by JA Armstrong
“And, if I can’t—conceive?” Carrie asked.
“Then we look at the other options we have. We could implant your fertilized eggs in Devon’s womb or you could decide that Devon tries to conceive another way. Let’s not go down a new path when we haven’t hit a crossroad yet.”
Carrie nodded.
“Schedule another appointment for those tests.”
“How long do you,” Devon began.
The doctor chuckled. “Get the appointment. We’ll go from there.” She stood and offered her hand to Carrie and then to Devon. “Try not to let this worry you,” she advised. “You have a unique advantage as a couple. You have many options,” she said. “You’ll have that baby. It’s a matter of when and how.”
***
“Dev?” Carrie reached for Devon’s hand across the front seat. “You haven’t said two words since we left the doctor’s office.”
Devon sighed. She was worried; worried that Carrie might suffer a disappointment, and terrified that any pregnancy might put Carrie at risk.
“Devon? Talk to me.”
Devon glanced out her window and then back at Carrie. “I want it so badly it hurts.”
“I know. I do too.” Carrie pulled the car into the parking lot behind D & B’s.
“I want it to work out the way you want it to.”
Carrie turned off the ignition and looked at Devon. “But?”
“I don’t want to see you hurt any more than you already have been.”
“Dev,” Carrie’s tone softened. “There will always be disappointments. All that matters to me is that we have a family together. How many times do I have to say it until you’ll believe me?”
“I do believe you.”
“Would you have been relieved if Dr. Chandler told us that the best option was for you to get pregnant?”
Devon’s eyes closed.
Carrie leaned across the seat and directed Devon to look at her. “Devon, is that what you want?”
“No,” Devon replied honestly. “It would’ve made it easier.”
Carrie understood. “How about we make an agreement?”
“What kind of agreement?”
“Well, let’s agree that if I can’t conceive by this time next year, we move to Plan D.”
“Plan D?”
“Plan Devon.”
Devon laughed easily. “I just want you to be happy.”
“This isn’t about me. This is about us.”
“Yes, but your feelings matter in it.”
“So, do yours. I want to try, Dev. I need to try.”
“I know.”
“I’ll be okay no matter what as long as I try. Now, go do what you need to do for Bruce.”
“Don’t you want to come in?”
“I think CJ might be more helpful than me in there.”
Devon chuckled. CJ loved to “negotiate.”
“Besides,” Carrie said. “I have a few things that could use my attention at the office.”
“I thought you were going to take the whole day off?”
“I won’t be long,” Carrie said. “I’ll meet you at home in an hour or so.”
“Promise?”
“I will if you promise another pizza-free evening.”
“Calzones?”
Carrie laughed. “Get out of my car.”
“I’ll see you in a bit,” Devon said. She started to close the door and stopped. “Carrie?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re going to be the best mom ever.”
Carrie grinned. “So, will you.”
Devon closed the door.
Carrie turned the engine over. I hope so, Dev. I hope so.
***
Carrie had just taken a seat at her desk when Heather stepped into her office. “Unless you are here with wine or coffee, I don’t want to know,” Carrie said.
“Carrie,” Heather’s voice echoed with concern.
“It can’t be that bad,” Carrie said.
“I don’t know what it is,” Heather confessed. “There are two police officers in the lobby asking to speak with you.”
Carrie’s insides began to flip violently. Oh, God. Her first thought was CJ and Tom. Her second begged the question what Dar had gotten into. She nodded her understanding. “Send them in.” Carrie took a deep breath. “Please, let this be something stupid.” Something deep inside her told her life was about to change. Please.
Chapter Two
Devon had just finished wrapping up her meeting with the Clint Vega. She was glad that she had decided to make an effort to meet with Clint Vega’s daughter and her fiancée. She’d found the entire group charming and she had to admit, a small part of her was disappointed to miss their wedding reception. She imagined it would be a lively affair, and it had conjured a desire to discuss weddings with Carrie. She was about to head back toward her office when her heart abruptly stopped. Carrie?
***
Carrie wasn’t sure how she had gotten to D & B’s. She had walked out with the two officers, assuring Heather she would call shortly. She vaguely remembered one of the officers asking if she would be okay to drive. She thought she had nodded. She couldn’t remember. Everything was a blur, everything except the image moving closer. Devon.
***
Devon’s pace quickened when Carrie stopped in her tracks. “Carrie? Babe, what’s wrong? What happened?”
Carrie stared at Devon helplessly. Her eyelids fluttered and closed. She was supposed to cry, supposed to scream—that’s what she had always heard. She felt nothing. It made no sense that emptiness could fill a person, but that’s the only way that Carrie could’ve described what she was feeling. Was it disbelief? What was it? Just emptiness.
“Carrie,” Devon tried to coax a response from the woman she loved.
“It’s Dar.”
Devon’s blood churned in her veins. What the hell did she do now?
“They found her in a hotel room,” Carrie said.
“Who found her?”
Carrie opened her eyes. “I don’t know. She never checked out. They went to clean the room. No one answered. I don’t know.”
“Carrie, where is Dar now?”
Carrie shook her head. “I never thought…”
“Carrie…”
“She’s dead, Dev.”
Devon’s heart plummeted in her chest. “I don’t understand. How did…”
“She had her business cards; her corporate card was in her wallet. There… I don’t know. The police came right after I got to the office looking for her next of kin.”
“Jesus.” Devon pulled Carrie close. “Come on, let’s get you inside.”
“Dev, I need to find Tommy.”
“Aren’t they making notification?”
Carrie shook her head. “He’s not next of kin anymore. Her parents are.”
“What about CJ?”
“She’s a minor. I don’t want him to hear it from Dar’s parents.”
Devon nodded. She had a million questions. The hollowness in Carrie’s voice told her to wait. “Let me go tell Bruce I’m leaving. I’ll drive us wherever you need to go.”
Carrie pulled Devon to her. “Devon…”
“I’m sorry, Babe. I’m so sorry.”
“CJ…”
“It will be okay, Carrie. Everything will be okay. I promise you.” Devon led Carrie back to the car. “I’ll be right back.” She kissed Carrie’s forehead. “I love you. It’ll be okay.” Way to go, Devon. How are you going to make any of this okay?
***
Carrie caught Tom as he was leaving his office to pick up CJ. Now, they were sitting in his office while Devon headed off to retrieve CJ at daycare.
“Are you sure?” Tom asked.
“I’m sure,” Carrie said. She had yet to share with anyone that she’d been shown a picture. It was for an initial identification. That’s how the officers had explained it.
Tom’s face fell into his hands and he began to sob. “It can’t be rea
l.”
Carrie had yet to cry a single tear. She rubbed her friend’s back to console him.
“How?” he asked. “What did she…”
“I don’t know,” Carrie replied. “I think they have to do an autopsy. They couldn’t tell me much. They have to talk to her parents.”
“What was she doing in New York City?”
“I don’t know that either,” Carrie said.
“What am I going to tell CJ?”
Carrie felt sick. Dar, how could you? “Do you want me to be with you?”
Tom looked at Carrie through swollen eyes. “Carrie, I don’t know what I’m going to do. How do I explain to a four-year-old that her mother’s dead?”
“As gently as possible.”
“Do you mind? Being there? She’s going to want you and Dev.”
Carrie nodded. “There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for CJ or you. Devon feels the same way.”
Tom sucked in a shaky breath. “I’m sorry. Here I am carrying on. I haven’t even asked how you are.”
“I’m all right.”
Tom’s skepticism was apparent.
Carrie’s sad smile gave away the truth. Nevertheless, she spoke with sincerity and assuredness. “We will all be all right,” she promised. “We have to be. We have CJ and we have each other,” she said.
Tom fell into Carrie’s embrace and cried. She closed her eyes and held him. Somehow, we will be okay—somehow.
***
Carrie had no idea how she was going to sleep. Telling CJ about her mother’s death had seemed to be more stressful for the adults than for CJ. That only served to break Carrie’s heart more. Dar had been absent so much in the last year that CJ had come to accept that her mother would not be a part of her daily life. Carrie was confident that CJ understood the reality that this time her mother was never coming back. She was sure that one day the loss of Dar would bring CJ painful questions. For now, CJ’s greatest concern seemed to be the sadness she sensed in the adults she loved.
Tom was a mess. He was beyond devastated. Carrie had always known that Tom loved Dar. No matter what happened, no matter how far she tried to push him away, regardless of his frustration and anger at her aloof attitude, Tom loved Dar. She was the love of his life. Carrie could easily understand. When she looked at Devon, she felt the same way. Life without Devon was unimaginable. More than once throughout the evening, she had caught herself looking Devon’s way, counting her blessings that she was not sitting in Tom’s seat. For Carrie’s part, an array of conflicting thoughts and emotions invaded her senses. She loved Dar. She would always love Dar. Loving Dar did not change the fact that anger continued to bubble in her veins. Beneath all the conflicting emotions, confusion plagued Carrie’s thoughts. Why wouldn’t Dar talk to her? What had happened? How had this all gotten so far out of control? Carrie had tried to fall asleep next to Devon. Not even the tenderness of Devon’s embrace could quell the surge of emotion within Carrie. She carefully extracted herself from Devon’s gentle hold and headed downstairs.
Coffee or wine? Wine. Carrie opened a bottle of white wine and poured herself a glass. She wandered to a bookshelf in the living room and pulled out a photo album. With a deep breath, she sat down, took a sip of wine and opened the cover. Dar. She closed her eyes. Why, Dar? Why didn’t you let me in? She opened her eyes and stared at the pictures on the page. She remembered those smiles; the smiles that she and Dar would exchange and the laughter that would make them fall over at the simplest things.
“Auntie?”
Carrie looked over at a sleepy-eyed CJ. She smiled. “Hey, you. What are you doing out of bed?”
CJ stumbled over to Carrie and climbed up beside her. She looked down at the book in Carrie’s lap.
“See how young Mommy and I were?” Carrie said.
CJ looked at Carrie curiously.
Carrie laughed. “Not that young, I guess. Do you want to look with me?”
CJ nodded and nestled against Carrie. Carrie’s arm wrapped around the toddler. “Auntie?”
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“You won’t weave me?”
Carrie’s heart lurched in her chest. “Oh, CJ, I would never leave you if I could help it, sweetheart. I love you to the moon and back; remember?”
CJ nodded.
“Mommy loves you too, even if she can’t be here,” Carrie said. She meant it. Whatever had happened in Dar’s life, Carrie knew that she loved CJ. Sometimes, actions betrayed emotions. That wasn’t something she could understand; she did know it was true. All that mattered was that CJ believed her mother loved her and that she felt safe with the adults in her life.
CJ looked back at the book. “Will you miss Mommy?”
“Very much.” Carrie turned the page and pointed to a picture. Dar was wearing a poorly made mermaid costume and Carrie was dressed as a puffy fish.
CJ giggled. “You silly, Auntie.”
“We were silly,” Carrie agreed. “That was your mommy’s idea. She got me to do some crazy things.”
Carrie flipped through the pages with CJ at her side. She’d tell a short story and found herself laughing with CJ at the silly things she and Dar had done over the years. She was grateful that CJ had found her way downstairs. This time was something they both needed.
CJ yawned and rubbed her eyes.
“Tired?” Carrie guessed.
CJ nodded.
“Let’s get you back to bed.”
CJ grabbed hold of Carrie.
Carrie sighed. She didn’t need to ask the question on her lips. She knew the answer. She placed the photo album on the coffee table and grabbed the blanket that was draped over the back of the sofa. “How about we cuddle right here?”
CJ smiled and jostled herself into Carrie’s embrace.
“I love you, CJ.” Carrie closed her eyes when she felt CJ grip her T-shirt. I love you so much.
***
Devon awoke and felt the empty space beside her. She pulled Carrie’s pillow into her arms and inhaled. Carrie. She was at a loss. How could she support Carrie through this loss? They’d started the day talking about new possibilities and new life, and ended it mourning an unexpected and unbelievable loss. Life changed on a dime. Devon pulled herself from the bed and went in search of Carrie. She stopped the moment her foot landed on the bottom stair. They’re both exhausted.
Devon looked on affectionately. CJ was practically on top of Carrie. Carrie’s arm held her protectively. They looked peaceful. Devon’s heart ached for them both. Watching the sleeping pair, she realized two things: Carrie held her heart unlike any person ever could, and neither Carrie nor she could ever love any child more than they did CJ. She’d known that. CJ was much more to Carrie than her best friend’s daughter. And, for CJ, Carrie was her lifeline, the person she trusted to protect and care for her. Sometimes, Devon thought, people were brought together in strange ways. Of course, CJ loved her mother. Although Devon struggled to understand Dar, she had no doubt that Dar loved CJ. She also believed that the people sleeping a few feet away were meant for each other. Perhaps, there were things people were not meant to explain but simply accept. The days ahead would be filled with more questions and plenty of tears. Devon knew that. They would all get through it. Carrie would comfort Tom and CJ as best she could. Devon would hold Carrie through it all. They each had a role to play in their family. Devon smiled. Family. This was their family. She turned and headed back up the stairs. That’s where they need to be.
***
“You’re up early,” Devon observed.
“I need to go into work this morning.”
Devon nodded. Carrie needed to deliver the news of Dar’s death to the staff. “What can I do?”
Carrie smiled. “I thought you were working?”
“I’m doing whatever you need me to do.”
Carrie closed the distance between them and kissed Devon tenderly. “Tom’s meeting Dar’s mother at the airport. I don’t think he wants to take CJ. I should be back, bu
t…”
“I’ve got it covered.”
“Dev…”
“I’ve got it covered.”
“Thank you—for everything.”
“I haven’t done anything.”
“Yes, you have.” Carrie set her coffee cup in the sink, placed a kiss on Devon’s cheek and moved to grab her bag.
“Carrie?”
“Yeah?”
“I just… I hope you know…”
“I know, Dev. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
“I’ll be here. Call if you need anything.”
“I will.”
Devon shook her head. No, you won’t.
***
“How are you holding up?”
Devon looked at her mother curiously.
“Well?” Jillian asked. “This can’t be easy for you either.”
“I’m fine, Mom.”
Jillian stared at Devon without making any comment.
“This isn’t about me,” Devon said.
“Maybe not but it affects you.”
Devon took a few steps so that she could peer down the hallway. The last thing she wanted was for CJ to overhear the conversation she was having with her mother.
“Devon?” Jillian called to her daughter.
Devon made her way back into the kitchen and took a seat at the breakfast bar. “I’m worried about them.”
Jillian nodded.
“Mom, Carrie’s been agonizing over what to do about Dar at work for weeks. This—this is…”
“I know,” Jillian said. “It’s heartbreaking for all of them.”
“Yeah, it is.”
“Tell me I’m crazy, but I get the sense something else is bothering you.”
The last thing Devon wanted to do was explore her feelings. She’d never been a fan of Dar’s. She had tried to make nice with the woman. Carrie loved Dar. Tom loved Dar. CJ loved Dar. Devon respected that. She hated the toll loving Dar took on the people that she cared for. A regretful sigh passed her lips.