrassment. He stepped into my field of view and yanked his shirt over his head, doing a little dance with his hips. Immediately I felt my cheeks go red. Sarah’s gaze darted between us and then she glanced over at her husband with a look I couldn’t decipher. Her emotions said she found the situation funny but the married look was in a language I'd not managed to pick up in my year of being a wife. Mel’s hand went to his pants and the idea of him stripping bare made me panic even more so than usual.
“Are you taking the necklace off?” I demanded, pointing. He froze, hand stalled on his jeans, before he dropped his gaze to the floor.
“I hadn’t even thought about it.”
“You can’t take it off around me.”
“But—”
“I will die. Then I will kill you.”
Sidestepping our beef, Sarah slipped out of view. I heard denim shuffling, a few grunts and the sounds of joints popping and creaking before I turned to find Sarah standing next to a jet-black wolf nearly as tall as she was. He was skinny, with big ears, brown eyes gone slightly golden, and one white paw.
Julian shook himself out, gave his wife’s hip a nudge and then loped across the room toward the wall of windows spanning the back of the living room. Sarah, still holding Julian’s clothes, looked between Mel and me.
“What’s going on?”
“That necklace he’s wearing, it dams up his emotions. If he takes it off around me, I pass out.”
“Oh dear,” Sarah said. Moving to the doorway at the top of the basement stairs, she dropped the clothes onto the floor and then stepped closer. “You can’t take it off, Mel.”
Cold Feet (Empathy in the PPNW Book 3) Page 6