Sweet Things

by JA Armstrong

  Carrie was sitting up in bed with the light on when Devon entered the room again.

  “Sorry. I tried not to wake you,” Devon apologized.

  “Want to tell me who was on the phone?”

  “CJ.”

  “CJ? It’s two-thirty in the morning.”

  Devon placed Carrie’s phone back on the table, and crawled back into bed beside her. “She wanted to come here.”

  Carrie was about to answer when her phone buzzed again. Carrie looked at the number. “CJ?”

  “Not this time,” Tom replied.

  “Tommy?” Carrie asked. She heard him sigh.

  “She won’t stop crying. I told her you would be here in the morning. She just… Carrie, I don’t know what to do. She’s so afraid that you will disappear.”

  Carrie looked at Devon helplessly. She was torn. CJ needed to feel safe with her father and that meant that she needed to be with him. At the same time, CJ needed to feel safe overall.

  “Carrie?” Tom called over the line.

  “I don’t know what to do,” Carrie confessed. She wanted to hop in the car and pick up CJ. Would that be for her or for CJ? She felt Devon’s hand begin to caress her back. “I think she needs to stay there,” Carrie said. “She needs to know that we will all be there for her no matter where she sleeps. She needs you.”

  CJ was lying in a ball on Tom’s bed. His heart sank as he listened to her cry. “I…”

  “Tommy,” Carrie began gently. “Let me talk to her.”

  “CJ,” Tom prodded his daughter. “Auntie Carrie wants to talk to you.”

  CJ accepted the phone.

  Carrie heard a sniffle. Her stomach turned upside down as her heart twisted in her chest. “CJ…”

  “I wanna come home.”

  Carrie took a deep breath. “Sweetheart, you are home.”

  “No. You said.”

  “What did I say?”

  “You pwomised.”

  “What did I promise?” Carrie asked.

  “I can be home wif you and Deb too.”

  “Oh, honey, you can. This is your home too. That’s true. I think Daddy would really like to have you cuddle him tonight. You know, I have Dev here. Daddy is all alone without you there.”

  “Grandma is here.”

  Carrie sighed. “I think Daddy would love it if you kept him company, CJ. He misses you when you aren’t there.”

  CJ looked at her father.

  “CJ,” Carrie began again. “I love you, sweetheart. I promise; Devon and I will be there in the morning. Okay? We’ll all have breakfast together.”

  CJ remained silent.

  What am I supposed to do? “CJ?”

  “Pwomise?” CJ asked.

  “I promise. You take care of Daddy tonight. Can you do that?”

  “’Kay.”

  Carrie sighed. “Good girl. I’ll see you in the morning. Maybe Dev will make those pancakes you love.”

  CJ looked at her father and showed the first hint of a smile. “’Kay.”

  “Goodnight, monkey.”

  “I’m not a monkey!”

  “No? Didn’t you climb into Daddy’s bed?” Carrie heard CJ giggle. “Get some sleep.”

  “Auntie?”

  “Yes, sweetheart?”

  “I miss you.”

  “Oh, CJ, I miss you too.” God, that’s the truth. “I love you.”

  “Love you,” CJ said.

  Carrie placed her phone back on the table and fell into Devon’s arms. The warmth of Devon’s embrace gave Carrie silent permission to let go. As her tears began to spill over, Carrie feared she might be made of glass. Shattered—that is what she felt; she was shattering into a million pieces. Shards poked her everywhere, painfully slicing her heart. Tears turned to sobs, and sobs to a raging river, drowning her in sorrow like she’d never known.

  Devon rocked Carrie as Carrie clung to her. She made no attempt to speak. Carrie’s grip was firm as if she were clinging to the one thing preventing her from falling to her certain death. The warmth of Carrie’s tears rolled down Devon’s neck, and she pulled Carrie closer. She had wondered when the dam might break and send Carrie crashing along with it. Devon understood that there were no magic words—not for this. Carrie needed to grieve.

  Carrie’s thoughts raced, glimpses of moments flooded her mind as the river of her sorrow continued to toss her about violently. She loved Dar. She would always love Dar. Nothing could change that. She’d gladly endure a million lies and a million more questions just to hear Dar’s voice one more time. Amid the memories that rushed by, one face appeared over and over—CJ. CJ. Carrie’s heart whispered the truth she’d always known. She would suffer every broken heart, every disappointment, stand in front of endless shards of flying glass to protect CJ. She’d do it over and over, and over again, and never think twice about it—if only she could.

  Devon felt Carrie’s body relax slightly. “I love you,” she said.

  Carrie pulled herself up. She took Devon’s face in her hands. “I love you too.”

  “We’ll get CJ through this,” Devon promised.

  Carrie smiled despite swollen eyes and an aching heart. “I just want to take it all away for her, all the disappointment, all the fear, and I can’t.”

  Devon nodded. You are such an amazing mom. Devon knew that Carrie didn’t see herself as CJ’s mom. Dar was CJ’s mother. That might have been true on paper. In CJ’s heart, Carrie had long been her mother. Devon had never told Carrie that she’d heard CJ telling Devon’s niece, Dakota that Carrie was her “real mom.” Devon had debated whether to make that known. What she overheard had been a confidence shared between two friends. CJ might be young, she understood far more about her world than the adults in her life often gave her credit for. Devon knew that. She recognized the ability to read people in her nieces and nephews as well. She was constantly amazed by children’s ability to see what adults tried to ignore. Children lacked all the filters that adults were taught to employ. They relied on feeling and perception. Devon had come to believe that adults could learn far more from the children they sought to guide than children ever learned from the adults around them—at least, when it came to people. Devon had also not shared her conversation with Tom earlier that day. She was beginning to wonder if the time had come to dive into what could be treacherous waters with Carrie.

  “I know,” Devon whispered. “I know how much you love CJ. She loves you that much too.”

  Carrie shook her head. “Why does that make me feel so guilty?”

  “Because you love Dar,” Devon replied. “And, you know that Dar loved CJ. CJ loved her too.” She took a deep breath. “But maybe sometimes things are meant to work out differently than we all think.”

  Carrie shook her head again. “I don’t understand.”

  “Dar?” Devon sought clarification.

  Carrie nodded.

  “Maybe you aren’t meant to understand her or what’s happened.”

  “That’s good because I don’t.”

  “Carrie, not everyone is built to be a mother. That doesn’t mean there isn’t love. And, just because someone doesn’t give birth to a child doesn’t mean that person is less of a parent. Biology is part of things, it doesn’t define a relationship. Love does that.”

  Carrie smiled. “When did you get so insightful?”

  Devon leaned in and kissed Carrie’s lips. “I don’t know about insightful. I do know that you love CJ, and CJ loves you more than anyone in the world. Maybe that is the way it was meant to be. Stop trying to explain it. Stop trying to deny it for Dar’s sake. Dar isn’t here, Carrie. She hasn’t been here for a long time. You need CJ as much as she needs you.”

  “But I can’t, Dev. Even if that’s true; I can’t. The day will come when someone new will come into Tom’s life. I’ve always known that. And, when that happens…”

  “CJ will still need you.”

  Carrie’s eyelids fluttered and closed. Her teeth gripped her bottom lip. If only that w
ere true.

  “I know what you’re thinking. Nothing on this earth could change what you mean to CJ,” Devon said. “Just like no one that comes into our lives could change what she means to you.”

  Carrie’s eyes opened.

  Devon arched her brow. “Everyone knows that. Everyone accepts that except you,” she said. “Tom knows that. I know that. Your parents know it. Hell, my parents know it. CJ accepts it. You need to stop fighting who you are to that little girl—more now than ever before. You can tell her whatever you feel is right, and you should keep Dar alive for her, but you need to stop denying what you are to each other.”

  “Devon…”

  “Don’t bother mounting a protest.” Devon took a deep breath. She pulled Carrie up in the bed. Her hand reached over and caressed Carrie’s cheek. When Carrie leaned into the affectionate touch, Devon made her decision. “Tom wanted to talk to me today while you and CJ went out to the store.”

  “About?”

  “About CJ.”

  Carrie grew pensive.

  Devon smiled. “He asked me how I felt about CJ being here with us so much.”

  Carrie listened.

  “I told him that we both love CJ and that she can stay as long and as often as he needs her to.”

  Carrie smiled gratefully.

  “Carrie,” Devon began and paused.

  “What?”

  “CJ told Tom that you’re her mom.”

  Carrie was shell-shocked.

  Devon waited to see if Carrie would respond. When she didn’t, Devon continued. “She told Dakota the same thing a few months ago.”

  “I… Why would she…”

  “Because like Tom said today, you are.”

  “No, I’m not. That’s not what I…”

  “Intended?” Devon nodded. “Tom said CJ’s right.”

  “No,” Carrie muttered. “Dar is…”

  “Dar gave birth to CJ. You’ve been raising her for more than three years.”

  Carrie’s face fell into her hands—more stabbing sensations invaded her gut—this time guilt was the culprit. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Sorry? Sorry for loving CJ? Sorry for taking care of all of Dar’s responsibilities? What are you sorry for?”

  “CJ’s confused…”

  “CJ is not confused. She’s clearer on everything that all of us put together,” Devon said. “Look at me. Carrie, look at me.”

  Carrie complied reluctantly.

  Devon wiped a few tears from Carrie’s cheeks. “Loving CJ is not a betrayal of Dar. You need to let that go. Let it go, babe. Tom needs you too. He needs you to accept who you are in this crazy family. He doesn’t know how to tell you.”

  “Tell me what?”

  “I think that’s for you to hear from him. I can tell you this much; he’s never going to look to change your relationship with CJ. No one is. Carrie,” Devon lifted Carrie’s chin with two fingers. “Even Dar never tried to change that.”

  Carrie fell back into Devon’s arms. “I can’t protect her. I can’t make it better. I don’t know what to do, Dev.”

  “Yes, you do. You’re doing it. You’ve been doing it. Just keep loving her, Carrie. Just be Carrie. Let her love you the way she needs to—the way she does. Let yourself love her the same way.”

  Carrie began to weep again.

  “I know,” Devon cooed. “I know. Let it go. Let it go, babe—all of it.”

  Carrie’s tears poured freely again. She feared they might be endless. Sadness and grief mingled with love. The hollowness produced by Dar’s exit instantly filled and overflowed the moment CJ entered her thoughts. It was confusing. “Why does it have to be so complicated?” Carrie asked.

  Devon nearly laughed. She recalled CJ and Dakota’s conversation.

  “Where’s your mom?” Dakota asked

  CJ shrugged.

  “Is she far away?”

  CJ shrugged again. “She works.”

  “You’re lucky. I wish I got to say with Aunt Dev more.”

  CJ grinned.

  “You live with Aunt Carrie?” Dakota asked.

  “Yep, and Daddy.”

  “You get to live with your aunt? That’s so cool.”

  “I just call her that.”

  Dakota was curious. “Aunt Carrie’s not your aunt?”

  CJ shook her head. “She’s my real mom.”

  Dakota seemed to consider the words. “Cause you live here?”

  “Cause she just is.”

  “How come you don’t call her, Mom?”

  CJ shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “You have two moms?”

  CJ smiled. “Yep.”

  Devon smiled. “It’s not,” she said. She pushed Carrie away so that she could look in her eyes. “Stop listening to what’s up here.” Devon tapped on Carrie’s head. “Listen to what’s in here.” She put her hand on Carrie’s chest. She pulled Carrie close again. “We’ll be okay—all of us. I promise,” Devon said. “I promise.”

  Chapter Four

  Five Days Later

  “I didn’t know this many people could fit in my house,” Carrie said.

  Tom laughed. “No one could claim Dar was shy, that’s for sure.”

  Carrie smiled. “No,” she agreed.

  “Auntie!” CJ ran toward Carrie.

  Carrie laughed. “Yes?”

  “Can me and Dakota go upstairs now?” CJ asked.

  Carrie had been impressed with CJ all day. Devon had suggested that her mother bring Dakota to the house for the funeral reception. CJ needed an outlet, someone to play with and take her away from sorrowful adults. Carrie agreed.

  “Sure, you can,” Carrie said.

  CJ beamed with excitement and scurried off to find Dakota.

  Carrie watched as the two girls climbed the stairs hand in hand.

  “Where is Carrie Jane going?”

  Carrie was sure she would have a migraine by day’s end. Dar’s parents could test the patience of a saint. Lorraine Knowles had shown no interest in helping to make Dar’s funeral arrangements. She had been more than willing to offer suggestions about flowers and what should be served at the reception. Carrie admired Devon’s patience. D&B’s had catered the reception at Carrie’s home. Devon had endured a constant stream of questions and observations from Lorraine Knowles and had done her best to accommodate them all. Carrie had wanted to throttle the woman.

  Neither of Dar’s parents had made much effort to spend time with CJ. CJ had taken their presence in stride. She neither sought their attention nor did she avoid them. The previous evening, Devon’s parents had offered to stay with CJ during evening calling hours at the funeral home. Lorraine had expressed her displeasure at CJ’s absence. Tom had struggled to address his former mother-in-law. That’s when Carrie stepped in.

  “She’s Dar’s only child. She should be there. It’s a matter of respect.”

  Tom cringed. “I think it’s a bit much for CJ.”

  “Yes, well, it’s a bit much for all of us,” Lorraine replied dryly.

  Carrie took a deep breath and stepped in. “Yes, it is,” she said. “CJ is four. I don’t think that she needs to sit in a room with her mother’s body for three hours. Let her remember Dar the way we would all like to.”

  Lorraine stared at Carrie. “I don’t think that…”

  “I don’t think Dar would want CJ’s last memory of her to be that. In fact, I know she wouldn’t want that.” Carrie was confident her assessment was of the situation was accurate.

  Tom smiled at Carrie gratefully. “I agree.”

  Carrie offered Dar’s mother a smile. “I think CJ needs to get away for a little bit.”

  “We don’t always get to do what we want to do,” Lorraine observed.

  “No,” Carrie agreed. “I’m sure that there are many things CJ would rather have spent this morning doing than sitting in a church at her mother’s funeral.”

  “She is Darlene’s only daughter. People want to see her,” Lorraine said.r />
  “And, they have.”

  “Yes, well, Carrie Jane needs to learn that there are times she has to behave like an adult.”

  Carrie forced herself to breathe. You cannot kill her. CJ had been quiet all morning. She’d sat between Tom and Carrie, and held Carrie’s hand through her mother’s service. She had smiled at everyone who greeted her, never releasing her grip on Carrie until Carrie had needed to deliver Dar’s eulogy. CJ had cried in the church. Carrie had guessed that was partly in response to all the weeping adults that surrounded her. Dar might have fallen short on spending time with her daughter, Carrie did believe that Dar would have felt CJ needed to escape the somber atmosphere created by grieving adults. That gave her the confidence to stand her ground with Lorraine Knowles.

  “CJ is not an adult,” Carrie replied. “She’s four. She’s been through more than any four-year-old should have to go through. The most important thing is that CJ comes through all of this and remains a happy, healthy little girl. That’s the only thing that matters now.”

  Lorraine’s lips curled into a devious smile. Had she not known that Carrie was a lesbian, she would have considered the possibility that Carrie and Tom were having an affair. CJ’s attachment to her daughter’s best friend was obvious. She’d always known Carrie as a relatively quiet person. It seemed that CJ brought out a different side of Carrie Maynard. Lorraine’s eyes narrowed. “I should think this is Tom’s decision, not yours. She may be named after you; you are not CJ’s mother.”

  Carrie felt ill. Lorraine’s words felt like a punch in the gut.

  “She is too!”

  Every adult in the room turned to the sound of CJ’s voice. CJ stomped up to her grandmother. Her face was red with anger.

  “Carrie Jane,” Lorraine addressed the toddler curtly.

  CJ moved to Carrie’s side. “Leave Auntie alone!”

  “CJ,” Carrie tried to calm the toddler.

  “Carrie Jane,” Lorraine reprimanded the toddler.

  CJ had moved past the point of appeasement. “Why can’t you be?” CJ yelled and cried at the same time.

  Carrie knelt in front of CJ. Tom flew across the room.

  “CJ,” Carrie tried again to calm the toddler. “Sweetheart, your mommy loved…”